Pulling Him Closer

"I've done homework . I've read up on the effects of what he endured. What he's still going through is called Ribot-consistent retrograde amnesia. You were a teacher, Mother! For god's sake, don't you think you should've looked into it yourself, or just asked me? For God's sake Mother, this isn't one of your soap opera dramas.

"More importantly, Jack is my son. Rick is his father, and this has absolutely nothing to do with you!"

"Mind your volume, dear," she said defensively. Her demeanor suggested she'd realized the error of her ways.

"I know Rick wants to see Jackson, but I don't know what else he's thinking. I want him to get to know his son. He has every right. You might have put him on the defensive, making him think my desire to reunite with the only man I've ever truly loved is just a trap to make him pay child support!

"It's the whole reason I went against your advice and didn't file a complaint with the attorney general's office to have him tracked down! I can take care of Jack without Rick. I have for more than three years, and if the AG had sent him a delinquency warrant, it could've destroyed his brain ! Don't you understand ?

"I wonder what's going to happen now. You went way too far, and I'll never forgive you if you've caused Rick any harm. You're done."

"Oh? You won't be needing me as a sitter again?"

"Wha⁠—this … conversation is over!"

The sound of the heavy entry door slamming was bizarrely satisfying as I fast-walked down the interior corridor, seething. It was loud enough that one or two other doors were opened by people curious about the ado.

The rest of my emotional walls collapsed when I sat in my car in the complex's parking structure.

"What do I do ?" I shouted to myself, banging my hands on my steering wheel.

I started the engine and punched a few buttons on the infotainment system's display.

"How'd it go?" my brother asked when he answered my call.

"Pretty much as you predicted," I tersely said.

"Oh."

"Are you good for a few more hours?"

"Jack and Matt are playing in the back yard, so we're all set."

"I should go talk to Rick now."

"Yeah. See to your business."

"Thanks, Parker."

"When do we get to meet him?" he asked.

"One thing at a time."

"Fair enough. Good luck."

My throat felt like it held my stomach as I drove into the O2T parking lot.

"Can I help you?" asked a man who saw me looking about the place.

"My name is Rachel Jarrett. I need to speak with Rick Sanger. He's expecting me."

He nodded. "I'll get him."

"Thank you."

RICK SANGER
Option Two Tactical

I heard the call for me to come to the lobby over the radio. I took two deep breaths and counted slowly to ten to calm my nerves and slow my heart rate. My leg was strangely being fully cooperative as I departed my office, so I didn't understand the amount of effort it required to walk to the front. It was dread, I guessed.

Rachel didn't look like herself. She appeared to have had a rough beginning to her day, something I could relate to.

"Hi," she meekly said. "Can we go somewhere more private?"

I spoke to Bing first. "If anyone calls and asks for me by name, send it to my voicemail. If they only ask for the manager, well … please deal with them yourself."

She nodded.

Rachel followed me to my office and closed the door. She sat in the chair adjacent to the one her own mother had used the day before. I wondered if she sensed the latent echo of the individual who'd wronged us both and avoided it subconsciously. Sitting behind my desk, I folded my hands in my lap and watched her. Several silent moments elapsed before she, apparently a little impatient, broke the silence.

"Well?"

"You're the one in control here, RJ. Well what?"

"Please don't be angry with me. I don't know what to say or where to begin because, to be honest, I'm a little scared of you."

"What ? Do you think I'd ever hurt you?"

"Physically? No," she answered, "but I have no idea what's about to happen between us now that you know."

"Okay, then I'll start. What was your plan if it hadn't been for your mother spilling the beans? When were you planning on telling me? Never?"

"I was waiting because I wanted to get a better sense of how prepared you'd be to hear it. I read up on stuff about your injury. Some of the papers said certain things can cause setbacks, like potentially causing a delay or even stopping recall, and I didn't want to risk it. I was hoping I'd be able to tell you in a few weeks."

I considered her answer. Yes, my doctor had told me such things were remote, but possibilities, nonetheless.

"Yeah. Maybe you're right."

"I haven't figured it out yet. Come on. I really need you to cut me a little slack, okay? You have to understand how complicated this is for me. Put yourself in my shoes if you can. I'm angry as all hell at my mother for what she did."

I watched her for a few moments. Her timidity made her seem so vulnerable.

"Where is he right now?" I asked.

"My brother and sister-in-law's house. Their son, Matt, is about the same age as Jack."

"Jack? His name is Jack?"

"Jackson Richard Jarrett," she said with a slightly broader smile. "I don't know if you remember, but you once told me how Rick isn't short for anything, that it's your full first name, but I wanted to have at least a hint of yours in his."

"Can I see him?" I asked. "Please? Just a picture, maybe?"

Rachel unlocked her phone, tapped on its screen, then handed it to me.

I felt myself choke back a cry as I looked into the eyes of a child to whom I instantly sensed a connection.

I lightly touched the image with my fingers, wishing the smooth glass would somehow convey the texture of his hair.

I sniffled. "He's beautiful."

"That picture doesn't show them very well, but his eyes are almost the same color as yours," she whispered, apparently relieved the emotions I was exhibiting were positive.

"Really?" I asked, pinch-zooming to try to see them better.

"Yeah."

"So … adulting . What's it like? I mean, is he, you know … is he a good kid?"

"He was tough going at two, but he's turning into a sweetheart. He's very inquisitive. He doesn't find anything he won't try to explore completely. Especially dirt."

"Dirt ?" I laughed hard, swiping to the next picture, and becoming more molten by the minute.

"Yeah. Dirt." She chuckled, seeing my unconstrained delight. "When I take him to playgrounds, he'll dig through the wood chips or whatever so he can explore what's down there."

"Why won't you let me see him … in person?"

"I want to, but I don't know how."

"Why not ?"

"Think , Rick. I've been a single mother for more than three years. He hasn't reached the age to realize he doesn't have a father in his life. It's sort of like … well, you are to him right now as I was to you up until the point you knew me again.

"You are absolutely a part of his existence, but you have to understand … he's not aware of the whole concept. How do I even begin to navigate this? What do I do? Just march him up to you and say, 'Jack, this is your father. His name is Rick.'"

"Why can't it be that simple?" I asked.

Rachel studied my face carefully for several moments before speaking again.

"I'm sorry if this makes me sound like a heartless bitch, but I need to know what your intentions are."

"If you'll permit it, I want to be involved in his life , and I don't want to have to lawyer up to do it. I don't want him to grow up not knowing me or thinking I intentionally abandoned him. I swear on a stack. If I'd not been out of my mind, I would have been by your side the entire time. You believe me, don't you?" I cried.

She nodded with tears in her eyes. "I do, baby. I do," she said, standing from her seat.

I rose, too, and we held each other.

"I'm willing to give whatever time or distance you both need, but … when I began understanding the depth of the feelings I was having for you way back then, I dreamt of so many possible futures."

"You did?" she cried with me, pulling me closer.

"I absolutely did, and a bunch of them included children."

We held each other tightly for several minutes, unconcerned of our gushing emotions.

"Rachel?"

"Yeah, babe?" she whispered.

"I love you."

She squeezed me so tight I felt my back pop. It made her chuckle.

"I love you, too, Rick."

"Thank you. Thank you for … everything ."

"I suppose it's time. Can you leave for a while?" she asked.

"To go see⁠—"

She nodded. "You've eased my worries, and I … well, it's not fair to you for me to delay the inevitable any longer, so it might as well be right now."

Rachel and I exited through the back where my truck was parked.

She made a call on her cell to advise someone to expect a certain visitor, then punched an address into my truck's GPS. I followed its instructions which soon had us on Southwest Freeway. After about fifteen minutes, I was navigating residential streets.

"It's three houses up on the left. The guy mowing the yard is Parker, my brother. Don't worry if he looks unfamiliar, because I don't think I ever introduced you to him or his wife before. They've heard a lot about you and have seen photographs, so they will recognize you."

I carefully pulled into the driveway to park.

The man seemed rightfully wary and cautious as he killed the power on his mower and approached Rachel's side of the truck. He opened the door for her.

"Hey, Rach. Ness is inside with Matt and Jack."

"Okay."

At one o'clock, it was already sweltering and humid.

I stepped out and offered a handshake. "Hi. I'm Rick Sanger."

"I know," he said, shaking my hand after wiping his with a towel he had over his shoulders. "I'm Parker Jarrett. Give me a minute. I'll go inside and let Ness know you're here and clean myself up a little."

"Awkward," I observed after he went through the door.

"Probably for everyone."

Not thirty seconds later, a woman stepped out on the porch and asked us to come inside the house. She ushered us into the family room.

"Mr. Sanger, I'm Vanessa Jarrett, Rachel's sister-in-law."

"It's nice to meet you. Rick is fine, please," I suggested as we were invited to sit.

Parker entered the room having changed his shirt.

"Mommy!" yelped an adorable, beautiful child who'd followed him.

He quickly scrambled up onto the couch. Rachel pulled him onto her lap with a hug and kissed him on the crown of his mussy-haired head. "Ooh! You're stinky. You've been playing outside, haven't you."

"Aunt Ness made us come in."

The young boy was eyeing me curiously as his mother and he interacted.

"Where's Matthew?" Rachel asked.

"His room. He keeps hogging Fruit Ninja and won't let me play," he softly complained.

"Oh, Fruit Ninja, huh? Well. I'm sure you can have a turn soon."

"Okay," he said, still staring at me.

"Jack, this is my very good friend, Rick. Can you be polite and say hello to him?"

"Hello," he spoke to me. "Are you sad?"

His question was unexpected until I realized I had the seeds of tears in my eyes.

"No, Jack," I answered with staggered breath after wiping them with a fingertip. "I'm not sad at all. It is very nice to meet you, young man. How old are you?" I asked.

Even though I already knew the answer, I was trying my best to converse with a child of that age, a skill I certainly lacked.

"Three and a half," he said with pride. "How old are you?"

I laughed, wiping my eyes again. "Much older. I just turned seven."

He gawked in awe, broke his gaze, and looked quizzically at his mother for confirmation.

Rachel chuckled, "It's not polite for children to ask adults how old they are, okay?"

"Okay," he answered her, then stared back at me.

"You're Mommy's friend?"

"Your mommy is my bestest friend in the whole wide world."

I felt Rachel seeking my hand with her own. When she found it, she laced her fingers through mine and clasped it.

"He is my best friend, too," she said. "I haven't seen him for a very long time because we both were sort of lost. Now that we've found each other, you will be seeing him a lot more."

"Are you going to tell him," Parker quietly asked, "or are you going to risk Mom butting in again?"

"We can't have that, now, can we," Rachel calmly answered then nudged Jack's hip. "Scooch off and stand here, booger."

She moved to sit on the floor in front of him. She took both of his hands in hers.

"Jackson, this might sound strange to you, and maybe confusing or a little scary," she spoke. "The reason you'll be seeing more of my friend is because he's your father."

The child's head visibly bobbled as the words were absorbed. He looked at me, then over his shoulders at Vanessa and Parker, then back to his mother.

"Uncle Parker is Matt's daddy."

"That's right. And Rick is yours."

I could tell the child was at least moderately confused. There was no way I would step into the conversation, though, because only his mother would be able to guide him along the strange road onto which she'd turned him.

"Why?" he asked so innocently.

"Everybody has a father and mother. Rick and I are yours, but we lost each other for a long time which is why you don't know him yet."

"Oh," the boy said after a few moments. "Okay. Can I play Fruit Ninja now?"

She patted his backside gently. "Sure, sweetie. Tell Matt his Aunt Rachel says it's your turn."

Vanessa laughed as he ran back the way he'd come. "The absolute acceptance of a child."

"Um … I need to step outside," I said, bolting from the sofa and almost sprinting to the front door because I didn't want anyone to see what was about to happen to me.

I jumped into my truck. It was freaking hot inside it, so I started the engine and blasted the AC in time for my sobs to overwhelm me. Rachel fiddled with the locked passenger-side door handle. I pressed the button to unlock it.

"Baby, what's wrong!?" she asked, alarmed.

"Nothing! He's perfect !" I cried out. "God! He's my son ! I can tell!"

She chuckled, perhaps confused at my outburst. "Well, yeah, I'm aware."

"No, Rachel, you don't understand. I feel it. I feel it, you know? I feel the connection . It's inexplicable!"

"Hey. Come on, baby," she said. "He's half you , Rick. It makes me happy how you sense the bond. I felt it the moment I knew I was pregnant, and it only became ten times stronger when the nurse put that baby boy in my arms."

"God, RJ. I'm proud, you know? I've got a little kiddo. Please, please allow me to be a part of his life."

"So … you're okay with it all? It isn't a big deal?"

"Are you kidding me?" I laughed. "It's a huge deal! I'm so thankful you didn't …"

I cut myself off before I said something I thought might offend her.

"I didn't what?"

"You know, um … get an ab⁠—"

"Not in a thousand years. I loved you, Rick, and I still do. I had fallen so madly in love with you that … well, yeah. He was a part of you I knew I'd love, too, and now that you're back in the picture …"

"I get it. Just … you're the most awesome woman who's ever walked the face of this planet."

She giggled humorously. "Aw, shucks ."

"Should we go back inside? I don't want my kid's aunt and uncle to think I'm a raving lunatic."

"Sure."

The Jarretts invited us to stay for dinner. Neither of us had eaten anything all day, so RJ and I were more than agreeable. Plus, it meant I could spend time with Jack.

After our meals, Rachel began collecting Jackson's stuff when Matthew asked, "Can Jack stay? Please?"

RJ looked at her brother and sister-in-law for signals. Vanessa's was an easy shrug and Parker's was a nod.

"Booger, would you like to stay over with Matt?"

"Yeah!" he excitedly answered.

"Okee dokee, then," she agreed, kneeling to look him eye to eye. "I'm going to go home and get you some pajamas and a clean change of clothes for tomorrow. I'll be back by your bedtime."

She kissed him on his forehead. He hugged her then ran off with his cousin to do whatever they'd been doing before dinner.

"I'll pick him up at eight o'clock. Is that good?"

"That works," Vanessa answered. "Text me when you're on your way so I can make sure he's ready."

Rachel programmed the GPS with another address. She held my right hand in her left.

"Be honest with me, Rick. How are you truly feeling about all this?"

"It's hard to put into words," I began as I tried to think of a way to describe it. "Have you ever been to the top of a really tall skyscraper? Taller than⁠—"

"Does the observation deck of One World Trade Center count?"

"The highest in the western hemisphere? I'd say so. When I go somewhere like that, the closer I get to the edge, near the windows, I get a strange sense of tension even though I know there's no way I'm going to fall off. It's the bizarre blend which draws people to spend money for the experience."

"Yeah. Totally," she agreed, nodding her head.

"It's sort of like that. You know, fright mixed with thrill. Everything's become a weird unknown."

"That's exactly how I felt when the test came back positive. Uncertain but excited."

"I truly wish I could have been there for you."

"I know you do, Rick. I know."

"I'm here now. If you're willing to keep me near, I want to be all in."

"Yeah?" RJ asked with a tender smile.

"Yes. I do."

It required only a few minutes for RJ to pack a small bag of clothes for Jack. I looked around his room as she was assembling it. Even though Rachel was surely the one making the choices, I thought I might somehow get a sense of his personality from such things as the Grogu sheets on his bed or the Big Bird pajamas she packed for him.

As we began the drive back to Vanessa and Parker's house, my thoughts got the best of me, and I started chuckling.

"What are you thinking about?" RJ asked, catching the chuckles contagiously.

"Last week, I thought maybe some of my memories of you were flawed, but now I think I know why they weren't."

"Why?"

"Well … because your boobs are a little bigger than I remembered. Having created a child might explain it."

She laughed. "Not much bigger. I'll doubt I'll ever be bigger than a B."

"I don't care. They're gorgeous, and there's what's happened once or twice of late during a climax⁠—"

"Hey !" she barked as she punched me squarely in my right deltoid. "Having a baby affects certain things! Don't tease me."

"I'm only playing, babe. All of that makes you even more attractive, and I don't know how that's possible. I am so incredibly proud of you, RJ."

Her smile told me she'd accepted my praise as it was intended, and my teases were anything but.

I stayed in the truck as Rachel dropped off Jackson's stuff at the Jarretts'. She was only inside for about five minutes before she climbed back in.

"Today has been incredibly fulfilling for me. Might I ask you a question?"

"Sure," she said.

"Would you like to come stay the night with me?"

"No thanks," she answered way more quickly than I expected.

"Oh, okay," I said with mild disappointment. "Then … maybe I can treat you and Jack to breakfast or lunch tomorrow?"

"We'll do that, too." She chuckled, giving me a subtle side-eyed smile.