Playing the Part

I had a mind like a trap, and had already met enough people along the way that I could find a friend of a friend who could come on-board for about that amount. Thirty minutes later I landed the two investors he needed for his project. He was dumbstruck. After that, he took me everywhere.

I tried to remember to write my dad, but the pace of L.A. and being swept into a relationship was distracting and before I knew it there were months between each letter.

Jeff was fun in the sack. Comfortable. But he hated it when I said making love to him felt comfortable. He wanted to be exciting. I tried to tell him we didn't need to make a porn each time we had sex.

That gave him the idea.

For weeks, he hounded me about what I wanted to do most. He wanted to know if I had any fetishes, any hidden desires. I told him I didn't think I had any, but as we talked he got me remembering my past.

"Did you ever fantasize about your dad touching you?"

It was just one of a hundred questions, but when he asked it, I froze. It was like those teenage hormones came back. I remembered my dad getting an erection when we cuddled once and how he was careful not to bump me with it. And how much I wanted him to.

Jeff must have watched me breathing heavily for a while before he smiled. I could tell he was turned on, too.

He shaved his beard, and we went shopping for clothes that would look like my dad's. We'd roleplay. I could come so much easier picturing him as my father. He had me hooked. It wasn't long before I wanted to do the porn, too.

It took me a couple tries to get used to being naked in front of the camera, so we did a couple throw-away takes. Then, we got to business. When the camera went live that time, I was the daughter and Jeff was the father. As I moved my mouth on Jeff's cock, I let myself imagine my own father instead. I wanted to drink everything he could give me. I wanted to take it all. Being here, imagining it was my dad's member in my mouth, I let myself cut loose. I attacked him like I'd never done, my wetness begging me beyond any reason to take him inside me and swallow as much of him as I could.

When we were done, Jeff was spent, his eyes rolled gently back.

"My god. I had no idea you had that in you."

"Me neither." Much to my surprise I had that, and more.

We did a few scenes of other fantasies. I even did one where I pretended to be dead. Yeah, I know, it was edgy. We were just experimenting, really. It was never meant to be made public. I was just using it to explore a part of me I'd never really shone a light on.

And boy did I ever shine a light on it.

I dared not say anything to my dad about this. But I knew, even more now than I knew as a teenager in his house, that I was madly in love with him. Not just as a daughter. I wanted him. I wanted him to have the same kind of release I'd had. All those years of trying to protect me... all his love for me. God, I loved him so much.

Jeff and I stayed together for almost a year after that, but I knew we were drifting apart. At the time it broke my heart to watch. Jeff was a great guy, but I just needed more. Even if it was the death of me.

But I didn't give in. At least, not at first.

I worked. Mom and Dad were workaholics, and I was definitely no exception. I kept taking acting classes, but after a while I stopped trying out for parts and focused on the production side. After a year and a half I know the veritable "who's who" of the indie movie scene backwards and forwards, and I always knew who was looking for what.

It paid the bills.

And one point, I even hired a darling assistant with a posh British accent. Natalie. I'd never been to England, so I was never sure if she was an honest native of yonder isles or she, like most of us in Hollywood, was faking it until we made it. I loved it anyway. I would practice it over and over to myself until I'd mastered it. She always walked like someone was going to crack a whip if she wasn't perfectly straight.

Sadly, I had to let her go during a particularly bad slump before things, luckily recovered. When people would call, I still used her voice.

But work could only be the salve of an aching heart for so long. I began to yearn to see my father again. Even if that meant only having the most chaste of hugs. I couldn't deny how much I wanted to be near him.

I just didn't have the courage.

I was spurned into action after my dad stopped mailing me for months on end. I knew it could only be one of two things: 1) he'd joined Mom and no one could find my contact info or 2) he'd, sadly, seen the porno Jeff and I made. That my mind would even jump to suspecting #2 shows what kind of state I was in. Still, it seemed to fit. Dad saw it, then couldn't bring himself to talk to me.

I couldn't stand the thought of Dad seeing the videos, seeing my raw desire - the desires of his daughter! - without any way for me to talk to him about it. Knowing him, he probably was blaming himself for what happened.

He was always my rock. And his capacity for self-blame I could only imagine.

I had to see him. I had to talk to him to help put everything into perspective. I didn't think I would actually have the nerve to tell him how I felt. Honestly, the more I thought about it, the more nervous I got about even seeing him. I needed a way to do it that would put some distance between us.

The final piece went into place when I figured out how. I was just talking to myself in Natalie's posh voice saying "oh, I wouldn't mind checking in on him. Would be no trouble at all".

Of course!

I'd dress up as Natalie to see my father. It'll be a good laugh once he figures out it's me.

It took less than a day to track down the cabin he'd moved to. I went clothes shopping, trying to look as Natalie as possible, and by the next day I was on a plane to Tennessee see my father for the first time in years.

On the plane, I flipped through the camera I brought with me, and saw pictures of myself when I first got to Hollywood. I looked like such a child. The woman I saw in the mirror looked nothing like the girl who left. I'd partied. I'd enjoyed fine dining with the successes, as well as my share of ramen. It left me with a different body shape than I started with. Sure, I wasn't the same tight-bodied teenager, but I liked my body. It had curves. It felt natural, as if I'd grown into it. It was the body of a woman who built herself and was proud of who she was.

Ha! I sound so confident. Trust me when I say I nearly chickened out when I was walking up to the door of Dad's cabin. Even though I was dressed to the nines as Natalie and was ready to dive head-first in character. Even though I was dying to see him again. I just didn't know what would happen.

I'd grown so much. Would he still be the father I loved?

God, I was shattered to see him when he opened the door. He smelt like booze. He didn't recognize me, not even a little. I was so glad to have the plan to launch into Natalie's character because I think Alex the self-made production agent and all-around fun gal... well, she would have just lost it. My dad he fallen down a spiral. I could tell he was still in there and that the clutter, the bottles, the distant look in his eyes was just keeping his pain at bay.

He missed me. He needed me. I could feel it. It was all over his face.

But how could I help?

As I talked, I picked up an empty bottle and then another. Before I know it, I was gathering bag after bag of trash. I channeled that workaholic into something that might help Dad. I'd clean. I'd scrub. And maybe we could clean him up until he looked something like the man I remembered.

My father, my poor dad, offered to help. He was still very much in there. I couldn't stand the thought of him helping, though. I felt like I had been a large contributing factor to his current state. It wasn't all my fault, but helping clean was just my small recompense.

It also wasn't totally unselfish of me. I know a cleaner house, with a clearer-headed father, could help us repair our relationship.

Using Natalie as a cover was a god-send. Dad asked me about the porn, and I could tell him I wasn't a porn star. It seemed to help him fix some of the things that seemed so wrong in his world-view.

Talking to him was having an positive effect. Hearing I wasn't a porn star and having my "assistant" clean the house felt like the start of some improvements. I wanted to keep nudging him in the right direction.

Yet, I couldn't help myself. I had to tease him while I was at it.

I caught him watching me as I cleaned, and I loved it. To see my dad finally starting to let his eyes take me in, even if he didn't know it was me, thrilled me. When he wasn't looking, I undid the top button of my blouse.

He couldn't keep his eyes off me!

God, how delicious his attention. Even just that was making me tingle.

On a whim, I had picked up some new clothes for him on the way to his cabin. I figured I owed him a few Christmases.

He needed a bath to match how clean the house was getting. I popped out and got the clothes and shooed him into the bathroom to clean. He poured a bath, and I thought about him naked in the water. I wondered what he looked like. I wondered if he'd let me touch him as Natalie.

By the time he was done bathing, I'd whipped myself into a froth. Feeling my oats, I told him to sit down and that I'd shave him. I'd done this for Jeff, but I was going to have to call up every bit of skill I had to calm my nerves.

Dad went for it. He submitted to being shaved. I shaved him and boy did I give him a show. I made sure to bend over as I worked so that he could drink in my curves. He could look all he wanted.

He even got hard!

My god, how I wanted to touch him. My beautiful dad in his towel, ogling my breasts just a few inches away. It would have been so easy to have dropped a hand down to his crotch, but I resisted.

I wanted him to make the first move. Even as Natalie, I wanted to know that my dad would choose to touch me. I carefully wiped his face and offered him something a bit more - *ahem* - comfortable to change into from the stack of clothes I'd bought for him. Sure, sweatpants aren't the sexiest things in the world, but I didn't mind.

I went and made dinner. Automatically, I made spaghetti, something he and I had made countless times. I didn't realize the error of my ways until my dad came up behind me.

"You're not my daughter in disguise, are you?"

I chuckled to play it off, but I thought for sure he'd figured it out. Somehow, miraculously, he hadn't. I must've changed more than I realized. He had me calling him by his first name, which made me smile. I wanted to say that name with all the sultry whisper I could muster.

I sent him to the TV as I cleaned up. I thought carefully about my next plan, but in the end figured a slow approach was best.

Just liked I'd done thousands of times before, I curled up on the couch with my dad. He didn't wrap an arm around me. It took me a second to realize that of course he wouldn't. I wasn't his daughter. Not tonight.

I was going to have to help things along, but I still had resolved to go slowly.

I stretched my legs out on the couch, making him slide forward rather than putting them over his lap. After watching TV for a bit, I wanted more, so I reached up and gently rubbed his back. He didn't move away but, instead, he offered to rub my back! Progress! I'd take it.

I tried not to jump into his lap at him taking initiative.

Natalie would keep it under control. I did, at least at first. When he put his hands on me, I was instantly putty in them. I had no idea my dad was this good at massage! Sure, he'd rubbed and patted my back, but this was him actually giving me a good working over.

Oh my god. Yes.

If he was going to put himself into this, I was going to give right back. I tried to come up with a good Natalie-ism as I took my bra off to keep up the act, but I figured for sure my dad would know it was me now. Not because I took off the bra, of course. But he was sure to see the small birthmark on my left breast. Once he saw it, all disguise would be lost.

For sure he would notice it.

He didn't. Instead, his fingers started to tease the top of my breasts as he rubbed. God yes. Yes, please.

I leaned back into him. Just to feel his stiffness against me again. I wanted to yank those sweatpants down and swallow him. Still, I tried to stay calm. My heart was racing, which I'm sure he could feel through his hands.

He pulled away from my breasts and went back to working on my shoulders. I was glad he couldn't see the lust in my face, and how disappointed I was he didn't take a chance with me.

Dad couldn't resist, though. To my glee, I felt his hands traveling down to my breasts again, this time further than before. Without thinking I reached up and undid the next button of my blouse to give him better access. I felt him get even harder as he watched me do it.

Then, he kissed my neck.

I could have died. This man I wanted to make love to, to fuck, to cherish, to join with was aroused by me. He wanted me!

He kept kissing my neck, and each one sent a hot chill to my crotch. My panties were soaked through. My body screamed to be let free.

Slowly, painfully slowly, I watched and felt his hands move down to my blouse and unbutton it.

Oh god. Ravish me. Take me for everything I am.

A little voice in the back of my mind cried. I didn't want to do this all of a sudden. Well, I did. I absolutely did. But as Alex. Not as Natalie. Fucking my father as a character rather than myself felt like cheating. I wanted him to make love to me. To his daughter.

I got up and left. I made up some stupid excuse. I ran hard and drove even harder. I knew I'd just hurt him, but I couldn't help myself. A hundred times I wanted to turn around and run back into his arms. But I wasn't ready.

-=-=-

I left the hotel at 3am and drove. I didn't know where I was going, but it didn't matter. I just wanted to feel the wind in my hair.

The drive cleared my head. I know, more than anything, what I wanted. I wanted to see my dad's face again. Just me. As Alex.

I washed up, and drove over to his place. I used one of his keys that I'd borrowed off him while he was in the bath and let myself in. I tiptoed up the stairs and into his bedroom.

Here was dad. Shirtless and in the sweatpants I'd brought him the night before. I could smell him everywhere here.

I loved watching him sleep. He just seemed so peaceful. I took a step closer to see if he would rouse. Then another.

Soon I was looking down at my father's peaceful face. I could feel my heart ache for him. I'd met so many people in the movie business, so many brilliant, creative minds. But nothing measured up to what he was built out of.

I bent over and laid my lips on his. I just wanted to touch him, to taste him gently. As he awoke, I used a line he'd used on my countless times.

"Wake up sleeping beauty."

I sat back and let my dad take me in. He hadn't seen me in years. I might sound like his daughter, but I looked a bit different.

Seeing his confusion, I apologized for playing the prank on him yesterday. I gave him time to process what I'd said.

He started to laugh! Oh how good it felt to hear that laugh again.

Before I knew it, Dad had pulled me down to lay beside him. I buried my face in his chest, madly giggling my own contentment. Can't I just be here with him forever? There was so much we could be, so much I wanted him to know.

I laid my head against his bare chest and heard his heart beating. My own started to beat faster. To calm myself, I just opened my mouth and started telling him about everything that had happened. Some of it was what he'd heard yesterday, but this time it was all in my own words.

I told him about Natalie and using her as a character. We laughed about him groping me.

"I can't believe you let me!"

I just smiled at him. Of course I let you, Dad. I'd let you do anything you wanted.

We talked about the videos I'd made, and my cheeks burned crimson. I wasn't ashamed that I'd made them, but I could feel his deep hurt and confusion as we talked and it pained me to see it. It felt good to navigate what happened with him, to tell him about Jeff and talk about love.

Dad guessed that the reason things didn't work out was because he wasn't my age. I had to laugh! If he only knew.

I kissed him. I wanted him to know... to feel... that I wanted him, without saying it. I absolutely had nothing against older men. Quite the opposite.

It hurt to think about how Jeff had released the videos to get back at me for "betraying" him. I'd thought he was a nice guy, but you never know how people will handle heartbreak until they go through it.

As I talked, I could feel my tears welling up. Daddy pulled me closer to him, and I cried harder. I could feel myself get wet being this close to him, smelling him, and being so emotionally raw. I was beginning to feel a little drunk with the moment, and I touched his chest to feel closer to him.

I had to tell him! I know I should be patient, but that was never one of my strong suits. I was always a "pull the band-aid quickly" girl.

As I looked into his eyes, I could see that same old desire still there. I didn't know if he knew it, but I could feel it. I wanted to grab onto it and pull it to the surface. I knew - I just knew - things would be better if I could.

"I know how you feel about me," I said, trying to pull at that part of my dad that he needed to see.

He thought I meant love. Oh, I did, but not how he meant it.

I made sure he was looking at me, then nodded to his erection. Had he not noticed how much his body responded to mine? How strong our chemistry was? He was immediately deeply ashamed, but I didn't let him go. I'd seen him withdraw countless times before. He was so sensitive, so careful, so unwilling to let the world see his whole self. But I could see it, and I knew it was beautiful. I wanted the world to see his inner tapestry.

I held him and refused to let him look away. I wanted him to know I wasn't going to run or let him run. For as long as he let me, I'd be his companion.

I talked to him, trying to soothe him. "That feeling you feel right now, that you don't want to admit. I feel it, too."

I held his hands to my chest so he could feel my own heartbeat. I wanted him to feel that this wasn't the heartbeat of a daughter. This was the heartbeat of a lover.

My feelings started to pour out of me. I told him how long I'd wanted him. How I tried to fill that hole that I knew only he could fill.

My dad, of course, was still my dad. He listened, then made silly jokes at the right times to help break up the mood.

I couldn't resist his charms anymore. I kissed him again, letting his hands fall to my breasts. I wasn't trying to break him down. I just wanted to feel his lips against mine again. He didn't kiss me back with the same intensity. The lack of a response made my heart skip a beat. I checked if he was okay and then went in again. This time I felt him kiss me back.

I didn't want to force things. I still wanted him to instigate this. If I made him do it, there was a chance he would always resent it.

I curled up against him and prayed I'd have the strength to wait that long. I wasn't sure I would.

My lack of sleep did me in, much to my surprise. I don't know how long I was asleep, but when I awoke, I heard Dad lightly snoring beside me. It felt so good to wake up here beside him.

Just like I had earlier in the morning, I awoke him with a kiss. This time, the kiss was not so chaste. To my surprise, Dad met my kisses with his own. I even squealed into his mouth as I felt his hand go up under my shirt.

Once he was awake enough, his self-control took over. Why? I was right here, ready. But he wasn't ready, yet. I just held him there so he knew I wasn't going anywhere. Finally, when he was ready, he leaned back in for another kiss. I hungrily met him, careful to only go as far as he wanted to go.