All Comments on 'Rachel: The Busty Babysitter'

Great story and wrap up at the end but lots of errors. Some minor ones that a car has 'brakes' not 'breaks'. The switch from first person to the third person on the second page was annoying. When Rachel takes the car to the shops she is told to take the Venza but picks up the keys to the Audi! I can tell when you took a break writing because you came back and repeated the details about Rachel's breasts being D (or double D) and being bigger than Sam's B cup two paragraphs before.

The end wrap says she is 60 when Andrew dies and she lives to be 100 but dies 20 years to the day that he died!! Some confusing maths there. It would be 40 years later!

Pays to have someone read the story through before publishing. This could also have been written as a 3 part series and some bits expanded. Good going overall.

Having written fiction and prose for the better part of 40 years, what I’m offering is hopefully helpful and constructive criticism.

1. Decide whether you want to write in first person (i.e. someone is narrating) or third person (the story is being told), and then whether you want present tense (we walk to the car and get in it) or past tense (we walked to the car and got in).

2. Start small. You fluffed a three Literotica page story to five pages...start with something shorter and then read, revise, edit, and then give it to someone else to do the same. The longer the story the more lost in the details you can become.

3. Keep notes or use a writing tool like Scrivener to keep them.

4. You have talent...don’t get discouraged. Learn to walk before you start to run and you’ll be creating content comparable to the top writers.

5. Don’t get discouraged. Yeah, I said it before, but it bears repeating.

Liked this one. The original was good also, but adding your details, emotions and epilogue added quite a bit. I thought the divorce was a bit too glossed over and the wife's character needed a bit of "fleshing out". A very nicely done revision to an already good story. Thanks for this.

Lol. Definitely a 50s yt guy's fantasy. Hope the court awarded Samantha half of all he owned. He didn't have to insult her like that because he was leaving her for a teen.

Nice story. It indeed appears that Samantha is an ice-cold bitch. But some errors appear: what are the breaks of a car ? Probably brakes.

And sometimes it is writtin in the first person and other times in third person. Not consistent.

The Toyota Venza is a 2020 model. At the time the story is written, Rachel is 18, but it ends that she gets 100. The story cannot be written in the distant past (1940s or so) because of the car models, so the end of the story takes place in the year 2102-2104 when Rachel gets 100.

such fun!!!!!

Good story, good cover of it! Keep at it!

Get an editor.

THANK YOU for a refresh of a fun story. Unfortunately, if one hadn't read the original, they won't make much sense of this. One example, you had Candace watching them make love; then never mentioned her again.

Someone must proof read for you. You ran spell check on your story, but it can't correct vocabulary. One example; Rachel asks Andrew about his day, you have him having a "ruff" day when you wanted "rough". Ruff is a properly spelled word, but NOT the correct one for this sentence.

Please take this as an opportunity to work on your weaknesses, you made a nice adaptation of the original, that shows creativity. You know where you want to go, you just need to improve your tools to do so.

Have a wonderful 2022

Paul

Omg, thank you for that story. I cant believe you took it all the way to death too. And didn't drag it on to do so. Great story. Good job. Dam that Samantha.

You've got names changing, then 3rd to 1st person perspective... proof read it before submitting it.

3

Adding Rachel's point of view was a wonderful idea to take the story from what was, if we're being honest, a cliched male midlife fantasy and make it something more genuinely romantic.

That being said, I completely agree with everyone who is advising you to get an editor/proofreader. Some paragraphs read in the same 1st person perspective as the original, others with John as the focus have clearly been redone and are narrated in 3rd person as a result. Your verb tenses (past vs. present) are all over the place. There are close-but-not-quite word choices (e.g. "he treasured her" instead of "he reassured her") in multiple spots.

Put it this way: Your pie tastes delicious, but the presentation could use some work.

I didn't read the story that inspired this, which is probably why I didn't like it as much as some other readers who left comments. It was really hard to follow what was going on because of how many grammar mistakes there were and how often the perspective changed.

Grammar and spelling left a lot to be desired. I liked that there was a bit more to the story, but it was rather choppy. I'm an author myself, so one thing I've found very helpful is a proofreader. They will find things you or I might miss. Otherwise, keep up the writing, and read voraciously. My writing has improved since I've started reading more.

Yeah, definitely get an editor. Good concept, but there's a lot that needs to be cleaned up and looked over- they've all been pointed out in other comments.

Also for the record, an Audi A5 has Quattro all wheel drive. You'd have to hit a sheet of solid ice, sideways, for the thing to spin as described in the story. Little things like that you may want to do further research on.

Fun rewrite/expansion.

10/10!!!!!

I like a good story, not just sex, but a good story. This was a great story! Thanks much!!

You could have mispelled half of the words and made more errors than what folks have identified.

I understood what you wrote. I saw errors but didn't pause. I can't believe I'm writing a comment about a sex story. It was more than just that. Got me rock hard. But warmed my heart at the end.

Thank you.

Sorry - I liked the original much more.

I love what you are doing at the moment. Reinterpreting these other classic erotic tales by Sethp. Please keep going. It's a great day each time you release a new one. Really exciting and truly erotic. Thank you.

when's the movie come out?

Absolutely awesome! There are no words to describe this loving story. It just shows even in fiction that real life is a lot of mishaps but none that can’t be corrected to make a beautiful symphony. Thank you and great job! ♥️

if candice isn't coming for a week, how was she watching them have sex?

I still love this story, which I see as a great romance that would be worth a screenplay. While I think the author has added some excellent points to the story, I have trouble with this version. Mainly it’s the distraction due to several factors.

Grammar and sentence construction. Really need to clean it up in several places. A good editor could help.

Changing voices. Going from first person to third person (and back, sometimes in the same sentence) is very distracting. Wrong or switched character names in several places. Also, confusion in dialog about who’s saying what.

Similarly, changing between past tense and present tense, again sometimes in the same sentence) is very distracting. Stick to past tense for better readability.

A couple switched dialog sources (Andrew vs. Rachel).

I always encourage diagramming a timeline and some reference to where everyone is. One thing I noticed is that in a couple places Andrew was working in his home office, then was greeted by Rachel as if he was commuting – then changing out of his suit. And Candice didn’t arrive until the very end of the story, yet she’s witnessing them making love in the middle.

The plot is great, though there were elements that need to be tightened up a bit – like the whole thing about splitting and taking clients away; what problems did he have with his employer? And by the way, in the beginning of the story, Samantha has her own career; at the end, it appears she’s not working.

The only hole I would like to see closed up in the original – and this version, too – is the motivation of the wife (Samantha in this version), who comes off as two-dimensional. There are signs she’s having an affair of her own, but considering my own life and experience, it could be that she’s just an unhappy person and clinically depressed, which causes her to just be a miserable person. In the latter case, just a sentence or two to confirm would help (as an aside, my ex got into opioids which depressed her even more than she already was, and that’s a much longer story, and where infidelity isn't really relevant).

That was a very lovely story. The bitch Sam got what she deserved. Andrew and Rachel lived a long life together sharing there love for each other and the children. Thank you for the great story I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work. Thank you again CB_Girl_Dani.

Please choose a tense and stick to it!!

Not one who likes cheaters of any variety bur this was a very good story. And in the end the frigid wife really didn't want her family anyway. So I guess it all worked out in the end.

I gave it 5*. I wouldn't classify it as perfect. Up til the wife comes back it is perfect.

Fridgid wives are an underrated woe. I classify withholding sex and/or affection to be somewhere just below cheating. There are days I don't want to work. If I miss a day here or there nobody will end a marriage. If I decide never to work again unilaterally after a year or two (if that) any woman will divorce me. Sex is the same.

Once the wife gets home the sequence of events is too fast. The divorce is decided in one dispute. (It was foreshadowed well.) Rachel's mom is just ok with them moving in together before highschool is over and asks no questions. (I think early marriage is a good thing, as it gives less chance for promiscuity which kills marital happiness, but this is not highschoo sweethearts.) We don't get to revel in the fact she got knocked up.

There is a disjointed pacing where it feels like you were patient for the first 5 pages then either mailed it in or just got too excited to finish.

Really well done, loved it! 5/5

I read the original story and then your revision right after. What you write added a lot to the story, and touches like generalizing musical tastes, rather than naming two bands, was a good idea. More readers can read their own tast4s into 'rock', which give it more of a timeless quality.

I gave you five stars, but have one criticism.

For the love of God please don't switch present tense if you are sdding material to a story written in the past tense. While it did make it easier to identify the nee material, it really messes with the flow of the reading! If you really want to use present tense, then you need to change all olf msterial to reflect that. I almost gave you 4 stars, instead of 5, because of this, but your changes were spot on. (Who wants to impress a guy they afe yearning for and makes spagetti? Lassana makes much more sense.) Overall you two write well together and I plan to read more of both your stories.

Please read your story before publishing. It's full of switching between present and past tense and there are several instances of slipping into first person from third person. (If that was somehow intentional, it doesn't work to any good effect.)

I have now read the story several times. Each repetition is better. I find more that I like and enjoy about the story. The only thing I ask, is that you continue to write in the same genre. Thank you for your time and effort.

too many errors, wrong words, and name mix-ups and 3nd and 1st views, the whole story was a wreck to read, one star.

Really enjoyed it. I don't usually care for cheating stories but the true love at the end made it not cheap.

One question though. Who is Candace that was watching them have sex? It's not one of the kids names.

Amazing. I can't describe the joy I get reading your stories. It would be an honor to meet you one day at a book signing for your first published full novel. You really should consider that. Your stories have such heart and morality. They are also very hot for where you post them. Thanks so much for writing it's much appreciated, please keep up the great work 👍😊

Brilliant read .

4 stars as switching between 1st and 3d person, sometimes multiple times in a paragraph, is a bit wearysome. IMHO, you missed a bet not including a few sentences on Candice's visit and, since she likely would've twigged to the situation, she could've busted his balls once or twice about bedding the babysitter, even while agreeing that Samantha was an ice queen and he was better off without her...

The person switching is a bit distracting, and there is a calculation error.

You subtracted Andrew's age when he died from Rachel's age when she died, stating she passed 20 years to the day later.

But she was 20 years younger than him, you should have subtracted Rachel's age when Andrew died from Rachel's age when she died, making it 40 years to the day. (A very long time to wait to see your soulmate again...)

Even though expanded, I felt the original had more depth. Most of my issues were covered by other reviewers. I.E.. 1st and 3rd person. Main confusion from name changes John to Andrew, Kathy to Samantha. Drews sister only casually mentioned, not an important character anymore to give perspective and mildly bust his chops about his cheating even if she understood, but all in all a very good story. I gave it 4 Stars versus the 5 stars I gave SETHPs original

Despite a few issues already pointed out, I gave this five stars. I’ve not read the original, but this is quite good.

Tc

I have read, re-read and read several times. Each time is enjoyable. Nicely done.

Great love story, loved it!

The original was much better.

Could have been great. Apart from the editing isdues already mentioned, the whole time travelling ending is overblown and not needed. And after fucking each other ragged, consumating the marriage is just daft.

Great story, loved it.

almost as good as the original. most of the extended story is very good. my main complaint is that at times rachel and her mother come across as almost manipulative. i also missed andrew's sister.

Just as enjoyable the second time around!