Poly - Swinger - Wife

A while ago, me and my husband were invited to a Poly meet-up. We were asked to speak on being poly, swingers, and mine and my husband's relationship, specifically. We've had friends in the poly community for years, but this was the first time we'd gone to a meet-up.

When me, my husband and Randal, my main boyfriend, who has been living with us on and off for the last five years, arrived at the meet-up, there was only five other couples there, along with Greg. Greg is the one who hosts the meet-ups.

Greg is divorced, but he's been in the lifestyle for almost twenty years now. When we arrived, Greg welcomed us and thanked us for showing up. Greg told us that he was expecting at least twenty other couples to show up.

The meet-up was held at a Mexican restaurant. We had the whole restaurant to ourselves that night. The couples that arrived were everywhere between their thirties and their fifties. Greg told us that there was going to be a lot of new couples showing up that had never done swinging or poly.

As couples showed up, Greg introduced us to peope that he knew and had known for years. We also talked small talk with people who admitted to us that they were very new to the lifestyle.

Once everyone was situated, seated and had ordered some food, Me, Ray and Randal were introduced.

Ray, my husband, sat on my left and Randal sat on my right. I stood up and told everyone, "My name is Amber. On my left is Ray, my husband. And on my right is my lover, Randal." Ray and Randal both smiled and nodded.

I told everyone, "I have been in an open marriage for thirty-three years. I'm poly, meaning that I am in-love with both Ray and Randal. Yet, I also like to go out and meet new people and just have sex with them."

The looks on everyone's faces were different, yet they didn't appear to be judgemental.

I explained, "Many people in the poly community see swinging as a lower form of ehthical non-monogamy. And many people do not see, or agree, that poly and swinging can, or do, mix well. I'm here to tell you that the two can very well go hand in hand, and you can be successful in each, if you so decide."

I told everyone, "I am very much in-love with my husband, Ray, but I am also very much in-love with Randal. I am also in-love with Frank, who currently lives in California, but often comes through town and stays with us. I am also currently involved with a man named Mike, who is currently in Arizona, but lives here in Colorado from May to October."

I could see some confused or interested faces in the group. Instead of doing a monolog, I told everyone that if they had questions to just raise their hand. Immediately one woman raised her hand.

I pointed to the woman who had raised her hand and she stood up, "My name is Sarah. Me and my husband, Al, are new to all of this. We've read a lot but, in your mind, what is the difference between swinging and poly?"

I thanked Sarah for her question and told her, "I can't speak for every poly or swinger woman out there but, to me, there isn't a whole lot of difference. Sometimes I have just sex with the men I love, and other times I actually feel loved by the strangers I just have sex with."

I looked over at Greg, then I told everyone, "The first time Greg and I hooked up, it was at a house party. I was in what they called the dark room, there were no lights and it was a touch and feel kind of thing. Greg and I had sex, a couple of times. And to this day we're friends. Do I love him? Yes, I do. As a friend. We are not in-love, but we are friends . . . with benefits."

I then looked at Randal, then I told everyone, "Randal is an amazing man. Ray and I met him at the Squirel Creek Ranch, a swing club. He was actually having sex with another woman when we first saw him. The woman was in the swing, and Randal was just going at it. What got me interested was when he winked at me and motioned for me to come closer. And I did."

I explained, "When I got closer and Randal said "That's my girl," I was kind of hooked. I can't say what it was about him that attracted me, but I was attracted. When he made love to me, after this other woman, that was all it took. I wasn't sure why, but I had deep feelings for him. And that's the part that I will talk about tonight."

Another woman stood up and raised her hand. She was in her mid forties, I assumed. She and her husband looked like normal, middle America types. She said, "So, Randal had just had sex with another woman and you immediately let him have you?"

I looked at Randal, smiled and told the woman who had just asked her question, "Well, Randal was still hard, the swing was empty and available, and I was attracted to Randal. So, yes. I did let him have me."

The woman who had asked the question then asked, "But you didn't know him. And from what you've said, other than him saying that's my girl, you hadn't really even met or talked to him, and you let him have sex with you?"

I answered this woman, "You have to remember that we were at a swing club. And people go to swing clubs to have sex." I asked this woman what her name was.

The woman replied to me, "My name is Jessica."

I told Jessica that I was glad she was asking the questions she was asking.

Jessica smiled, then asked, "So, you had sex with Randal, in a sex swing, I assume. And he's been your lover ever since?"

I told Jessica, "I knew there was something about him, right off. And, yes. I did fall in-love with him, eventually."

Randal stood up, "I have to tell you that meeting Ray and Amber was a bit different for me. I'd been with numerous women before Amber, but there was something special about her. And to be honest, Ray is not the typical guy, as far as I'm concerned. A lot of couples that swing, usually the guy, the husband, is looking for sex with other women, too, but not Ray. He just wanted to watch."

Greg inerjected, "Ray is what you call compersive. He gets his joy from seeing other others happy."

Jessica's husband stood up, "My name is Carl. I have to ask Ray, and I guess, Randal, don't you ever get jealous?"

Randal looked at Ray, then said to Carl, "I have other women, too. If I can't be with Amber, for whatever reason, I have other options."

Carl then asked me, "Amber, don't you get jealous knowing that Randal is getting sex with other women?"

I smiled, "Randal is a man. So, is Greg. I have sex with both of them. I just have sex with Greg, because he's a friend, and that's what you do with friends. I'm actually in-love with Randal but, I also know that he likes variety as much as I do."

I explained, "To me, sex is just something you do with friends. And I'm in no position to tell anyone who they can and can't have sex with. I know that Randal loves me, even when he's having sex with someone else. When someone loves you, you know it. And just because Randal has sex with other women, that doesn't mean that he loves me any less."

Carl then asked Ray, "And none of this bothers you? Amber can have sex with anyone she wants, and even fall in-love with other men, and you're never jealous or fear that she will leave you for someone else?"

Ray stood up, "Carl, love is love. You can't restrict it. You can't control it. You just have to feel fortunate when you are loved. Just because Amber enjoys sex with other men doesn't mean that she loves me any less. It just means that these other men are enjoyable and fun, and that she likes being with and playing with them. In the end, she's my wife. She loves me. I love her. And, best case scenario, she feels loved, too."

Another man stood up and introduced himself as Dan, He said to Ray, "Mary and I have been in, or had, one threesome with another woman, and another time with another man. And I have to admit that when there was another woman, it was exciting and a turn on but, when there was another guy, I wasn't sure what to feel, or how to feel about what I was feeling." Then he asked, "Do you ever feel intimidated?"

Ray asked Dan what he meant by intimidated.

Dan looked down, then answered, "Well, when there was another guy, he was hung like a fucking horse. I'm not small, but compared to him, I was. And when he and Mary were going at it, I felt intimidated. He was bigger, lasted forever, and he got Mary off without her having to use a vibrator. So, what I'm asking is, how do you deal with it when the other guy makes you feel inadequate?"

Ray told Dan, "To be honest, I like that Amber has met and been with men who are a lot bigger than I am." Ray admitted to Dan, "When I am fully erect, I am only four and a quarter inches long, but I am, luckily, five and a half inches in circumference."

Ray looked at Greg, then said, "Now Greg is more than twice my length and a bit thicker than I am." Then Ray motioned to Randal, "And Randal beats both of us. He's a lot thicker than both me and Greg, and he has a bit more length, but both of them do Amber well. And she loves being with both of them."

Ray continued, "Because Amber has been with so many men, she now has a preference for larger cocked men. I can't speak for her, but I do know that she enjoys me and she enjoys other men. And, the way I see it, if another man can do for her what I can't, then cool."

I told Dan, "I admit that I do like larger cocked men, for sex, and I do like darker skinned men, and uncircumsized men, but that's just a preference. The men I hook up with don't have to be black or have huge cocks. They just have to want me. And if they are black, bigger cocked and uncircumsized, then that's a bonus."

Dan asked, "This is for you, Ray and Greg. How does it make you feel knowing that Amber prefers black men, and the fact that Randal is bigger than both of you, I mean, don't you feel intimidated by Randal?"

Greg smiled, "Randal and I have been with Amber, at the same time, many times. And I think we've made a great team. I've been in many threesomes. And I'm always grateful to just be a part of it all." Greg told Dan, "If another guy is having sex with your wife, and he's bigger than you are, and he may have skills that you don't have, just be glad that your wife is able to have that experience."

Mary stood up, "Amber, do you agree or disagree that no matter how good of a lover a man is, that doesn't change your love for the man that you're in-love with?"

I smiled and told Mary, "The best sex I ever had was with seven exceptionally well hung black men. And, no. Randal wasn't one of them. But then, when we lived on Guam, I had some really good experiences, too. And I still get with all seven of those black guys from time to time, kind of often, but being with them doesn't detract from my love for Randal or Ray. They're just really good lovers, and I really enjoy being with all of them at the same time."

Mary asked me, "So, these men gang bang you. You don't love them, or do you?"

I giggled, "I love them when they're with me, but I don't love them love them. They're awesome lovers, but they're not men I want to have relationships with."

Mary asked, "What makes you decide if a man is someone you want to be in a relationship with and one that is not?"

I looked at Greg, then I told Mary, "Greg and I are friends with benefits. He enjoys having sex with me and he's a great friend, but he's not in love with me. And vice versa. Greg doesn't want anything more than friendship and sex with me, and I feel the same way. Randal, on the other hand, fills my love tank, and he fills me in other ways, too. But there's a difference. Randal is my lover, my friend and I'm in-love with him. Greg, on the other hand, is a good friend who just happens to also be very good in bed."

Janis, a friend of ours and one of Greg's lovers, shouted out, "I'll second that!"

I introduced Janis to everyone. Janis then said, "When we first met Greg, we were new to the lifestyle, too. And Greg made me and Jeff feel comfortable. He had been in the lifestyle, he was confident, he ended up being a really good lover, and he's been a really good friend ever since."

Another woman stood up and introduced herself as Eileen, "We're new to the lifestyle, too. I know you're tonight's speaker but, I have to ask. Greg, how many women have you been with, and how many of them have been married?"

Greg answered Eileen, saying, "I don't keep track of how many women I've been with. What I can say is that I have been in the lifestyle for several years, both when I was with my wife and since, and I have had the pleasure of getting to know many wonderful people, both single women and couples."

Eileen paused, then said, "I guess this is for all of you. You have sex with multiple people, sometimes several people at a time, and I guess that's more swinging than poly. Or is it?"

Greg answered first, "The word polyamory is derived from the root words poly, meaning many, and amor, meaning love, hence the meaning many loves. So, as with a mother who has two children, or more, she loves them all, most likely, no more one than another. So, we all have others that we love. We just happen to also have other people we just have sex with. We're still poly. We just also play with others just for play reasons."

I added, "I have Ray and Randal and a few other men that I can honestly say that I am truly in-love with. Now, I also have to admit that I also really like getting with strangers, just for sex."

Jessica then asked, "So, you can be both poly and a swinger?"

I nodded my head.

Randal stepped up and commented, "I'm not monogamous, by nature. I'm not sure I could ever be completely monogamous with one woman. I truly love Amber. As a matter of fact, I'm very much in-love with her. I feel like we're soul mates. I just want and need to feel other women. It's just who I am."

Another woman raised her hand, said her name was Kelly, then asked, "If you're truly in-love with each other, then why do you need other people to have sex with?"

Ray stepped up for this one. He told Kelly, "I love Amber more than anything in the world but, I'm bi. And there are times when I need to be with a man. Amber can't fulfill all of my needs. And if you really think about it, there are times when she doesn't even have the right equipment that I need."

Dan raised his hand and I pointed to him.

Dan sighed, then asked, "How common or accepted are bi men in the swinging and poly community?"

Ray answered, "To be honest, bi men are not widely accepted. Still, even today, people see man on man sex as gay. And, unless your poly situation is with two women and a man, bisexuality isn't really accepted. A lot of people think that if you are in a situation where you're around women who are willing to have sex, why would a man want to be with another man? In my case, I like to be with men because I like to be with men."

Dan asked if he could ask another question. Ray nodded.

Dan sighed again, "Okay. So, if you're . . . I mean. So, if, when you go to swing clubs, what do you do?"

Ray smiled and chuckled a little, "Well, I prefer to watch, mostly. Yet, if I am able to hook up with a woman, I like that, too."

Dan then asked Ray, "So, you've never got with a guy at a swing club? Right?"

Ray shook his head, "Sadly, no. That really doesn't happen."

Randal interjected, "Well, it kind of does."

Randal looked at Ray, then back at Dan, "Ray was the first guy that ever sucked me. Amber asked me if I would let him. And, against my better thoughts, I let him. And to be honest, he's pretty good at it."

Dan's eyes widened, "So, have you ever sucked Ray?"

Randal shook his head, "That's not my thing. And, other than Ray, no other guy has ever sucked me. Would I suck another guy? No."

Dan lowered his head again, then looked up, "Mary wants to be with other men. I want her to be with other men. And I also think it would be nice if I could hook up with another woman, but I'm also bi. I mean, we both think we're poly, and we want to find out. But we're new to all this. And swinging isn't totally off the table for us, either. So, that's why we're here tonight. We want to learn as much as we can, meet people in the lifestyle and go from there."

Mary asked me what it was like having sex with a man who wasn't my husband.

I giggled a little then told her, "When Ray and I got married, I had sex with an older black man before I ever had sex with Ray, and it was on our wedding night."

Mary asked, "But you were married?"

I explained that Ray and I had known each other for less than a week when we got married, and we didn't have sex until after we were married, after I had already had sex with the other guy.

Mary then asked Ray, "So, I'm assuming that you and Amber don't have sex very often. And if that is the case, what is your marriage, really? I mean, aren't you more roommates than husband and wife?"

Ray looked at me, then back at Mary, "Just so you know, we do have sex, Amber and I. She prefers sex with other men but, we do have sex with each other from time to time."

I told Mary, "It's not like I don't enjoy Ray, sexually. He just prefers to watch. And I really don't mind. Luckily, we've always had an open marriage. And since Ray isn't the type to initiate sex, I'm glad I have other men who aren't afraid to."

Mary looked at Dan, then she asked, "So, if, let's say, we go to a poly thing, or a swing club, and I meet a guy and have sex with him, and I really like the sex we have, what do I say to or tell Dan?"

Greg interjected, "The one constant in poly and open relationships, or what should be a constant, is honesty. Now, if you hook up with a guy and really like the sex you're having with him, it should be obvious to anyone watching or seeing you. But, honesty and constant communication is the key to any relationship, especially in ethical non-monogamous relationships."

Mary looked a little confused. So, she asked, "Okay. So, if I meet a guy and have intense, amazing sex with him, or Dan meets someone and has incredible sex with them, we should tell each other? Like with all the details?"

Ray told Mary, "I really like hearing all the details. Even though I get to see Amber when she's with other men, I want to know what she was thinking or feeling. I want to know everything. I want to be totally in the loop."

I commented, "There are times when Ray asks too many questions, but I don't hide anything from him or Randal or any of the men in my life." I added, "There's times when I will see a guy and say to Ray, "Damn! I'd like to have him in me!" And he's okay with that. Hell, there's been times when Ray says back to me, "I'd like him to be in me, too." So, Ray knows that if I want something, I'm going to tell him. And I expect the same from him."

Mary asked me if I ever got jealous.

I told Mary, "Ray doesn't have a jealous bone in his body but, I have to admit that when it comes to him being with others, I do get jealous."

Then Mary asked, "Do you get jealous when Randal, or any of your other lovers, get with other women?"

I looked at Randal, then at Greg. Then I told Mary, "They're not married to me. They can do what they want. As far as Ray, he is my husband. And I guess that's why I get jealous."

Randal added, "Amber may not be my wife, and I don't get jealous when she has sex with other men, as long as I'm there but, when I know that she is with another guy, and I'm not there, but I know it's happening, I get a little jealous, too."

Mary then asked Ray, "So, you're compersive. Does that mean that you've never felt jealousy?"

Ray answered, telling Mary, "I have no idea what jealousy feels like, but I do know what envy feels like. I know how it feels to wish that I was built like other guys, that I wish that I had the confidence without the guilt." Ray added, "Jealousy has never been my problem. My problem is dealing with guilt."

Mary asked Ray what he felt guilty for.