Red As Love

Dad neither encouraged me nor discouraged me.

"Red, the kind of relationship you want to have with your mother was always your choice." He said after I explained my plans to him. "I didn't say anything when you decided to give her the silent treatment, and I won't say anything now if you decide to reconnect with her. If seeking her out is something you feel you need to do, then you have my blessing. Just keep her out of my way."

However, finding my mother proved to be harder than expected. The only email address I had was closed. Her phone number was no longer in service. My letters were returned, stamped 'no such person, address unknown'.

I decided to look her up on the internet. There were no social media accounts in her name.

Finally, I gave up and hired a P.I. to find her. A week later, he informed me that she was living in a town 100 miles away from Middletown. The report included an address and a phone number.

So, with a heavy heart and trembling stomach, I finally worked up the nerve to call a woman whose absence from my life had affected me so badly. I was surprised by how easily I still recognized the sound of her voice. At first, she couldn't believe it was really me who was calling. My voice and my hands were shaking. Then, when she realized it was really me, and that I wanted to see her, the waterworks started. When she calmed down, after the usual pleasantries, we settled on a day that I would come to see her.

On the day of the meeting I went through my closet. What do you wear when you haven't seen your mother in more than 10 years?

Kat and Tony wished me luck. They both offered to come with me, but this was something I had to do alone. Things between Kat and I were much better. Her therapy sessions were slowly starting to make a change in her. We started to walk to the old willow tree holding hands every day. Some days we talked non-stop. Some days we just held each other in silence.

When my mother answered the door, I thought she had changed a lot. She looked thin and pale. Her skin looked sallow and sick.

I stood there a moment, uncertain. I wasn't sure what I'd been hoping for when I'd come here. I finally found my voice.

"Hello, mother. You look..." I was going to say 'good', but it was obviously a lie, so I said the first word that came to my mind, "...thin."

"Well, having cancer does wonders for your figure." She replied with a sad smile.

I was stunned. There was an awkward silence as I stood there in disbelief.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean..."

She waved my words aside.

"You look very handsome, Red. Please come in. I made tea and chocolate cake."

She lived in a small apartment, a bedroom with a kitchen and living room connected.

"I'm glad you finally called me, Red," she said, pouring some tea in my cup. "It's green tea. It's supposed to boost my immune system. I have coffee if you don't like it."

"Green tea is fine." I added some sugar and took a sip. "I'm sorry it took me so long to contact you, mother. Stubbornness runs in the family."

She gave me an understanding smile.

"I never held it against you, Red. You were an innocent victim in a bad situation."

I took another sip of my tea and asked. "Are you married?"

She shook her head. "I was, but I'm not anymore."

"What happened with...?"

"Andy and I divorced years ago," she explained.

"I'm sorry things didn't work for you. What happened?" I wasn't really sorry, but it seemed the right thing to say.

"We wanted a family of our own. We tried, but I couldn't get pregnant. They performed tests on both of us and discovered I had ovarian cancer. Whatever punishment I deserved for my sins started that day." She lowered her head and let out a long sigh.

"I'm truly sorry to hear that, mother." This time I really was. "I'm sorry about my previous comment too. It was really thoughtless."

"Forget about it, Red. You were surprised to see me like this after all these years. You have grown yourself into a handsome man."

"Thank you, mother. Please go on."

"Well, Andy walked with me every step of the road till I was cancer-free. However, he wanted a family of his own and we went through a messy divorce. Last thing I heard through the grapevine was that he is single now."

"It seems he didn't get any punishment for his sins."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. Studies also show that his testicles were damaged so badly that he couldn't father of a baby. A week after I moved out of the farm he was beaten up very badly. He spent some time at the city hospital and even more time in rehab. That precipitated our decision to move out of Middletown."

"I never knew about it."

"Well, your father wasn't going to tell you about it, and you weren't talking to me at all."

"Do you think Dad had something to do with it?"

"Good for Dad if he had," I thought.

My mother shrugged. "Probably. The police didn't really investigate it. Ten people, including a judge, swore your father was with them at the time of the beating."

Mom sipped her tea and continued her story, "Anyway, I was cancer free for some years. I focused on my work and I lived my life through my friends and their families. I became 'auntie Ginger'."

She smiled at the thought, but then her expression was clouded over by sadness.

"Now the cancer is back to finish what it started years ago."

"You don't have to face this alone. I want to be here for you."

She got teary-eyed.

"Thank you, Red. That means more to me than you can imagine. However I'm not alone. I have friends and a support net. I can't ask you to do this for me."

"You're not asking me, mother. I'm offering. I really mean it."

"Thank you, Red. I don't deserve your help, but I'll take it just to keep seeing you."

I bit my piece of chocolate cake.

"What happened between you and Dad?"

She nodded as if she was expecting that question.

"When I was young, I was a silly teenager trapped on a farm. You know my mother gave birth to me when she was almost forty. I was like a miracle because mom was told she couldn't get pregnant. I was a spoiled only child. However, I was alone and bored most of the time. I was suffocating. I was unhappy. Foolishly, I expected people to prioritize my needs above their own. I used to fill my mind with romance stories. I was always dreaming about a prince coming to take me away from my boring life. So when your father showed interest in me, I saw him as my chance to be rescued."

She shook her head and her lips curved in a sad smile.

"However, I only changed one prison for another. Living with a farmer was a hard life. I was barely 19 years old, and I found myself being a housewife and, a couple of years later, a mother. I wasn't ready for any of those roles. So I kept living in my fantasy more than I was living in reality. I watched movies and read romance novels all day. When I met Andy, I imagined our forbidden love was just another of my stories."

"Did you ever love Dad at all?" I asked, trying to hide the disgust in my voice.

"That's a tough one. I did love your dad, but not as he deserved to be loved. He was a good man and a great provider. He wasn't very good at expressing his emotions, but he was a loving man in his own way. I tried to be a good wife for him, but I'm positive I failed. I wasn't the best of mothers either."

I wasn't going to argue with her about that.

"When you left, I had tremendous feelings of abandonment and rage towards you. I resented what you did to us. Why did you cheat on Dad?" I asked her.

"Plain and simple selfishness. I was a very selfish woman back then. I treated your father as if he was simply there to serve me, to give me what I wanted, to make my life easier. I wanted a different life and simply ran away with the first man that offered it to me. What I did was never about hurting your father or you, but about doing what I thought was best for me. Of course, I was naïve thinking you wouldn't be hurt. The silent treatment you gave me forced me to face the consequences of my actions. It was brutal and certainly snapped me out of the fog I was living in at that time."

She wiped her eyes.

"Was it worth it? Were you happier with him?"

"I wish I could say I wasn't, but the truth is I was happier with my new life than living at the farm. I started having a real social life. I took some adult classes and started to work. I was happy till the karma train rolled all over me."

I looked at my mother not knowing what to say to her. She didn't mind wrecking her husband's and her son's lives to pursue her own happiness. I had given my mother two options in the letter I had written to her: your family or your lover. At that time, I thought she had chosen her lover. Now I realized she had gone for option number three, she had chosen herself.

Her eyes were watery and I just kept staring. After a few seconds she was finally able to catch her breath and said, "Red, as I said, I was very selfish. I looked out for my own happiness and I hurt you and your father in the process. For that, I'm truly sorry. You both deserved better."

When it was time for me to go, I had a lot to digest. I'd gained some answers to my questions, but I wasn't sure what to do with them.

"I love you, son," she said. "I always have. Maybe not as you deserved to be loved, but I did the best I could."

"I know," I said, "I love you too. For what it's worth, I forgive you."

Her eyes got wide in surprise. I knew she wasn't expecting that. By forgiving my mother, I freed myself from the anger of the resentment I'd been carrying for a big piece of my life.

Her eyes got instantly wet and quaky.

"Can I hug you?" She asked me with a pleading look on her face.

"Of course, you can."

She gave me a tight hug and I found myself hugging her back. She sobbed in silence on my shoulder.

We agreed that we both wanted to stay in touch. We talked on the phone, and I drove to the hospital to be with her during her last days. Kat came with me sometimes. Tony did too. I got to tell her about my life and what had happened since she left. I purposely left Dad out of our talks. Mom understood what I was doing and never asked me about him.

The last time I saw her, I knew she didn't have much time left. Her doctor said it was a matter of weeks. The cancer had invaded her body.

"Don't cry for me, Red. I'm going to a better place. Life is too short to waste your time looking sad."

"I love you, mom," I told her with tears in my eyes.

"I love you too, Red. One of my many regrets is that I never told you enough how much I loved you," she said in a whisper.

I'll always remember her parting words.

The next morning I got a call informing me that she had passed away during the night. She was heavily sedated and she died in her sleep. I was surprised. It wasn't supposed to happen so soon. I was sorry I couldn't be at her side, but her friend told me she wasn't alone. She was there with her. She also informed me my mother wanted to be cremated and have her ashes spread into the Pacific Ocean.

Kat, Tony and I were there. Mom's best friend asked me to spread a handful of her ashes. Kat was holding my hand.

While I was spreading her ashes I prayed, "May you find the peace and love you've been looking for in Heaven, Mom."

CHAPTER 14

Life went on, and my relationship with Kat continued to grow. The moments I shared with her were precious. She seemed really happy. And I was happy too. Very happy.

One evening, we had just closed when Tony came to me and asked me, "I need a big favor: could you bring me some spices I need from Nearville? I'd go and get them myself, but I have to take care of something here. I already called and they are expecting you. It's only a half hour drive."

"One-hour drive back and forth just to get some spices that you can probably buy at the local market!" I said with frustration.

He shook his head, pinching his nose, "Red, Red, Red, if you are what you eat, then I only want to eat the good stuff. The spices they sell here are not good enough for my dishes. Different brands of spices have different temperaments and ways of interacting with the food." Tony explained to me.

I shrugged and went out of the restaurant. I knew he was up to something, but couldn't guess what it was.

Fifty-five minutes later, I was back with the darn spices. All the lights of the restaurant were off except for one.

"Hey," I yelled to the darkness. "I'm back."

A sole light caught my attention. A checkered cloth covered table was set out with breadsticks and a candle in the neck of a wine bottle.

Kat appeared at my side, or so it seemed. She took my hand in hers and guided me to the table.

Tony came out of the shadows with a plate in his hand.

I helped Kat with her chair and then seated myself.

"This is beautiful," I said, stating my thoughts. "You really surprised me."

Tony placed one spaghetti special in the middle of the table. Heavy on the meatballs. I looked at him. "Just one plate?"

Tony threw me an exasperated look, raising his arms to the ceiling.

"Oh, come on, Red. You can't be that clueless. Spaghetti, meatballs, candles ...." He spread his arms indicating the table.

Kat's cheeks flushed.

"In Lady and the Tramp, that's what they eat when he takes her out. It's a very romantic scene. They kiss and everything," Kat explained for my benefit.

"I know. I'm not that clueless. It's safe to assume I'm the tramp," I joked.

"In this case, I think we are both tramps," Kat said.

I looked at Kat. "If you think I'm sharing my spaghetti strand with Tony, forget it." Then I winked at Tony and said, "Just as long as you don't start singing 'Bella Notte,' we'll be fine."

"Spoil-sport," he pouted.

I looked back at Kat and joked, "However, I'll let you have the last meatball... that's definitely yours. I love you that much!"

Her eyes went wide.

"Do you still... love me, Red?" her voice became a whisper in the last two words. "Do you really love me?" Kat repeated, hesitatingly, as if she could hardly believe what she was hearing.

"I love you like I have never loved anyone, Kat," I replied sincerely. "I had always loved you. You and I have a history together. Our souls are linked. I will love you forever if you let me."

I looked her straight in the eyes. Kat looked right back at me. "I'm deeply flawed. I still think I'm damaged goods, but I love you with all my heart and all my damaged soul," she whispered.

"Not damaged. Your dad certainly was. Your mother was. You aren't. They made you feel that way because you grew up surrounded by messed up people. You're strong, you're courageous, you're caring, you're kind, you're generous, you're attractive, you're loving."

She had tears running down her cheeks.

"You saved me, Red. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have you in my life." She leaned forward to kiss me. I kissed her back lovingly.

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." Tony said when we broke the kiss. "Spaghetti is getting cold."

I looked up at him. "Thank you, Tony. For everything."

He took a short bow. "You're welcome, my friend. I suddenly remember I have something else to do someplace else. Don't wait up for me. I won't return till tomorrow. Ciao, i miei cari. I'll leave it up to you to figure what's for dessert." He winked at us and left the restaurant.

We devoured the deliciously steaming pasta and enjoyed a bottle of good chianti.

Once the plates were cleared, and the bottle of wine was empty, we walked hand in hand heading upstairs. We entered my room.

In the next instant, my arms were around her, my mouth claiming hers. Kat clutched at my shoulders to remain upright.

She tasted of wine, sweet and strong. She moaned into my mouth with pleasure as my tongue lashed her own.

I abruptly broke the kiss, my mouth trailing down her neck.

I whispered, "I want you, but I will stop if you want me to."

She snorted. "Do you think I went through all this trouble with Tony to say 'no'?"

She kissed my lips with hunger, "I want you too, silly."

She took off her top and her bra to reveal her magnificent breasts. I moved to claim the hard nipples that were revealed. I sucked at them, twirling my tongue around the tips.

There was a raw desire in her eyes.

"Kat?" I murmured unbuttoning my pants and pulling them down slowly.

"Yes?" she asked vaguely.

My eyes slid over her naked body and breathed, "You're beautiful."

"Thank you," she blushed. "You're not bad yourself."

I took off my shirt and told her, "Lay on the bed."

"Yes, master," she joked.

I chuckled. "I like the sound of that. Master. It has a nice ring."

"Hmmm." Kat squinted her eyes. "Don't get used to it, mister."

"Party pooper," I pouted and she smiled. These were the kind of games we used to play when we were friends with benefits. I lay on top of her. My hardness ground against her tender flesh. She wrapped her legs around my hips and rubbed herself against me. Her pussy was soaked.

Kat moaned, her hands clutching at my shoulders with excitement. In one long push I entered her fully. She was dripping wet. Her pussy was incredibly warm and tight. Our eyes never left each other.

She tilted her head back, moaning. "I missed your cock inside me, Red."

"I missed being inside you," I whispered.

I stayed embedded to my balls for almost a minute and could feel every contraction of her hot sticky velvet walls. I pulled back slowly until just my head was inside, then pushed back in fully. I moved my cock in and out enjoying the incredible feeling of her well lubricated walls rubbing my hard shaft.

"Oooh... a little harder," Kat cooed. "You don't have to be so gentle. I won't break."

I increased my rhythm, pushing into her harder and faster. I thrust into her in rhythm. She lowered her head to my chest as her body matched my thrusts. Her taut nipples brushed against my chest. Her fingers dug for grip in my shoulders as her body rubbed with mine. I could feel my orgasm beginning to build.

My cock went back and forth, stronger each time until my mind couldn't handle it anymore and I emptied myself deep inside her. Kat came right after me. The mutual orgasm was mind-numbing.

In that moment, the world shattered and dissolved around us. It was like our souls melted into one, like we could read each other's minds. We became one. One body, one mind, one soul. There were just no words to express how deep our connection truly went.

I don't know how long we lay like that. Her pussy held my cock firmly. Softly I ran my fingertips up and down her back, enjoying the warmth of her body and her scent.

Eventually, the sensation of her pussy around my cock started getting me hard again.

As she felt my cock getting up again, she looked up at me and asked, "Second round?"

I grinned. "You are just too sexy to stop."

EPILOGUE

I was never one to believe in fairytales and happily-ever-afters. I always figured that when things were too good to be true, they were just that, a beautiful lie.

I never believed in magic or that wishes could come true, but when I look back and see the way my life entwined with Kat's, I can't help but think that we lived our own non-traditional version of a fairytale.

We decided not to get married and keep things the way they were. A wedding was too expensive, too religious, too traditional for our taste. Our love and commitment didn't need a piece of paper.

Maybe we'll change our minds if we have a baby. It's not in our plans for now. We both have to keep working on ourselves before deciding to bring another life to this world. Kat still has a long battle ahead to slay her demons.

Instead, we chose to hold a small ceremony at 'The Jammed' with our friends, our family. Someone said friends are the family you choose. That's absolutely right in our case.