Portrait of a Mother Actress

I press the audio-record button and I'm impressed by how relaxed Ayelet is this morning, given the topic of conversation. We're in my office and she gets comfortable in the seat. It's our first time meeting. Ayelet shakes off any remaining jitters and puts on a game face.

Her beauty is magnificent. Lime green eyes with thick, wavy black hair. She has a face built for a movie screen and a personality to match. Sitting across from her feels like playing with a baby jaguar, it can be adorable, but the claws are always dangerous.

"We'll start with the basics," I say. "Everything recorded in this room will be transcribed, then the original audio will be destroyed. No names will ever be reported."

She smiles, "Of course. And I'll ruin your life if my name gets associated with this. Just so you know."

"I believe that."

"Do you enjoy having this power to probe my thoughts? You seem like it."

It's the first time a subject has ever attempted to turn the tables. She keeps smiling, which is her way of exerting control.

"I'm interested in what you have to say."

She shrugs. "This is a one-time deal. Make the most of it."

"Where are you from?" I ask. "How old are you?"

"I turned 47 last week. I'm originally from Tel Aviv, Israel. Currently I reside in Beverly Hills."

"Your occupation?"

Ayelet's eyes sparkle and she winks. "I'm a performer. Actress. Pretty much my whole adult life. I've done this and that."

She understates her fame because everyone knows who she is. Ayelet is an international movie star. She's had critically acclaimed roles, but mostly she's famous for playing a superhero over a decade ago. She's still in great shape and she's still a role model to women and girls everywhere.

These days she focuses on dramatic parts for streaming services. The last streaming film she did was number one in the world.

In case you're wondering what I do, I talk to interesting people, then I reveal their secrets to the public -- anonymously -- on my podcast or books. Celebrities, politicians, business people, or the average person walking down the street. If the story is good, I'm there.

"Tell me about your son," I say. "Michael is his name. Let's start there."

"Right to the point."

"Exactly. It's a provocative topic and I want to delve into it while you're energetic."

"While the caffeine is still flowing in my veins," she says.

"Yes, exactly."

Ayelet gives a dramatic pause. "It started, maybe, 8 months ago. Maybe 9 months ago. Actually, let me start with my ex-husband. The story starts there. My ex-husband was once a brilliant artist who couldn't stop the partying lifestyle."

"If I recall from the tabloids, both of you did drugs together."

"That's only partially true. I did dabble in drugs, which I regret. My ex-husband is a persuasive man. There's a side of him that I'll always love, his artistic, caring side. I did drugs with him, we've had threesomes. Nothing I'm proud of. I've always figured that he'd grow out of these habits. Instead they became worse as he got older. I don't know, it was his way of coping with inner demons. I forced him into rehab. I made him change his life. He's always resented me for that. In the end, it just couldn't work between us anymore. I had to end the marriage.

She continues, "Anyway, being around him felt toxic. He became a negative force. My fame and money were fuel for his addiction. He also blamed me for a lot of these problems. So I ended it. I ended it. I called it quits and we split up. Would you like to hear about my son, now?"

"Please, I'm fascinated by how a woman like you could be in this situation."

There's a lingering tension in the room as Ayelet gathers her thoughts. For the story she has, she can take all the time in the world.

"My son is my only child," she says. "Michael was 19 at the time of the divorce. He's 23 right now. He's always been a good kid. The best. Smart, loving, loyal, sometimes hilarious. He's the light of my life. Here's something I've never told anyone; despite my religious upbringing, I've never believed in God until I had my son. The connection is that deep."

"Those are strong words," I say. "I've never heard a woman say that before, about God and motherhood."

"It's true. Those are my feelings. He was an angel until the divorce happened, then he changed. He started acting different. His mood would shift at random moments and he'd have angry outbursts. It hurts to think about.

She continues, "I have this maid, she's the best. About 9 months ago, she found traces of drugs in my son's bedroom. Dust traces of cocaine on the desk and the faint aroma of marijuana in the drawer. It explained the behavior. There was no physical proof because it had already been removed. But the traces of dust is all the proof my maid needed."

"Your maid sounds quite capable."

Ayelet nods. "Yes, I'm very lucky to have her. Anyway, I confronted my son and he denied everything. I should also mention that he had a DUI arrest several months prior. He's part of the LA party scene. He's a socialite and hangs out with other young socialites. He's big on social media. It's an alluring lifestyle, I know. Drugs and alcohol abuse are rampant, sadly."

"Have you tried getting Michael to rehab, just like your ex-husband?"

"Yes, I've tried, and I was partially successful. But there are limits with him. If I push too hard, he'll run off and live with his father. It's a delicate balance that I have to pull."

"That makes sense," I reply.

"Right, so you can see my dilemma. Sadly it's a common thing for rich kids with celebrity parents. The parents are busy, lots of traveling, and the kids have tons of money and they like partying. I'm certain my ex-husband has addiction in his genes and I wonder if that's been passed down to my son."

"Makes sense."

"I confronted Michael after dinner and we had a big fight. I mean, epic disaster. Did I mention the film shoot dilemma?"

"No, you didn't mention that," I reply.

"When the drugs were found in Michael's room, I was getting ready for a 3 month film shoot in Europe, and with travel restrictions, I couldn't come back home. I had to stay in Europe non-stop. Now you can see my problem. The relationship with my son was blowing up and I was preparing to leave. The contracts were signed for the movie and hundreds of cast and crew members were depending on me."

"So you found a solution. A remedy to the situation that allowed you to travel in peace."

Ayelet smiles. "My dear, sweet Ms. Conway overheard the argument I had with Michael in the dining room. Ms. Conway is devoted to me, and I mean truly, madly devoted. She'd do anything for me. I rely on her for many things. I never thought I'd need her for parenting advice, but that's how it happened."

There's a pause and I see the actress in a state of deep reflection. It's a far cry from the defiant personality she displayed when we first met an hour ago. Now her vulnerabilities are coming through.

"Would you like to tell me what happened next?" I ask, being delicate about things.

"In the morning I had breakfast alone. Michael had already left to be with friends. After I finish eating, Ms. Conway comes to me with a dossier she compiled. I mean, it looked like something a spy would make. She handed me a laptop with all sorts of files on it."

Ayelet stops to giggle, putting her head down and putting her hands on her face.

She continues, "There were screenshots of Michael's social media pages, things he liked to do, pictures of his friends, girls he flirted with. There were more pictures of the girls Michael partied with. I assumed he was hooking up with them. This little dossier took a strange turn with screenshots of statistics and articles."

There's yet another shift in the feeling of our conversation. Ayelet remains introspective as she digs deep to reveal this information.

She continues, "Ms. Conway prepared statistics regarding incest, you know, how common it is, things with mothers and sons. Scientific and historical articles, nothing like porn. It was meant to educate me on how different cultures have used these practices throughout history."

"How did you feel seeing that?" I ask.

"I laughed at first. It caught me off guard, so I laughed. It's something Ms. Conway would do. She has awkward social manners. I mean, the woman is like a machine. Very astute, detail oriented, but she lacks that human touch. Ms. Conway is a blunt instrument. That's what makes her charming, to be honest. I love her.

She continues, "When I asked what the dossier was about, Ms. Conway was extremely clear and straightforward. She wanted me to fill the void in my son's life -- sexually speaking. Would you like a brief impression? I remember her words, close to verbatim."

"Of course I'd be interested in a free acting performance," I reply.

Ayelet clears her throat, changes the pitch of her voice. "Mr. Conway said to me, 'The peak of a young man's desire is a celebrity. Oftentimes it's older women -- mothers. Women with status. Look at the stats I've provided. If you made yourself available to Michael's needs, it would be the perfect incentive for him to live a straight life. Think about it. You are more valuable than his friends and lovers.'"

"I'd like to meet Ms. Conway someday. She seems intriguing."

"You have no idea. She's a rare creature."

"Seems like it, but she's a conversation for another day. For now, I'd like to know, how did you feel about her statement?"

"Amused at first," she replies. "When I realized she was serious, I was upset. I was offended and angry. I wanted to curse at her, but I didn't. She could tell I was in a mood, so she gave me space. She always knows when to give me space. I like that about her.

She continues, "Like I mentioned, in a couple days I was scheduled for a long trip to Europe while my relationship with Michael was collapsing. I thought the worst. Mothers tend to do that. If I was gone, Michael could go back to his father who doesn't give a shit about drug use. I worried Michael would overdose and kill himself by accident. Horrible thoughts. I considered pulling out of the movie at the last minute, which at my age could derail my career. I'm getting older and the last thing I want is being called unreliable.

She continues, "All things considered, I started thinking about Ms. Conway's insane idea. That stupid, psychotic, horrible idea. The more the clock ticked, the less crazy the idea seemed. Deep down, the idea made sense. Young men need sex. Believe me, actresses are fully aware of the dynamics of sex appeal. The young male market is a driving force in the movie business.

She continues, "Later that same day, I went to Ms. Conway for an inquiry about how this would work and I examined her brain. Sure enough, she already made preparations. She knows me better than anyone. She'd already ordered new sets of lingerie and undergarments for me to wear."

"That must have been amusing," I note.

"Amusing but also scary by how well she knows me. But that's why I keep her around -- for moments like these, and because I enjoy her company around the house. Anyway, the express delivery came the next morning. Can I show you something?"

"Please."

Ayelet gets her purse on the table and opens it. She pulls out small panties which are black and sheer. When she spreads it, I can see that it's crotchless, a slit opening where the vagina would be bare.

She holds it like a television model, making a playful face because of how humorous this is. For me, it's an intriguing visual. This famous actress who's known for playing a superhero is displaying a provocative undergarment.

When she's finished she folds it and puts it back in her purse. She gets comfortable in the seat and we continue the conversation.

"There," she says with a smile, leaning back as if she's proved something. "That's a glimpse into my new life."

"You wear that for Michael, I'm assuming."

"Sometimes, yes."

"Tell me about that. How did the first time happen?"

She lingers a moment, looking down at her heels. "My flight to Europe was scheduled in two days, so time was of the essence. Ms. Conway suggested that I just go for it. That I approach this like an acting role and thrust myself in the spotlight. Like an audition. Push away the nerves and focus on convincing the casting director."

"Was it that simple?"

"God no. Not at all. Not even close. Acting is performance in a controlled space with a script and director for guidance. Acting also has willing participants. This is something else. This is my personal life, the relationship with my son. Everything is on the line. If I make a mistake in acting, or if I'm unhappy with my performance, we shoot again. In real life, it's more complex."

"Then how did you finally make the offer?" I ask.

"It started with a glass of wine. I know, that's ironic because I'm trying to help my son with addiction problems. But I needed to loosen my nerves. It was like meditation where I focused on a single thought. So in my bedroom, I got naked and wore those panties along with a sheer bra. I put a thin sundress over that and went to Michael's room when he came home in the afternoon.

She took a deep breath and continued, "My message to Michael was; 'You're a young, handsome man. I know you've turned to drugs and alcohol to ease the pain of your parents splitting up. It's a common solution, but there are serious consequences. I also know you've turned to women and sex to fill a void. There are lots of beautiful young women in the Hollywood party scene. Wouldn't you rather have a famous actress? Someone experienced in the art of sex? Someone like me? I could be the main woman in your life if you play by certain rules.' That was it. That's the message I told him, verbatim."

"How did he react?" I ask.

"Shocked. Stunned. Embarrassed that I was dressed like that. He didn't believe it until I pulled the sundress off. My clit was exposed from the crotchless panties, but his eyes were fixated on my nipples. I have large nipples, brown ones. Those certainly got his attention."

"Did he agree to the terms right away? Or was there resistance?"

"It wasn't that simple," Ayelet replies. "I stood there awkwardly for a few minutes as we talked. I've done risque scenes before in movies, so I had some experience, but never nude scenes. Never anything in front of my son. I used the discipline I have as an actress to keep my hands down and my face straight to project confidence in my body and voice.

She continues, "Michael worried that I was overreacting and that I would regret this. He worried that I'd change my mind. Frankly, I appreciated the gesture. It showed that Michael was still a good boy at heart -- a mother's boy who still cared about my feelings."

"I have to interject for a moment. Would you have been angry at Michael if he jumped all over you? I can imagine how demeaning that would be to a mother."

"You're right," she replies. "It's a fair point. I considered it. If he jumped on me and fucked me, I would have been upset. If he pushed me to the ground and made me suck his dick, yeah I'd be upset. I'd be furious. But you know what? That's the decision I made. A sacrifice. I was prepared for him to act that way. As long as he kept his end of the deal and stayed away from drugs, I could live with my anger."

"Sounds like he took a different approach."

"God blessed me with an angel," she replies with a smile. "My son was going through a difficult time. Nothing was his fault. The problem was me and my ex-husband. Michael has a big heart who loves with all of his might. When he's happy, he's the happiest person in the world. When things get dark, it gets very dark. As a mother, I had to pull him back into the light."

"How did he agree to the terms? What was that process like?"

"Lots of talking, lots of hesitation, lots of emotions. Michael was perplexed by what he was seeing, obviously. I've always been a wholesome mother, never swore or cursed. Now he was seeing me scantily clad, offering my body. I repeated the terms of the deal, that if he goes straight, I'd be his woman. What that meant exactly was open to interpretation. He could have whatever he wanted. I didn't care. As long as he stayed away from the wrong crowd."

"Sex was part of the answer," I say.

She nods. "Sex was part of it."

"Did he agree to all the terms?"

"Basically, yes," she says. "Michael was ready to give up his playboy lifestyle the moment he realized my commitment. I mean, for fuck's sake, a cunt is the most personal gift a mother could ever give to a son. He felt bad for me. He knew how much sorrow was in my heart, if I was willing to stoop to that level of depravity. He agreed to return to rehab and stay away from drugs. In exchange, I would fulfill my end of the bargain."

"Did you think he would remain faithful to the deal?"

"Yes, based on the look in his eyes. Years ago he jokingly called me a 'Jewish Goddess' when I modeled a dress I'd be wearing for an award ceremony. So I knew my body had an effect on him. Plus I noticed that his dick was hard looking at my nipples and clit. It was like he won the lottery."

"How soon was the first sex act?" I ask.

"Right then and there. After the conversation. My trip was coming up and I needed the peace of mind to know that my son would be alright. So I did it with little hesitation. I know my son better than anyone. I know when he'll keep his promise."

"May I ask, what was the first sex act? You don't have to answer, but I'd like to know."

She gives a half-hearted shrug. "Sure, I can share that. I stood right in front of him. He apologized for everything, the drugs, the arguments, the yelling. Both of us were on the verge of tears. Then I got down on my knees. I exposed him. I gave a blowjob. A good one."

"I get the impression that it's more complex than it sounds."

"Well, yeah, okay it was tricky. I mean, I've had my fair share of men. Hey, it's Hollywood, and I have options. This is a different game. There's something icky about doing this with my son. Obviously. I'm sure you understand what I'm saying."

I nod. "Sure, I can imagine what you went through. How did you overcome those feelings? Or have you? Do you still feel that conflict? Shame?"

"The approach I took was the same as acting. It took a few minutes to get over the worst part. It's all about mindset. You know how doctors can touch a woman's breast, play with a man's balls, or stick a finger in a guy's butt, then pull the gloves off and go have coffee? It gets to a point where it becomes casual. It's business. Not personal. It's for a specific reason. That's the mindset I adopted right away and it worked for me."

"Can you tell me more about the first blowjob?"

"Best he ever had in his life," Ayelet giggles. "His whole body turned stiff and his eyes were glazed over when I looked up at him. He made funny breathing sounds, too. I already knew that would be the case. Those socialite girls that he hooks up with, they're amateurs. I'm a pro. I've learned from the best. So yeah, Michael got the best blowjob of his life -- from his own mother.

She continues, "Regardless, it was a real mind-fuck to do that with my son. Something a mother should never feel, yet it was so natural. It was like deja vu. I swallowed his cum and it felt like our connection was restored. It was a spiritual connection. It's almost impossible to explain and someday I'll find the right words. But yeah, I swallowed and a remnant of his cum was dangling from my chin. I looked at him, to his eyes, and I knew that everything changed between us."

"From the sound of the story, the deal worked. Your son abides by the terms of the agreement, I'm assuming."