Ransom Divorce

RANSOM DIVORCE

Marty and Selma were getting ready to eat supper at home when the doorbell rang. Marty didn't have a shirt on, so he asked Selma to see who it was. He watched as Selma opened the door to find a man in a brown uniform with a package. The man asked if she were Selma Richards. When she said yes, he gave her a tablet to sign for the package he had. It was a relatively small package but larger than a jewelry box. She brought it into the kitchen.

"What is it, dear?"

"I don't know. I don't recognize the return address. It's definitely addressed to me, and address is correct, but I haven't ordered anything lately and it's not close to my birthday."

"Well, open it up. It's probably just a product sample. One of those anti-aging creams you keep trying."

"Don't make fun of me trying to look younger. Men don't have to worry about crow's feet and wrinkles like that. Like gray hair, men look distinguished while women look 'extinguished.'" They both chuckled.

Selma opened the box. She was surprised to see that there was a layer of dry ice around a small zip lock bag. After she took the dry ice off, she saw the contents. She screamed, dropped the bag, and then fainted.

Marty took her and laid her on the living couch. He got some ammonia to smell to awaken her. It took her a few seconds after recovering to remember what had caused her to faint. She asked nervously, "Did you see what was in the box, Marty?"

"Yes. It was a finger with a ring on it. It looks like a man's finger."

"I don't understand. Why would anyone send me something like that? If it was meant to be a joke, I see nothing funny about it."

"There's a note under the finger. Let me read it to you."

"Selma, you should recognize the ring. It's the one of the many gifts you bought for your lover, Jorge. Jorge has been bragging about what a good piece of ass you were and how he was going to get rich soon after you divorce your clueless husband. If you can afford an expensive ring like that for a scumbag like Jorge, you can easily afford a ransom of $100,000. We will be calling soon to make the arrangements for payment. Should you fail to do so, you will receive other body parts of his until we are paid. If you go to the police, we will only send you one other body part -- his penis since that's the part you seem to value the most. The finger is just a symbol of your need to take this seriously."

"Selma, is the note talking about Jorge Montenegro, the guy who works in the same office as you?"

Selma was crying hysterically. Marty waited for her to calm down.

"You cheating bitch! How long have you been having an affair with Jorge?"

"You were never supposed to find out. It has been almost a year. It started out as flirting that got out of hand. I really didn't mean for it to turn into an affair. It was more like temporary stress relief and a little excitement at first. We haven't been having sex that long, but it didn't take that long before the sex sort of became a habit. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."

"Forgive you? Right now, I have trouble not killing you. Shit! Do you love him? Is it true that you want a divorce so you can marry him? If so, I would really be willing to talk about it. In fact, it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk even if you don't want to divorce me."

"I never promised him that I would get divorced. He threatened to stop seeing me if I didn't say that was a possibility. I guess I love him to some extent but it's in a completely different way than I love you. Mostly, I like the exciting, secret sex he provided, but I don't care that much about him as a person. Certainly not as a prospective husband."

"So, there is a man you have had sex with that doesn't mean that much to you. Obviously, that must mean that you like to have sex with men that mean much to you. I have to assume I must not mean that much to you for you to have sex with someone else."

"No, no. Marty, you mean the world to me. I couldn't live without you. Please forgive me. I'll never cheat on you again."

"Selma, it was supposed to be 'I'll never cheat' -- period! We can talk about our quickly dissolving marriage in a minute. So, do you want me to call the police or what?"

"No. Don't call. At least not yet. We don't even know for sure if the threat is real or not. I'm going to try and call Jorge on his phone. Maybe it's someone's idea of a sick prank."

"Sure, people cut off their finger with an expensive ring and use them for party favors all the time."

"Hush, I'm calling Jorge's phone now." After several rings she got a recording that his cell phone was unavailable. She tried his landline at his apartment. This time, a man's voice, that did not sound like Jorge, answered. It was a recording. 'Jorge is not available to take your call. He has gone on a one-week cruise. He will not be reachable until he gets back. Don't bother to leave a message. Have a good day."

"Selma, do you really believe your boyfriend is on a cruise? I mean, he takes a cruise without you? Sounds like you picked a real winner."

"No, he couldn't afford a cruise. He barely makes ends meet now with what he has to pay his ex-wife in alimony and child support. I guess the voice was that was one of his kidnappers. Maybe Jorge's ex-wife is behind this. She is always hassling him about money."

"Now, do we call the police?"

"No. Didn't the note say that they would kill him if we talked to the police?"

"Well, they said they would cut off his penis to send to you. I kind of assumed that meant they would let him bleed out. By the way, do you think they could cut off his penis while he was erect? At least it would be useful to you in that state instead of if it was flaccid."

"Marty Richards, how can you be so crude and heartless? We're talking about another man's life being at stake."

"How can I be so crude, DEAR? Let me count the ways. Now, why am I supposed to give a flying fuck about the man who has conspired with you to cuckold me? I don't intend to pay some other low life scum a lot of money just to keep your lover intact. Now, I would be interested in contributing some money if they would return him without a penis, but certainly not $100,000."

"Marty, I told you he's not going to be my lover anymore. We're done no matter what. But it's my fault that he's been kidnapped. I owe it to him to pay the ransom and save his life, but after that, Jorge and I are done. I promise. I'll be the best wife ever."

"Okay, you can pay the ransom if you want to."

"Do we have that much in our checking account?"

"Whoa, that's a joint checking account. You're not spending any money that I earned. You will have to use your own money."

"But . . . I don't have that kind of money in my personal savings account. But you have lots more than that. Can I borrow . . . "

"No. No. and Hell no."

"What can I do to get the money then?"

"Well, you have things of value to sell. For example, you have your grandmother's jewelry collection. You've always said that was worth a lot."

"I couldn't do that. That collection is a family heirloom. I planned to give that to my granddaughter one day."

"Well, I guess we need to get a new freezer to put all the body parts in that will be shipped to us soon."

"All right, you don't have to be so nasty about it. I'll pawn my jewelry, but I doubt I can get anywhere close to $100,000 out of it. That's just the insured value."

"There's always your car. It's paid for and the title is in your name."

"What would I do for transportation if I sold my car? Would you buy me a new one?"

"Selma, I'm sorry if you've misunderstood my position in this matter. I'm not about to help finance the ransom so you can continue your ongoing cheating with your boyfriend."

"I'm not going to continue seeing him. I told you that."

"You also told me recently that you didn't have even have a lover. Remember a few weeks ago when I got suspicious of your working late. So, you were lying then but not now? Do you see STUPID written on my forehead?"

"I don't want to argue with you now. I have a man's life to worry about. Marty, you're a smart man. Put aside your hurt feelings for a while and help me figure out something that will save Jorge's life, please."

"Selma, I have no desire to do something that is in your selfish interest despite it might be considered humane by some. There is, however, something I just thought of that I would be willing to do to get you the $100,000 and serve my interests."

"What? Whatever it is, I'll do it."

"Okay, just sign divorce papers I will have prepared that say that you divorce me and will only receive $100,000 and your car as your part in the settlement. That way you can pay your lover's ransom, and you can drive him to wherever you two want to go afterwards."

"$100,000? That's a lot less than half of your assets. I could divorce you and get a lot more money than that in assets and alimony."

"Yes, you could. But it would take too long to save Jorge. By the time the divorce was finished, even if it's a quickie no contest divorce, you probably would indeed have more money and your boyfriend back -- but that would assume you could reassemble all the parts."

"Damnit! That's not fair to me to lose all that money just because I had a few months fling. You know I've been a good wife to you . . . most of our marriage anyway."

"Look at it from my perspective. You've probably been paying a lot of money to keep a lover on the side what with the hotel rooms, meals, and gifts. That ring is proof of that. Where did that money you spent on him come from? Mostly ME. So, I've unknowingly already paid plenty for him to help you cuckold me. I'm not willing to pay anymore TO him or FOR him unless I get some significant benefit out of it. When I think of all the times I've gotten sloppy seconds while eating your pussy, I . . ." Marty went and threw up in the downstairs bathroom. After he brushed his teeth and gargled mouth wash, he returned.

"Marty, you never got sloppy seconds. I cleaned myself thoroughly before we had sex or I just told you I had a headache. Marty, please, I don't know what to do. I need to figure out what to do."

"Fine, you think. I'll pack."

"Pack? Why are you packing?"

"Duh? Why does anyone pack? To move out. There will be a divorce. Make no mistake about that. The only question is 'Is your lover worth a quickie divorce or will you take a long divorce where you get more money, but your boyfriend becomes a human jigsaw puzzle?'"

"I wish you would quit with the smart-aleck remarks about Jorge being cut up. It's not helping."

"Hey, I could have said that your boyfriend just gave you 'the finger' but that would have been too crass." He watched as Selma stared daggers at him.

"Alright Selma, let's see, you wish I would quit making rude comments. Well, I wish I had a wife who hadn't cheated on me. I won't have one of those in the near future because I'll be getting rid of the cheating one I have now. It's only a matter of which route you choose to take. I'll stay at home another day to get the paperwork going for both scenarios. I'll also tell the bank to prepare the money, just in case. I'll make up a story about getting a special deal on a foreign sports car if I pay cash."

"I can't believe you can be so callous about another person's life even if it is someone who seduced your wife."

Marty was going to respond with questioning the 'who seduced whom' part of her statement when the phone rang. He told Selma to answer it.

"Hello."

"Hello, Selma. Have you and your husband decided to pay?"

"We've talked about it, but we have some questions. I need to talk to . . . "

"Wrong answer." He hung up. Selma started crying.

Marty consoled her then asked, "Police or freezer?"

"What?"

"Do you want to call the police or do you want to buy a new freezer for the incoming body parts."

"You asshole. There may not be enough room in the freezer for his body parts after I put yours in there!"

They spent that night in separate beds. The only other time that had happened in their marriage was when one of them was sick.

The next day was a Thursday. Both Marty and Selma had taken the day off from work. Selma stayed near the phone all day in hopes the man would call back and discuss the conditions for the ransom. Instead, it was the doorbell again. Selma was too afraid to go to the door. Marty went instead. He signed for the box that was about the same size as the previous box.

"I hope it's his penis. I would like to see what kind of penis you prefer over mine."

"Stop it, Marty. I don't prefer his penis over yours. Sex with you is just fine. It always has been. I just wanted something extra, something different."

"Here, it's addressed to you. Open it."

"No, you do it. If it's another body part, I don't want to see it."

Marty opened the box, removed the dry ice and held up the zip lock bag. "It's an ear. Boy, he has some long ear hairs. Maybe we can make a silk purse from them."

Selma stormed off. Marty heard the sounds of her throwing up which was soon followed by her crying.

She came back to the kitchen after a couple of hours. Marty spoke, "It's shit or get off the pot time Selma. I'm leaving in a couple of hours. I have had two petitions drawn up: The short one where you save a boyfriend and a long one where lose one boyfriend but gain money. Either way, read my lips: we are getting a divorce."

The phone rang. Selma raced to answer it. "Don't hang up. We'll pay. Don't hurt him anymore."

"That's more like it. Hundred dollar bills, non-sequential in a gym bag. You have 24 hours. We will call back then and tell you when and where to drop it." He hung up.

"Marty, can you arrange that?"

"Not until you sign the quickie divorce."

"When can you have the papers and the money ready?"

"This afternoon. The money can be ready after ten tomorrow morning."

"Okay. I really am sorry about this, Marty. I don't want to end our marriage at all, but certainly not this way."

"Obviously, you didn't want it bad enough to keep your 'forsaking all others' wedding vow."

The papers were signed when Marty's secretary, also a notary came in to certify the signatures. After a trip to the bank, Marty put the money put into the gym bag. Now they just had to wait for the instructions for the drop. The phone rang. The drop was to occur Saturday morning. The instructions were for Selma by herself to drop the money in a locker and leave the key in another place. They said if they see any sign of police, they may chop off something else or just kill him. She agreed to follow the directions.

When she came home after making the drop, Marty's car wasn't there. She thought he probably had to go to work to make up for taking the last couple of days off.

As soon as she entered the house, she saw the sheet of legal-sized yellow pad on the coffee table. Marty's ring was on top. The note was simple. "I hope you don't mind having a ring with no finger in it. I hope you have your lover back and he is not missing too many body parts. As for me, I have left. I have taken some time off before I move to my new job in another state. I left my POA with my attorney to sell the house and defend my interests in the divorce. You have 30 days to vacate. The divorce has been filed and cannot be amended or stopped. In sixty days, we will be divorced. I'm not going to say anything about the love I had for you or the happy days we had before you cheated. Your recent bad acts have cancelled out your previous good acts. The main feeling I have towards you now, however, is not hate. It's more like I just don't give a tinker's damn about you anymore. Marty."

Selma kept hoping to hear that Jorge had been released but as the weekend ended and no word came, she was fearful that she had paid a ransom for a dead man. On the Thursday one week from Jorge's abduction, she went to work as usual. Shortly after typing an email, there was a knock on her office door. It was Jorge! Selma fainted dead away.

When Selma woke up, Jorge and several others were standing over her. "Selma, are you okay? What happened?"

"Jorge? You're alive! And you still have your fingers and ears!"

One of the other staff said, "She must have had a concussion. She's delusional."

"Someone help me up. Then I need the rest of you to disappear. I need to talk to Jorge alone." They did as requested.

"Selma, what was that about my fingers and ears?"

"Jorge, I have been scammed. Someone sent me a finger with a ring on it just like the one I gave you -- the one on your finger now."

"They sent you a finger? How gross."

"I know. Then they sent me an ear later. I had to agree to pay a ransom to get them to release you. Where have you been?"

"It was really weird. I was called by my cousin who works at travel agency about a last-minute opening on a singles cruise. They offered me the ticket if I would agree to write and evaluation of the cruise -- food, entertainment, accommodations and so on. I didn't have time to do anything except pack. Once I got on the boat, my phone wouldn't work and ship to shore calls were so expensive. I assumed you would get the message on my voice mail about the cruise. Are you jealous that I went on a singles cruise? I mean, you're still having sex with your husband. I think it's only fair . . . "

"No, I'm not jealous. I'm mad I fell for the scam. I paid $100,000 to your kidnappers!"

"Wow, I'm impressed that I mean that much to you. Now if only we could get married."

"Unfortunately, we can get married. And, really unfortunately, I don't have any money. I had to divorce my husband and give up any further claim of assets to get the $100,000 to free you."

"You didn't get half? Half of what he had would be a lot more. That's what we were going to use when we went off together. Did he at least give you the house or are you selling it to give each other half?"

"I only got my car and the $100,000. I had to do a quickie divorce settlement. I don't have any money except the income from my job and my retirement. The only asset I still have is my car."

"Who do you think set up the scam?"

"I don't know. The caller left a note with the finger that said you had been bragging about marrying a rich lady. Did you?"

"I'm not sure. There was that night I got really drunk and was bragging about your looks and how good sex with you was. I guess I might have said you were wealthy. I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't do us any good. Now we don't' have anything. Marty sure got lucky. Oh, shit. Do you think that Marty set this whole thing up? That bastard tricked me out of my half of the money!"

"How could he have done all that? I didn't think he knew about us. It would have cost him a lot to get the guy to call you and pick up the money. And where would he have gotten a finger, a ring like mine, and an ear? In addition, he would have had to pay my cousin to lie and buy the cruise ticket."

"That expense wouldn't have bothered him. Especially, since he probably got back the $100,000 ransom back. I feel like such a fool."

"Can't you sue him?"

"Anybody can sue anyone for anything. I need evidence. I don't even know where to look."

"Talk to a lawyer. He might tell you what you could do."

"I can't afford a lawyer now. Wait. Maybe I can."

Jorge reported that a man, probably Marty, had called his cousin. The cousin said that the man told him he owed you a favor and that you were unwilling to take money from him. He sent cash to my cousin and wanted to make sure you thought it was luck he got the ticket rather than him paying me back. He had no evidence there to trace who the culprit was."

Selma pawned her grandmother's jewels to pay to consult an attorney. After she presented her case, he was not optimistic. She asked, "Would you take this case on a contingency basis?"