Plain Jane the Chameleon

Edward got my attention and pointed toward the road. Jane stood roadside like she was posing for a picture. With the sun beaming down on her white hat, yellow dress, and pale body, it was a picture to behold. Holding up a small picnic basket, Jane set it on the stone fence.

"Afternoon, Edward. I brought you and Michael some Welsh cakes and a drink. Hope you enjoy them."

"Very kind of you Jane. I'm sure we will, but not until we get these last three stumps out. If I stop beforehand, Marge thinks I'm getting old and lazy. And if I let Michael try one, he might be finished for the day."

"Fair enough."

"Say hello to your mum for me."

"I will."

Jane looked at me and gave me a strange look.

"You started packing yet."

"No. I still have a couple weeks left."

"Haven't packed yet? I assumed you'd be itching to get home to Labia?"

"Lydia. And no. I would much rather stay here with you."

"But?"

"But I have school."

"School. Not everyone goes off to some fancy college. Some are fine living a simple life."

"It isn't a fancy school, but I still need to go."

There was a longer than normal pause. Especially considering my uncle was waiting for me.

"See you tomorrow?" she asked in a questioning tone.

"I can come over tonight."

"No. I need tonight alone. I'll be waiting for you tomorrow."

As I watched her pedal away from me, all I could think about was what I'd be leaving behind. The warm sun overhead which turned to rain in the blink of an eye. The blueness of the ocean ahead of us. The green, uncut grass lining the stone roadway. The stone fence tightly following the slow curves of the property, the same way Jane's dress followed the curves of her body. Her very sexy body. The way she was. The way she acted. Tough one minute. Carefree the next. But soft and gentle at times. But the most important thing was the way she made me feel about myself.

There was no possible chance of replicating the feelings I had for her or at this very moment when I returned to the U.S.

*****

Our weekend together was another first. It was the first time since we went to the dance or parked under the darkness of the trees of her pear orchard and didn't have some sort of sex. We had our usual naked baths together. We soaked in the tub, but intercourse was never talked about. It was never offered or requested. There was plenty of naked cuddling. But sex? No. None.

The next weekend would be my last in Wales. After that, I would need to leave midweek, so I could get home with enough time to pack up and get ready for school. I hoped Jane would at the very least see me before I left, but I wasn't sure. So, I didn't wait for Jane to come to me. On Friday, as soon as I finished work, I went to her.

With a pair of barking dogs at her door, there wasn't any need to knock. She opened the old wooden door and it appeared she wasn't impressed to find me standing there in front of it.

"I thought you left."

"You know I haven't."

"Only because you're whining at my door like one of these hounds."

"No. You know exactly when I leave. The date. The time. The flight numbers. Jane, tell me why you're making this harder than it has be?"

"Because Michael, I thought you'd grown."

"Jane, you've given me the best gift ever. And I have grown from the experience."

"No, you haven't. You need to be a man."

"I've always been man enough for you, Jane. And if you took a look at yourself, you'd see you're acting like a little girl."

"You're an arrogant little twat, Michael."

"Arrogant? And you say I'm whining. Let me guess, you can't see yourself when you're being a bitch, right? You know deep down, you can be. And when you want to be, you're a huge one. "

"Leave."

"What, you can't handle it when someone tells you the truth?"

Her finger pointed to the orchard. It was her way of telling me to leave.

"Jane don't be like this. You know I want to stay with you."

"But only tonight, right, Michael. Only tonight, so you can have and take what you want from me. Or do you want to stay forever?"

"I want to spend 'tonight' together. You've already given me everything I want."

"No Michael. Tell me, tonight, or forever."

"Both, but each of us knows it can't happen."

"Leave Michael. Leave and never come back."

"Jane, please don't make it end like this. I don't know why you're so angry and I don't know what else to say to you. I...I can never thank you enough for what you did. I...it...it's the best gift anyone ever gave me. There's no way I could ever repay you..."

"Repay me? You think I want to be repaid? You arrogant little Yank. For all you know, you could have already given me the 'best gift' of my life. Michael, grow up. You're mature enough to know that the entire world doesn't just revolve around your sweet little head, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry. I just meant...it doesn't have to end like this."

"I'm fully aware of what you meant, Michael. Good night, dear boy. Safe journey back to the colonies."

As soon as my foot touched the first step of the porch, the door closed with a loud bang behind me. Jane was upset. So was I. My once great summer seemed to have blown up in my face. It wasn't how I planned on ending our night or our relationship for that matter.

*****

"We didn't expect you home so soon lad."

My aunt Marge looked at me. She knew why I was home. She was a woman and a mother. She could feel my pain and sense Jane's. She left me to myself on Friday night and all-day Saturday, but on Sunday, she gave me the "talk".

"Jane's a lovely young lady, Michael. Lovely, but a bit strange. Even so, you need to put yourself in her shoes. Imagine growing up around here, and then meeting a handsome young fellow from New York City. You come over here and sweep her off her feet, only to leave her behind when you go home."

"Aunt Marge, I never..."

"Michael, you're young. She's young. You both have so much living still to do. One day, your wounds will heal. They'll heal enough so you will be able to put all this behind you."

"I never told her I could stay."

"I know. When she reflects, she will agree that you never once told her you would stay. She just hoped you would. She dreamed it. Like I told you, she's lovely, but I promise you, she's also lonely."

"Aunt Marge, I don't want to put her in the past. I...I know I'm young, but I really do love her. She changed my life. She made me a man."

My aunt gave me a long stare. Somewhat loving. Somewhat disapproving.

"If you love her, then go to her son. Don't let it end like this. If the things you took from her, and the gifts she gave you, were manly. Then now's your chance to be a man again. Go to her. Talk with her. Show her your heart. Treat her like a lady, a friend, a lover. But even if you think it will help, don't lie to her."

"But..."

"From the heart. Talk to her and tell her what's in your heart."

Our talk didn't help. I still felt shitty about everything. I wanted to go back, but I knew it was the wrong moment to do so. So, I spent the morning frowning and thinking of what I should say to the woman I loved. It wasn't until dusk when I found enough courage to go to her.

*****

The many trips I had made over the summer showed as I walked the path cut in the ground through the same row of pear trees leading me to Jane's home. Tonight, there wasn't a dog in sight. They hid from the rainy mist falling over them. A thick mist that coated everything it touched with its chilling dampness.

I could smell the wood fireplace burning. For possibly the last time, I inhaled the burning hardwood smoke coming from the chimney of Jane's home. I knocked and waited. Knocked again and waited even longer.

My third knock wasn't needed. Jane knew I was there. I heard a chair move over the wood plank flooring. Same as I heard her turn down her stereo.

"Jane, please."

Five minutes passed. She wasn't answering, but I wasn't leaving. Not until I saw her one more time.

"Jane..."

"Michael, please just go away."

Her voice was close. She was standing inches away from me. Jane stood behind her door, protecting herself from me. The only thing stopping me from being next to her was a large piece of wood.

"No. Not until I see you again. Not until you let me see you and say goodbye."

The rusty hook and latch released from the opposite side of where I was standing. It wasn't an invitation to come in, or to even enter, but at least she had unlocked the door. Taking a chance of being filled with birdshot, I stepped into Jane's home.

Anyone who looked could easily see Jane had been crying. Dressed in her white robe, her pale skin did nothing to hide the redness of her eyes and nose. The pain on her face was very apparent. She wore the hurt like she wore her Saturday night makeup.

"Don't," Jane said as my arms tried to wrap around her.

I was undeterred. Nothing could stop me.

Relenting to my embrace, the side of her head rested on my bicep as I cradled it. Lacing my fingers through her silky hair, I held her head face to my chest. Holding her as tight as I could, I was certain she was able to hear the pounding of my heart.

"I'll come back. I promise. It's a three-year course. We're young Jane, three years is not very long. You know I love you, and you know I never wanted to hurt you in any way."

"Shhh..."

Her fingers snaked between my skin and belt as she tried to undo the leather strap. With her forehead pressed to my chest, she still refused to look me in the eyes.

"Jane, I didn't come here for sex. I came here to see you."

"Shhh..."

"No. Stop. That's not why I'm here. Let me tell you what I need to say. You've made me happier than I deserve to be. I want to tell you I'll come back next summer, or the summer after, but you know it isn't true. You know I need to work co-ops to get my degree and to earn some more money. You know I want to be with you. You know I love you and..."

"Shhh..."

Her head tilted up and she looked at me. Her face still red from crying.

It was right there in front of me. Standing in the dimly lit living room. It was the very first time I saw the real Jane. No more chameleon. Just my pure, plain, Jane. No hiding behind make-up, hairdos and clothes. So raw, so natural, so vulnerable. She was more beautiful than I could possibly imagine.

"Make love to me Michael. One last time. Please."

"Jane, not like this. I'm happy just holding you."

"One last time," she said in a whisper.

Like a humble oath, I followed Jane to her bed.

Our lovemaking was slow, loving, caring and sensual. We made love like adults who had spent an eternity together and now faced an eternity apart. Each knowing what could happen in life. How things could change, and how the possibility of never seeing one another was prevalent. But as lovers we knew what the other liked and what the other wanted. So, unselfishly, we each gave what we could, providing their lover with exactly what was needed. And when I finally came, it was like a part of me was lost forever.

Laying together in an embrace for what seemed like hours, Jane was the first to move. Climbing from the bed, she put on her robe and tied the sash tighter than needed. I knew from her movements she would soon call for an ending of our last evening together.

With no other options, I dressed and joined her by the fireplace.

Like she had hundreds of times before, Jane flipped through the old wooden stand used to hold all of her vinyl records. Pulling out an album, I watched her try to calm her shaking hands as she cleaned the waiting piece of vinyl and cue up the song. I immediately recognized the tune she wanted us to hear. It was an album she had played for me a few times. Every time she played it, Jane had told me it was 'our song'.

For a person who liked to change and be many things, Jane was not that girl today. The girl that played this song wasn't my punk girl. She wasn't dressed up with teased hair looking like Madonna. Today she was something completely different. In this very moment all her false personas were tucked away. She was no longer a chameleon. No, the girl that played this song for me was the one I loved with all my heart. She was my Plain Jane.

"Michael, you need to leave when the song finishes. No questions. Leave, and don't come back until you can stay. If we ever meet again, I'll know it was meant to be. And if we don't, you need to know in your heart I love you, and I'll always want for you to have a good life. And never worry, I'll understand why you didn't come back for Plain Jane the Chameleon."

"You're many things, but plain isn't one of them. It never has been."

The instruments started playing. The horn section blared to life. Silently, I tried to beg her for forgiveness.

"Jane, I...please let me stay with y..."

Her index finger touched my lips softly. Not to shut me up. No, it touched me lightly enough to just stop me from talking. When I was once again silent, she replaced the digit with her pouty red lips.

Usually, Jane would sing along with the soulful singer. Overpowering his smooth voice with hers. But tonight, she was silent. Tonight, her hips quietly swayed with mine as the wetness of her tears soaked through the front of my shirt. My own tears fell silently down my cheeks, and I could think of a million reasons why they did.

Holding the thing most precious in my life next to me caused me an emotional overload. I had had the best summer of my short life. I should be happy. I should be celebrating the best summer of my life, and still I shed my tears. Letting them fall at will onto the strands of my lover's dirty blond hair.

For the next five and a half minutes, our bodies melded together as one in the middle of Jane's living room. Swaying and moving as Curtis Mayfield serenaded us with his soulful, "So in love", A song from ten years ago, but a song Jane had taught me to love. A song that told a story of our love.

Sadly, the song ended, and I tried to be the man Jane needed me to be. It was a futile attempt. I willed myself to stop crying. I tried not to cry. But I couldn't. I wanted nothing more than for Jane to replay the tune, or for me to take charge and move the needle. Move it back so the song would play over and over again. A hundred times in a row. I wanted to play it until the needle wore an unplayable groove into the vinyl. But Jane had clearly told me what she wanted, and with our earlier arguments and the words we had exchanged, I was thankful she had even allowed me into her home for a final goodbye.

Heartbroken, my eyes followed her as she walked into the bedroom. A bedroom where the best times in my life had happened, with the person I loved the most. I watched helplessly as Jane pulled the creaky, old, wooden door closed behind her.

The sound of the centuries old lock catching put an end to it all. For Jane, it was over. Over and done without ever having looked back.

*****

Wednesday morning, I walked the fields for the last time. My bags had been packed since Tuesday. I was leaving everything and nothing behind. Uncle Edward apologized he couldn't make the trip to the train station. Said he was far too busy for any 'mushy goodbyes', yet he hugged me like a bear. The show of affection caused his daughters to giggle.

Both Edward and Marge had given me plenty of solid advice during my stay with them. Their words of wisdom would be kept with me forever.

Sadly, I climbed into the backseat and looked to the sea as we pulled away from the farm. I sat on the left so I could stare at the sea for as long as I could. I watched Wales best scenery pass me by, but I couldn't get Jane out of my head.

I wasn't sure I'd see her. I hoped I would, but she had been so upset with me, and even though we had made love our last night together, we were parting on what many would class as not so good terms. I had said some things to Jane I wished I hadn't, but it's easy to speak words that later you would rather no one had ever heard, especially someone who had treated you as well as Jane had treated me. A someone you had on many occasions told you loved.

For a short time, as the miles passed, I thought I had seen the last of my Jane, yet there she was. Off in the distance, in a meadow full of wildflowers, I saw the unmistakable bicycle. The one with the basket full of freshly gathered field flowers. The one with a beautiful girl, wearing a floral print dress and her white floppy hat. Both her dress and natural color hair blowing in the wind. Mandatory attire. It was a Wednesday after all.

From the backseat of my aunt's car, I waved. Jane didn't acknowledge me. There would be no return wave. Not even so much as a nod. But I watched her hand move. The sweater covered forearm of the girl refusing to say goodbye to me used it to wipe tears from both eyes.

Deep in my soul was a pain I had never felt in my life. A dagger in my heart. But the pain doubled knowing Jane hurt as badly as I did.

Looking back, I wished I could change the series of events leading up to where I was at that moment in my very young life. At one time or another in our life, we all make regrettable choices, and I had the feeling that might be my greatest failure thus far.

*****

"Shit, Mikey. Look at the pipes on you. Working on a farm has sure toughened you up. Those Petrovic boys better watch you don't kick their asses."

My sister Lizzy had the family minivan. She must have lost the coin toss and was chosen to pick me up at the airport. As shitty as I felt, it was good to be home.

"Welcome home baby brother. Miss me."

"Every single minute Lizzy. I really missed how you picked on me on nightshift at the deli."

"Come on, what's a girl to do. Younger brothers are like toys."

She grinned, tussled my hair, and got behind the wheel.

"Did you want to drive? I bet you missed it while you were away." She said 'away', like I had been locked up in prison.

"No. I actually had my own car all summer long."

"Bullshit. You're lying."

"Nope."

"Tell me about it."

On the ride I told her about everything. Everything except Jane.

"Lydia told me to say 'hi'. Says she'll try and sneak over before she goes away to school."

"I hope she doesn't."

"Happy you said so, because she didn't keep a very low profile when you were gone."

"Good for her. Maybe she learned a few things."

"Ouch."

I immediately wished I hadn't said it.

Lydia did come knocking, but I asked my mother to tell her I wasn't home. I only had two nights before I left, and I didn't need any trouble.

*****

Starting in September, I spent the next two and a half years glued to my seat in class, to the books I read, and learning what to do on working farms. No vacations, no free time, no girlfriends. Whoever said college was the best years of your life was full of shit.

It wrote Jane once a week to start. She never acknowledged my letters.

The letters slowed and turned into once a month. Then they dropped to once every three months. For every letter written, not so much as a word came back.

In November of 1987, I sent a package to my aunt and uncle. It had a few things for them and their daughters, and at wrapped box addressed to Jane with a letter attached. I asked if they would kindly, before Christmas, hand deliver it for me in my absence. I assumed they had, still I heard nothing in return. From them or Jane.

My classes included everything I could learn about farming. Agronomy & crop science being the main ones. And in my very little spare time, I took classes in whiskey making.

When I passed my final class in January of 1988, a had a degree in Animal science and a degree in agriculture. Graduation would be held closer to summer, but I didn't stick around to get my papers. They would be fine in the mail.