All Comments on 'Ravenswood Ch. 02'

Exciting start to a new series and great idea but there's a lot of repetition and errors which make it quite difficult to follow at places.

The comment on repetition - replaying the death scene had a bit more detail, but didn't add anything to the story; it would have been more poignant to say she continued to grieve for her father while she struggled to survive during those many weeks.

That said, you have me asking a lot of questions, which means you have my interest. Unless the uni is really small, an open carry of a weapon is likely to attract attention. You haven't said whether the scabbard is on her hip (most likely to attract attention), on her back, or simply carried in her hand. Lot of thoughts, and looking forward to where you take this tale.

Thanks for sharing. Keep writing. Slainté

I agree about openly carrying a sword not being a good idea. Also, you mentioned that she was 2 meters tall, that would draw attention, too. And she needs a place to live in order to bathe, because homeless = smelly. Anyway, you've got me interested in this character and I'm looking forward to seeing her progress in future chapters.

ZZChromosome, but the MC is half-alien, so the smell might not be as pungent to humans as a human who has been living in homeless shelters, etc. So, willing to give a pass there. The height would attract attention, making her stand out, and I missed that.

One of the supporting characters is going to have to figure out she's an illegal alien (even if they don't realize just how alien she is), and help her get fake documentation, as the college (or any other place with a bookkeeper) won't pay wages without an I-99 and photo ID to go with it. Depending on the city, there are underground sanctuary networks helping illegals get papers, as there are many trying to escape sex traffickers (especially eastern Europe, but elsewhere, too), slavery (a lot from Asia), or worse things from the country they fled (cartels, etc).

Awaiting next chapter. Slainté

First of all, 2 meters (6'6") is indeed excessively tall for a woman and I'm making that correction, it should be 1.75 meters (5'9"). Thanks to whomever it was who caught that.

Now, the weapon, it's a short sword, maybe 20" long, and for the sake of the flow of the narrative, I'm not going to include that information, it's not really important now, well, it is later, but that's later. How does she carry it onto a small college campus? It is wrapped up, looking more like a flat wooden stick than a sword. The librarian might notice or say something, or not. This isn't a large university, like Michigan State, it probably has under 2000 students... am I going to dwell on that? No.

And, the scabbard is bound to her backpack.

Next, you'll find out in the next chapter that she waits each morning to take showers in the gym, probably does her laundry then too.

Next, a scene as horrific as her father's cremation, which she had to do mind you, would play out in her mind again and again. So, no, not gratuitous at all.

Finally, the pay thing is an issue and I don't know how I will deal with that in the final book when this series is deleted from the Literotica pages in lieu of a published text. I can't see drilling down into the story and developing a series of underworld characters who specialized in nefarious paperwork for illegal aliens, it's 1932 for heaven's sake, although you don't find that out until chapter 5 or 6.

BTW, the sharp reader who figured out that she's only half Terrian gets a prize, they're right, but what half is the other half? Stay tuned.

but Euro was not a thing in 1932 fix one plot hole create another. Gave it 5s for the story, looking forward to reading the remaining chapters.