Perfectly Charming

"Kids, work. Too many conflicts," I said with a shrug. "What'd we miss?"

Courtney and Jake regaled us on their efforts to learn waltz, swing and salsa. "I loved the salsa," Jake interjected with a wink. Why was I not surprised. The champagne came. "They packed a lot into those next five classes," Jake volunteered. "Tonight we'll show you guys as much as we can remember, right Courtney?"

"Of course," she agreed. "We need the practice too. In fact, Jake, why don't you show Mia some stuff right now. That's a good song they're playing."

Jake glanced at his wife and got out of the booth. He extended his hand. "May I have this dance?" he asked my wife. She looked at me. I shrugged and stood to get out of her way. She slid out and took hold of Jake's hand. Together they walked past several tables and booths, turned right at the corner and headed to the dance floor.

"Would you like to dance?" I asked Courtney, as she took a sip of her drink.

She swallowed her sip and demurely replied, "Yes, but I would like to let dinner settle a bit first, if that's okay?"

"Of course," I answered. "So tell me, what do you enjoy besides dancing?" Courtney smiled and began telling me about her yoga classes.

As we talked, a lady about our age walked by, stopped and squealed, "Courtney!"

Courtney looked up and squealed back, "Emma!" Courtney jumped out of the booth. The two of them hugged and talked ninety miles a minute. I gathered they were high school friends from way back. Emma told Courtney that she and some other old friends were upstairs. Courtney turned and asked, "Would you mind if I went up to visit my friends? I haven't seen them in ages. Jake and Mia should be back any minute." The look of anticipation on both their faces was comical.

"Sure. Of course. I'll be fine." The two friends skipped away towards the stairs. I looked around the booth. Here I sat, alone. Not entirely alone. I had all our possessions to keep me company. There were four coats, four drinks, a magnum of Champagne, two ladies' purses with their sundries and ID's, credit cards and money. And hundreds of strangers walking about.

I sat, alone, and silently sipped champagne. And sipped. And sipped. And sipped. I played on my phone, fidgeted, and waited. And waited. And waited. And fidgeted. A fucking hour and forty minutes later I exhaled a huge breath. What the hell? Jake and Mia should be back any minute, she said. Yeah, right. And you should have been right back too. Where the hell is everybody? Jake and Mia go dance, then you leave to visit friends and no one comes back. This fucking sucks.

I tried to understand why everyone was still gone. Putting myself in Mia's place, I imagined that she was having a blast learning dance moves with Jake, and she probably thought I was happily chatting away with Courtney, or maybe dancing with Courtney like she was dancing with Jake. So I could sort of, almost excuse her taking so long. Not really, but sort of.

Courtney, on the other hand, probably thought Jake and Mia were keeping me company while she visited with long lost friends. Being gone this long was still rude as hell, but to give her the benefit of the doubt, she probably never dreamed I was alone. So, as mad and irritated as I was, I could see some justification for the circumstances that resulted in me sitting alone. Not enough justification to stop my rising anger. An hour and forty fucking minutes?

In desperation, I picked up Mia's purse. I took out her wallet and phone and stuffed them in my pockets, then placed her purse under her coat. I reached over the booth and snatched Courtney's purse and hid it with Mia's. I reached for Courtney and Jake's coats, stacking them over Mia's coat with Jake's large coat on top to partially hide the rest of the loot. I stood up, holding my own coat over my arm.

"Excuse me," I said to a guy sitting at a table nearby. "Could you watch our stuff while I go to the restroom? My friends will be back any minute. And, help yourself to the champagne."

"Cool," he answered, getting up to fill his glass from the magnum Jake had bought. "No problem," he promised. I wasn't too sure if anything would actually be there when I got back. But bribing him with the champagne and telling him someone was coming soon might keep our stuff safe for a while. I took selfish satisfaction knowing the stuff that I left behind was mainly Jake and Courtney's. After baby sitting their coats and her purse all alone for an hour and forty minutes, if their stuff now somehow disappears, that's on them.

I walked down the hall and around the corner. I still couldn't see the dance floor. There was a padded railing around the dance area with a solid wall of people leaning against it, talking and taking breaks between dances. Filtering my way through the crowd, I got to the railing and craned my neck to peer above the sea of heads, looking for a familiar face. Nothing. But I couldn't see everyone at once. The dance floor was big, crowded and the lighting dim. I waited through one more song as the dancers rotated around and, still seeing no familiar face, I left to go upstairs. I walked around the balcony area, looking down at the dance floor. I swiveled my head back and forth as I walked, taking time to search for Courtney and her friend at the tables along the walls as I looked for Jake and Mia on the dance floor. In the end, it was all for naught. Twenty minutes of searching and I saw no familiar faces. Where the fuck was everybody?

Frustrated, I made my way back to our table. All the stuff was still there. The guy watching it wasn't. Oh well. Still not my problem. I pondered the situation. Choosing to sit back down and wait like an idiot didn't appeal to me. Fuck that. I left, again taking comfort that the stuff was mostly Jake and Courtney's, and walked to the second dance room, repeating the extensive search I had done in the first dance area. Still nothing, and no one, to show for my efforts.

This time I did not return to our table. I slipped my coat on, deciding to go down the street, hoping to find them at one of the other clubs. The first club I got to had a dance floor crowded with guys, all doing the two step to a country western toon. Surreal. I don't know what I expected in a gay club, but guys in jeans, boots and cowboy hats dancing the two step together wasn't it. Courtney and Mia would stand out like a sore thumb in this place. I could see in minutes they weren't there.

Next up, lesbian heaven, or whatever it was called. I liked the view a lot better than in the guys club. I spent another fifteen or twenty minutes scurrying about that club before concluding no one I knew was there.

Finally I walked to the parking lot. My car was right where I left it, of course. I had the keys. I was more concerned to confirm that Jake's car was there. It was. I walked over to feel the hood. Cold. Hmm, I thought, as a deep voice boomed, 'Back away from the vehicle. Police will be notified'. I jumped a foot high and almost peed. Fucking alarm. A gust of cold wind whipped around me. I kicked the bumper and trudged back, cold and royally pissed off.

Amazingly, when I got to our table., our stuff was all still there. I took off my jacket, slung it onto the pile in the back of the booth and sat. I resigned myself. Their stuff is here. They've got to come back eventually. I flagged down a waitress and ordered a Scotch, neat. While I waited for the drink, I put Mia's phone and wallet back in her purse and checked the time. Three and a half hours had passed since Courtney left with her friend. Shit.

My drink came. I people watched, glumly, sipping on my alcohol, alternating between confused, angry and concerned. Fifteen minutes later, Jake and Mia pranced to the table, holding hands, happy and laughing. Mia looked flushed. She grabbed her drink and downed it in one long gulp. "I'm so thirsty," she croaked.

She saw my glare. "Where the hell have you been?" I asked. She scrunched her face, nonplussed at my attitude.

Before answering, she reached for Jake's glass, still half full, and lifted his glass to her lips. "Tell you later," she whispered hoarsely, before downing the champagne from his glass in another long gulp. Her answer did nothing to soothe my anger, but I wasn't going to make a scene. Not yet.

"Did you guys have fun?" Mia asked.

"You guys?" I snorted.

Mia lifted her eyebrows. "Where's Courtney?"

I snorted. "She left with a long lost friend to visit some other long lost friends."

"Did she take her phone?" Jake asked. I shrugged. He pulled his phone from his pocket and punched a number. Seconds later he asked, "Hey, baby, where are you? Okay, cool. See you soon."

He turned to us. "She'll be here in a minute."

Mia patted my arm. "She'll be right back, love."

When Courtney returned, she had three friends in tow. They stood by the booth as she introduced them to us. We made small talk a few minutes, then Courtney coyly asked Jake, "So, did you and Mia have fun dancing?"

Jake smiled from ear to ear. "Hell yeah. Let me tell you guys a funny story. During one dance, someone stepped on Mia's toes. I swear it wasn't me." He grinned. "But we figured out a way to avoid that in the future, didn't we Mia? Come on, let's show them how we dance when it's crowded." She grinned. Both of them stood up. Courtney stood with her friends as I, once again, sat alone in the booth. We all watched to see what he was talking about.

My wife jumped up onto Jake, wrapping her legs tightly around his waist, her arms around his neck. He grabbed under her bottom, holding one hand tightly on each of her butt cheeks. Mia closed her eyes and lay her head on his chest, the two of them molded together, swaying groin to groin. They kept up the 'dance' for less than a minute, then laughed as Mia slid down off of him.

When she dropped to her feet, he kept his arms arms tight around her, their faces inches apart. Using a stage whisper, he told her, "Thank you for the dance," and leaned in for a nice deep kiss, right in front of everyone, his hands roaming her back and squeezing her butt as theirs tongues continued to dance. WTF! I looked at Courtney, my astonishment obvious. She smiled, patted my arm and explained, "It's okay. All my friends know Jake is allowed to play with other women when we go out."

Courtney's friends nervously glanced at me while Mia and Jake kissed. What the Fuck Courtney! Your friends know 'Jake' is allowed to play with other women. Okay, got that. Did anyone ask if Mia is allowed to play with other men? From the way her friends giggled at me, the same question occurred to them.

I sat there, too astonished to talk. Embarrassed, humiliated, stunned, dazed. Pick an adjective. My smiling wife stood beside Jake, his arm locked around her waist. Courtney moved over to chat with her friends. I felt more alone now than I had when everyone had been away. My heart raced. I could almost hear it thumping. I felt the blood pulsing in my neck. My knees weakened. My stomach churned. Without a word, I headed for the restroom.

I reached the stall in time. I kneeled in front of the porcelain god and heaved for all I was worth. Wave after wave of sickness rolled through my torso. I puked up chunks of my expensive Italian dinner. I puked up my expensive drinks. I puked up foul smelling acid and then I puked up nothing at all until my body couldn't heave anymore. Exhausted, I leaned my head on the cold porcelain, letting it support my weak body and keep me from tumbling onto the unsanitary floor. My head spinning, tears salting my cheeks, I took deep breaths and longed for the emotional pain to pass.

A guy from the next stall got up, washed his hands then returned to tap me on the back. "You okay, buddy?"

"Not really," I answered. I forced myself to stand anyway. "But I'll be alright." He looked at me, frowned, and left. I'm sure he took me for another drunk who couldn't hold his liquor. I silently wished that was my problem. I staggered to the sinks, washed my face several times in cold water, then dried off. I straightened my hair, took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and looked at myself. "You can handle this." I told myself. "Liar," I answered back, shaking my head. Gallows humor.

When I returned, they were discussing the best place to take salsa lessons. One of Courtney's friends caught my eye, blushed, put her hand over her mouth and turned away, embarrassed to look at me. You're right, I thought. I'm the wimp ass husband whose wife was making out with Jake. I tapped Mia on the back. "Are you ready to go?"

Her smile melted. "It's not even one o'clock. They don't close until two."

"I'm not feeling my best."

"Oh." She glanced around reluctantly. "Well, okay then, if you're not feeling good." She informed everyone we were leaving. Courtney and Jake offered to walk us to our car. I waved them off, saying we could get there by ourselves, no need to leave their friends. With that, Courtney gave me and Mia both a brief hug. Jake shook my hand, turned and pulled Mia in for a long deep kiss. One of Courtney's friends giggled. I turned away, ashamed to let anyone see my face. After they parted, Mia whispered, "wow," blushed and waved goodnight to everyone.

It was all over but the shouting, as they say. And there was gonna be shouting. Mia had no idea how much shouting was coming. Neither did I. I was furious at the moment. Time and the answers to questions would determine just how angry I would stay. I'd learned the lessons before, don't jump the gun without all the information. "Baby, would you drive?" I asked as we neared the parking lot, handing her the keys.

"You're feeling too bad to drive? I'm so sorry. Of course."

"Yeah. I think I will lean back and close my eyes a bit, let my stomach settle down." Like that was even possible. My stomach felt like I had been sucker punched in the gut by George Foreman. I wanted to rest, to sleep, to escape this nightmare. But rest and sleep were far away. My mind swirled, jumping from thought to thought like stones skipping across a pond. Before rest could come, I needed answers.

First, why the hell did she spend four hours alone with Jake? What made her think that was okay? What the hell happened during those four hours? Why the hell did she let him kiss her like that in front of everybody? Did she not hear the snickers of Courtney's friends when Jake squeezed her butt and stuck his tongue down her throat while I stood there like an idiot? Why would she disrespect me like it was nothing? Sure, Jake had permission from his wife to play with other women. That seemed to be common knowledge. But since when did Mia have permission to play with other men? I didn't remember that conversation, and I kinda think I would have.

After a few minutes she asked, "Is dinner not sitting well?"

"That's not it. I already puked up everything I ate."

"What? When did that happen?"

"I started feeling bad hours ago. I didn't start barfing until just before I asked you if we could leave."

"Oh sweety, I'm so sorry." She reached over to hold my hand, her eyes still on the road.

"So, tell me," I asked, "did you have a nice time." She took her eyes from the road just a second and glanced at me.

"Oh my God. That was so wild. I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but I had an absolute blast."

"You did? Tell me about it."

"Okay. Uhh, well, when I first went to dance with Jake, he showed me a lot of different moves he learned at the class, you know, the stuff we missed in the later classes. That lasted, I don't know, maybe five or six songs, more than half an hour. Then we walked around the place, with him showing me the different levels and what was on each one. I mentioned going back to our table but he explained he and Courtney had discussed making sure you and I each had a nice evening. He was sure Courtney was doing her best to show you a nice time and probably doing about the same things with you as we were doing."

"Oh, really?" I asked. Like hell she was, I thought.

"Yeah. So, then we danced a few more songs. When I told him I was hot and needed a break, he suggested we cool off by walking outside down to the gay clubs, just to see what they were like. So that's what we did.

"We danced a few songs in each place. When we were at the gay men's place, there were maybe thirty men on the dance floor and I was the only woman. I told Jake that I had never danced with so many men at the same time before. That cracked him up."

I chuckled in spite of myself. Yep, that's my Mia, witty as hell. "So you enjoyed the gay clubs?"

"It was interesting. I was thinking of you in the club with all the lesbians. I figured you would love looking at them."

"I'm not sure they would love looking at me," I volunteered. Mia grinned.

"By then Jake and I had been together, like, I don't know, maybe a couple of hours. We walked back to the big club. I got chilly on that walk and Jake swept me right out on the dance floor to get me warmed up. This slow song came on and we kinda swayed in one place. That's when he told me about him and Courtney being swingers."

"He what?" I asked, my chin hanging loose like my jaw had broken.

She glanced at me. "You look surprised. He told me that you guys talked about swinging during dinner, and you told him you were interested."

My head swiveled. "He mentioned one of the couples at the rec center were swingers and asked what I thought about that. I told him what consenting adults do is fine with me. I may have used the word interesting. He never mentioned it was him and Courtney."

"Huh. Oh. Well, anyway, he told me that he and Courtney decided on the drive over from the restaurant that since you were okay with it, that if I was interested too, he would make sure I had some fun with him while Courtney had some fun with you. He explained the whole thing. And since you and I had already talked about it..."

"Wait, when did we talk about it?"

"Oh, honey, you remember. After that new year's party."

"When you and Jim brought in the new year?"

"Honey, he was dancing with me when the countdown came and..."

"You kissed 'cause he was holding you at the stroke of midnight. Of course I remember that."

"Right, love. We agreed later it was no big deal and we might even try swapping some time if we found the right couple and everyone was okay with it. Right?"

"True. We did say that a couple of years ago."

"So when Jake told me you and he had talked and you didn't have a problem with it, I wasn't all that surprised. I mean, when you first saw Courtney at the restaurant. I practically had to lift your chin up to close your mouth. You remember. I told you not to gawk."

"I remember," I reluctantly admitted, knowing where her mind was taking this.

"I understood immediately why you were okay swapping with them. She was like your dream girl. So it seemed like everyone else was already down and it was up to me." She glanced over and grinned. "And you know how charming Jake is."

"The guy does ooze charm." No matter how much I hated to admit it, the guy could sell ice to Eskimos and charm a snake out of its skin. Or sell a god he didn't believe in to the trusting souls of guileless Christians. Lies or truth, whatever worked. I snickered.

Mia looked at me quizzically, not sure what my snicker implied. She shrugged. "I didn't say, sure let's all jump in bed. But I didn't say no either. He nibbled on my ear, held me close and we kissed some as we danced. When the song stopped, he asked me if I wanted to see his secret makeout room here at the club."

"Wait. His what?"

"That's the same thing I said," she laughed. "He walked me upstairs to the DJ's booth. Turns out the DJ is a friend of his. In the back of the booth, behind the DJ, is a sofa and coffee table where the DJ can rest between sets. No one can see it, well except for the DJ of course."