Plaid Jacket Jackson

"What the hell's the difference?" PJ asked. What he really wanted to do was jump on the stage and throttle the pompous little gasbag.

"Banning books is something totalitarian governments and dictatorships do. We exclude books from our list of books available to check out. And to get to your main point, the book is full of racist language including the rape of a white girl by a black man. That imagery does not need to be placed in the minds of impressionable youth."

PJ stared at Elmer, aghast. "Have you even read the book? Tom Robinson, the black man, you are referring to is innocent of the crime. He's killed by a white lynch mob for a crime he did not commit! This is a book that talks about the evils of racism and a rush to judgment. How do you, as an "educational professional" I believe you called yourself; how do you not know what the book you are trying to ban; sorry, exclude, is about? This book has been taught in classrooms across this country for decades. That book is considered one of the greatest novels of the twentieth century and Miz Hodges has taught that book to thousands of high school seniors right here, including almost everyone in this auditorium. This book should not be banned. Or excluded."

There was a murmur from the audience and many more heads nodding in agreement with PJ's statements and snatches of their comments could be clearly heard; "I watched that movie with my kids on Turner Classic!"... "Gregory Peck!"... "He wants to ban Gregory Peck?"

Elmer stood trembling in anger at being called out by this...this...used car salesman. He could sense the audience turning against him. "Mr. Jackson," Elmer managed to squeak out before being interrupted by PJ, who barked out, "Doctor Jackson!"

Angry and starting to sweat, Elmer knew he was losing control of the situation and attempted to de-escalate. "Doctor Jackson. We're here to discuss the list. Changes to this list can be made if agreed upon. Are there any other concerns?" Elmer asked looking around the audience.

"I'm not finished," PJ said. "Why is the "Color Purple" by Alice Walker on your list? Almost every character in the book is black. Are you going to stand up there and tell me the black characters are a bunch of racists?"

Elmer took a deep breath to calm himself. He could feel himself sweating through his suit and detected the acrid odor of flop sweat and knew it was coming from his body. If he had to go through every book on his list to justify its placement, it was going to be a long night.

"That book depicts many immoral sexual scenes including homosexuality plus sex between unmarried people as well as adultery. That book does not belong in a morally-centric curriculum."

It was the opening that PJ had been waiting for.

"You're telling me that it has nothing to do with the character's race?"

"Of course not. This is strictly a morality issue. The fact that there are depictions of sex between unmarried people as well as adulterous acts make this book unsuitable and should be excluded from the school."

"You've lost me," PJ said. "Why are depictions of sex between unmarried people and adultery forbidden by your proposed curriculum?"

Elmer gawped at PJ. "How can you ask that question? Adultery is wrong! It's a sin! How can you not know that? Why would you even consider that adultery is okay to teach in school?"

PJ nodded his head as if considering Elmer's words. "So, what you are saying is that if a book contains scenes of unmarried sex or adultery it needs to be banned, sorry, excluded from the school."

"Exactly!" Elmer shouted. He was growing increasingly frustrated by PJ's obtuseness.

"No exceptions?" PJ asked. His original plan was to hold up a copy of the Holy Bible, but he had rejected that idea. The quickest way to lose whatever momentum he had was to tell people to question their religious beliefs. So, he went with Plan B, which in retrospect, was probably Plan A all along.

"No exceptions," Elmer agreed.

"Well," PJ drawled, "if a book that contains depictions of unmarried sex and adultery should be banned, sorry, excluded from the school with no exceptions, what should be done about two school employees who are engaging in unmarried sex and committing adultery?"

Elmer opened his mouth to reply but when the import of PJ's question sank in, Elmer's mouth snapped shut and his eyes bugged out. From her chair, Carol threw her hands to her mouth as her eyes opened wide in horror.

Elmer stuttered and stammered, unable to make a coherent response as his face turned scarlet.

PJ faced the auditorium to speak. He noticed Rose Baker sitting by herself in the back row, her eyes shining brightly and a huge smile on her face. She nodded her head at PJ.

"As some of you may have gathered by now, the married, (acting) school superintendent is engaged in an affair with the also married, (acting) high school principal."

The grumbling of the crowd, which had been simmering at a low rumble, quickly boiled over into loud, angry shouts.

"That's a lie! You're lying to these people and I'll not have it," Elmer screeched over the crowd noise. "I'll sue you for slander for that!" Elmer felt lightheaded and thought he might pass out. How did the car salesman know?

"I've got receipts," PJ said, waving a flash drive in the air. "I have photos and videos of the two of you taken in a motel yesterday. I have proof of the two of you having the most boring, unimaginative sex that two people have ever had." PJ addressed the audience and said, "If any of you parents want to teach abstinence to your kids, make them watch a video of these two rutting around having butt sex. It'll turn them off sex forever."

Carol shrieked and ran crying and wailing off stage while Elmer remained standing mute in the center of the stage. The blood had drained from his face as he stood shell-shocked at what had just happened to him. Elmer's wife, Margie rose from her seat in the front row and glared at him as she stormed out of the auditorium.

"Mr. Jackson..." Elmer began before again being interrupted by PJ, who snapped at Elmer, with deliberate spacing in his words, "Doctor. Jackson."

Erin Hayes, the school board president approached Elmer and gently took him by the elbow, saying, "Elmer, perhaps you should take a few days' leave. You seem very distressed right now and you may need some time off to deal with your personal situation."

Elmer nodded and shuffled slowly off the stage. He had been gutted, skinned, and fileted by a used car salesman. With a doctorate, he sobbed to himself as he left the building. His three supporters on the school board had long since abandoned him.

"Jeez, PJ," Erin said, "That was a brutal takedown." She shook her head at what had just happened. "The school board will be meeting to discuss Elmer, but what about your wife?"

"She's a pretty good teacher and she's going to need a job but I don't think she's cut out for administration so I'd put her back in a classroom. But hey, don't let me influence the school board. Whoever the school board picks for the superintendent's job, it looks like the first order of business will be to hire a new principal for the high school," PJ mused.

Rose Baker chose that moment to walk up to PJ. She wore a smile that lit up her face, but that did not stop her from chiding PJ. "Leave something off your resume, did you?" She asked with mock sternness. "Maybe a little thing like having a doctorate?"

PJ raised his hands in a mea culpa gesture. "I wasn't one hundred percent sure how this was going to go so I didn't want to make myself look any more foolish by bringing it up. Thankfully, Elmer served himself up; basted and with an apple stuffed in his fat little mouth."

Erin shook her head, completely unsurprised at PJ's friendship with the presumed, new school superintendent. Erin Jackson Hayes, along with her brother Wayne and her sister Karen, had known PJ their entire lives, and nothing he did surprised anyone. Not to the extent of Uncle Straight Jacket and his sparkler trick, but still...Erin had married young and taken her husband's last name and had become a faithful wife, loving mother, PTA president, school board member, and now school board president. She had never taken on any type of Jacket name, although, she thought as she watched Elmer shuffle off the stage, Termination Jacket Jackson-Hayes did sound kind of badass...

Epilogue

15 Years Later

Billy "Plaid Jacket" Jackson (known to friends and family as BJ) looked appraisingly at his car lot (Plaid Jacket Jackson's Superior Cars and Trucks) from the sidewalk that ran parallel to the street in front of his dealership. BJ was constantly moving inventory around the lot and playing with different looks. You had to keep the place looking fresh and inviting. As one of the owners of the largest independent car dealership in Central Texas, BJ had an obligation to his customers and his community to present a positive image. He had learned that from his uncle, the previous Plaid Jacket Jackson.

BJ ruminated that a lot had changed in Jackson County over the last decade and a half. It had seemed so long ago that Annie, his wife of thirteen years was working the counter at Dairy Queen while going to Jackson County Community College. From there, Annie obtained a BS degree in education, after which she was hired as a math teacher at Jackson High. She next obtained her MS degree followed by a Ph.D. four years later. There were three kids born to the couple during those years.

A few years after receiving her MS degree, Annie was promoted to principal of Jackson High despite the squawks and complaints from the senior teacher on staff, Carol Hudson, the former Carol Jackson. Carol had remained in Jackson City because she had no place else to go. She had put Stamps, Arkansas in her rearview mirror decades ago so there was nothing for her there. At least in Jackson City, she had a house and a job.

After her husband's affair was revealed, Elmer Hudson's wife threw him out of their home, before placing it for sale and moving with her teenage children to her parent's home in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. Elmer had obtained a job as the assistant principal at Boerne Middle School, a thirty-minute drive from Jackson City. It was a position he held for two years before dropping dead of a heart attack during a bout of lackluster sex with his new wife Carol Hudson (nee Jackson.) Unfortunately, all his life insurance policies still listed his ex-wife as the beneficiary and Elmer had taken loans against his 401K to finance the legal battle with his wife, so Carol was left with nothing but an invoice for a poorly attended funeral for her husband of a few months.

When Annie was promoted to principal, everyone thought that Carol would quit, but that was not to be. She needed the money so she sucked it up and continued to teach, all the while being a thorn in the side of Annie, her boss whom Carol frequently referred to as "the convict's wife." It was not until Annie placed her on something called a "performance improvement plan" that her attitude changed. In all her years at Jackson High, no one had ever heard of, much less been placed on a PIP. It was a "come to Jesus" moment for Carol. Afterward, she kept her head down and her mouth shut.

But changes were afoot again. Róisín Jackson (nee Baker), the school superintendent would be retiring in a year and Annie was slated to take over as the new superintendent. When she had learned of this, Carol had gritted her teeth so hard that she had cracked a tooth. The convict's wife! Carol felt that this was rubbing salt into the wounds of a back that had already been flayed open from a vicious karmic beating. Every time she drove by that damned car lot and saw the convict standing out there in one of those ridiculous plaid jackets, she felt a deep anguish for all the bad decisions she had made in her life.

Róisín and her husband, PJ had moved off the farm several years ago, turning it over to Billy and his family as part of the trust. PJ and Rose had purchased a home near downtown Jackson City and its booming food and art scene. They could enjoy downtown Jackson City and be near PJ's dad, Philip who, thanks to his wife/therapist Bonita, was in remarkable shape for an eighty-year-old stroke survivor. The town's proximity to Austin and the fact that the Colorado River ran through the town made it a haven away from the rat race that Austin had become. Every day, PJ and Rose could be found strolling the downtown sidewalks, greeting people, and dining in the numerous cafes, bistros, and restaurants that lined the tree-shaded sidewalks of downtown Jackson City.

PJ had stepped further and further back from the dealership as Billy grew into the position and had shown a level of maturity and kindness that neither his mother (who still considered him a little fuck up) nor his ex-aunt (convict!) knew that he possessed. All three of his kids loved working at the dealership and were learning the ins and outs of the car business. The oldest, Peej (named Perry after his uncle) had his mother buy him the most garish plaid jackets that she could find either online or in the pro shop catalog at Jackson County Country Club to wear when he assisted his dad at the dealership. Peej knew that his destiny was to be the next Plaid Jacket Jackson after his father and he wanted to be ready. Lara and Bette, named after his late great-grandmother and his late great-great-grandmother respectively, were equally at home in either the office or on the sales floor. After college, they wanted to join their older brother in the family business so the future of Plaid Jacket Jackson Superior Cars and Trucks was guaranteed for decades to come. BJ knew that somewhere, Peter Jackson, the original Plaid Jacket, was looking down, content that his legacy would go on.

As BJ reached down with his handkerchief to wipe a speck of dust off his cowboy boots, he noticed wear on the heels so made a mental note that it was time to have them re-soled for the umpteenth time. Fortunately, the boots themselves were in good shape. As long as they were properly maintained, Python skin boots would last a lifetime.

Setting the record straight...

There is no 405^th Military Intelligence Brigade located at West Fort Cavazos. There is, however, a 504^th Military Intelligence Brigade to which I was assigned during the early eighties.

As far as 1970s feminist poetry is concerned, "Ella in a Square Apron Along Highway 80" isn't nearly as bad as it sounds.

Randall Jarrell, in his five-line poem "The Death of the Ball Turret Gunner," delivers a more searing indictment of the brutality of war than probably any author in history. The last line is a gut punch.

Stamps, Arkansas (home of Copperhead Carol) does exist. It is most notable for being the home of author/poet/actress Maya Angelou, who went from abject poverty, horrific abuse, and being trafficked to becoming one of the leading literary lights of the latter half of the twentieth century. Her story is told in her fascinating autobiography, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings." It is a truly inspiring and uplifting story of the triumph of the human spirit. It is also one of the most banned books of all time.

The books that I listed in this story are just a few of the books that have been banned by various school districts in my home state of Texas.