Perfect Tens

Without thought, without words, I turned my head to look at my brother. He had turned back to the television, I could see the light from the screen twinkling in his eye. I reach my hand across his body and felt my fingers against his cheek. He jumped slightly, but I put gentle pressure against his chin, and he turned to look at me. I saw his strange features then, and a wave of emotions washed over me. Guilt again, and sympathy, and love. If I had any inkling of backing out before, it died now.

I closed my eyes and tilted my head to the side. My brother's neck went rigid, his body seemed to freeze, but I leaned in towards him. I gasped slightly, in relief, as I felt my own full lips press against my brother's crooked mouth. He let out a surprised noise, but I moved my mouth over his, sealing my lips over his. I let my tongue roll gently out between my lips, let them play across his. I pushed my tongue into his mouth now, feeling his teeth against them. I pressed my body against my brother, felt my breasts against his arm. But he remained rigid on the couch. Not moving, barely breathing. Finally, after decidedly one-sided kiss that lasted nearly as long as the ball drop, I broke my lips away.

I am not really sure what I would have done next if Ben hadn't spoken. I mean I knew that he hadn't really reacted to my kiss. I guess I figured he was just a little surprised. But I probably would have kept trying to do...something. Maybe Ben sensed that. Maybe that is why he spoke.

"Rachel? What are you doing?" he asked coldly. My eyes opened and I sat up on the couch, looking at my brother. He was looking at me awkwardly, out of the corner of his eye. He looked wary, like he didn't know what to make of me. I realized what I'd just done, and I felt my cheeks grow red and hot.

"Kissing you," I said honestly, "For New Years."

"That was not a sister's New Year's kiss," Ben said quietly. I smiled at him and shrugged. I thought maybe he just needed to be guided in the right direction.

"I know," I said, "I thought that might be nice."

"Nice? You thought putting your tongue in your brother's mouth would be nice?" He asked, laughing but not at all happily. I felt my throat click. He was clearly angry. I couldn't figure out why.

"Well uh...yeah, neither of us has ever been kissed on New Year's, I thought..."

"Come on Rachel, why do you have to be so weird?" Ben said exasperatedly.

"Weird?" I asked, it made it sound like I was doing stuff like this all the time.

"Yeah, weird Rach. Kissing your brother is weird," he replied.

"I was just trying to...make you feel better?"

"Feel better about what?" I said, pulling away from Ben and crossing my arms in front of my breasts. Clearly, I had crossed a line. Ben was not happy and I was embarrassed. And a bit confused. Both by how I'd gotten into this mess and, frankly, by Ben's reaction. I mean I finally realized what it was I had been contemplating, and it was wrong, and weird. I got that now, and really didn't understand why I didn't see it before. But I still didn't think Ben would be angry.

"You know Amber, and stuff," I said.

"What kind of 'stuff'" Ben asked. Instinctively, I knew that this was a dangerous topic, and I tried to steer away from it.

"Just Amber," I said.

"No, you would have just said Amber. And even if it was just Amber, a French kiss from my sister wasn't going to make anything better!" Ben said, loudly. I was afraid my parents would wake up and I put my finger to my lips. He calmed, slightly.

"It's nothing," I said, but I knew it wasn't convincing.

"Why are you trying to kiss me? What, is it really that bad now?"

"Is what that bad?"

"Come on Rachel, do you think I am stupid too?"

"Stupid?"

"Rachel, you pity me. I know and you know, so can we just stop pretending like we don't?" Ben shot back. Now he crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back in the couch heavily. My mouth opened and no words came out. He knew? I thought... "You do an incredibly terrible job at hiding it." He said, like he was reading my mind.

"No, it isn't..." I started.

"Why Rach? What is so pathetic about me that you feel the need to pity me? Am I really such a loser that you don't feel anything about me other than...embarrassed?" Ben's eyes dropped and he turned his head away from me.

"What? No..." I said, and I ran my hand up through my hair. Oh god, what was happening? My heart rate jumped and I felt my palms get sweaty. This had backfired horribly. I was making him feel worse.

"You're always...condescending to me. Like I am a three-legged dog and you have to keep the neighborhood kids from chasing me with a stick. And you need to give me extra, condescending love because no one else will," Ben said, and I could see a slight tear in the corner of his eye. Oh god, this wasn't a sudden realization or anything. Ben had thought of this before! I had been hurting him, over and over again, when I had just been trying...What had I been trying to do?

"It isn't like that," I said, my voice sounding choked, "You don't get the things that you deserve." I said and the words came out flat. I failed to capture the idea.

"I deserve to kiss my sister?" He responded.

"No...I mean yeah but not like that," I said, and I realized I was just digging a deeper hole.

"Tell me, just point-blank Rachel, do you pity me because I am less popular than you were?"

"No!" I said, and it really wasn't that. He wasn't really all that much less popular.

"What, because I don't have your grades and I am not great at sports?" He asked.

"No," I said again.

"Is it because I am not as good looking as you?" He asked. I paused. Just for a second, but I did it.

"No," I said, finally. But I could see in his eyes that he had sense it too. I had, unwittingly, confirmed that I pitied my brother. And that was true, I did. And that I pitied him because...he was ugly. He knew it.

"I knew it, I knew that was it. Ever since the whole 'Lolipop' thing..." Ben said, shaking his head.

"It's not pity," I said, trying to salvage it, because it didn't feel like a bad thing, like pity, it felt like something else, "It's like...I am sorry that...I am guilty about it. I just want to...make things fair."

"By kissing me and weirding me out?" He asked.

"I just thought... you haven't had the experiences with girls that you should. You deserve more. And Amber was mean and she was...ugly. So I would give you something better. Because you deserve that. And I thought it might make you feel better, about Amber and everything, if..."

"When did I ever say that anyone owed me anything? When did I say that I should have more experiences with girls or I should get better looking girls than Amber? I just want a girl who treats me better than Amber. And you have no right to just...what place do you have in making anything different happen? Who are you or anyone else to decide what I deserve? I mean, what were you planning on doing, Rach?"

"I..."

"No, I don't want to know. I have never felt bad about who I am. Except when you, or someone else, makes me feel like I should feel bad about who I am. I never asked you to feel guilty about the way I look. I didn't ask you to do anything for me. You know what I deserve Rach? I deserve not to feel like this," And Ben stood up quickly and walked rapidly up the stairs. I heard his feet across the floor to his room. The door closed.

I sat in silence, looking blankly at the television for a long time. For a few minutes, after the wave of Ben's hatred flooded over me, I was just in shock. The whole situation had just been so...bizarre. But that faded and then, what I honestly felt, was anger. I crossed my arms in front of me, I crossed my knees and bounced my legs and shook my head. It didn't even matter what I did, I told myself, I didn't deserve that. He overreacted. He didn't appreciate what I was trying to do for him.

Of course, he'd never asked me to do anything for him. He'd never asked for any of this. And then the anger started to fade as well. I don't really know what I was feeling after that. It wasn't numb shock, I know that. I was feeling something but... It is like when you're drunk and the hangover starts before you go to sleep, you're head aches because you're sick and it really hurts, but you can't feel the hurt because you are still drunk. It was like that. I was feeling something, but I couldn't tell what it was.

I didn't even really think about what I was doing. I found myself rising up from the couch, and walking softly up the stairs. My mind was a confused fog as I made my way upstairs, and padded quietly through the hallway. I came to my brother's door and stopped, even though if you'd asked me I'd have said I didn't want to be within 100 yards of it. And then, I was opening up the door. Not knocking. Just barging in. Well, not barging, just slipping quietly inside. And my brother was laying on his bed, his arms behind his head and his legs crossed at the ankles. He was looking at the ceiling, his eyes were glassy. He knew I was there, but didn't react. He was used to me going places where I shouldn't be, I guess.

And then the words came. Unbidden. Unconsidered. Not planned out. It wasn't a scheme. It wasn't layered with guilt or coated with pity. I had turned off that neurotic part of my brain. I had recognized, somehow, that I needed to be authentic in that moment.

"I am sorry," I said, "And not just for tonight. I crossed a line, I know that. And I am sorry about that. But it is so much bigger than that." Ben didn't react. He just kept staring at the ceiling. That was fine, he had the right to do whatever he wanted to do. He didn't have to accept my apology, I just had to say it. And mean it. And that meant coming clean. On everything.

"You're right. I have pitied you. And it is because...I know that you aren't as physically attractive as me. And I know that sounds vain, and I think I get hung up on that. I think it makes me sort of afraid to trust myself about this, and that just ties me up in bigger knots. But...let me be honest. I think it is an objective fact that I am...better looking than you.

"And I don't like it, Ben. I mean, I like to look good. I love it. But I don't understand why I get it and you don't. I don't like that it is different and there isn't any reason for it. And when I realized that, the first time, I felt pity for you. And guilty. And those feelings never went away. And I know that that changed the way we are together. It did, you realized it to.

"But you have to understand something, I don't condescend to you. I don't...just treat you the way I treat you because I feel guilty about our looks or because I...feel sympathy for you. That's how it started, I admit that. But...I mean ever since that...Lollipop incident, our relationship has been really better, hasn't it?

"When I learned what other people said about you, it made me stop looking at you like you were my annoying little brother for once. I looked at you, for the first time ever, like another person in the world, just like anyone else. And it got me to change the way I thought at you. And I got to know you in a different way, to really know you. I learned that I cared about you not just because you were my brother and mom and dad said I had to. But because, I really love you. And because I really wanted what was best for you.

"And you can't tell me, despite everything else, that our relationship isn't better now than it was before. We are...friends now. I learned that I like you. You're funny, and you're warm, and you're sweet, and you're smart, and you treat people thoughtfully. And I learned that that was the real reason that I want what is best for you. That guilt and that...pity...those were ugly feelings. I can see that, I can understand how you feel about that. But you have to admit that that opened the door to something...else, something more than that.

"Honestly, that is all I ever wanted. That was the thing that I thought you deserved. It wasn't that you deserved...I don't know, someone sexy. I don't think sisters, even fucked up sisters like me, really want that for their brothers. What I wanted was for someone to do the thing that I did, to look beyond something superficial like...the shape of your body, to see what kind of person you are. I wanted the kind of woman you deserve, a truly good woman, to see that you would make them happy, and to give you a chance. And tonight, I think that I just wanted to show you that your good traits aren't invisible. They are infinite and they are obvious to anyone who takes half a second to look. And I wanted you to know that I saw them. And appreciate them. Because I love you. I just got fucked up in my head when I tried to do it. I am not as thoughtful as you."

I delivered this entire monologue to the side of Ben's head. He had kept staring at the ceiling the entire time, just breathing and staring. He barely blinked. I wasn't even sure that he was listening to me. But the words flowed out of me, no control at all. I guess that was a problem I had. But when I finally finished up, I realized that for the first time, I'd really captured the entirety of my feelings for my brother. And I had been honest with him about them, the good and the bad. The narcissistic and the altruistic, all in one. I didn't like everything I said about myself. I didn't hate anything either. I was ugly and I was beautiful, just like my brother. He realized that too.

"It is okay Rach," he said. His words were simple. He didn't elaborate. But he turned his head and looked at me as he said it. I could see in his eyes and hear in his voice that he understood. "No one is perfect," he said, "the best we can hope for is that people accept our flaws and recognize our strengths. I know you love me, Rach. Even if you are confused about the way you show it. I love you too."

"Thank you," I said, my voice catching in my throat. I hadn't realized how badly I'd needed to hear that. I didn't realize how much I had been groping as much for Ben to accept me as I had been for me to accept Ben. I needed to really know he didn't resent me. I walked quickly across the room, once again my body moving on its own, not bothering to consult my mind. But now, for some reason, I felt like I could trust my instincts.

I just got onto to my brother's little twin bed, sort of jumping on top of him. My legs straddled his waist, but wasn't really thinking about that. I wrapped my arms around his neck. That is what I wanted to. Hug him, and to hold him. To let him feel my love for him.

And for the first time, one of my unsisterly bouts of affection didn't backfire. I didn't feel Ben's body tense defensively against me. He didn't push me away. His around wrapped around me as well, pulling me in. My affection was authentic, unforced. Ben could feel that I needed to give him that love. And I think he realized that he needed to honestly return it. In that moment, he needed me and I needed him.

I lay on the bed, holding my brother for a long time. I don't know, it felt nice. We'd just been fighting, and it is always good to make up with someone you love. And it was warm and comfortable on his bed. But of course, those things were only a little bit of it. It felt good to have my brother's surprisingly strong arms around me, it felt good to feel my cheek against his. It felt...right.

And I guess it felt right to Ben as well. I don't know when I noticed it. It certainly wasn't there when I first jumped onto the bed and I don't think I recognized it when it first appeared. But my brother and I were both just wearing pajama pants. I wasn't even wearing underwear under mine. There was just a few thin layers of fabric between us. Sometime, into the hug, I noticed it. I noticed that my brother's penis had grown hard. I felt it, pressing but not rubbing against me.

Obviously, Ben knew that it had happened as well. I think maybe we were both a little surprised about it. I mean, I knew then what I'd been trying to do just a short time before, even if I hadn't really thought through the mechanics. I'd been willing to offer my body to my brother at midnight (I think). But the situation had changed rapidly since then. I thought...well I thought I'd put that behind me. I thought I'd realized that I didn't really want that anyway, that it was crazy. And I thought that Ben didn't want anything to do with it. That he was sort of disgusted by it.

But here we were. I was lying in my brother's bed, my hips straddling him. And Ben was there. Not resisting me. Not disgusted. But excited by me, whether he wanted to be or not. And when I felt his hardness pressing against me, and I looked inside of myself, I saw, to my surprise, that the desire hadn't left me. Even now, after everything and even recognizing that I was crazy, I wanted to feel him against me. And I found my hips pressing down and back, felt his hard cock pressing against me through the thin fabric, feeling the thrill run down my spine and hearing his breath quicken. Without thought, I turned my head towards my brother's neck, my lips found the side of his throat and I could feel the blood pulsing in his veins. And I pushed down harder with my hips, grinding on him more forcefully, and again moving my lips against his throat. Ben's hands pulled tighter on my body, squeezing me against him, I felt his hips thrust up towards me, instinct. I moaned.

And then Ben seemed to freeze, just for a second. I was no longer willing to bowl through him, to act based on what I thought he wanted instead of listening to what he really wanted, and I stopped moving. My heart thrummed, but I wasn't nervous. I would listen to whatever Ben wanted to do.

"Wait, wait Rach," Ben said, and I quickly moved my lips away from him, arched my back and brushed my hair out of my eyes. He was looking up at me, his face serious, "What are we doing? Why are we doing this? Why are you doing this?" With his pupils locked on mine, I knew that I couldn't lie. But, I also realized that I didn't have to. I looked inside of myself, and I didn't see guilt. I didn't see pity.

"This isn't a plan or something. This isn't why I came in here," I said honestly. Ben nodded. He didn't just believe me he knew it. But I interrogated myself, quickly, trying to figure out how I had suddenly found myself in what, just a few minutes ago, would have seemed completely impossible. "I want to do what I always said I wanted other people to do. I know you. And because I know you, I love you. And I want to show you how much I love you. No agenda, no condescension. I want to give you a chance, because I am really drawn to you. I am looking at you now and...I don't know what I am doing. But I don't want to stop," I said, my voice smooth and genuine. Ben smiled, his eyes softening. There was something different here. Something had shifted, even if we couldn't say what it was. It wasn't what we were doing, but why we were doing it.

"Jesus Rach...I didn't think this was going to happen. I would have said this couldn't happen. I don't know..." he said. And I realized in that moment that Ben had been struggling with complicated feelings, just like me. Feelings I didn't know, but somehow I could understand. He felt pulled in different directions by thoughts that somehow cut both ways, and now, suddenly, everything had come into alignment. And it was beautiful and scary all at once. "Rach, you really are so beautiful...I never know how to feel about that and its just so... " I didn't need him to explain. I understood as much as I ever would.

"Don't worry about that now, Ben," I said, "I love you. And I have never wanted to this with anyone more in my life," I said

"I want it too," Ben said softly. I smiled and I bent my head back down towards Ben's, but I didn't turn my head towards his neck. I found his lips again, quickly, desperately. And he tilted his chin to find me, not rigid or uncomfortable now. Our lips pressed together, his crooked mouth pairing perfectly with my own. I felt...electricity.