Preludes Ch. 13: Flipped Pt. 02

The thought made her flinch and she pulled her hand back from Kevin's. Thinking about all the boys she'd hooked up with (just the past week alone her actions had been staggering) made her feel a new sense of guilt about Kevin. She felt the same uncomfortable shame that she'd often felt over the years when she'd catch him looking at her from across the room at a party. The longing and the hurt. She could barely look him in the eye when she thought of these things.

But it was all kind of moot at this point. For the next several hours at least, she'd be stuck to his hip as they drifted through the prom evening and whatever came after. Her fingertips tingled as the swarm of faces from her past that would likely be greeting her at Taylor Reed flashed through her brain. She thought back to how she'd tried to convince herself that the night would be a break from the haunting stress of her life. But as her stomach fluttered nervously, all she saw ahead of her now was the potential for trouble, amplified by the confusing truth that such a possibility actually made her stir.

She bit down on her lip and snapped away the thoughts with a rush of conjured up anger. No! The very idea that she might fall into some old habits with some old acquaintances was so inappropriate that it almost caused her to gag. She'd been out of control for months and the last few weeks especially had been an exercise in complete lack of self-respect. Each mindless hookup was beginning to provide a weaker dose of good feeling and power than the one before it. The drug was losing its potency. And the painful aftermath was only becoming more all-consuming.

There was no reason why she couldn't be "good" for a mere 24 hours while a dear friend of hers treated her to a fun night of nostalgia and escape. While Kevin was far from her boyfriend, and she certainly hoped that he hadn't attached any expectations to their arrangement, that didn't mean that she could allow herself to be put in any compromising situations where she might not be able to stay in control. It wasn't fair to him. And it wasn't fair to her, either.

But as Kevin's car glided smoothly down familiar roads, Rachel again felt her stomach tighten. She was a wreck inside and walking into such an emotionally charged situation like she was about to made her senses sting with fear. The events of the spring, and on a more immediate level, the powerful memories that had soaked through her brain all day, had left her feeling vulnerable and unsure.

On the outside, she was pristine. Her makeup was perfect, every hair was in place, and the snug contour of her dress hugged each alluring curve of her body like a glove. A diminutive white-gold heart pendant hung from her neck and lay sparkling just inches from her deep and pushed up cleavage. Her skin was slightly paler than usual, but the creamy tone actually played off the fiery starkness of her red outfit exceptionally well. Her shoulders were toned and uncovered and the delicate curve of her neck sloped gracefully upward.

But inside, the picture was so different. She felt hollow, like a husk. Like a beautiful, flowering tree that had rotted from within without the slightest visible trace. Her petals were soft and plentiful, but her roots decayed and life-force drained. After a windy storm, people might walk by and shake their heads in disbelief that such a vibrant piece of life could now be toppled over and crushed into a dull heap. They'd shrug their shoulders and walk away as they commented on how the wind hadn't even been that strong. But they'd never seen the storm that had brought her down. The storm that swirled inside her.

A bump in the rode shook her and Rachel looked up and glanced idly out of the window. They were on the road that led to Taylor Reed Academy and the tingles of nostalgia began to percolate more forcefully as the closeness of their arrival loomed larger. The faces of her past again popped up in her mind and Rachel focused to push them away. She didn't want to make the moment more meaningful that it already was. The more she got worked up and allowed herself to get lost in the feelings, the harder it would be to keep her focus on where it needed to be.

However, there were only so many avenues that her thoughts could go to. And few of them were safe. As she pushed away the images of her past, fresher faces and moments popped up in their places.

She saw herself in Shane's truck that night, staring at the ceiling with vacant eyes as she prepared to repay him for their date in a way that he certainly hadn't deserved. She saw Ryan and Drew arguing in the bathroom as they tried to determine who would get to take her into the stall first. There was Trevor and his "birthday present", Zachary's indecent proposal to take care of her lab reports, and the intoxicating undertones of Greg's dad's office (as well as the exciting fantasy of Greg's dad himself).

Her thoughts drifted to Austin and the brief fling they'd had mainly involving the hidden room in the gym. In strange way, she kind of missed him and she'd actually enjoyed almost everything they'd done. But her memories of their fun were painfully tainted by the image of Michelle's suspicious and hurt-filled eyes from that day in the parking lot. She'd known what was going on and she'd never looked at Rachel the same way since.

And then, as always, there were the elephants in the room of her mind: Brad. And Matt. And Rebecca.

With Matt, she'd long since tried to make sense of what was happening between them. It made her feel simultaneously high and impossibly low. The highs were fleeting and unnatural and the lows painful and ugly, but she simply had yet to figure out a way to quit the habit.

Brad wasn't exactly a stressor in her life anymore either. She barely interacted with him, the exciting moment when he'd unwittingly walked in on her giving one (or more accurately, two) of his friends some casual head in the school bathroom being about the extent of the meaningful encounters they'd shared since they'd had sex.

She could still vividly recall his startled expression by the vending machines when he'd figured out that it had been her kneeling in the next stall. It had been a powerful moment for Rachel, and it had truly transformed how she'd thought of him afterwards. The regret and pain had morphed only into exciting wrongness and the arousing images of fucking him had fueled any number of her fantasies while touching herself in the shower or under the warm covers of her bed.

But the thoughts and emotions surrounding Rebecca only ever aligned in one deeply painful direction. Rachel ached for her in a way that she had never experienced with anyone else. No boyfriend breaking up with her or friend moving away had ever left the gaping hole in her heart and caused the physical withdrawal that Rebecca's loss had. It was like Rebecca had pulled something out of her soul and opened a wound that simply could not close until she got it back. And while the level of her pain ebbed and flowed with varying days, it never, ever went away.

She'd filled that void as best she could with the boys she was rotating herself among. The five or ten minutes at a time that she'd find herself on her knees hearing only the sounds of pleasure and gratitude were when she truly soared above the darkness. But she knew she couldn't outrun it forever and she often found herself trembling with fear when she'd allow her thoughts to drift to what might happen on that day that she could no longer keep her feelings buried.

Despite the often overwhelming nature of it all, she'd actually cultivated a strong, sturdy wall between herself and the emotions that scared her the most. But sometimes when she saw Rebecca's face she could feel the breaks forming. Tiny and subtle, like the tickling spread of a spider web crack on a windshield. But present nonetheless. She knew how much pain and suffering she was banking in her heart and it pulled the air out of her lungs when she lingered on the thought too long. Because she knew that if and when the dam finally broke, it might just break her, too.

"We're here!"

The sudden stop of the car and Kevin's cheerful announcement shook Rachel from her thoughts and caused a startled breath to escape her lips. She'd been lost, truly lost, and she'd barely registered the final minutes of the drive.

Her eyes widened as she turned to look out of her window and assess the scene around her. Nervous energy swirled through her stomach and she bit down on her lip to stem the tide of tingling emotion coming to the surface of her pores. Familiarity crashed over her as her brain processed the buildings and recognizable campus of the school she'd called home for seven years.

Taylor Reed.

She was back.

The past year suddenly felt both long and unnaturally short as her eyes passed over the scenery outside of the car. She saw the field hockey field that she'd spent hundreds of hours sweating on and the recognizable black and gold lettering on the scoreboard that she'd smile at before every game. It seemed like a different lifetime ago that she'd been part of this world, but in a strange, buzzing instant, it was as if she'd never left.

"You ready? We got a few minutes or... You know, whatever you want."

Rachel finally snapped free of her nostalgia and turned to face Kevin with a friendly grin. She studied his warm face and eyes that were touched with a splash of nervous energy. She'd watched him struggle earlier to keep his eyes on the road and away from her chest and she could see the same focused restraint now. Deepening her grin, she nodded and answered his question.

"No, we can go in. No sense in just sitting and..."

She trailed off as her eyes flicked out beyond the windshield and picked up on some movement in the background. It was another couple arriving and Rachel felt the hair stand up on her neck as her brain matched their images with names. They weren't even anyone meaningful to her, just a pair of ex-classmates. But her reaction to seeing faces of her past made her feel on edge again. She suddenly wasn't sure if she could do it. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe the whole thing was just-.

Her gaze darted back to Kevin and she felt her stomach twist as she again took in his excitement. He was obviously so jazzed up to be taking her as his date and any hesitation on her part would only serve to dampen his spirits. Throwing in the towel was out of the question. She'd have to just find a way to drown out the noise and make it all work.

Wiping the momentary alarm from her face, Rachel nodded again and put her hand on the door handle. Kevin smiled back and pushed open his own door as he prepared to step out. Rachel watched as he tucked a flask into the pocket of his tux and she grinned. She ducked her head out and had been about put her feet down when she froze and sucked in a nervous breath. A thought popped into her head and she reversed course and slid back into her seat.

Kevin noticed her about-face and ducked back in with a questioning glance. But Rachel only put up a reassuring hand and shook her head.

"Sorry. Hold up real quick. My, um-. My mom called and left a voicemail. I just want to make sure it's nothing important."

She smiled again and indicated that he didn't need to get back in the car.

"Just give me one second."

As Kevin smiled and took a subtle swig from his flask, Rachel reached into her purse and pulled out her phone. She took a deep breath and brought up her voicemail screen and located her old, saved messages. With a trembling finger, she pressed a button and brought the phone to her ear.

A familiar voice greeted her and Rachel felt her stomach reflexively flutter and twist. She'd lied to Kevin. Her mom hadn't called and it wasn't any message from her that she was listening to now.

It was the message that she'd listened to constantly in the aftermath of her big fight with Rebecca, and still played back some nights right before she forced herself to fall asleep. It was stupid and silly, and in any other context, it would've been deleted and forgotten long ago.

But Rachel couldn't bring herself to discard it and she'd listened to it every single day for the past two months. As Rebecca's shrill, laughing voice rambled on through the speaker, she closed her eyes and tried to picture her friend in happier days. Sometimes, when she focused hard enough, she could still feel the warmth of Rebecca's smile. She missed that warmth. And the thought that she would likely never again feel it directed her way made her want to cry.

Tears began to tickle behind her eyes and Rachel finally pulled the phone away from her ear. The message had ended several seconds earlier but she'd been unable to move. Not wanting to lose control at such an awful time, she dabbed gently at the corner of her eye and pulled a deep breath in through her nose. Her fingers shook and she clenched her firsts shut. No, Rachel. Not now.

The feeling finally subsided and she leaned forward to reach for the duffle bag at her feet. Unzipping it, she slipped her phone inside and let it rest on top of her neatly folded yellow t-shirt. She'd decided earlier that there was no need for her to have her phone during the prom; it could only lead to trouble. Her parents knew where she was and whom she was with. Two things that she didn't often grant them with such certainty.

Zipping her bag up and giving herself one final glance in the mirror, Rachel finally stepped out of the car and shut the door softly behind her. Her head spun a bit as the nervous nostalgia continued to wash over her, but she smiled at Kevin and took his offered arm with happy eyes.

The walk from the parking lot to the large gymnasium that housed the school prom was short and Rachel drank in each image with tingling anticipation. The entranceway had been decorated lavishly with yellow and black balloons and several ornate signs and billboards greeted each guest. Kevin had told her that the prom was supposed to have been held at a local country club, but the event space had been unexpectedly damaged forcing the school to scramble for a backup. Apparently the senior class had decided that they'd prefer to have it in their beautiful and recently constructed gym. So here they were. And here she was. Rachel smiled and shook her head.

As the pair reached the top of the steps leading to the entrance, Rachel paused a final time and took a deep breath. She'd begun to see more and more familiar faces and the buzzing in her stomach had reached a fever pitch. She thought again about the damaged country club and how such a freak occurrence had led her to where she was standing now. If the prom had been elsewhere, she'd still have to deal with seeing old faces and experiencing the accompanying memories, but she wouldn't have been thrust directly into the middle of her old world. She wouldn't be looking at the trees and the scoreboards and smelling the familiar air. She wouldn't be immersing herself into an environment full of memories she wasn't sure she was currently equipped to face.

But there was nothing to be done about that now. Twisting her lips thoughtfully, she shook her head and muttered under her breath as she gave her dress a final adjustment.

"I can't believe I'm back here. Life is so weird."

Kevin didn't catch her words and he looked back at her, cocking his head with an inviting smile. Rachel studied him for a moment, but only smiled back and reached for his extended hand. Taking it into her own, she let out a breath and pushed every haunting thought deep down into the pit of her stomach where she stored such undesirable things. As Rebecca's face melted from her mind, she stepped forward and passed through the double doors of the gym.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Whew! Another 160,000 words in the books!

First, please accept my sincere gratitude for taking the time to read another one of my (now whopping two) series. I know that the chapters are lengthy and often thick with (perhaps unnecessary) detail and that my attempt at shifting back and forth between time-periods may not be as intuitive to a reader as it is in my own head. So I appreciate you diving in anyway.

I really enjoyed writing this series, and if you made it through every chapter, I hope that means that you had some fun as well. My goal for Preludes was that it would fill in the pivotally important two-month gap that wasn't really addressed in Prom (especially from the perspective of really painting a picture of what Rachel's emotional state was when she first stepped onto the dance floor that night and how that might have led to what followed). I worked very hard to sew the two series together and I hope that you were able to pick up on the references from various Prom chapters that were the eventual bases for what was fully fleshed out in Preludes.

I'm also thankful for those of you who came across this series before discovering Prom and made the backwards trek of going and reading the main story first. I truly was learning on the fly while writing Prom (especially early on) and I understand that some of the writing may have been rougher and more unevenly constructed. Prom started out as just a collection of stories that weren't necessarily intended to be made contiguous and I sometimes wonder if I'd re-arrange some stuff if I could do it over again. So I hope that you were able to tough it out and get all the way through so that you could enjoy Preludes in the best way possible.

I love and appreciate all of the feedback and encouraging comments I have received. They truly make the endeavor all the more worthwhile. Understand that the framework for a lot of what I write is already in place before I submit these stories, but I really do consider each and every suggestion you offer and I try to incorporate such themes if and when I am able to do so without altering the overall tone of the story.

Either way, I'm grateful for all who stuck around and hung out with Rachel once again. I thank you for your patience in receiving a 'prequel' as the follow-up to Prom when I'm sure many of you were excited to go forward instead of back. So fear not. The future is coming. There is more to tell and your favorite sharp-witted, big boobed, and hopelessly over-analyzing protagonist will be back in action before you know it ;)

Thanks to all.

~TRC