Rear Window Homage

'It's a bit like a human zoo out there, I guess. Look down there, for example.' I pointed to an office on the first floor. A man was just pulling the blinds and a girl was standing just behind him. 'I think they are having an affair as every day, they come into this room, he closes the blinds and half an hour later he opens them again, and she is trying to straighten her dress.'

'Or that flat over there, a singer lives there and practises in front of the mirror every morning. Or that flat over there, I think she's a dancer because she does a warm up routine every afternoon, generally wearing very little.'

Paul smiled and said,' Of course, not everything is what it seems.'

'Yes, you're right, Paul. We don't really know what goes on behind closed doors do we.'

For some reason he blushed as I said that.

What I quickly came to appreciate were our twice daily physio sessions. Of course, some of it was pure agony as he stretched and pulled and iced me to keep my muscles and joints supple and working as they should. Even those exercises were made bearable by the feel of his soft strong hands stroking and kneading my aching muscles. I rapidly began to look forward to those sessions as the highlight of my day. He promised one day to give me an authentic Thai massage but as that could be very tough it should wait for a while.

I noticed that it wasn't just his hands that were soft, he never seemed to show any sign of beard growth and his skin seemed to be in perfect condition. His hair he kept in a pony tail but one day he came out of the wet room while I was wheeling myself to the kitchen, with his hair hanging down and he looked transformed. It framed and softened his features and I could see what Lisa had said about him being pretty.

Lisa had popped in briefly a couple of evenings for a quick drink, and Paul visibly brightened when she was around. I thought that he was getting a big crush on her and when he was out of the room getting our drinks I told her so.

'Oh brother,' she said, 'you really don't know what's going on, do you?'

'What do you mean?' I asked but Paul walked back in and Lisa just rubbed my shoulder as if in sympathy.

Paul had his first day off on the sixth day he was with me. He had arranged for a relief carer to come in after breakfast and then he would be back later that night ready to start again the following morning. We had our usual breakfast of fruit, coffee and toast as he waited for the relief to arrive, before heading out the door carrying one of his suitcases. Just going to drop off a few things, he said. See you tomorrow morning.

The relief was a disaster. He thought of caring as more of a military assault course, barking out orders to me and treating me as some kind of obstacle that had to be attacked, surrounded and defeated. The physio sessions were agony. How this guy was tolerated as a carer I have no idea.

He completely ignored my wishes, not that he actually asked me what they were. It was his way or the highway as far as he was concerned. As the day wore on in increasing amounts of frustration I realised how much I missed Paul; his conversation, his smile, his soft hands and his caring personality were things that I had come to value.

At the end of the day I was praying for it to end so that Paul would be back. As I lay on my bed, unable to sleep after a horrible day, my mind started to spin. Why did I miss Paul so much? Was it just because of a rough day with someone new?

I knew some patients fall in love with their nurses, is that what's happening to me? I shook my head and thought, no, I'm not gay, I can't be, I like women too much.

Is Paul gay? Lisa had put that thought in my mind and I really didn't know. Did it matter anyway? I thought it must be just that I'm at a really low ebb and I'm fixating on the one person who is showing me care and attention.

I heard the outside door to the flat open which must have been Paul returning. I felt a huge surge of relief at the thought of him being back and I fell asleep almost immediately. It must have been about 2 o'clock in the morning when I awoke for some reason. My leg was aching badly after the physio from Mister Bloody Motivator and I knew that I had to get a painkiller or I would not get back to sleep. I realised with disgust that the bloody relief had left the tablets and a glass of water just out of my reach. The baby monitor was on; it's light blinking in the darkness. I could call for Paul but I should be able to do this for myself, for God's sake.

I bum shifted myself across the bed towards the table and reached out for the tablets, when I over balanced and fell out of the bed. It wasn't a long drop but I fell awkwardly and it felt as if I had been stabbed in the leg.

'Fuck, fuck, fuck.' I heard myself saying. I needed Paul now. 'Paul, can you come? I need some help.' I shouted.

Paul rushed into my room and said, 'Shit, what have you managed to do Jeff?'

'Fell on the bloody floor. What's it bloody look like?'

Paul ignored my sarcasm and calmly said, 'OK, let's get you back up and see what damage has been done.'

Paul bent at the knees to get his arms under my shoulders to lift me back on the bed and as his face came close to mine, I suddenly noticed a touch of colour around his eyelids that looked like eye shadow that had not been cleaned off properly, and there was, I'm sure, also just the hint of lipstick in the corner of his mouth. My eyes widened and I'm sure he noticed my reaction, but all he did was to lift me effortlessly back up and onto the bed.

Paul quickly checked and it didn't seem that anything bad had happened, apart from a severely bruised ego that is. He fetched me a painkiller and the glass of water, covered me with the duvet and stood looking at me for a moment. He was wearing pyjamas and as he bent over to pull the duvet up, even in the dim light I swear I could see a hint of lace as his pyjama top gaped open a fraction.

'Are you OK now?' he asked gently.

'Sure, thank you for getting me up so quickly. No harm done I think. I'll be a lot more careful in the future.'

'OK, well I'll see you in the morning Jeff, goodnight.'

'Goodnight and thank you, Paul.' I hesitated and said, 'Paul?'

'Yes Jeff?'

'Oh, nothing really, it can wait. G'night.' I would save that for later.

'Sure Jeff.'

I woke the next morning sore and angry with myself. How stupid had I been? I could really have seriously set back my recovery. After I finished feeling deeply sorry for myself, I remembered what I had seen when Paul came into my room last night. Had I really seen it, or was it a trick of the light and confusion because of the pain I was feeling? No, I was sure of what I had seen. There had been traces of makeup on his face and he had been wearing something lacy beneath his pyjamas.

Oh shit, I thought. What's going on? He must be gay, for sure. At that moment Paul knocked and came in with a coffee.

'Jeff, I thought that after your night time adventure we should skip this morning's physio session and see how you feel this afternoon?'

'Sure, Paul, if you think that's the right thing.' I was a bit short and he looked at me oddly for a moment and then left the room. Paul returned a little later to get me out of bed for my morning wash. I became much more aware of his close proximity when he helped me out of bed and into my robe. I was dreading the next step which was to get me washed. For the first time I was able to get out of my robe and to sit on the stool unaided.

Paul then began to wash me and I said, 'Can I try please, Paul?'

Paul handed me the wash cloth and stood back as I struggled to wash myself. I dropped the cloth and angrily said, 'Shit, bugger, arse.'

Paul picked up the cloth and asked. 'OK if I do it, Jeff?'

I nodded, not looking at him and he started. As usual the combinations of his hands and the gentle feel of the wash cloth across my skim had me cock hardening within seconds. I tried to think of anything that would keep me from thinking about what he was doing but to no avail. My cock was only interested in it's own pleasure, not it's owners embarrassment. I went a deep red and Paul just kept washing and making it even worse. I thought, he's enjoying this, making me have this reaction.

I said, 'That's enough Paul, can we finish now.'

'Whatever you want Jeff.'

He dried me off and then with my robe on he wheeled me into the living room to the desk. I opened up the Apple and started hammering away at the keys trying to get rid of my frustration. What was up with me, I knew he was gay and there I was getting an erection in front of him because he was touching me. God, what a mess. I couldn't think straight; why did I feel differently now I thought for sure he was gay? He had never been anything else but professional towards me and had not tried anything on. Oh that's fucking stupid, I thought, why does every straight guy think a gay guy is planning to grope him at the first opportunity.

Paul had many opportunities to do something but he had not. I really liked Paul before this happened and I missed him a lot when he was away. Was I secretly attracted to him? Is that why I got an erection? Hell, this was so confusing. I had ended up behaving like a complete jerk this morning and I didn't know what to think. Paul came in with coffee and laid it next to me on the desk. I didn't look up.

'Jeff, is there something wrong? Have I done something?' a simple question with a complicated answer. I didn't say anything.

'You seem very upset with me.'

I grunted and thought, I have to say something, this is childish of me.

I turned round and looked up at him. He looked worried.

'Paul, last night when you came in to get me up off the floor, I could see traces of makeup on your face. Are you gay?'

His face dropped and he sat down and put his face in his hands.

'I thought you might not have noticed. Oh God, I'm sorry, I'll call the office and get a replacement for me and I'll pack and leave today.'

He looked as if he was going to cry. I felt something lurch in my chest.

'Paul, please just answer the question.' I asked softly, and I hoped, gently.

He looked at me and said, 'do you really want me to?'

I nodded.

He looked out of the window, took a deep breath a said, 'Yes, I'm gay. Have been since I was thirteen. Satisfied?'

'And the makeup, Paul?'

He shrugged and said, 'Doesn't matter, I'm leaving anyway.'

'Paul, please tell me, I want to know.'

He was still looking away and then as if a barrier had fallen he started to speak.

'Not only did I know I was gay at thirteen, I started to wear women's clothes. First my mum's stuff, and then my sister's. I got caught, of course, and gave it up for while, but I kept getting the urge to go back. Mum sent me for treatment but that didn't work. When I went to college it was bliss, I could finally do what I had wanted to and dressed regularly.' He paused, his mind obviously back in the past.

'I didn't want to dress fulltime, I was happiest when I could choose who I wanted to be. I wasn't sure whether I was gay or bi-sex at that time. I liked men and women, and then felt more and more drawn sexually to men. You would not believe the number of straight men who like to go with a guy in a skirt.' I felt myself blushing but he wasn't looking at me.

'I've been the same ever since, I act pretty straight. I think, but I really like to dress whenever I can given the limitations of my job.' He stopped and looked across at me.

'I will go, no problem, but believe it or not I have really enjoyed looking after you, and I think you did too. So, if that's the case will you please not tell the company what I have just told you?' 'One more question, please, Paul. What about last night?'

His shoulders dropped and he looked away again, 'Well, I've told you everything else, so why not. On my days and nights off I go out dressed for the day, I'm passable at the least, and then go to a club or a bar, where I can be myself with others like me. That's where I was last night, just didn't clean my makeup off properly. I hoped you hadn't noticed, but I knew by the way you reacted this morning you had.'

He stood and went to go back to his room.

'Paul, please sit down,' I said in as neutral a voice as I could muster. He looked at me and then sat down again. I knew I should ask him to go.

'Paul, thank you for being so honest with me. I have enjoyed you being here and I couldn't ask for someone to take better care of me than you. I admit it was a shock last night and I didn't deal with it well this morning. I apologise to you for that.' I took a deep breath. 'I don't want you to leave; I would like you to stay if you feel that's OK.'

He looked at me trying to see if this was a trap, 'Jeff, are you sure?'

He seemed to be near to tears.

'Yes, Paul, I mean it, Will you please stay?' I smiled to show him I meant it.

'Jeff, oh yes, I would love to stay, thank you.' I could see his eyes glisten and he wiped away a tear. 'I won't let what happened last night occur again, I promise.'

'Paul, I really don't mind what you do. It's your life; you should live it as it you want.' He was on the edge of tears again.

'Thank you Jeff, this means a lot to me.'

I asked him, 'Do you have a name for when you, you know, are dressed?'

He looked very shy when I asked and said hesitantly, 'It's Paula, not very creative, but it's easy to remember.'

My heart was beating fast as I asked the next question, 'Can I meet Paula?'

Where the hell did that come from I thought to myself.

He stood dead still, I think, fearing I was having him on. 'Jeff, do you mean that?'

I nodded, my voice getting a little thick as I said, 'Yes, I would like to. How about tonight? Would Paula like to come to dinner?'

A big smile spread across his face, 'I'll have to check with her first, but I'm sure Paula would love to come to dinner with you.'

'There's just one thing,' I said, my face and voice deadly serious, 'Can I get a fresh cup of coffee, please?'

Pau collapsed in giggles and said, 'Coffee coming right up, sir.'

The day passed quickly, Paul was his usual professional self and after lunch I felt fit enough for a physio session. This was the first session after this morning's confession and Paul seemed a little hesitant in his massage but he seemed to relax as he sensed I was not at all concerned. His hands and fingers soon had their usual reaction and I almost fell asleep at one point.

It gave me time to think. Why had I asked for Paula to come to dinner? Curiosity, I thought, I wanted to see him as his other self. I thought about his growing up years and how confused he must have been. Even now to have child come out at that age must be difficult for parents to handle and the dressing must have made it extra tough. I thought that he seemed to have grown into his skin pretty well. Was I worried about tonight?

Yes, I was a bit nervous that he would look like a bloke in drag but I would have to deal with that if it happened. I was comfortable with Paul and I hoped I would be equally so with Paula.

The session finished, Paul wheeled me back to the desk with a cup of tea. I had a brainwave and suggested that instead of Paul, or Paula, cooking tonight we should order a takeaway. Paul frowned and asked if I didn't like his cooking. I laughed and said that I loved it but it would be better if I met Paula tonight without her having to cook too. He eventually agreed and I ordered from my usual Indian takeaway.

Paul left me alone after that and we agreed that dinner would be at eight, with a drink at 7.30 first. I did some work for the rest of the afternoon and then watched some mind numbing TV for a while. I was nervous and I couldn't imagine what Paul must be feeling. At 7.30 I was doing some people watching through the window as I heard the door to Paul's room open.

'OK, I guess I'm ready.' The voice was somehow Paul's and then not Paul's at the same time. I turned the chair round fearing for the worst and my mouth dropped open. What confronted me was not a bloke in drag but a beautiful woman. If Paul was weedy as a man, he was just gorgeous as a woman. Holy shit, I thought.

'Well, what do you think? I'm Paula, by the way.'

I realised I still had my mouth open and closed it rapidly. 'Hi, I'm Jeff and I'm very pleased to meet you Paula. You're absolutely gorgeous.'

Paula blushed and murmured, 'Thank you. Can I get you a drink?'

'Scotch please, better make it a large one.'

It gave me a chance to look at Paula properly. Her hair was hanging loose over her shoulders and she was wearing what I guessed was called a little black dress. It was sleeveless, with a vee neck, and fell to about six inches above her knees and absolutely hugged her figure. My God, she actually has a figure, and her legs were to die for. She was wearing a small gold chain round her neck with a locket, drop earrings, a gold bracelet on one wrist and a tiny watch on the other. She had on dark tights and some very expensive looking heels. I just couldn't believe my eyes and I could feel a stirring in my trousers at was seeing and I had to shift in the chair as I was getting uncomfortable.

Paula turned round with our drinks and she came across and sat on the sofa opposite me and crossed her legs. If I wasn't uncomfortable before, I surely was at that point.

'Well, what do you think, Jeff?'

I took a moment to compose myself, 'Paula, if I wasn't seeing you with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe it. I mean you are stunning.'

'Thank you, that's very sweet of you to say so. I was so nervous getting ready tonight, I thought I might have over done it.'

Her makeup was light but she had used it to highlight her eyes and mouth. I think she had plucked her eyebrows because there was a definite arch to them tonight. She had used eye shadow that drew your attention to her eyes and she had on a light pink lipstick that made her mouth look very kissable. God, did I just think that? At that moment Paula ran her hand back through her hair and that nearly did for me. It's a gesture that gets me every time when a woman does it. The stirring had definitely become much more than that.

Luckily, the door buzzer went and Paula walked across to the intercom and buzzed in the delivery guy with the food. I watched her as she walked across to the door and there was no trace of masculinity in her stride or bearing. She looked as feminine as could be.

Paula retuned with the food and she sorted out plates and cutlery for the food and we tucked in at the table. I asked her to open a bottle of red wine and she came back with two glasses. She said she wouldn't normally on a school night as she put it but it might settle her nerves a bit. I told her she shouldn't be nervous, I was delighted to be having dinner with such a beautiful lady. She tipped her head and looked at me out of the corner of her eye and said thank you and that she appreciated it.

The wine relaxed us both and we were soon laughing and joking as Paul and I did. From time to time I caught a glimpse of Paul in her but it was obvious that Paula was an individual and much, much more than Paul in a dress. She talked about when she was in Bangkok getting some cosmetic work done; smoothing her Adams apple and some implants on her hips. She had taken hormones for a many years but was now happy with what they had achieved so took a lower dose these days. She pushed her chest out and said quite proudly that they were entirely natural.

I had already noticed she had boobs and asked how she kept them hidden as Paul.

Easy, she said, they are not big enough to make it a real problem under the loose tunic Paul wore as long as she bound them up in the morning. Same with the hips, it doesn't notice in the work outfit either. Eventually, she stood and said it's late and we still had to get me ready for bed. Even that coming from Paula sounded very different.