All Comments on 'Paul and Sue'

I liked it. Liked that she got burned by her job. Different than most stories. Thanks.

It's good, but the ending is rushed, and epilog feels like you're trying to avoid writing several more chapters.

Good first story. I think you might have mixed up some names here and there though.

Very good but the end seemed to be a bit rushed. 4 stars

Like the story a lot. But the ending was only so so. AAAAAA+++++

Story has huge heart and displays serious writing chops. Tour de force Literotica debut!

I sometimes lack patience with secondary plots and characters, but here I feel that the Hannah-Walt-Monica subplot adds depth and an illuminating perspective on the main Susan-Paul story.

Please keep ‘em coming!

Sue: "I..."

lol don't care I hate her still. That line where she tells her husband "I just want to see where my feelings with Bart are going". while trying to convince her husband that they're good. Holy crap. I really wish something came from the voice recording he made because it was running when she said that.

Love the story though. 5 stars

Great first story, I'm looking forward to your next offerings.

Congratulations on publishing your first story.

That's a really strong first story. Brought in a lot of characters, each played their part, the relationships felt real and beyond skin deep, and the resolution was satisfying without being overly ludicrous. Hope you stay in the game.

Great writing! A perfect balance between narration and dialogue. Easy read with only a couple missing words and a single mixed up sentence. Would have like a little more dialogue from the characters rather than the narration in the epilogue but that just a readers point of view. Not a lot of conflict to get the blood boiling but a nice story. 5&FAV&Follow

Steak. Vs Stake. 5*****

Nice story.

Very impressive debut! I hope you will be encouraged to continue to write.

This is a really good story - plot, characters, writing, pace, drama, etc. It has everything. Thank you for sharing. And, on your first story here. Outstanding.

You have perfectly captured the style and content of your inspiration, Cagivagurl. Well written prose with good dialogue and minimal reliance on narrative to drive the plot lines forward. There were some areas where the plot lines struggled, particularly around polyamorous and open marriages. As you went on to explain what Hannah was doing to Walt, it's clear she was in an open marriage and not polyamorous. There was an ongoing reference to Monica's immune system issues. I know you back off a bit and specified Walt's lifelong threat, but other than standard recovery and adjustment of only having one kidney, her immune system was fine. (Don't want reader's thinking there's more risk as a donor than there is...) Last gap, I think, is who the hell are Donald and Mary Smith? 4.5*

Great writing!

Good first story for this author.

It was very distracting and sometimes confusing that the author frequently put dialogue from both Paul & Sue in the same paragraph.

The clues about Bart & his wife were about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the head.

Great start. Waiting to see more. Thanks.

Nice start. Susan really didn't get a chance to show that she really could come back to the marriage. She got sacked. Before that, she was determined to work for the jerk for another two months. No tellin' what would have happened then. When our MC' wife, who had abandoned the marriage for work, told him that she wanted to fuck around with the boss, well, that should have ended the farce. D

Well written, but Paul should have just divorced her. No way could she ver be trustworthy again and being tied to a liar is punishment not love.

Nice story arc

"I just want to see where my feelings for Bart are going." There you have it! She was damned in the middle of the first page. Then all the polyamory nonsense left me cold.

Susan would have found herself divorced when she said she wanted to see where her feelings for Bart were going. Paul needs to grow a set.

Congratulations on a great first story I have a feeling it is only a first story on lit.

I had a little trouble following at times but overall enjoyed it very much

Really well written!. But once again it was about how really smart people do really dumb things even after there are red warning sirens blaring. I have yet to read a 'honey, I'm going on a date' story that was credible.

Susan is an unfaithful and very foolish woman. Paul could easily have found a much more suitable and reliable partner if he had divorced her. I find it telling that the author provides no follow up on the quality of their marriage other than the fact they produced two daughters. A less than happy outcome seems likely.

I liked the start, but I thought it became jumbled and boring after that. 3 stars are all I could manage.

Story not bad, but the writing was awfull

Great first story gave it a 5, well deserved

I liked the part where the company caught the fraternizing without aid from the husband and acted quickly although I think it was unrealistically quick. I can't see FBI and DOJ working that quickly no matter how much the wife was able to provide.

I also question what happened to the rest of the team since they failed to report suspected fraternization

Good but I agree that the ending seemed too rushed. Things had gotten far enough that the ultimate reconciliation isn't a given \. Spending a few paragraphs on how that all worked out would have been a worthwhile exercise. 4****

A poor inter-mixing of several stories into one. Finish one section and make it clear what is happening before moving on. It started off almost word for word of a similar recent story. Proof read first so that it makes sense to you and your reader.

Either give up writing or learn how to write a story that is understandable.

I found it very confusing, especially towards the end. Who were Donald and Mary?

Difficult to follow which character was speaking at times since quotation marks for multiple voices were included in single paragraphs. It is far easier to read a story when they are separated into separate paragraphs. Please keep this in mind for your next story. Good first effort.

I agree with some of the opinions above - a good story with a very rushed and abbreviated ending.

This story is a well organized and detailed tale that kept my interest completely. I am not a fan of starting a story then retro fitting necessary background. This work has pulled this off as best it can and flows in a decently smooth manner.

So, just another unbelievable huge RAAC ? And where are the story tags ?

A tale about a slut "smart" wife and a monkey husband ready to take her back just believing to her good promises, after all her sluttish behaviour. So, an unbelievable fairytale not much distant from a classic cheating-cuck tale.

I like that you added perspective from a polyamorous couple that demonstrated how what Susan was talking about was dumb and not a good way or reason to open a marriage.

All the poly people I’ve met would scoff at the idea of using polyamory to fix or strengthen a monogamous relationship, and it was nice seeing that mentioned. It’s a perspective that is not often show in this category, and oftentimes polyamory is portrayed on here in a way that does the practice a great disservice.

Excellent writing and story.

Thanks for sharing...

A good entertaining read, Thanks! You might want to consider your flow a bit better in the next story:)

For fucks sake! Every time a different character speaks its a NEW paragraph, not run on sentences.

Still a bit too wordy, just like the writer you aspire to.

Not bad, not bad, but one or two things...

Not 53 pages, which is to your credit, but even the 5 you had were pretty padded out.

I don't know if it was in homage to CG, but you fell into the same trap; which was a long story with very abrupt ending

And on a mechanics note; there were a few too many times where you didn't make a new paragraph for a new person speaking.

I agree with @hbroder "Story has huge heart and displays serious writing chops. Tour de force Literotica debut!"

Well done.

A thoroughly enjoyable take on "The Date" trope.

I'm certainly looking forward to reading more from you.

One thing to consider: if the transcript clearly showed Bart was the aggressor and if he had a track record of past incidents, as the story says, Bart wouldn’t have been kept. The business would have dumped him, and they would be forced to keep Susan to finish the project to finish it. He was given he chance to make a statement to throw her under the bus while she was dismissed before HR took her statement would have been her basis for a pretty good law suit.

Great first effort. Extremely well-edited as well.. it's virtually impossible for humans to proofread their own work, so this is as good as amateur literature gets from that perspective. Story still could be tightened up - sone redundancy, some unneeded details... not sure the dog added any value for example, but we still heard about his eating and pooping schedule. But all in all, it's always great to see a new author with talent arrive. Keep em coming.

Good story, it would have been better if it was easier to follow names of the hare terms. The intermingling of 1st and last names was hard tofollow

great first story hoping yo find the time and continued passion to keep writing like this

a truly welcomed experience

I am confused as to where Paul attended college. Sue attended SMU, which is in Dallas, and they met at an event in Denton, which is home to University of North Texas.

I really didn’t like the part of Paul agreeing to share a bed with Sue after their evening at Walt’s house. Sue was still more focused on herself and her career than actually caring about Paul. I lost respect for him at that point. A better response from him would have been, “when you are ready to choose our marriage over your job we can discuss sleeping in the same bed.”

Sue waking him up with sex the next morning, after begging him to just sleep in the same bed without sex, was rape. Instead of going along with it Paul should have knocked her off of him and walk out while reminding her that sex was not part of their agreement to him sharing a bed.

Lacking in the important parts, specifically Susan's remorse. Several others told her what they thought, but Susan never actually apologized to her husband

Not a bad effort, but the ending fell flat. Four stars. Keep writing.

JPB

One more thing. The title left me lukewarm. Are you trying to mimic Bob? A number of more appropriate titles came to mind right away. Sticking with Four stars, though.

JPB

Very nice. Like the realistic conversation and actions that the MC took. So many times I ask myself what person would sit back and watch the destruction of their marriage. That is usually followed by some over the top revenge.

Solid first attempt, but I cannot highly recommend enough using an editor or post-reader to clean up the simple mistakes such as wrong names used and confusing speaking parts combined together.

There's a lot of her arguments that he should be coming down hard on, like SHE hasn't gone out, when neither of them have.

\

We don't need to read how they met. They're married, so they obviously did, or we wouldn't be here.

\

Please learn to use new paragraphs when the speaker changes.

\

"She'd asked him to spend more time with her and Susan, and he'd walked away from a decade's worth of work to be by her side." - To bad she didn't learn from her father!

\

He SHOULD tell her parents, maybe they can talk some sense into her.

\

"Babe, it's just saber rattling. He's just a no-ambition geek. He knows he has it good with you." - Why do these pussy hounds always think they know the husband better than the wife does?

\

"I could just as easily say that you aren't acting like you love me by asking." - Yes! Finally the proper response to the, "If you loved me you'd let me do this."

\

"I am not leaving you!" - She might be, once she sees "how this thing with Bart goes."

\

I got a little confused towards the end, and it definitely felt rushed.

Good first effort. Tons of cliches though. Bottom line is how could susan ever be trusted again? Same set of circumstances she does same thing. Again. Better to move on and find a loyal person. The SEC FBI pieces were silly. Beyond silly really. The poly was very telling. It failed but they kept going with it. No way she could live with new rules. Countdown to more cheating there.

I don’t think I’ve ever given a 5 star rating but I have to on this one. As many other have said first story was great keep up the good work.

Very good story. 5 stars. The only negative is there were a lot of characters and at times I had to go back and figure who they were in relation to what was being said.

Love how Paul fought back and didn’t just take his wife’s bullshit. I’m tired of LW stories where the husband just begs and pines for the wife to come to her senses.

Very much liked the first three quarters or so. The end though wasn't, for me at least, up to the level of the rest. Just seemed rather rushed.

Having security clearance and failing to follow corporate policy on fraternization and interpersonal relationships is a no no. It leaves the individual open to blackmail from both foreign governments and domestic interests. The "consequences" as mentioned in the initial statement are more true to life here than 90% of the BTB stories out there.

And I so know a little about this subject. A friend of my husband's has security clearance and used my husband as a reference. He was interviewed a few times by an agent. I know he dug into our lives and background. It also means everything about our family and friends are documented in some file somewhere on an NSA database. It's just a lovely thought.

No, not kidding at all. I was pretty pissed about it because we weren't asked or warned. Tom thought it was funny that his 5'6 wife was laying into his 6'7 240 lbs best friend. Wasn't funny for me at the time but now, I guess the visual was amusing.

A veery good first story for this author. I'll watch for more from you.

Good job!! looking for more from you.

What a rat race environment with the so call working record of self-indulgent ego centered commitment. WHY ? And the women my portrayed in these stories fema-Nazis superiority Crap. It's just a slot/ a grove /a smelly pit/Why our worldly existence seems so involved around its exploitation. It serves one driving purpose to perpetuate the species. "Nothing More" God By design failed us ! That forbidden fruit was the story of our failure.

It was a great device, having polyamorous friends spell things out for her and really make her see how delusional she was, despite the fact that I have zero respect for that kind of lifestyle.

Even though I disagree with it, you really illustrated, through them, the difference between her demand and the kinds of considerations that it took for them to maintain that lifestyle. It was chalk and cheese. It still didn't save them from being impacted by their own choices though.

.

I am still struggling to give Susan a pass. She was selfish to the point of saturation, and if it hadn't been for the miracle of all the external intervention, she would have blithely betrayed her husband on top of the total disrespect that she was giving him, and would have been laying on the floor having a two-year-old's tantrum when hubby burnt her to the ground.

.

Of all the characters, I loved Mary. Donald is a very lucky man and continues to be unworthy of her. And I'm sure he knows it, despite the epilog.

.

All in all though, a well crafted tale.

@Demosthenes384bc...

They're Susan's parents.

We'll burn those bridges when we come to them."

Sorry but in the context of the paragraph it would be, "we will cross those bridges together when we to them. At least in US language. Please keep writing we need some new blood up in here

Great debut! I always wanted to read an honest approach to a non-monogamous relationship. Looking forward to what you write next.

Very good for a 1st timer. Polygamous bullshit, there's no love in those relationships, just lust. Paul should have gotten out when she said she wanted to see where her relationship with another man was going. A married person should not even consider a relationship outside the one they committed to. If some sick fucks had made "till I find someone better" part of the wedding vows maybe then, sure explore all you want. But in that case, why get married at all?

Impressive new contributor. Some confusion with overload of plot information (Walt, Hannah, Monica). Also ending a little ho-hum. Debated between 4 and 5, but granted new author benefit of doubt. Nice start.

Caviagurl is the worst man hating writer on Lit.

Maybe set the scene then write it out. U had jumps in there and then after the fact u get to why that scene was happening. Please keep writing. I don't like reading reruns lol ty

I really don't understand the concept of wnating to sleep with your boss. I would've slapped a sexual harassment lawsuit on Bart so fast, he'd wished he wasn't born. I don't get these stupid braindead wives. Your boss is not supposed to want to bang you. Why was she shocked at Bart throwing her under the bus? He's a snake with no morals, loyalty or respect.. she should've seen that coming... her relationship with her husband will never be the same. She might not have had Bart's dick in her, but she absolutely cheated.. cheating is more than just sex. It's sharing your intimate thoughts with someone other than your mate. It's breaking TRUST and respect.. it's lying to your mate so you spend time with your lover. It's having secret little touches, kisses, lunches and plans to cuckold your mate. It's disrespecting your marriage and your mate. It's disregarding your mates feelings. It's more than the sex. The sex is just the final nail in the relationship coffin. She allowed Bart to tell her how her marriage should go. She had so little respect for her husband, their marriage and their future ---- she set up a date. Bart would've had her bent over a motel room chair had her husband not intervene.. even when she saw their relationship deteriorating after she announced her planned date with Bart.. that STILL wasn't enough to get her to wake the hell up.. Bart fed her a bunch of bullshit about an open marriage.. she never considered his marriage was most likely only open on his side. A man like Bart wouldn't want a woman that's banging other men. He's one of those, he can cheat but when you do it, you're damaged goods. I feel like the MC wife wanted to believe the bullshit Bart was spewing. I need someone to explain how fucking other people spices up a relationship? I never heard of such nonsense until I started reading literotica stories. Had this wife spent as much of this energy in trying to revive her marriage, their bond would've been stronger. Instead of making dates with her boss, she should've been making a sexy date's with her husband. No marriage is perfect but if an already struggling relationship is hanging by a thread, opening it up won't do anything but cut that string. I just don't see how opening up a relationship would make it better?. If you want to fuck other people why even get married? Why not stay single and fuck to your heart's content? There's a reason bart was able to talk her into this nonsense.. I think deep down she wanted to feel another dick up in her🤷🏾‍♀️... He saw that and pounced. Nobody can ruin your relationship unless you allow them.....Unless you show them there's a chance. Bart would've moved on to the next dumb slut had she slapped the taste buds out of his mouth for even fixing his mouth to disrespect her, her marriage and most importantly.... her husband.. I really dislike wives like this. Selfish, self centered delusional sluts in the making. She really believed their relationship would still be the same.. absolutely not.

Great first effort! Keep at it.

Another bullshit "I love you" while trying to fill her cunt with odd cock, story. Anyone looking for sex outside the marriage does not love their spouse.

I really enjoy your writing and can't wait to see what you do with future stories.

Solid work. Bit rushed at the end.

It seems pretty stupid for her to look within her workplace given that she does know about the non-fraternization policy and how important her career was to her. I guess it was all the long hours together away from her husband and the guy was relentless. Still...

Well written with cogent and consistent plot development. The consequences are believable and not someone's fever dream of retribution. I especially liked the counseling moments.

IMO the ending wasn’t a best fit. Paul explained how the prenup included emotional affairs. He had recorded evidence plus the texts from XYZ demonstrating an emotional affair. Instead of begging forgiveness, she made his counseling conditional on sleeping in the same bed. Reconciliation and counseling were fine, but she didn’t exactly acknowledge that she’d hurt Paul and their marriage. Paul deserved stronger commitment, should have demanded a period of separation for her to reflect on whether she really wanted her marriage enough to treat Paul better.

For a "first story", I thought it was pretty good. You're going to get hammered pretty bad by some of the BTB, Spelling and Grammer, and Needs more explanation Nazi's. Read their comments but just take the constructive portions of the criticism. I think you've done a great starting job, it gets better.

Good for a first story, thank you

Great story well written!

Great read, hope to see more from you!

5* for a great first story

I can only echo what others have said. For a first story this was great. Keep on writing, absorb any constructive remarks and ignore the less than favorable commenters if they have nothing constructive to add.

A great start!

Great first story!

5

I didn’t realize this was a first story until I finished it, nice work I really enjoyed it. A little more proof reading would make it even better. Looking forward to your next one.

Truly an incredibly well written story. Kudos on your first story published here. You have you my greatest respect for the job you did. I hope you keep it up

The story was well written. But, there was a tremendous amount of text that muddied the water and didn't really add anything to the story and just ended up making it a tedious read.

When I saw you were padding this to 5 Literotica pages, I thought "screw this", scrolled to the end, and gave it a 1.

A good first effort. I look forward to more submissions from you. 5*****

I only gave it a three cause in places it was confusing...

All told, not a bad story.

What a first story, a full 5 stars.

As you say, not a BTB story, but there were plenty of flames lapping round at the end.

The only moderately two-dimensional character was Brat (said in love for someone I once worked with, who continually called an over egotistical customer called Bart, Brat)

Please continue to write, it was a pleasure reading this.

No idea if there is such a thing as readers rationing high marks. If so, it does you a disservice that No Talent Hack had already completed a story this week, and their contributions are brilliant.

Trying to slog my way through this bloated, choppy, error filled story but losing hope after a page and a half

I see that the current ★ rating is 4.14. Based on writing (there are some editing issues) and the overall story I wouldn't change this. If I give it a 5★ I feel that it is too much while a 4★ will only serve to lower the current rating. As such I will let things ride. If I see it dips, maybe I can give it a boost.

This said, aside from the technical aspects of the story a lot of the rating hinges on character development and storyline. While the main characters were likeable overall, I still wanted to kick Susan's butt for being the schmutz that she was being to Paul. I am glad that she never got rewarded for her bad behavior and choices. Because some of her choices were bad. She still failed her WTF (Wives Test of Fidelity) when she confessed to kissing Bart Hackett and allowed him Work Wife privileges of putting his hands on her, ie, arms around the shoulders and such. That in and of itself is an outward sign of possession and Susan reciprocating by putting her arm around his waist was just 'Bad Susan, Bad wife!' Paul has good reason to not trust Susan. He definitely needs to keep Susan on an EQR so at the she can be dumped fast before dragging him down with her.

Ok she ignored him for months said marriage was a rut.

Had emotional affair then planned to openly cheat.

All why also breaking morals of her company.

Why the neck would anyone stay with her?

Oh and open marriages have around 97% divorce rate, more the double the average.