All Comments on 'Queen of the Night'

I was interested in reading your story but haven’t because you were incredibly thoughtful and included relevant tags (incest is a hard no form me). So I just wanted to say thank you for doing that. Best of luck with your writing

Tess (uk)

This story is well written and creative, and I think it has the potential to be really excellent with some more editing. I really liked the setting and your descriptive language. However, there are some things I think could be improved, so here are a few comments that I hope are constructive. First, there are a lot of word usage and grammatical errors that distract from the story. For example, it should be perspiration, not perpetration (that means something totally different), udders, not utters (again, udder and utter mean different things), *lest* the corn *fall* out, not *less* the corn *would fall* out, and went skittering, not when skittering (also, IMO skittering implies movement along the ground, not through the air).

In terms of the actual story itself, you introduced a potentially interesting plot point with Jacob walking in on her, but you never went anywhere with it. I would love to see that foreshadowing lead to something; if you don’t want to develop that any further then I would suggest simply taking it out. Also, I thought your ending was unique and interesting in that most erotica doesn’t end with the protagonist still feeling frustrated, but at the same time I also found the ending a bit unsatisfying. The main plot line is that she is sexually frustrated, and since that never gets resolved it makes the story seem kind of flat. Like, she is horny and frustrated, horny and frustrated, horny and frustrated… and then the story just ends and nothing has changed. I think your ending with Morley turning out to be gay could be great if the story was more about Morley and why she likes him specifically, but the way the story is written your current ending doesn’t really resolve the main conflict. I think that either she needs to get off by the end (which would also make it more fun for the reader I think), or her sexual frustration can’t be the main plot line. Also, it seemed to me that she accepted Morley’s homosexuality a bit too readily for the time period. A girl her age in the Victorian era might not have even known that gay men existed, and probably would have been way more confused, if not horrified, by Morley saying that he prefers men. Finally, I was a bit confused by the bit with her sister. If you want to write a story about incest then I feel like the story should be about that, but it felt kind of out of place and a bit confusing in this story.

I'm new to this site and I don't know if this is the place to say it, but I'd like to thank everyone for their thoughtful feedback. It means a lot to me.