Prisoners Need Love, Too

Water ran down my chest as I rubbed the bar of laundry soap on my cold arms. I could feel one of the guards staring at my bare ass while I showered. He must have been disgusted by my rolls of fat that had accumulated on my back. Out of all the places the prison weight could've settled in, it just had to go to my upper back. No matter how frugal I had to be with my money, I always made room for the 99 cent honeybuns. My breasts were still firm and round, but not bigger. I wasn't allowed to buy razors through the commissary, so a jet black bush had sprouted in between my legs.

The Zote soap left a gross residue on my skin, like a bad aftertaste one gets after eating cheap food. At least with the meals we were given in the chow hall, I could rinse the taste out afterwards with my Starlite mints and snacks from commissary. But this aftertaste couldn't be masked so easily. Prison had changed my definition of the word, "clean." There was always a thin layer of oil that I couldn't scrub off of my skin. Maximum security prison didn't allow products from Lush or Sephora, like I had back home. "Clean" used to remind me of clear water in basins, and the scent of mint. Now, all it meant was that my scalp wasn't burning from built up grease.

I put on my dirty towel, and stepped out of the stall only to be confronted by Officer Erik Thanan.

"You took too long," He said. "Next time, make your shower shorter."

I looked up at his curly brown hair. He couldn't have been older than twenty-five years old. That was the first time I noticed that his eyes were green. His snub nose and shaved face made him look like a schoolboy dressed up as a cop for Halloween.

"I'll remember that next time, Thanan," I told him as I walked back to my cell.

As much as I hated the gaudy orange uniform, I was glad it was baggy enough to hide my weight. It was a freezing January, but I didn't have enough saved to buy sweatpants or sweaters. Who knew being a prisoner was expensive? I caught my reflection in the plastic mirror, seeing a distorted silhouette. The skin on my face had turned grey. My hair was perpetually disheveled, while the hair on my limbs had grown thicker and softer. I looked like a vacuum had swallowed me whole, and then spit me back out.

Officer Thanan was outside in the hall, patrolling my block. He placed back and forth, scanning the area all while his hands were on his waist. He was ready to strike at any moment if an inmate dared to challenge him. I pictured him being thin and frail underneath his uniform, and therefore not muscular enough to defend himself if needed.

I turned my head, seeing if I could make out the time on the giant analog clock since I didn't have a watch. Thanan's big head blocked my view with his curly hair.

"Something I can help you with, Inmate?" He asked.

"What time is it?" I replied. "I can't be late for my meeting."

He moved closer to me, "You have a meeting today?"

"Yeah, at Five O'Clock PM," I informed him.

He looked me dead in the eye, like he didn't believe me. He was standing so close to me that could smell the mint on his breath. This wasn't the scent from the mints we prisoners had access to, but a stronger smell like fresh mint used in a kitchen at home.

"I'll take you there, now," Officer Thanan insisted.

We ended up in a secluded corridor outside the meeting room. He told me that I needed to be strip searched before I could go in.

"Take everything off," Thanan commanded.

I did what he asked, and I took off my uniform.

"Everything includes underwear, too," He said.

I unhooked my white bra and slipped off the state-issued white briefs.

I could feel my nose going red from the coldness of the room. My arms and legs were starting to shiver.

He stood there, glaring at my torso, avoiding eye contact. Thanan ran his hands up my legs, stopping at my thighs.

"You can get dressed, now," He declared.

Group therapy consisted of fellow inmates gathered in a circle with the psychologist leading the session. Dr. Carson was a tall woman with mouse brown hair who always seemed to wear different variants of the same pinstriped power suit.

"Delilah, it's your turn. Tell us why you're here," Dr. Carson instructed.

"I was twenty three. I was fresh out of college. I was working as a dominatrix, making a good living and I had a couple of regular clients. This one client, Brian, was seeing me up to four times a month."

I could see Dr. Carson's face when I said I used to be a sex worker. She shifted in her chair, and uncrossed her legs.

"So I was in the hotel room," I continued. "In the middle of our session, the door breaks open. Brian's wife, Karen, barges in and all hell breaks loose."

"Go on," the doctor said.

I ran my hands through my frizzy hair. "The next thing I knew, Mrs. Karen M. Roth was screaming at me, calling me a whore."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Confused!" I said. "She was more mad at me than at her cheating husband!"

"So, how did you end up here?"

"Mrs. Roth started hitting me, throwing punches. I fought back in self defense, and ended up choking her until she passed out. Hotel security was alerted, and they called the police. The police saw a bottle blonde on the ground, and me in latex with a black eye."

"Delilah, you have to admit that your anger is part of the problem."

"I do not have anger issues. This whole sentence has been unnecessary."

"You strangled a woman with a chain!"

"It was the chain from my Mickey Mouse pocket watch!" I exclaimed. "Karen was trying to kill me!"

"You could have taken a life!" She screamed. So much for not judging.

"Look, Mrs. Roth didn't die. She even lied on the stand, and Brian was too chicken to testify. I'm sure she's back in the suburbs, thriving off of all the sympathy."

I sat back in silence for the remainder of the meeting, watching the clock until it was time to leave.

The yellow cotton yarn twisted around the crochet hook, gradually making a small blanket. I was working on my project for the Women's Christian Association even though I'm not even a Christian. Staying in here with the others while we silently crochet for charity is better than walking around the courtyard, worried I'll get jumped at any minute.

I wanted to take my mind off of Brian. I didn't want to remember flogging him. I didn't want to picture his bottom being red from using the wooden paddle on him. Hell, I didn't even want to think about that moan he'd let out after I would insert that buttplug into him. Brian Roth was a traitor. All that time and money that he willingly chose to spend on me, and he threw me to the wolves. His wife didn't appreciate him, but he was too scared to leave. I knew Brian was back to being in a sexless, unfulfilling relationship.

"Is that a baby blanket?" I heard a voice ask. I looked up to see it was Delores, a lifer who was in here for poisoning her husband.

"It's supposed to be an afghan."

"A what?"

"You know, a shawl."

"Look, Lilah," she said while sitting down next to me. "I know you're not a Christian."

I knew where this conversation was headed.

"It's not your fault that you're a whore," She said.

"Delores, not now," I warned.

I wrapped the yarn around my fingers, holding in my anger.

"You have to accept Jesus into your heart," She started. "You need to repent for your lustful sins."

"I'm telling you to back away."

"You hurt that poor woman!" Delores barked.

The next thing I knew, I struck Delores in the face with my hook. Blood splattered on my hands as I hit her nose and cheekbones. I kept hitting and hitting her face until she fell on the dirty ground. A wave of relief washed over me as I saw the holy roller on the floor, finally silent.

A siren went off, and two officers wrestled me to the ground. One took out handcuffs, and kept saying something as he put them on. My ears were ringing, and my hearing was blocked. I couldn't make out what anybody was saying, but I knew I was going to go to solitary for breaking the rules.

The guards carried me to the dark corridors that every inmate secretly feared. They took me to an empty cell, and removed my shackles. The door shut behind me before I could even process what had just happened. Calming down, I was no longer angry. After all, there was no doubt that I had won that fight.

I rolled over in my bunk, knowing I had a long week ahead of myself. I went to sleep, dreaming of dungeons and boys in leather collars.

I woke up to the sound of roosters crowing outside, so I assumed it must have been dawn as there were no clocks in solitary. I was rubbing my eyes when I felt like someone was looking at me.

I lifted my head up to see a blond boy in only a loincloth floating above me. His white wings were stretched out and gently flapping like an angel visiting a lost soul.

"Yep, I'm hallucinating," I said out loud.

He chuckled, then said, "I come to bring you good news, Delilah."

"Are you my guardian angel?" I asked.

"I'm holding a bow and arrow," He pointed out.

"Cupid?!" I was in disbelief. I had always pictured the god Cupid as a fat baby like in the Hallmark cards. This Cupid here in the cell looked like a 20-something with plump lips and curly hair.

"I have struck Erik Thanan with my arrow. He now finds you irresistible," Cupid announced.

"Thanan?!" I asked in disbelief. "That guy is a total clown. Nobody here takes him seriously."

"This is a good thing," Cupid said. "Think of all the benefits being with Erik could bring you."

"I'm not sleeping with a corrections officer for some hair conditioner, and a cherry coke!"

"Not like that! Haven't you thought about what you're going to do when you get out?"

"I know I can't go back to being a dominatrix," I admitted. "I'm not considered 'safe to play with' now that I have an assault charge on my file."

"So, why not enjoy this time while you can with Erik?" He asked.

I slid my hand up the twink's porcelain thigh. "Can't I just spend time with you?"

Cupid shoved my hand off of his soft leg.

"You can't lie to me, Dee Dee. I know how you really feel about Thanan."

"No one has called me Dee Dee in years."

Cupid lightly stroked my face with his left hand.

"You have needs that Erik can provide. That's why I chose him," He explained.

"How could he even be attracted to me?" I asked. "Haven't you noticed Im fat, now?"

"Imagine that you are a Renaissance painting. You are as voluptuous as those models," He insisted.

Cupid disappeared from my cell as he slowly faded away from my sight. The god of love had made up his mind.

The next week came and went as I devised a plan to be alone with Thanan. I couldn't afford to get into any more fights.

I felt like I had been reborn as I was let out of Solitary. I was back to being Delilah. Men paid good money to spend time with me. I had the power to make men beg and cry for release. I had that ability before, and I still had it in my hands.

Hardly eating for seven days while I was in solitary meant I had lost weight. My skin around my back was now loose.

I stayed in my cell after my shower since I wasn't allowed back in the Christian group. I would have to wait until they could find a job for me to do. More time for me to prepare.

I knew that Thanan always worked the night shift on Thursdays, and I had to get ready for the big night. I went to the commissary, and bought a Dollar Store brand lipstick. The red pigment was more of a pink but it blended in well with my natural lip color. I slept with my hair with my hair in Dutch braids in order to get rid of the frizz. I undid my braids, and my hair came down in curls.

I stood by the bars, making it look like I was rearranging my books. I knew Erik would walk past me any minute.

"Why aren't you at your job?" I heard a voice ask.

I jumped, and looked up to see that Erik was earlier than expected.

"I got kicked out of the Christian group I was volunteering in," I reminded him.

"Didn't they assign you another job?" He asked.

"No, it's going to take some time," I responded.

I looked him in the eye when I talked to him. I wanted to run my hands through his brown hair. Erik wasn't like my old clients. I didn't fantasize about whipping or striking him. I didn't want to physically injure him. What I was feeling was something else. With my old life, I always somehow kept my feelings at a distance. Those weren't relationships; they were agreements. Being a dominatrix was just a job. After our sessions, we both went back to our daily life. What I felt towards Erik Thanan was something else. Maybe Cupid had struck me with his arrow, too.

"Maybe I can pull some strings, and get you a good job," Erik said.

"You'd do that for me?" I asked.

Erik handed me a thin piece of white paper. He backed away, not saying anything as he glared into my eyes.

I waited until he was out of sight to open it. The paper said, "Meet me in the chapel."

I went into the chapel, not finding anyone there. The seats were all empty, giving the room an ominous feeling like something was off.

Erik came out from behind one of the giant doors. He wrapped his arms around my waist, sniffling my hair. i could feel his snub nose making way towards my ear.

I turned around. "Erik," I called out. He clasped his hands around my face, kissing me. I stood there paralyzed, my hands at my side.

He pulled me onto the floor, taking my uniform off. I didn't know what to think as all I could focus on were his soft, plump lips. Erik kept his clothes on, rubbing himself up against me.

He squeezed my chest as he kissed my neck, taking little nibbles while I played with his hair. The next thing I knew, I felt a finger go inside my briefs.

"Woah!" I let out in panic. I had always been the one in charge before. I wasn't used to this.

"What's wrong?" He asked. I saw that my red lipstick had smeared around his mouth. His shirt was now wrinkled, and his collar out of place.

"Get undressed," I ordered.

I unclasped my white bra as he took off his uniform.

Just as I had imagined, Thanan had hardly any muscles. His skin was as pale as I had thought. His nipples were pink dots. He looked even younger with clothes off.

"You're gorgeous," He said as he glared at my bare chest.

Erik kissed my forehead, and slid his hands down my torso, pulling down my underwear. He kissed my lips as I moaned into his mouth. I hadn't been touched in so long.

Thanan held on to my hips, and inserted his member into me. I laid flat on my back, staring up at the ceiling.

Cupid flew up in the corner of the chapel, smiling down at us. Erik didn't noticed, but I looked right at him. Cupid's work was done.

I scratched Erik's back as he made love to me. He alternated from sucking on my nipples to kissing my face and neck. The sensations on his skin made me go faster, in turn making me grip harder.

Remembering I couldn't get caught, I buried my head in his neck as the giant wave of euphoria washed over me. I could feel my face going red and flushed as I returned to normal.

Erik looked into my eyes, and I focused on his green irises as he came.

Exhausted, we rested on the wooden floor before realizing we needed to get back. He ran his hands through my hair as I rested my head on his hairless chest. We got dressed in awkward silence, making sure we didn't leave any evidence behind. Erik wrapped the used condom in tissues, and put it in the rubbish. He cleaned off the pigment around his lips, and adjusted his collar.

"How's my hair?" He asked.

"Perfectly curly," I said.

He escorted me back to my cell with his usual smirk and seriousness that authority figures possess in order to demand obedience. The look in his eyes said it all. This had to be our secret. Nobody could know.

The next day, I went back to my cell at the end of my day to find a little brown paper bag. I opened it to find a Hershey's chocolate bar and a bar of Dove soap. At the very bottom was a note on white paper that said, "Happy Valentine's Day."