Randy Takes A Busman's Holiday

"I need no-hassle access to the staff shower."

"Looks like you need a motel."

"Easy there, Jimmy. She's with me," said Randy giving him a "Cut the shit, Jimmy" look.

Jimmy looked at Suzy and said. "Please accept my apology, Maam. I shouldn't have said that."

"No offense taken, Jimmy," she said. "I know how I look and I guess I'm pretty ripe too, but I'm not a junkie hooker."

"Like I said, Maam, I'm sorry."

Randy said, "If you see Manny, tell him that we'll be needing the shower in about forty-five minutes. Thanks, Jimmy."

"Will do, Randy. Good to see ya."

"We're going shopping," the young hypnotist said to his scruffy companion and now dinner date.

First, they bought a pair of macramé jeans, then, some new sneakers and socks. All that was left was a new top and a light jacket to keep out the cold, and new underwear. Suzy chose a white linen girl's shirt in her size and a medium weight jacket. There were no underwear booths at the fair.

"It looks like I'm "going commando," she said. It's no big deal. I've done it before."

Randy and Suzy made their way to the outside shower which was behind one of the fair buildings. Randy pulled back the curtain and, as usual, there was a small bar of community soap and a half empty tube of Prell concentrate shampoo on the small bench inside the shower. "Suzy, I want you to shower thoroughly, top to bottom. I forgot to get us a towel, but I remember seeing something we could use at a booth not too far away. Do not leave the shower until I return. Here," he said, "take this stuff and hang it on the hanger. Don't get it wet now. If somebody asks you what you're doing, tell them 'Manny said it was OK. If the guy says that he's Manny, say 'Randy Baumgardner said you wouldn't mind.' That will do the trick. I'll be back soon. Just throw the old stuff out on the ground. I know where there's a burn barrel. Don't forget the hat."

"OK, Randy," said the young pickpocket, who closed the curtain. Item by item, Suzy's old clothes were pushed through the gap in the shower curtain and onto the ground in front of the shower.

Ten minutes later, Randy returned. The shower was still running. "Everything all right in there?" he asked.

"Yes. I'm almost done. There's no hot water in here!"

Randy laughed. "Suzy, this is a small carnival. Don't mistake it for the Marriot. They might have one in Meredith or Conway, but they're a few towns away. He paused to see if his joke would get a laugh. It didn't. "I couldn't find straight-up towels, but this will do the job nicely, I think." He pulled a pink women's sweatshirt out of a paper bag and passed it through the gap in the curtain. Printed on the back of the soft cotton sweatshirt in two columns were two dozen examples of fair food. Buffalo Burgers, Cotton Candy, Blooming Onions, Homemade Fudge, French Fries, all the stuff that was supposedly "bad for you."

On the front, beneath the words "Sandwich Fair" was "I Came To Eat."

"Very funny" came flying out of the shower stall.

"Ah, she has a sense of humor," said Randy to the woman behind the olive drab privacy tarp.

"You didn't by any chance get another sweatshirt for my hair, did you? I've wrung it out as best I can but it's still really wet." Randy quietly drew a navy blue "Hudson Amusements" sweatshirt from the bag and handed it through the gap.

"Wow," said the toweling girl, "I am seriously impressed."

"Be careful with the blue one. It's a collector's item," said Randy. "If any carny sees you in that sweatshirt and you need help, you'll get it. Tell them that you got it from "The Amazing Randy."

"The what Randy?"

"I'll tell you over dinner. I've got something else you might want. Here," he said as he passed a new hairbrush into the stall.

"You really are amazing."

"So, you did hear me."

"Oh, I heard it," Suzy laughed. "I just didn't believe it, but I'm coming around."

Five minutes later Suzy emerged from the stall, her hair stuffed up under the blue sweatshirt. She rubbed the blue cotton for a minute or two and pulled it off her head. "Hold this please," she said as she bent over at the waist, shook out her hair and then, in a well-practiced motion, threw her head back. She reached behind to her back pocket and pulled out the brush, stroking the soft brown hair until all the knots were gone.

"I owe you a hat," said Randy. "Let's get you one and then walk down to the Corner House. You must be famished."

Suzy stopped at the first tent and chose a green baseball cap with the iconic picture of "The Old Man in the Mountains," a rock formation in the White Mountains, sixty miles or so up the road. Underneath the picture were the words "My Old Man."

Randy carried the two wet sweatshirts in a bag. Suzy reached over and dropped the hairbrush into the bag as she slung her new jacket over her shoulder and took Randy's arm. "Let's eat," she said. "I'm hungry."

A Romantic Dinner At The Corner House

The two made small talk as they walked to the Corner House, which was actually an old New England farm house, the kind with smallish additions attached every which way onto the main building, on the corner of the two main roads in Center Sandwich. It was busy. Randy walked up to the receptionist, shook her hand, and said, "Two, please. The name is Baumgardner." Then he whispered, "That small room I saw when we came in, the one with the single table... when those people finish their dinner, you will call us to that table."

"Let's go sit in the living room. There's a small fire in the fireplace. Would you like a drink?" Randy called the drinks waitress over and after showing his ID ordered a scotch and water for himself and a glass of white wine for his "date." As he handed the young waitress a twenty-dollar bill, he touched her hand. "You've seen her ID. She's of age."

The drinks came and Randy and Suzy both took a moment to whet their whistles.

"I'll bet that you have a few questions, Suzy. I do too, but you go first, for a while at least."

"OK. Let's start with 'How do you know those guys by name? Do you work for them as undercover security? You made me as soon as I made the lift didn't you?"

"Yes, I realized you'd taken my wallet before you were five feet behind me. From there, I followed you at a distance until I sat down next to you. As for the workers, you're half right. I used to work for the same company. I'm self-employed now."

"Table for Baumgardner," announced the hostess as she came into the room. Randy and Suzy stood up and were escorted to their table. Randy pulled back her chair and helped her snug up to the small two-person table. Suzy shook her head, mostly to herself. Randy knew why and said nothing.

They looked at the menus as Randy continued his story. "I was a carny up until a few months ago. Pickpockets are as common at carnivals and fairs as heartburn. The first thing you learn is how to spot them. For what it's worth, you're pretty good. What else?"

"Why are you doing this? I rip off your wallet and the next moment we're having a romantic dinner."

"Yeah, it is kind of romantic, isn't it? Feels that way anyway," said Randy as he looked across the intimate table at the pretty girl in the white linen shirt. "I hope you don't mind my saying it, Suzy, but you clean up pretty well. That shirt looks lovely on you.

Suzy could feel the form-hugging stiff linen against her body. "You can see my nipples, can't you?"

"Yes," said Randy smirking his best stage "bad boy" smirk, "Yes I can.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Why does any guy my age take a pretty girl out to a fancy dinner?"

"You're looking to get laid."

"Bingo," he laughed.

"You are so odd, she said, blushing.

"My turn," said the smiling young hypnotist. So far, he was doing pretty well, he thought to himself. He reduced his control to truth telling and a command not to draw attention.

"You don't have a North Country accent, Suzy. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Malden Massachusetts. It's a small city just a couple of towns north of Boston."

"Do you still live there?"

"No."

"Where do you live now?"

Suzy's eyes welled-up and a single tear worked its way down her cheek. "Nowhere."

Randy took his napkin, leaned over the table and gently patted the tear away. He took her hand in his and said softly, "Well, we'll have to see what we can do about that."

Randy allowed himself deeper access to Suzy's mind. She was telling the truth. Suzy had no money; she had spent the previous night huddled up behind a store in neighboring Moultonborough until the owner spotted her and shooed her away.

"Where'd you learn to lift wallets?"

"My boyfriend."

"Where's he now?"

"I don't know and I don't care. That asshole took off three days ago. I hope he gets hit by a fuckin' bus."

"How'd you hook up with him in the first place? Tell me the whole story. Hold up; here comes our dinner."

The waitress set the plates on the table. "Can I get you anything else?"

"Suzy, would you like another glass of wine?" The pretty brunette nodded her head indicating that she'd like a second glass.

"She'll have another glass of white wine." Just a cup of black coffee for me, please." The waitress left to fetch their drink order.

"Randy, are you trying to get me drunk?"

The young performer chuckled. "Not at all, but it looks like you're giving it a shot. Have I given you the impression that I'm looking to take advantage of you?"

"If you aren't, then you're the first guy my age who hasn't... in a long time." Her eyes dropped as she looked at her partially-eaten steak.

"Suzy, look at me." Randy stared his companion directly in the eyes. "I told you that you were safe with me and I meant it. If anything develops between us, you will be the one who makes it happen. That having been said, you are a remarkable beauty. I keep imagining what you'd look like in make-up."

"I haven't worn make-up in months."

"Want to break the streak? After dinner, if you'd like, we can stop at a drug store and you can buy what you need. I'll bet that if we do, you'll feel better about yourself. You're already pretty. Once you add make-up, you're going to move into 'knock-out' range."

"Are you planning on taking me somewhere? I assume that you have a car."

"Yes, and yes," Randy said. Then, "I remove all restraints except the one not to make a ruckus. Let's just talk to each other."

"I'm staying in a rental cabin on the lake in Ossipee; well technically, it's in Freedom, right on the Maine border. If you want, I'm offering you a place to stay tonight. It's already starting to get cool outside. The skies are clear. It's going to frost, I think.

"I'd like that. Thanks."

"Good. Want to do the make-up thing too? It might be fun."

"Yeah," she said smiling a smile that told Randy that she was beginning, not only to trust him, but to like his company.

"What made you hook up with your boyfriend..."

"Ex- boyfriend"

"...ex-boyfriend in the first place?"

"Don't laugh, OK?"

"Never," he said earnestly.

"He was good in bed."

"I didn't see that coming," said Randy.

"Yeah, she said wistfully, "it does seem a little silly, especially when you take a look at what it's gotten me."

"You mean, sitting across from me at dinner?"

"You know that I don't mean that."

"I do now."

"You may not believe this, Suzy, but lifting my wallet may end up being the best thing that has happened to you, lately at least."

"It already has," she said as she scooped the last fork full of mashed potatoes from her plate.

"Why don't I pay up and we go get you some lipstick?"

"Can I please have some dessert?"

"Of course, Suzy. I ate here last year. You're a native New Englander. They make a great bread pudding with caramel sauce. It's really, really good."

"Sure, thanks. I actually like bread pudding. My grandmother used to make it for dessert when I was young."

Randy ordered her dessert and asked for a coffee refill.

"Is she still alive?"

"No, she died last year."

"I'm sorry. Were you very close?"

"She saved my life."

"How so? If you don't mind my asking, that is."

"Randy, do you have any idea how long it's been since I've been with a guy who actually gave a shit about my feelings or was genuinely interested in my opinion?" Before Randy could answer, she added. "Sure, I'll tell you."

"My parents are both alcoholics, no, they're drunks, and have been almost all my life. My grandmother's house was always a safe place, non-judgmental and full of love. Towards the end of her life, I started living there full-time, taking care of her until she got so sick that she had to go into a nursing home. Nana had to sell her home to pay the bills."

"That left me shit-out-of-luck. There was no way I was going back to my friggin' parents' house. I'll put a bullet in my head before I ever go back there. I'll start hooking before I do that. They're dead to me and I'm dead to them."

She took a bite of her dessert. "You're right. This is delicious. You may have earned a peck on the cheek with this recommendation, for the whole dinner, in fact."

Randy gave his dinner "date" a broad smile, patted his chest, and said, "Heart be still."

Once Suzy had re-cemented her membership in the "clean plate club," Randy asked for the check, paid it in cash along with a healthy tip, and rose from the table. Once again, he helped his date up from her chair.

They left The Corner House and Randy offered his arm to the smiling, and now no longer famished pickpocket. It was moving toward sundown. Suzy put on her new jacket, but left it unzipped. Then, she undid a second button on the white linen shirt. Immediately, pressure from within spread the shirt apart, revealing just a hint of cleavage. Randy knew that there was only one reason to unbutton that button. She wanted Randy to look. Suzy took his arm, holding him close as they walked slowly back to the fair parking lot and Randy's rental car.

A Gazillion Stars

On the way back to his cottage, Randy stopped at a drug store. "Suzy, why don't you pick up some cosmetics while I get a few things? What kind of shampoo do you prefer?"

"Pantene, if they've got it. Actually, what I really would like is some conditioner."

"Done and done. Toothpaste?"

"Colgate or Crest."

"OK," said Randy as he moved three aisles over to do his shopping. As he searched for her preferences, he kept a weather eye out to see what Little Orphan Suzy would do now that they were separated. Would she bolt?

He returned to the cosmetics aisle and found Suzy trying to decide between hot pink lipstick and an equally vibrant bright red. "I can't make up my mind. Help me. Which one do you like?" she said.

"I like them both."

"Don't be a chicken," she chided. "Randy, I'm doing this for you."

"Don't do it for me, Suzy. Do it for yourself."

"Buck buck buck," she teased as she flapped her arms like a chicken.

"I'm no chicken," he said behind an obvious smile. "Pink."

"Pink it is, then. Give me another minute to get the rest. I'm a little rusty."

"Take your time. We're ten minutes from the cottage."

"I want to make sure that I'm worth waiting for," she said, openly flirting for the first time.

"Of that, Suzy," he said flirting right back, "I have absolutely no doubt." Scooping up a small make-up case, the pair moved to the register. Again, Randy paid in cash.

Ten minutes later Randy eased his car into the tiny driveway. "Were here," he announced.

Randy opened the door and set her things down on the kitchen table while Suzy made a bee-line for the bathroom. "Excellent," she said to herself, "there's a hair dryer."

She came out of the bathroom to find Randy making a small fire in the wood stove. He lit it after testing the draft with a burning piece of paper. "All systems 'go'," he said as he stood up to find Suzy leaning against a door frame, watching him.

She walked up to the hypnotist and kissed him full on the lips. "I was hoping you'd say that."

"Before Randy could return the intimate gesture, Suzy, clearly feeling better, much better, asked, "Does this place have hot water?"

"Yes," he laughed, "it does."

"Good. There's a hairdryer in the bathroom. I want to take a warm shower and do my hair and make-up. I promise not to take too long."

"I've heard that before. It's never true," said her host, "but who's in a hurry? It's six o'clock on a Saturday night. There's lots of evening ahead of us."

Suzy turned on the shower and Randy stepped outside and walked the twenty yards to the shore. The moon was absent, just past "new," and the sky was dark. He looked up, re-acquainting himself with the northern sky. His days emceeing the planetarium shows when he was in high school, actually only three years ago, came rushing back. He knew this sky like the back of his hand.

The screen door opened and then closed with that particular sound that cottage screen doors make when they slam shut.

"Randy, are you out here?"

"Down here. Put on your jacket and come down to the shore. Be careful, it's dark out. Take the flash light on the kitchen counter, but keep the beam on the path and shut it off as soon as you don't need it. I'll be sitting on the love seat. Come sit next to me."

Suzy snuggled in next to the master hypnotist. He held her close. "Whatever you do, don't look up until I tell you, but feel free to look at me."

She turned her face to look into Randy's eyes. The two kissed. Suzy backed off and put her head on his shoulder. "Randy," she said dreamily, "I feel like Cinderella. How long until midnight?"

"Cinderella has nothing on you, Suzy. Those are sneakers, not glass slippers. We have all night and tomorrow as well, if you'd like."

"I'd like. I'd like it a lot," she replied as she raised her head for another kiss. "Be my Prince Charming."

"Suzy, you said that your old boyfriend was 'good in bed.' Was there something he did, something special that you liked?"

"Yes and no," she said.

He gave her a squeeze and said "Not particularly helpful."

"I'm afraid that if I tell you all this will end."

"Have I judged you once since you pulled my wallet?"

"No."

"Why?" he asked, "would you think that I'd choose now to start? I'll tell you what. Let me show you something while you decide."

"Take a look up."

Suzy shifted her hips and sat up as she turned her gaze upwards towards the black and white display that is the majestic Autumn New Hampshire sky.

"Oh my God," she said, "there's a gazillion stars!"

"Well," chuckled the master hypnotist as his mind retreated to his time announcing the planetarium shows when he was in high school, "not quite a gazillion."

"Look directly up. Do you see that white streak that goes from horizon to horizon?"

"Yes."

"That's the Milky Way. It's the plane of the galaxy we live in. Our galaxy is flat, like a sunny side up fried egg. Our star is in the white part, about a third of the way out from the yolk."

"How do you know all this stuff? I thought you said you were a carny, not Carl Sagan."

"Suzy, it's possible to be two things at the same time, even for you. Want me to keep going?"

"Yeah," she said, "this is cool, but I want another kiss first. Kiss me like you want me."

"That's what I've been trying to do."

"I know. Your kisses couldn't be sweeter. Please give them more of an edge, like you really want me..." she drew in her breath... "no matter what I want."

Not Like Him, Better Than Him

Randy took Suzy by both arms and twisted her, roughly, as he planted a ferocious kiss on her soft lips, strong, demanding and filled with incendiary desire. "How was that?"