Perspectives Ch. 13-14

"That's not it, John. And, just to be clear, I have my own likes and dislikes when it comes to guys. I wouldn't let every guy I pass on the street have a go at me."

Now Jason's irritation became more clear. I wouldn't like someone including me in a blanket judgment. I shouldn't have done that to him. Wow, could I be an ass sometimes! "Okay. Fair enough. Sorry for generalizing. Go on with what you were telling me."

After he spoke, telling me, "I don't know how to go about saying this, so I'm just going to tell you straight out. I have a crush on you, John. I have since the first day I saw you," Jason cringed and shrunk away from me in his chair, as if he expected me to be upset. I had to fight the urge to grin at him.

"Oh," was all I said. It felt good to be right. But this was still a serious conversation we were having. Gloating - even just grinning - now would be the wrong move to make.

"Oh? That's it? That's all you have to say?"

"Yeah. That's all I have to say."

"That's certainly not the reaction I was expecting."

"How did you want me to react? Anger, shock, disgust?"

"Well..."

That hesitation on Jason's part hit me the wrong way. I thought the two of us were friends. He should've known that I'd never react that way. It hurt a little to know that he felt the same way about me that I knew so many of the others in the office felt. And that made me angry. I was about to say as much when it occurred to me that, over the past couple years, I'd done a lot to live up to that reputation...and I wasn't always the best boss I could be. And not only here in Denver, but back in the office too, I'd often made Jason face the brunt of that. So, instead of lashing out at him, I decided to tell him something that I thought might make this whole situation a little less awkward.

I reached out and patted his shoulder. "I have a confession of my own to make, Jason. I've known for a long time how you feel about me."

Maybe I shouldn't have told him that. If we were in the office, I'd be looking at the line veering into sexual harassment in the rear view mirror right about now. But, we weren't in the office. In fact, we'd stopped being boss and subordinate last night in that elevator. We were John and Jason, two guys trying to sort out our feelings.

Jason seemed kind of surprised by my revelation. When he asked me sarcastically if I was some sort of mind reader, I couldn't stop myself from chuckling. I had to reveal more to him about how I knew how he felt about me. "No. It's just... Well... All those reassuring e-mails you sent me when I first got hired. The way you look at me...and my crotch. And let's face it. I have a reputation in the office for being long-winded. You're the only person at work who seems to actually enjoy when I stop by and end up spending 20 minutes talking about something that could've been resolved in two minutes."

"That doesn't mean anything! I enjoy talking to you!"

I had to laugh when he responded that way. I know when someone's eyes glass-over with boredom. I see it all the time at work. But, talking things to death is a nervous habit of mine. I know NO ONE enjoys having me ramble on and on in their office. "I already like you, Jason. You don't have to flatter me!" My laugh settled into a smile and my hand reflexively gripped Jason's shoulder. When my hand made contact with his body, it felt so damn good to touch him. Why did it feel so good to touch him?

For a lot longer than it should have, my hand held a grip on his shoulder and we looked into each other's eyes. This was going back into a place that I didn't want it to go. Just five minutes ago, we had reached an end to this conversation and I was seconds away from escaping back to my hotel room. Now, even though I was the one touching him, I was back in Jason's grip. This was insane! And yet, I couldn't stop what was happening. I wasn't sure I wanted to.

But, it had to stop. I finally pulled my self together and jerked my hand away from him, standing up and saying the one thing that I thought might break the fever of this trance we were both in. "I'd better head back to my room and see if I can get in touch with the family..."

I'd almost made it to his hotel room door when, from behind he, he said, "Oh. Okay, John... Maybe we can get together later and see about finding some dinner."

As much as my body trembled when he said that, a sure sign that part of me wanted to see him again later, I couldn't let that happen. We needed to return our relationship to a purely professional level. And, if we were to see each other later, I wasn't sure things between us would ever be professional again. "Nah. I'll probably just fend for myself tonight. Feel free to do your own thing." I hope that sounded as nonchalant as I intended it to.

I reached out and grabbed the doorknob, pulling it open. I was almost free! As I stepped into the hallway, something inside me told me to stop. A lot had gone down today. Jason and I had been more honest with each other than I'd ever been with almost anyone in my whole life. But, I hadn't been completely honest with him, had I? There were a couple cards I was still holding that hadn't been put on the table yet. Sure. I could walk out the door and never say a word. He'd never be the wiser. I could try to go on with my life, pretending like he and I were square and there were no further secrets between us.

But that's not what I did. Instead, I stepped back inside and shut the door, turning around to face Jason, still seated at the table. "Is something wrong, John?"

Yes. Yes there is! I'm an idiot for doing what I'm about to do! "No. Nothing's wrong. It's just that I figure... If you had the guts to be honest with me, I should have the guts to do the same with you. Besides, we're stranded here with nothing to do but watch wall-to-wall reporting on TV about the snowstorm. We might as well get everything out on the table."

I walked back to the table and sat down in the seat I'd just vacated. It was probably a huge mistake to say what I was about to say. But I wasn't in control of myself anymore. I felt compelled to unburden myself. I only hoped that after I did, I wouldn't regret this choice...