Poly - Swinger - Wife

Ray sighed, tried to force a smile, and said, "I prefer men to women. I'm married to a woman and crave men. I want sex a lot more than I let on. I often want sex with Amber, but I don't tell her. I often feel I don't really deserve sex with Amber."

Ray explained, "My mother wasn't into sex and saw it as nasty. She pretty much raised me to feel guilty for wanting to have sex. She actually told me that a man wanting to have sex with a woman is bad. She told me that when a man puts his cock in a woman that he is abusing her. So, I grew up with a lot of guilt and a mother who was very good at guilt tripping."

Ray continued, "Before Amber, I mostly only had sex with guys. And then she had sex with another guy on our wedding night. What that told me was that she liked and wanted sex but, I felt that she needed sex from men who were suppose to have sex with women. I felt that the other guys could be the bad guys. By not wanting or asking Amber for sex, that made me a better person."

I intervened, "And I hate that. There's times when I want sex with Ray, but I'm not sure if he wants me or sex at all. Guilt can be worse then jealousy. Trust me."

I added, "Although I have boyfriends and lovers, I still sometimes want sex with Ray. And because of his guilt, I don't say anything. And because he doesn't ask for sex, I often feel that he doesn't want me. And it's important to me for Ray to want me and to want to have sex with me. Even if we don't have sex, it's nice to know that he wants it with me."

Mary told me, "It sounds like you have a complicated life and marriage."

I smiled and asked, "What relationship isn't complicated?"

Mary asked me if I had the opportunity to go back in time, would I change anything? Would I possibly be monogamous?

I looked at Ray, then I told Mary, "Monogamy would never have worked for us, not with Ray's guilt and him being bi and me liking and wanting sex with other men."

Mary then asked, "Do you think that poly or swinging is good for other people?"

I smiled and told Mary, "If you fall in-love with another man, you don't have to leave Dan, especially if you are both in the lifestyle, and if the other guy is in the lifestyle. What you have to watch out for is people who want to marry you or take over your marriage. You can't get involved with someone that wants you to just be with them."

Mary then turned her gaze to Greg and asked, "So, how many people in poly, or swingers, divorce? I mean, is the percentage of people in the lifestyle . . .I mean."

Greg could see that Mary was struggling to put words to her inquiry. So, he got out a notebook and read, 'Multiple studies have shown an increase in marital happiness in open marriages. In one research piece by Bergham and Strand of 1092 people - who were in swinging open marriages - showed 80 to 90 percent of the people were happier after they started to engage in the swinging lifestyle. Even 50% of those who reported were "very happy" before swinging, felt themselves to be even happier after engaging in the lifestyle. Another study by Timothy Wolf showed 76% of the open marriages as having a better than average or outstanding marriage.'

Greg gave his personal opinion, "I've been in this lifestyle a long time, maybe not as long as Amber and Ray, but a long time. And, in the time that I've been in the lifestyle, I have only known of two other couples, other than me and my ex, who divorced because of the lifestyle."

Randal told Mary, "I'm involved with two other couples. They're both married. And they both have told me that their relationship has improved since I got involved with them."

I told Mary that my marriage improved when he came into our life.

Just then, a very large woman stood up. She seemed either angry or pissed off or something. She said, "All I've heard tonight is sex, sex, sex. I thought this was a poly meet-up." This woman looked at me and said, "It seems you go to bed with anyone that has a big enough cock, especially if they're black." Then she looked at Ray, "You're a little dick fag who gets off on the fact that your wife is a complete slut." Then this woman looked at Greg and said, "And it seems that you're our resident expert because you're wife left you for some other guy, or girl."

We were all caught off guard. And the woman continued, "For nine years I was part of a poly quad. Me and my husband were handfasted to another couple. I helped raised their kids. We all loved each other. It wasn't a sexual thing. Yes, my husband had sex with the other woman, but it wasn't just a sexual thing. We were handfasted. Poly is about love and commitment, trust and honesty. When it becomes sexual, that's when it's no longer poly. It's just sex."

This woman wasn't too belligerent, so we let her continue. She added, "If you want to be a slut, then be a slut. But don't call yourself poly just because you might have feelings for a guy that fucks you. And don't think that just because a guy wants to go to bed with you that it means he cares about you. Most likely, he doesn't. And it doesn't even sound like you're really swingers, either. To me, you're just out for a good time, to get laid or get your dick wet. And that's not the way it's supposed to be."

Greg asked this woman if she was still part of a quad. She told him, "No. My husband started seeing his ex-girlfriend, and having sex with her, behind my back and secretly. The other wife was secretly having sex with another couple without telling any of us. And my other husband was secretly having sex with my best friend. It turned out that I was the only poly person in our quad. Everyone else was just out for sex."

Greg told this woman, "It sounds to me that what may have broke up your quad was dishonesty, not sex."

The woman retorted, "My husband wasn't just seeing his ex. He was also sleeping with my best friend. My other husband wasn't just sleeping with my best friend. He was also getting with the wife of the man that his wife was fucking. We also had another couple that were close friends. And the wife of the other couple, I found out, was also sleeping with my tertiary. Her husband was a lot like Ray. He had a little dick, too. I tried to get him to sleep with me, and it almost happened, but he couldn't get hard."

I asked this woman, "Had your husband told you that he wanted to include his ex in your quad, would that have made a difference?"

The woman stated, "I hated his ex. I still do. She's this little thing. She struts around in her tight little outfits. He says that he loves that she is so flexible. My tertiary had to have sex with my best friend and our other friend. No. I wish I never knew."

Randal put in his two cents, "It sounds to me that there was a breakdown in honesty and communication, as well as feelings of betrayal. It doesn't sound to me that sex was the real issue."

I told this woman, "Ray knows about all my boyfriends. All my boyfriends know that I have sex with other men. Ray is usually there when I have sex with whomever. And when Ray has sex with someone else, I know about it. That's what being in an open marriage is all about, trust, honesty, communication and not keeping secrets. And it seems that none of that was followed in your case."

This woman replied to me, loudly, "You think?"

Ray joined in saying, "You mentioned that you tried to get the one guy to have sex with you, but he couldn't get hard. So, it appears that you wanted sex, too."

The woman sighed, then said, "Of course I wanted sex. Everyone else was having it. My husband had his little sex fiend, my husband and my tertiary were both doing my friend, the other wife was getting her thrills. And where was I? Alone. We were supposed to be poly, in-love, and that wasn't there."

I told this woman, "Here's the thing. I love Ray. He's my husband. And I love Randal. He's not only an incredible lover, he's also one of my best friends. My other boyfriend, Scott, is also a really great lover and a great friend. And I am in-love with him, too. Mike is my wild man. He's kinky. He loves to get me gang banged. And I love him for that. Yes. I have sex with a lot of men, but I love them all. I may not be in-love with every man I have sex with, but I love them on some level because they make me feel loved. And I think that's what you're wanting."

The woman started crying and said to me, "You probably have sex with more men in one day than I have in my entire life. It's not fair. And they probably love you, at least Ray and Randal and Scott and Mike do. And you've even had Greg. I give and I give and I give, but probably not like you do. You're a slut. And you're proud of it. I got into poly for love, and I got nothing but pain. You spread your legs and you get men that all they want to do is pleasure you. I don't think I'm asking a lot."

I told her, "When I get with a man, I'm not looking for love. If it happens, great. I don't consider myself a slut. I prefer slutty wench. I get men because I make myself available. Men get sex with me because they make their wants known to me. It's all about putting yourself out there without expectations and being happy when things happen."

The woman responded, "I'm not sure I want as much sex as you get, but feeling loved is important to me. And I haven't felt loved in a very long time."

Mary asked me, "Do you feel loved when you get gang banged?"

I told Mary, "I feel loved anytime I have sex. I even feel loved when a man lets me go down on him."

I finally asked the woman from the quad, who was hurt and angry, what her name was. She told me her name was Tamsen.

Then Tamsen asked me, "So, you even feel loved when a stranger just wants to fuck you?"

I told Tamsen, "I don't think guys just want to fuck me. They want to be in me. They want to cum inside of me, to become a part of me. That's what makes me feel loved. I don't compartmentalize. Sex involves love and love involves sex. To me, they're intertwined. The way I see it is that you can't help but feel some love for a man who wants to pleasure you."

I further explained, "Swingers often try to compartmentalize. Poly people look to have love in their relationships. I combine the two. I'm always open to sex, with most guys, because I know I'm going to feel loved by them. My love languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. And sex fulfills both of those for me."

Then Tamsen asked Ray, "How do you feel loved by Amber when she's got some other guy's cock in her?"

Ray told Tamsen, "I love Amber. I love seeing her happy. And there's a lot of guys out there that have made her really happy. I prefer thinner women with smaller breasts, as Amber says, "You like boys with tits." And Amber prefers to be with men who are tall, dark and handsome. I love seeing Amber happy. And when she has sex with other men, and they make her happy, that makes me happy. And she knows that I love seeing her with other men. So, she shows me that she loves me by having sex with other men."

Tamsen thought for a moment, then asked Ray, "So, you like men, or skinny women, but you prefer to watch Amber have sex with other men?"

Ray told Tamsen, "I've tried to be with other women, but it's never worked out. And, luckily, I have a boyfriend, or I'd mostly have to go without. And I really respect men that get with Amber. They have the right tool for the job, they have stamina, and I love seeing them naked."

"So," Tamsen said, "You feel loved by Amber because she lets you see her with naked men that turn you on."

Ray answered Tamsen, "I'll admit that there is something special about seeing her suck another guy's cock. And I do love seeing another guy's cocks sliding in and out of her. I love watching. So, both Amber and the guys make me feel special, even though all I'm doing is watching."

Tamsen interjected, "But you're compersive."

Ray nodded, "Yes. I am. But seeing how happy the guys are when they're with Amber is awesome. And when they make her cum, that's the cherry on top. I have always lived by the phrase "The gifts we give to others are the gifts we give ourselves, because the joy you receive in giving is the ultimate reward."

Tamsen then asked me, "I know you feel loved when you have sex with other men but, since you and Ray rarely have sex, how does he make you feel loved by him?"

I looked at Ray and smiled. Then I told Tamsen, "I feel loved by Ray because he doesn't say no to me. I don't think he even knows how. I feel loved by Ray everytime I'm with another guy, especially a black guy. Ray doesn't have to let me be with other guys, or let them be with me. He does so because he loves me."

I added, "If I didn't feel loved by Ray, I wouldn't have stayed with him for all these years."

Greg told everyone that if there were no more questions that we should all pay our bills. And he invited everyone to go to a karaoke bar.

While, and after, everyone paid their checks, Tamsen asked for my number and asked if we could talk again. I said yes. Dan talked to Ray, and he and Ray exchanged numbers. And a bunch of us went to the karaoke bar.

We didn't expect things to go the way they did, but that's how things go. I was happy that me, Ray, Randal and Greg were able to share our experience with others. And we actually made some new friends.

A lot of people get hung up on labels, or preconceived notions. You can't do that. Just because a married woman has sex with a lot of other men, that doesn't make her a bad person. And it doesn't make a man bad if he wants sex.

I'm poly because I am in-love with more than one man. I'm a swinger because I like having sex for the sake of having sex. And I am a wife because I am married to a man who truly wants the best for me.

Each of us are unique and special in our own ways. And that's what makes life interesting and worth living.