PDA

Tommy sat down on the hard-blue plastic chair and stared up at the clock above the blackboard. One minute to eight, he was just in time. It had been three long years since he'd been at school, not that he thought fondly of his teenage years. Tonight was different, however, he'd enrolled in an adult learning class, so he was back in the classroom. The second hand swept over the twelve, bringing the woman standing next to the blackboard to life. She was tall, thin, with a shock of curly red hair cascading over her shoulders. She looked around the room at the twelve or so people sitting down.

"Welcome everyone, to Digital Film Making. My name is Robbie, and I am your course instructor. This is a hands on, eight week course where we will cover a little theory and a lot of practical work with your camera, culminating with a five minute video presentation shot by each and every one of you." She paused as the classroom door opened and a young woman entered. Tommy had his back to the door, so didn't see her come in. As there were a couple of spare tables next to him, the woman quickly murmured an apology and sat down. Robbie continued with her course introduction.

"The video is the highlight of the course, I'll take you through scripting, story-boarding and editing. I'd like you to work in pairs, so we should have seven movies to watch in eight weeks-time. Yes, you have a question?" Robbie had turned to look at the woman sitting next to Tommy, who had her hand in the air.

"Umm, is there a topic for the video, or are we free to choose?" the woman asked.

A strange feeling went through Tommy. He knew that voice. He twisted his head to his right, to look at the inquisitive woman, and started as he recognised her. Olivia. Liv. It had been at least three years since he'd seen her. God, she looked great, Tommy thought, wonder if she remembers me? He was about to whisper a hello when the instructor intervened.

Robbie shook her head. "Good question. No, there are no set topics, you are free to choose. Just choose something interesting, tasteful, nothing derogatory or nasty. I'm happy to suggest a topic if you like, okay?"

"Okay, thanks," said the woman.

Tommy leaned towards her and whispered "Olivia, Liv, hi." He tried to make a nonchalant smile as the woman turned to look at him.

"Tommy!" she whispered back at him. "What, what are you doing here?"

"I'm about to ask you the same thing."

Robbie had begun speaking but stopped when she realised the two students were talking.

"Okay, we'll get a chance to introduce ourselves in a couple of minutes, please just listen to a couple more bits of important information."

"Sorry," said Tommy. It was just like being back in school, he thought.

When the introductions were made, Tommy mentioned that he knew Liv from school. "Great," said Robbie, "you two can catch up on old times and partner each other in the video making. That was an easy pair to get out of the way!" Robbie looked pleased, Liv much less so. She sat, arms folded across her chest for the next half hour as Robbie ran through some basic film theory.

*

When the class had a short break, Olivia turned to look at Tommy. He didn't think she'd changed much. Always one of the prettiest girls in the group, with dark brown, shoulder length hair styled around a small, round face with flawless olive skin. Her pale green eyes had always mesmerised him, he'd dreamed many times of kissing her full red lips. But it was not to be, circumstances had made sure of that.

The two had actually met after school. Liv was friends with the sister of one of Tommy's mates and had met at one of the Year 12 end of year parties. They had hung out in the same circle of friends that summer, going to Bondi or Nielsen Park most days, with plenty of parties in between the end of school and the start of university. Liv was due to start a business degree at UTS in early February, Tommy was taking a gap year and had deferred starting an arts degree.

Beyond the memories of brilliant sunshine, cold surf and baking white sand, what Tommy remembered most was the sad, lost soul that Liv had been. Her parents had separated right after the end of her exams and as an only child she took it very badly. Bacardi Breezers and parties seemed to dull the pain, but at quieter times during the day, Tommy could see the hurt etched in her face and felt for her. He knew what she was going through, his parents had split when he was in Year 9, which turned an already crazy year into a hormone fuelled rage fest. Three years on and he could reflect on the emotions that had bent him. One hot afternoon at Redleaf Gardens, Liv sat silently on the pontoon in the middle of the harbour pool. Tommy swam out to talk to her, confided in her about his family. The two sat, talking, until the sun was about to set, and they had to leave. From that moment on Liv relied on Tommy to listen to her fears and help her navigate her emotions. Tommy was glad to help, although deep down he wished he could have met her in a happier time for he was taken with her intelligence, wit, her wry sense of humour, her natural beauty. But because he knew the pain she was trying to hide from everyone else, he stayed stoic throughout the summer, despite the not so subtle digs coming from his mates. Liv, for her part, was consumed with grief and was oblivious to Tommy's hidden desires.

A few weeks later, Tommy flew out to Bali to begin his gap year. He tried to keep in touch with Liv, but even with the simplicity of texting and social media, they soon lost contact, until tonight.

"So, Tommy, it's been a while," said Liv, staring at him, her green eyes spooking him as they had all those years ago.

"Yep," agreed Tommy, staring down at his desk so he wouldn't lose his composure, "three years I reckon. How've you been? Last I heard you'd been doing great at Uni." Tommy nodded several times as if to reinforce his point.

The pretty young woman smiled at him. "Yeah, I've done all right. What about you? Last time you sent me a photo you were somewhere deep in the bowels of Laos or Vietnam. Know where I'd rather have been." Liv paused and stared back at Tommy as Robbie re-entered the room.

"Listen, we can't talk here all night. Do you fancy a drink afterwards? Coach and Horses?"

Tommy smiled back at Liv and nodded. "Sure, sounds good." With that, the two turned back to face Robbie and the class resumed.

*

One hour later and the class finished, Robbie had allocated partners for the filming and left the students with the homework of defining their chosen topic. Tommy stood, stretching his legs. "Come on partner,' he said, "let's go work out our subject over a couple of drinks." He waited for the diminutive brunette to walk out of the room and followed.

*

A Tuesday winters night was a quiet night in the Coach and Horses. The CD machine blared an old track by Powderfinger as the barman disinterestedly poured a schooner for Tommy, eyeing the half empty room. Liv sat at a table and smiled at Tommy as he placed a vodka and tonic in front of her.

"Look at you, all grown up drinking Vodka. You've graduated from breezers then?" Tommy gently ribbed Liv.

"Yes, all business now. Thanks, Tommy. It's...it's good to see you." Liv looked up at Tommy, she was surprised at the change in him, he had grown late and had looked younger than most in their final school year. Now he had grown into his body, still thin but tall, a shade under six foot. His light brown hair was shorter than it used to be, gone was the short ponytail of Year 12. She looked into his striking blue eyes, Tommy gave her a crooked smile that enhanced his youthful look and made her smile inside.

"Good to see you too. Hey, sorry I lost touch. I guess travelling around can make you a little selfish, you're in your own head most of the time."

Liv swept her hand in front of her. "Nah, don't worry, it's okay. It's not like you were my boyfriend or anything." Tommy tensed as she said that. "Anyway, tell me about the travels, what have you been doing for the last three years and when did you get that boring hair cut?"

"Three years is a long time to cover, want the speed dating version?"

"Sure, guess we don't have all night, do we?" Olivia smiled and raised an eyebrow at Tommy. If he knew any better, he'd swear she was flirting with him, but this was the unattainable, never dating Olivia. He lightly shook his head and took a breath.

"Okay, three years in a minute." Tommy paused to gather his thoughts as Olivia waited expectantly.

"So, three years ago, Laos, Vietnam, Phuket. Back to Sydney for Mum's 50th, then off to Europe. Did a DIY Kontiki tour through most of Western Europe, met a German girl called Sabine and lived with her family on their farm for six months. Split with her, ended up in London for a year, bar work mostly which funded more travel. Met a few girls, broke up with a few girls. Kept taking photos and managed to sell a few to some magazines, how am I doing for time? Well, who cares, nearly done. Back to Sydney last October, landed a job, saw this course, went to the first session and bumped into you. And as you're bound to ask, no, no current girlfriend. There, you're officially up to date with Tommy Christensen."

With that, Tommy took a breath and drank a few mouthfuls of beer.

"Okay, the travel sounded great. Are you back for good? Must be, with that sad haircut."

Tommy made a face at Liv. "Work rules. Must be smart and presentable in customer facing roles, don't you know? It's not too bad, at least I don't have to cover any tattoos or piercings. Still, I like my work, it's the reason I'm doing this course."

"Why is that?"

"I help manage the social media content and we pay loads of money for external video footage to upload. I was talking to our head of marketing the other day and mentioned I used to do PDM at school and I'd love to get back to shooting videos. She was keen to see if I had any examples for her to look at, I dug out a couple of pieces and she liked them. Now I do this course and the company will let me shoot a few videos - if they're any good I'll get a new role and extra cash."

"Sounds great, Tom, lucky we did PDM. Hey, want my speed dating last three years? Won't take as long as you." Tommy nodded, Olivia grasped her drink and began.

"Three years of study, successfully passed my bachelor degree last December and graduated in April. Enrolled in my Master's which is now driving me mad with the detail I need to go into. Still living with Alice who's now working in PR and loving it, looking for another housemate at the moment and no you can't. Worried about the end of the year and looking for a job, but that's months away. There, told you there wasn't much to say."

"All right," said Tommy. "So, how come you're doing this video course?" He leant forward and stared at Liv. She held his gaze for a few seconds, then looked back down at the table.

"Just bored with studying business, I guess. Picked up one of those continuing education brochures in a newspaper the other day, flicked through and saw some film courses. Went online and searched, came up with this one. Just want something else to look forward to rather than just study."

Liv clasped her hands together and gave a short nod at Tommy, as though there was a finality to her decision.

Tommy narrowed his eyes and thought for a few seconds. "So...all you do is study, right?"

Liv nodded.

"So...no social life, no beach, no crazy nights out?"

"No, not really. Just want to get my masters out of the way and start the next chapter."

"Sure, but when did you suddenly get old and boring? Let me guess, there's no boyfriend, right?"

Tommy stared back at Liv, that small crooked smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

Liv shook her head. "No, you know there isn't. Made my mind up when Mum and Dad split up."

The young man recalled some of their conversations years ago, the white hot fury in Liv's voice as she told him repeatedly that she would never, ever let herself become as emotionally distraught as she had seen her Mum when her parents separated.

"Are you okay to go there again? Talk about this?" Tommy asked quietly.

Liv shrugged her shoulders. "Sure, what's there to say? It's back to the same argument we used to have, you think Love is Enough and I know Love Isn't Enough. In capitals. I haven't changed my mind, have you?" Liv looked inquisitively at the young man across the table.

"Well, given I spent the best part of a year chasing a beautiful German half way across Europe, living with her for the next six months and then going through a devastating break up which left me trying to find myself and failing miserably, well, no, I guess I haven't." He cocked his head to one side and stared long and hard at the pretty brunette.

"I still maintain that you can't know true bliss unless you've felt the despair of love gone wrong. The rough and the smooth, the yin and the yang, two sides of the same coin, no, that doesn't work."

"Tommy, shush. You're right, you haven't changed. But you still can't prove to me why it's worth exposing yourself to emotional harm, which is where all relationships ultimately end up, just for a few memories about some walks you did on a lovely beach or the way her hair shone in the twilight at a party years ago. It doesn't matter when she walks out on you, does it?"

"But what's life about if not for living, Liv? I mean, what sort of living are you doing if you spend your whole time insulating yourself from the possibility of being hurt?"

"Not possibility, Tommy, real hurt. Just ask Mum, even Dad admitted it to me as well. It hurts, Tommy, not just ripping a band aid off a hairy arm type hurt, real deep in your gut I-will-never-recover-from-this-pain-hurt-ever. Tell me, with Sabine, did you feel that level of hurt?"

Tommy stared down at his schooner glass. When he looked up, Liv could see tears welling in his eyes.

"Oh, Tommy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you so hard," Liv apologised.

The young man shook his head. "It's okay, just brought up some feelings I thought I'd got over," he replied.

"But, you know what, I'm alive with these feelings, I own them, they are part of me and I'll take the pain any day with the full knowledge that it may very well happen again, but it relates to a time when I was madly, deliriously in love - and she was with me for a while - and I want that blissful feeling back, even if it means knowingly inviting despair back into my room. Call me a hopeless romantic if you want -"

"Hopeless romantic"

"- yep, guilty. But I want to feel alive, be connected to people, wonder at the possibility of feeling great love. Don't you?"

"No, because it doesn't exist. We're animals, after all, we get attracted to each other, have sex, get married, stop having sex and one day just decide to split up. For what?" It was Liv's turn to get a little teary, Tommy reached out and placed his hand softly on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Liv, it's okay. I know that was a bad time for you and your parents, but it's over now. You can't use that as touchstone for your own relationships."

"Why," retorted Liv, angrily, "I'm their daughter, their only daughter, I'm from them so a good chance I'll make bad mistakes like they did."

Tommy shook his head again. "Not true, Liv, it's...it's okay to make mistakes, you know. Let it go, please, breathe, live a little."

Liv fell silent, staring at her glass. "Love is enough, Liv, it really is. It sustains us, allows us to see the best in each other, the best in ourselves. We don't need much more than that."

"Except food, warmth, shelter, a well-paying job, private health insurance and Netflix," Liv responded sarcastically. "You know, Tommy, love isn't enough, because it doesn't pay the bills, it doesn't fix your flat tyre, it doesn't keep you warm in the middle of winter, it doesn't remember your birthday. Love is, as they say, blind."

Tommy thought he'd try one last time to get Liv to see his point of view.

"Okay, if love isn't enough, why are there whole reams of artwork devoted to it, why do we spend so much time in pursuit of love if it's unattainable? Are we all mad, are you just the only one marching in step?"

"No, guess there are just loads of people out there who believe in fantasies. I think inside us all there's a piece of us that's broken, and we try to find the one person who can fix it. I'm just happy to leave my piece in need of repair."

"Poor, sad little Liv, never been kissed. Anyone ever going to ring your doorbell?"

Liv shook her head defiantly. She was feeling somewhat defensive in the light of Tommy's questions and probably wouldn't have continued the conversation with anyone else. But Liv remembered how supportive he had been after high school, how he hadn't been judgemental and let her express her views, no matter how wild or emotional. And she accepted that she had needed someone to confide in, after all she couldn't turn to her parents, who were going through their own form of grieving for the relationship they once had.

"No. Never been kissed and proud of it. I don't need love, it just gets in the way."

Tommy half started to respond but thought the better of it. He nursed the remains of his beer and was silent for a couple of minutes.

"Liv, you're shutting the world out of your life and I think that's sad. You're the oldest, most cynical twenty-something I've ever met. It doesn't need to be this way, you know?"

Tommy's voice was soft, his eyes never leaving Liv's pretty face. She glared back at him, unrepentant.

"I know you're trying to help, but I'm okay with this. I have friends, I socialise, I get on with my workmates. All I am doing is setting a boundary, that's all."

Tommy slowly nodded, he knew better than to try to change Liv's attitude through words alone.

"Okay, let's call it a truce. We'd better call it a night, I've an early start tomorrow." He stood up and prepared to leave the bar. Liv put her hand up to stop him.

"What about the topic for our video? We haven't talked about anything."

"Well, we could just text each other some ideas over the next few days. I've still got the same mobile number, what about you?"

Liv nodded. "Same. But keep the texts about the video, no going back over tonight's discussion, okay?"

Tommy smiled at her. "Sure, whatever you say. See you next week."

"Okay, see you then."

With that the two friends walked out of the bar, into the night air.

*

The next week flew by for both Liv and Tommy. All of a sudden, they were back in the school room for their second film lesson. The energetic, bubbly Robbie was happy to see the class return and dove straight into the next lesson. After an eye glazing hour of theory, the class finally got their hands on their cameras and spent the rest of the session playing with different camera settings, frame rates and lens choices. It was fun, Liv and Tommy both enjoyed it and were disappointed when Robbie called an end to the class for another week.

As the class was filing out of the room, Tommy turned to Liv. He looked at her and hesitated, hoping she would agree to another drink at the Coach and Horses. To his surprise, she beat him to it.

"Fancy another beer at the pub? We need to sort out the film topic."

Tommy couldn't keep the smile off his face. "Yeah, that's a great idea. Film topic, yeah."

Liv narrowed her eyes at the young man. "Yes, the film topic. That's all we're discussing, right?"

A nervous charge ran through Tommy, it was as though Liv had seen right through him. He'd really enjoyed catching up with Liv the week before, it was as though they hadn't spent the last three years apart, even if the conversation was dramatic at times. Now, he'd like to talk some more with her, sit with her and enjoy her company. Just like last week, like three years ago, a time when he couldn't tell Liv how he truly felt, such was the raw pain she was feeling. The young man had feelings for Liv that he had buried for the last three years. While he tried to appear nonchalant, he knew Liv's intelligence and innate distrust of men could lead her to realise the truth. Not yet, he said to himself, not yet.