Red As Love

"Careful. You were beaten up really bad." I pointed out.

She took a deep breath.

"How are you feeling today?" I asked.

"Like a train wreck victim. Every inch of my body seems to be aching or sore, but I'll be alright."

"Take it easy. The doctor said you should rest." I reminded her.

"I'm sure I'll be almost completely back to normal after breakfast... well, except for some aches and pains, but I'm used to them."

She took the cup from the tray and sipped her coffee slowly.

"We need to go to the police station later, if you feel like it," I said.

Kat clenched her teeth. "Of course I'll go. I want that bastard in jail." Her eyes were swirling with emotion. They were sad, but there was also shame, anger, hurt, and loneliness there.

"We'll drive you there," I told her. "Mary's boyfriend brought some clothes for you to wear."

I placed the bag on the bed and she inspected the contents.

"Ooh, a brush. I can brush my hair. And lipstick!" She exclaimed, delighted. "I'll thank her, when I see her. I lost my duffel bag at the trailer. I don't have a place to stay right now so I have to carry every possession I have with me."

"We'll ask the police if you can retrieve it from the trailer when we go to the station." I said.

"I need to use the bathroom." Kat shifted slightly, grabbing her ribs.

"Can you walk on your own, or shall I help you?" I offered.

"I can manage," Kat assured me.

"Anything you need, just ring me. Use the phone on the night table. There is a list of the internal numbers." I explained.

Kat nodded. She stood up very slowly refusing any help from Tony or me.

"Nothing is going to happen to you," Tony said. "Red and I won't let anyone hurt you."

Kat smiled at him softly. "I know. Thank you both." She was still shaken, and it was obvious her mind was processing what had happened last night.

"You're welcome. I guess we'll leave you to it then," Tony said, moving to the door.

Later that day, we went to the police station to sign our statements. Bert informed us that they were going to bring police dogs in from the city to help look for Kat's mother's body. They feared the worst.

In the afternoon, Kat felt strong enough to come down to the restaurant. Her damp hair was slicked back. She was wearing a pair of Mary's jeans that fit her in the hips but were obviously too long. She'd rolled them up to keep from treading on the hems. She was also wearing a red t-shirt with a scooped neck that was a bit tight and emphasized her generous breasts. Her face was swollen and showed patches of blue and black, but she looked gorgeous to me.

'The Jammed' was busy as usual. Some of the locals recognized Kat and approached to say hello. Of course, by now, everyone in town knew what had happened last night.

Kat thanked Mary for her help during one of her breaks, and Mary instructed her in her duties as a future waitress.

I overheard Mary saying, "I've been in your situation. Red and Tony saved me. They are really good people. Life will get better, trust me."

"Thank you for your words. They have both been wonderful with me."

****

Kat came to my room again that night. She lay in bed with me, and we cuddled. Her eyes locked on mine. I held Kat very carefully. Her face was just a couple of inches from my lips. I lifted her chin gently and leaned in, brushing my lips lightly across hers. That's was it, an innocent goodnight kiss.

So, it surprised me when Kat's hand grabbed my side and pulled me closer. She deepened the kiss. The explosion of heat that I felt when Kat's tongue touched mine was hypnotic.

"Kat, I lov..." I started to say huskily.

She pulled back abruptly, breaking our contact.

I opened my eyes, confused. She was looking anywhere but at me.

I reached for Kat, only for her to recoil at my touch.

I moved away from my friend. My throat was tight. I wanted to ask her why, but couldn't find the words. I was afraid to open my mouth.

"This is a mistake," she said.

"It was just an innocent kiss. Nothing else was going to happen. Trust me."

I looked at her and found that she was shaking her head. Her fingers pulled at her lips. Lips that I had just kissed full on.

"I need to go."

"Please, don't. Let's talk about this. I'm sorry if I crossed a line..."

Kat shook her head. I stood there, rooted in place while she walked to my door.

"Stop apologizing, please! You did nothing wrong, Red. It's not you, it's me. I'm not ready for this."

My heart stopped when the door opened. I wanted to stop her from walking away but I didn't. I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere.

"You can sleep in the spare room I showed you yesterday. You'll find anything you need in the wardrobe," I told her before she closed the door.

I rubbed my hands up and down my face before screaming out in frustration.

***

The next day I talked with Tony about what had happened. He understands women's psychology better than me.

Once I finished my account, Tony rubbed his jaw, deep in thought.

"I warned you that something like this might happen," Tony said. "Her mother is missing, probably beaten to death by her abusive father who is going to jail. The poor girl is a mess. She is alone in the world."

"She doesn't have to be," I said. "She has me. And you too. You said it, she is part of our 'ohana' now."

Tony let out a short laugh at my attempt at Disney-talk.

"True, but she doesn't feel part of our family yet. She might feel we are doing this out of pity or charity."

"It's not pity or charity. We are friends!"

Tony moved his head up and down slowly.

"She probably feels she is weak in needing someone and is determined to prove that she can be strong, that she doesn't need anyone. Growing up with an abusive father didn't do her self-esteem any good. She probably thinks she is not worthy of being loved."

I shook my head. "That makes no sense to me."

"Kat is full of emotional scars, disappointments, and other negative experiences, Red. That's why she doesn't let people get too close. It's better if you give her space. She's scared."

"Scared of what? I'm not going to hurt her, and that bastard father of hers is going to rot in jail."

"Kat is in love with you, you fool. She's scared of her feelings for you. That poor girl is not the type of woman who is comfortable being in love."

Tony paused to let his words sink in. "By the way, you are in love with her too, and you are scared as well."

Tony was obviously enjoying my discomfort. I didn't bother to deny it.

"Are you serious about her?" he asked me.

We'd never discussed women before. I hated talking about my feelings. If this was anyone else, I'd clam up, but I knew Tony and trusted him.

"I am," I replied confidently. "She's the only girl I ever trusted. The only one I ever loved. We were an item in high-school even when neither of us called it a relationship."

"The operative word here is 'were'. A lot of things have happened in your lives since then. You can't pick up your relationship with her where you left off," Tony patted my hand. "I'm sure, she'll return to you when she's ready."

"What am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

Tony bit his lower lip thinking. "You'll have to prove to her that you're still trustworthy, that you aren't someone who is going to hurt her, that you are a safe haven for her."

"How do I do that? How do I get her to lower her guard?

"You have to lower your own, tough boy. I think a straight approach would be a mistake. If you come strongly on to her, she'll run from that, raise her defenses and back off emotionally."

"Then what do you suggest?" I asked dryly.

Tony pursed his lips as he thought, then said, "You have to approach her in a nonthreatening manner, as a friend."

"I don't want to be just her friend."

"I know, young padawan. Patience; even miracles take a little time."

CHAPTER 11

I was a man of habits. I had my daily routine. It started with a run at the nearest forest trail. After my run, breakfast followed, then a shower before taking care of the business.

Routine made me feel safe because it meant I had structure in my life. It offered predictability in an unpredictable world.

Kat and Tony usually waited for me, so we could all have breakfast together. We were together almost daily. I kept her in the friend zone as Tony suggested. We talked mainly about the present and the restaurant.

Kat settled into her new job, and her new life, over the next weeks. She seemed to feel more content in her own skin.

She usually worked the morning shift, and double shift if 'The Jammed' was packed. She was always eager to please and a hard worker.

I had a hard enough time, literally, when she dressed in her work clothes.

I hated when another man looked at her, I felt nothing but murderous rage. I wanted to be the only one looking at her.

All the time, my imagination was running wild and I had to fight every urge I had to reach out and touch her. To feel just the smallest amount of her skin against mine. A simple graze of my fingers against hers would suffice. I was not asking for much. Although I know I was. She was not ready.

The only problem was there weren't enough moments. She avoided being alone with me whenever possible. Even when I caught her looking, she averted her eyes the moment they met mine. I tried to be respectful and gave her the space she needed.

"I want to do right by her, Tony, I do."

"For what it's worth, I think she does like you, she's just afraid to open up," Tony explained to me.

"It doesn't seem she likes me," I said with frustration.

"Did you notice the way she fumbles over the smallest things when you're near her? If she doesn't like you, you wouldn't affect her in that way. "You're meant to be together," Tony assured me. "You just have to show her that."

***

One night I went up to my room really late.

A door opened quietly behind me. I turned and saw Kat coming down the corridor. She was dressed in an oversize t-shirt and for my sake I hoped she had shorts on underneath, because all I could see were her legs and they were very bare.

I wished I knew how to talk to her in a way to get her to open up.

I looked up and made eye contact with her.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi." Her reply was soft, quiet.

"Why are you up?" I asked.

"I couldn't sleep."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shrugged. "I don't want to sound like a broken record."

It took me a good deal of time to select exactly the right words.

"I'm so sorry, Kat; sorry he did that to you. Sorry he hurt you like this."

I placed my hand on her back and rubbed it gently. She didn't flinch. I remembered Tony's advice: 'You need to open up yourself.'

"At least something good came from all this," I said.

Kat looked at me as if I were crazy.

"You're back in my life. I missed you."

Her eyes welled with tears.

"That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me." She sniffed and her tears welled up again.

I kept rubbing her back up and down.

"So, why is there no one on the scene?" Kat asked once she recovered.

I laughed softly under my breath but said nothing, which only piqued her curiosity more.

"Girlfriend? Friend with benefits? Boyfriend?" she insisted.

"No, no, and definitely no, thank you very much."

"Why not?"

"One gay in the family is more than enough."

She gave my arm a gentle nudge. It felt like old times.

"You know what I'm asking, smarty pants. You're a great guy. You'd make a terrific partner for someone. How come you're alone?"

"The job, for one: long hours, no free days, it doesn't help a relationship."

"So there's never been anyone serious? Not ever?"

I was silent for a moment. I didn't want to push her, but I didn't want to lie. I decided to lower my guard.

"There was someone once, years ago... We were really close."

She smiled, and I knew it was the right thing to say.

"You and I, we were really close back then. Now we don't share as we used to, do we?" Kat asked me.

"Add 'at all' and you'll be a little closer to the mark." I gave Kat a wry smile.

"I'm sorry. "I know I've been avoiding you. I know you've noticed. Please believe me that it has nothing to do with you. I'm so very extremely fucked up right now."

"Let me help you. We could talk about anything. I miss that."

"The moments we shared together are the only happy memories in my life." Kat was getting misty misty-eyed. "I missed you so terribly when you went off to college."

Her mouth twisted in a sad grin.

"You left for college, and I was stuck in Middletown. I had no life, no friends, no future. There was a hole inside me I could not seem to fill up with your emails and your phone calls. I began to resent you. I imagined you with other girls. I know that doesn't make much sense. But it's an honest description of how I felt."

She paused. I said nothing. This explanation made more sense to me than the reasons she had given me the night we rescued her.

"This... between us... I'm confused... I don't want a relationship, right now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to have one. I'm damaged goods and you deserve better." She whispered.

I was captivated by the emotions flitting across her face.

"It's okay, Kat. We can be friends like we used to be in the past. Without the benefits, of course."

"I'd like that, Red. I'd like that a lot. Thank you."

"My pleasure, Kat. We'll get through this together."

"Good Night," she mumbled, and gave me a quick hug, a kiss on the cheek and ran back to her room.

"Good night," I said, but she was already gone.

CHAPTER 12

The next morning I had to solve a problem at the bank and didn't come back to 'The Jammed' till 11 AM.

I knew something was wrong the minute I entered the restaurant. Tony was not singing. The mood was gloomy and depressed.

"Bert called," Tony explained to me. "The dogs finally found Kat's mother's body. Her father buried her in a forest not far from the trailer park where they lived. The bastard is going to spend the rest of his life in prison."

"Where is Kat?" I asked.

I looked at Tony, but he just shrugged. "She left as soon as she heard the news."

"Do you think she went down to the police station?" Mary asked no one in particular.

"No, I don't think so. She wants to grieve alone. She doesn't like to be pitied." I said, thinking aloud.

"She might want to grieve alone, but I'm sure she'll welcome a good friend at her side." Tony paused a little, gave me a significative look and then asked, "Is there a special place you two used to hang out?"

That was when the light bulb went on.

"I know exactly where she is," I said. "Can you take care of everything while I'm gone, Tony?"

"Certamente. Go, we'll hold the fort here."

It didn't take me long to find her. She was at the old willow tree, of course. I approached her slowly.

"Kat?"

She jumped when I touched her arm. She sat up and moved her matted hair away from her face. I handed her a tissue, looking at her questioningly.

"I thought you might need a friendly shoulder to cry on. I can leave you alone if you prefer..."

She took the tissue from my hand and wiped her eyes.

"No, Red. Please don't go. You're right. I need my friend right now."

I nodded and sat at her side. I wrapped my arms around her body and cuddled her.

We remained like that for what seemed hours, then she quietly told me, "You have no idea what it's like to grow up with an abusive father. It makes you feel helpless. It's terrifying. Plain and simply terrifying. You never know what will trigger an outburst of violence. One second you are laughing, the next you're being punished for some minuscule perceived behavior. I feel angry about being robbed of what should have been a very innocent time of life."

"None of it was your fault, Kat." I offered.

"No, but... I don't know if that makes me feel any better." She swallowed hard, "I should have..."

She stopped. I didn't know what to say, so I just ran my fingers through her hair. I wished there were some magic words to make her feel better, but no such words seemed to exist.

She looked up at me. Her eyes moved over my face, down my arms and back again.

"I was lucky. I survived. My mother didn't. I think about my mom and I can't fathom how much it affected her. I am extremely angry with myself and I feel guilty for not doing anything to help her."

"You can't help those who don't want to help themselves, Kat. You did the best you could."

She swallowed hard and drew in a deep breath.

"I'm good at burying things. Burying unpleasant memories deep inside myself, in a locked box inside my soul. However, this locked box goes everywhere that I go, clanging a horrible sound as I carry it around, a sound only I can hear."

She cried bitter tears, and her grief seemed bottomless.

"Fate will never shine in my favor again. Why would she? She took it all away. Wiped out every single thing I had."

"You still have me," I said in a hushed voice.

She looked at me, raised her hand and rested it gently on my cheek. I held my breath, anxious for what she was about to do. Her eyes moved back and forth over mine, questioningly. I wanted to nod or tell her it was okay to touch me, but I was afraid to break the spell of the moment. She dropped her hand all too soon for my liking.

"Whenever you're around, I'm not scared anymore. I feel... safe."

She wrapped her arms around my body and squeezed me really tight.

"Thank you for being here for me, Red," she said clearing her throat. "Thank you for being my trusted friend."

She leaned up to give me a soft peck. It sent shivers down my spine. I was dying to kiss her back, but I didn't want to push her.

"You're welcome, Kat. You know you can always count on me. I'm here for you whenever you need me."

She gave me a soft punch in the arm.

"I know."

I didn't want to ruin the moment, but I needed to say something for her benefit.

"Listen, Kat. You need to unpack all this with a professional. Get rid of the darn box. There is a great counseling center here in Middletown. I'm not a therapist. I cannot fix you."

I was waiting for an outburst. None came. She actually laughed.

"Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Have you asked yourself why you have never been in a serious relationship? I'll make a deal with you, Red. I'll go counseling if you fix your relationship with your mother."

Ouch! I didn't expect that my words would backfire.

I looked at the distance between the both of us and held her closer.

"It's a deal." I sighed. She was right about me. It was time to heal.

We stood there in a tight embrace.

"I want you to get better." I finally said.

"What if I can't get better?" she shuddered. "This isn't some illness I can just take medicine to get rid of, Red. You of all people should know that. This is me" she said marking every word. "I'm fucked up."

"Stop it, Kat. Just stop it." I said, hugging her tight. "Your fears are not you. Do you hear me? They don't define who you are. Any other person in your situation would have become a drunkard or a drug addict. Not you. You fought long and hard for a better life. I'm really proud of you."

Tears were streaming down her face.

"Oh, Red!" Her sobs nearly broke my heart.

"We have each other, Kat. We'll always have each other."

Later that week, she started seeing a therapist who had experience dealing with abuse cases.

We held a private memorial service for Kat's mother once her body was released.

CHAPTER 13

On my side, I had a long talk with my father about my intention to look for my mother. She was something we simply never talked about. It was as if she never existed. The prospect of reconnecting with her was more terrifying than appealing. I had no idea how I would integrate her into my life, a life that did not include her, that a life that was very much built on her absence.