Red As Love

Thing is, I don't want to see you or talk to you. It hurts. I live in a broken family now and you are the one who broke it. It's better when I don't see you. It hurts less.

You chose that Andy guy over us. Well mother, you can't have that guy and me at the same time. You have to choose.

You have lost Dad and you could lose me too.

If you love me, leave that guy and come back home. If you don't, I don't want to see you again.

Red

I gave the letter to the counselor, and we talked about what I wrote. That weekend mom didn't call to pick me up.

I would like to say that I missed her, but the truth was that it was easier to carry on with my life if I didn't have a weekly reminder of the way things were and what had happened. I hated this new life. If I didn't see her I could pretend she was away visiting her mother in Florida.

The next week before my visit to the counselor, Dad told me.

"Your mother is going to be there. She wants to talk with you about the letter you wrote to her."

"But Dad! I don't want to talk to her!" I protested.

"Then sit down and listen."

When I entered Mr. Erickson's office Mom was already there.

"Hello, Red. Come in. Your mother is already here."

Each chair was positioned to face the two other chairs, somehow like the three sides of a triangle. I did my best to move my body into a position where I wasn't facing my mother.

"Hello, Red." My mother greeted me.

I didn't bother to answer. I didn't even look at her.

"I read your letter, Red. I read it several times." Her voice faltered, and she stopped. "I want to thank you for being honest with me and telling me what you think and how you feel."

I ignored her even when I had a lump in my throat. I knew she was suffering and it made me feel bad.

"Mr. Erickson and I have been talking, Red. We both think it's in your best interest to give you some space." Mom let out a cry of pain. "I won't force you to visit me if you don't want to see me. I understand your reasons, son."

Now she was crying, I turned my head to face her. There were tears running down her cheeks. I was crying in silence too.

I wanted to say something, I wanted to comfort her, but nothing came out. Nothing sounded right in my head.

Mom wiped the tears with a tissue and said in a cracked voice, "Things are no going well for me here in Middletown. I can't get a job. Everyone knows what happened and they don't like me. Your dad's family, the Hardings, had been living here for five generations since the first settlements."

I knew that. I had to draw a family tree for school.

"Andy's situation is not much better."

I flinched when I heard the guy's name and she saw it. She lowered her head, looking at the floor and muttered, "Sorry."

She wiped the tears from her eyes again.

"The manager at the bank he works in strongly suggested that it would be in his best interest to ask for a transfer."

That was good news for me. If he were leaving, Mom would be alone again and we could finally be a family again. My plan had worked. However, my mother next words crushed all my hopes.

"We are leaving Middletown, Red."

I opened my eyes in surprise.

My mother was leaving me again.

She was choosing that asshole over us again.

I crossed my arms on my chest and looked down. I felt new tears sliding down my cheeks.

"I'm not leaving you, Red. We are moving to a nearby town. It's just one hour drive from Middletown. If you want to see me I'll come here in a heartbeat. You can also write to me or call me on the phone. I'll send you an email as soon as I'm settled."

She stood up and walked to my chair to give me a kiss on the cheek and a tight hug.

"I love you, Red," she whispered in my ear. I could feel her tears on my neck.

"Please, Mommy, don't go!" I pleaded in my head. My lips parted as though I wanted to say something, but no sound came out. The words got stuck in my throat.

She finally let me go, shook Mr. Erickson's hand and thanked him.

I stood up. I knew her heart was breaking; my own heart was breaking too.

I knew I could stop everything just saying one single word. I tried to call her as she walked away from me and from my life, but my brain was frozen. I couldn't believe this was happening. I stood there, crying in silence, shaking like a tree on a windy day.

"Come on stupid, call her out! Ask her to stay!" my brain shouted out.

I couldn't. My lips and my tongue refused to cooperate. I was weeping in silence, like a statue when it rains, trapped in my own scheme.

I watched my mom walking away from the counselor's office and walking away from my life. Then, she crumbled to her knees and cried her heart out. Her brave face disappeared. Mr. Erickson hurried to close his office door, but not before I heard her screaming in anguish.

I lost a big part of my innocence and my childhood that day.

****

Once Mom was settled, she wrote me an email at least once a week. The first year I read them and answered them. Just a few lines telling her how I was doing at school. Mom's mails were full of domestic news and pleas for forgiveness. It was too painful to read about her new life away from us. At some point, I stopped answering them. Slowly our relationship faded away.

She never mentioned her new husband, except when she told me that they got married when the divorce was final. The last news I read was she was studying to become an Administrative Services Manager.

Mom sent me a present and a card on every birthday and every Christmas till I went to college. I did the same for her but that was the extent of our relationship.

Ignoring my mother was an attempt to distance myself from my own pain and anger. I blamed her for everything that was wrong in my life.

My father took a long time to recover. The first months, he was unable to create a new life for himself. He withdrew from everything and became dedicated entirely to the farm. I suppose he was trying to work his rage out.

Every single woman around came to the house bringing us different kinds of food during the first months. Dad usually thanked them, made some small talk and excused himself to go milk the cows, leaving me alone to deal with the disappointed lady.

Dad was, and always will be, my hero. Seeing him so broken, watching him age 10 years in mere months was something that added fuel to my resentment of my mother.

CHAPTER 5

Years passed. I became a loner. My old friends got the message and left me alone. I was quiet and polite. People would say I was shy. Truth was I just didn't care. I became an observer rather than an actor. I stood away from most of the typical high-school groups. I didn't fit in any of them.

My dad asked me how I was doing and feeling every day, even when I didn't show any signs. I kept getting good grades and hanging out with boys my age when I had to.

"Are you okay, son?"

"Yeah, I am Dad."

None of us was much of a talker. He never pushed me to talk about my feelings, but he let me know he was there for me if I needed him.

I remember how embarrassed I felt the first Parents' Night when only Dad came with me. I'm pretty sure Dad felt the same way.

One of the teachings my parent's divorce had taught me was that 'happily ever after' didn't really exist. I became the cynic in the back of the cinema who couldn't buy into the idea of the couple riding off into the sunset. I found it hard to trust people, especially girls.

Well, all girls except for one.

My crying and brooding place was a big weeping willow back by the creek. It had a big fork up among the branches where I could sit and view the farms and the forests all around, completely hidden from everyone. It seemed fitting to have a secret crying place in a weeping willow.

I would sit there brooding and listening to the wind rustling in the leaves.

"Red?" a female voice asked from below. "Red, is that you?"

I looked down at a skinny girl dressed in raggedy clothes. It was Katherine. We weren't exactly friends, but we'd known each other since Junior-High.

"Kat?"

She looked as if she was in pain.

"You look like you were crying," she said.

It had been my birthday. It was one of those days in the year when the anger and frustration became so unbearable that I stayed away from everyone. My eyes were probably red and puffy. It was obvious that I'd been crying, like it was that she was in sad too.

"Yeah, well, it sucks to be me," I said with a shrug.

She climbed the tree and sat at my side. She gently raised her sleeves to reveal massive bruising on the inside of her arms. She lowered the sleeves back again.

"What happened to you?" I asked, swallowing hard.

"It sucks to be me too." She said.

When you suffer you easily recognize the suffering of someone else. And the shared pain created a bond between us.

"Do you come here to cry?" she asked.

I just shrugged.

"I cry here too." She admitted.

"Sometimes, I wish my parents wouldn't have divorced" I said. "I didn't think my mother would ever leave Dad for another man. Dad was never the same after that. He never recovered. His pride took a serious hit."

She nodded.

"I wish my father was dead," she said in a barely audible whisper. "It doesn't take much for him get drunk and lose control."

In a small town like ours there were no secrets. I made a few discreet enquiries and discovered that Kat's father was a gambler and a drinker who was always angry and abusive. At times, if he had lost money in a poker game, he used to get drunk and beat the shit out of Kat's mother. Kat had gotten her bruises trying to prevent her father from hitting her mother.

It was said in hushed voices that Kat's mother had started to drink too. The police showed up several times at the Davis trailer, but Kat's mother always refused to file a police report.

"Why don't you tell the school counselor about your family situation?" I asked Kat once.

"This is the way things have always been, and there's nothing I can do. It's my fault because I try to stop him beating from my mother."

"Kat, this is not your fault."

She shrugged. "Can we talk about something else, please? Anything else?"

"Whatever you say, as long as you know that if you need someone to talk to about this, you can talk to me."

Acting on impulse, she hugged me.

"I'm happy spending time with you, Red; there's nothing I can do to change my life or my situation."

I think she was afraid I would go to her house and kick her father's ass, or worse, that I would leave her alone because she was too flawed.

Kat and I became good friends. My first post-divorce friend. With time we relaxed around each other. There were no secrets between us. I could talk with her about anything, about the divorce and about my feelings. Kat never made fun of me or thought I was stupid for feeling the way I felt. No matter what I said. Kat was really good at comforting me when I was upset or sad. I did the same for her.

"Here's a little secret between you and me: I hate Christmas," I told her when December came. "My Dad tries to look happy without succeeding."

"I hate it too." Kat agreed. "Everything around you is wrapped in green, red and white lights, sending the message that you should be happy and joyful It can feel especially lonely to have moments where you feel like an odd Grinch out."

"Exactly! I listen to lots of boys and girls telling me about the presents they're going to get. Why do my presents no longer mean to me as much as they did?"

That winter Kat grew some inches and developed curves, and guys started to notice her. The popular girls let her hang with them, because she was kind of pretty and boys were attracted to her. She was never part of the elite, but her presence was tolerated.

Our talks at the willow tree become sparser till I was alone again.

I never held it against Kat. In fact, I was happy for her. She didn't look happy with her new group of friends, but that wasn't my problem.

During my Junior Year, Janice, the leader of the popular girls, started pursuing me relentlessly for weeks.

She left me notes in my locker, all decorated with hearts saying things like: "Red, you seem pretty lonely. I would like to get to know you and be your friend."

I had no idea why she was doing it. Maybe I was a challenge for her. I was pretty sure that everyone in high school thought I was a loser. I wasn't a jock, I wasn't popular, and I wasn't even open or easy going. I never thought any girl would be interested in me, much less a girl like Janice.

Somehow, she found a way to pass through my defenses. She kept following me around. Sitting with me at lunch. Writing me notes. She literally wore me down. I slowly responded to her chase. I'd never had a girlfriend, and she wouldn't leave me alone.

One day she walked with me and we made some small talk. I didn't make any move on her. Finally, she exclaimed, "Aren't you going to ask me out?"

I stopped in my tracks and asked, "Why do you ask me that? Do you want to go on a date with me?" I looked at her as if she had grown a second head.

"Why not? You are kind of good-looking. We can go to the drive-in cinema. Do you have a car?"

"I can borrow my Dad's pickup truck."

"Good. That's settled. Pick me up Friday at 7 PM."

So, on our first date we pretended to watch a movie and made out in the truck. She would only let me get to first - just kissing. Janice insisted on that.

We had a second date, which was a repeat of the first one. Different place, but Janice got me all worked up and then wanted to go home. I was confused - did she like me or not?

Next Friday, I found a note from Janice in my locker:

Red,

I thought about doing something special for our third date.

Meet me at the lake at midnight, in that bait stand behind the dock.

Love

Janice.

She had drawn two hearts with our initials.

I was so overcome by lust and had fallen under Janice's carefully woven spell, that I didn't think about anything but burying myself so deep inside her it would take an act of Congress to get me out.

Janice was already waiting for me when I got there. I squeezed my eyes shut, and my stomach started to feel funny. She looked really hot in a very short skirt.

"Hi, Red. I'm glad you came." She said in a low sensual voice.

"Damn, you look gorgeous, Janice," I said, picturing her gorgeous body beside me at the prom in my mind's eye. Naked, sex-sweaty, and lying underneath me. My cock stood at attention.

"Why, thank you!" She said with a smile, batting her eyes. "Come, follow me."

I smiled nervously and foolishly followed her. Janice lured me to her secret spot and asked me to undress with the promise of sex.

She had the place set up with a blanket, candles, flowers and music.

I stripped off my shirt, my sneakers and my socks.

"Now take off your pants, Red... slowly," she moaned.

I took a step backwards, pulling my belt and sliding it out of my pants.

I paused because Janice was still fully clothed, apart from a few buttons of her top undone.

"Go on, I'm enjoying the show so far," she urged me.

I undid the button of my pants and started to pull down the zipper when a girl jumped out of a nearby bush and shouted, "Red, don't do it! It's a joke!"

Almost immediately, a group of girls leapt out with her phones, pointing at me and started to snap picture after picture, laughing out loud.

I never saw it coming. I was foolishly, blindly, stupidly horny for her. I quickly pulled up my zipper and grabbed my shirt.

Kat ran to my side and grabbed my sneakers.

"Really? You asked me out as a joke, Janice? What's wrong with you?" I shouted at her. "What kind of sick monster are you? Do you think it's funny to play with my feelings?"

Janice ignored me, she was furious with Kat.

"You ruined everything, trailer trash! You're banned from our group!" she screamed at her.

"You're banned forever!" her girlfriends echoed.

"Good, I never liked any of you!" Kat screamed back. "You're nothing but a coven of witches doing voodoo magic with your menstrual blood every month."

"You're going to pay for this, hayseed!" Janice kept screaming.

"You're going to pay!" The girls kept repeating Janice's words like a Greek chorus.

"Uhhhh, I'm shaking in fear, queen bitch. Bring it on. If you piss me enough, I'll probably ask my father to pay a visit to your mom," she yelled at the top of her lungs.

That certainly shut them up.

They all ran out cussing and screaming.

I put my shirt back on, looking at Kat.

"You got on the wrong side of your girlfriends for me, Kat. Thanks. I owe you a big one."

"They weren't really friends, not true friends like you and me. They weren't even nice to me. I was already tired of hanging out with them, they treated me like their maidservant."

"What was their plan?"

"Janice was planning to make you strip naked. She picked the lake beach because it is cold at night, no one is here and it's a long walk back to town, mainly in the dark. They were going to take your clothes and your pickup truck keys, make you beg for them while they filmed you and took naked pics of you to post in their social media accounts to humiliate you. Then they would leave you stranded here, forcing you to walk back home naked."

"That bitch!" I snapped. "Why did they pick on me?"

Kat shrugged.

"Because they are cruel? Because they feel they are better than the rest? Girls like Janice prey on those they perceive as weak or different." She offered. "Those of us who are not popular are always picked on."

I just nodded, putting my socks and sneakers back on.

"Come on. I'll drive you back home. I left Dad's pickup truck parked not far from here."

She let out a sigh of relief.

"Goody, I was already thinking I would have to walk all the way back home by myself."

"Nah, you saved me. You deserve a pizza and a milkshake at least."

"Sounds good to me, Red. By the way, it feels good to be friends again."

We hugged. It was a warm hug, one that warmed my soul, not just my heart.

"I never forgot the warm feelings I had when we talked at the willow tree." I told her.

"Me neither."

She bumped my hip, and I bumped hers back.

Of course, the next day everyone knew about the practical joke. However, the prank backfired on them. Janice's group tried to make fun of me using some of the pictures they took. Surprisingly the photos didn't damage my reputation, just the opposite. I was a farm boy, I worked hard helping Dad and doing my chores and I was in very good shape. Except for the surprised look on my face, I looked pretty good in those pictures.

Most of the girls were more interested in dating me than laughing at me. It took some time till they left me alone. I never enjoyed being in the spotlight.

CHAPTER 6

We resumed our friendship where we left off. At first, we didn't move out of the friend zone. I wasn't quite ready to admit the depth of my feelings for Kat.

Although we never were officially boyfriend and girlfriend, the closeness we developed felt securely cemented. We did everything couples usually do, except that neither of us considered we were dating.

Senior year arrived sooner than any of us had anticipated, and thoughts turned to graduating school, and me going to college. Kat and I both turned eighteen, and it was time to start thinking about our future.

Dad and I were as close as ever. He was still my hero. He taught me to be a man of my word. He usually kept his nose out of my life and I returned the favor.

So I was surprised when he said to me, "They say you and the Davies girl are going out together, Red."