Redemption

Academic issues were supremely sensitive to him. Prying about those issues had the potential to fuck up all development. During our time together I subtly tried to discuss studies with him, his restlessness and apparent unease was unmistakable. Hence, I changed that subject as fast as I'd brought it up if not faster.

I was getting pretty sure that he would skip the exams next month. I badly wanted to see him succeed. But pushing him to put honest efforts would only result in us losing him. His existence was more important to me.

With the exams just around the corner and Andy not studying and not making any effort to take a study leave, did not go unnoticed by Mum and Dad. But my folks had just the talent to rush things and mess them up when it comes to Andy.

One fine Saturday, at breakfast, Dad said, "Hey there Andrew, now that I see you are all chirpy and happy, so I take you are not afraid of responsibilities and mistakes at work. Which means you'll be able to study for your exams which are less than a month away right?"

As expected, I saw the horror on Andy's face as his fight response kicked in.

"You know Dad, I'm not going to write the exams next month at all. Maybe I'll write them the next attempt in the coming year."

Dad responded equally authoritatively, "Yeah then continue living on the peanuts they give you. You work double digit hours every day. You work like a professional two levels up from your current designation. Yeah, be happy worshipping those morons at work on a pedestal and berate your family members at home. Yeah, lick their asses and kick ours. Mark my words: without a professional qualification you will always be a slave to the whims of those bastards."

As Andy started to say something, Mum interrupted and said, "It's high time you kick whatever that issue is you think you are facing out of your system. It's all in your mind, Andrew."

Andy looked dejected as he said, "But it's still in there, Mum, it's fucking in there."

"And yeah I'm not writing this attempt." quipped Andy and retreated to his room. I didn't join him in his room. I hoped he wouldn't take a rash decision impulsively.

Nobody was at fault at what unfolded that day. It was life. Life fucks us in the arse and jizzes in our eyes. Without consent. Even Destiny the bitch won't hook up and give the battered soul some nookie.

Though Mum and Dad were not wrong and though their concern was coming from a good place in their heart, when someone is in a state Andy is in and is not in the pink of his or her mental health, a direct approach like the one employed that day would be counterproductive. Andy's case had to be treated with utmost care. During the past two years, Andy had bad 'break-ups' with two of the city's best shrinks.

I was seriously clueless on pacifying Andy. As it happened, I needn't had to worry at all, as during that night when I tucked myself in, Andy walked in my room and sat near my legs contemplating something.

"What's up Andy?" I asked

"Silvia, I, uh, I've had an overwhelming day today and I don't trust myself to be alone at night tonight. I know it might sound a little weird, but would you mind if I crashed on your floor tonight? I'll get my sleeping bag if you're ok with it."

Firstly, I knew it was a serious issue after what had unfolded earlier during the day. And his addressing me 'Silvia' and not 'Sil' was just supplementary evidence thereof. Next off, what did he mean he doesn't trust himself to be alone tonight? I almost asked him did he mean what I thought he meant. But I thought better of it and left it hanging there and didn't pursue it further.

Coming quickly to my senses, I replied, "Yes, definitely you can crash with me tonight. I'm glad you trust me enough to be your companion. And Mr. Andrew, on the floor? hell no! Come on up, the bed's big enough to accommodate us both."

The expression on his face after hearing me say what I just said, suggested that Mr. Smarty Pants actually wanted to share my bed, but was being a 'gentleman' in asking permission for the floor. I was so glad he decided to crash with me. Sometimes when you're beaten up and are down, not being alone solves third of the problem.

He quietly slipped on the side of the bed where I made him the room, softly got under the covers and said, "Thanks a million Sil and sorry for being a bother. And yeah there is no one in my life right now other than you whom I can trust. Good night Sil."

That came out of nowhere, but god was I happy that it did. It warmed my heart so much. Having him share my bed was very intimate.

With that he closed his eyes and from the corner of my eyes I was stalking him closely and was able to observe the change in his breathing pattern. I was not sure for how long I was looking at him but looking at him sleep peacefully was what triggered my sleep.

The next morning, I woke unsurprisingly very refreshed when sun kissed my face; but surprisingly before my chain of alarms could be a pain in the ass. But I noticed something different as I woke up, I noticed that our hands and legs were intertwined. I sleep straight and did so that as well. I guess Andy had tossed and turned during the night and looped his arm and leg with mine. Whether that happened on its own accord or he woke up sometime and did it, it didn't matter to me. What mattered was waking up so close to him.

I was taking in his peaceful sleep demeanor and I noticed an alluring tent in his PJ's as the blanket wasn't covering him waist down somehow. He'd be embarrassed if he woke up and saw his conspicuous morning woody. Accordingly, I covered him waist down with the blanket and closed my eyes for some more lazy time.

My trance was broken, and I'd opened my eyes when I felt him move. He was lazily waking up and when he noticed me noticing him, he said, "Morning Princess! Hope you slept well."

'Princess', holy heavens, my heart skipped a beat there and a warm glow took over in the insides of my tummy. He looked so at peace.

"Like a baby little champ, like a baby. So, am I now a Princess, eh?" He blushed at me calling him 'little champ'.

"That you are, sister dearest, always have been." He said with a romantic look in his eyes.

"Then brother dearest," I said, "kindly take note that princesses always get their way." And with that I pulled his leg up and started softly tickling him. He was squirming and wiggling and begging me for my mercy. Me being the good sister I am, I let my guard down a little bit.

Sensing the subtle change, the brat, quickly pinned my arms above my head and then embraced me tight. But then his embrace started to tickle me, and that itch would not be sated so easily. Nobody other than Andy would be able to sate it. As I was deep in my thoughts, I felt like being gazed upon and then my eyes met his.

We looked into each other's eyes for god knows how long... The purity of emotions and feelings there consecrated the moment.

I was pulled out of my trance again as I felt him approaching my face. I looked at him and closed my eyes readying myself for a peck on the lips but felt him plant a firm kiss on my cheek. Then he said, "Baby you light up my world like nobody else..."

Baby! I know that was for the purpose of the reference he made there. But him referring me as 'baby' even for the purpose of a reference, just intensified the itch from before.

He gave me a warm smile, gently kissed the back my palm, pressed my hand with using both his palms and got ready to leave. He was at peace after yesterday's events and I got my kisses, I was happy. As he got up from the bed, he unconsciously flipped his wavy, sexy, and moderately long hair.

"The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed..." I continued his reference.

He was looking at the ground and blushing, to which I replied, "But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell; you don't know; you don't know you're beautiful..."

Hearing that he ran to his room blushing uncontrollably like a freshly newlywed groom and bride. Now it was my turn to blush.

------

I had originally assumed that Andy sleeping with me would be a one-off occasion. That turned out not to be the case, and unspoken, this became a regular thing between us. We were already spending the majority of the day together. It was natural that we continue the same for the nights as well. It was an amazing feeling waking up beside him and sharing his body heat.

Usually he'd come to my room. For once, I decided that I should be the one who should crash with him. My heart I was not sure from where, thought that if I don't take the initiative, he might feel I'm not interested in his company. We can't have that, can we?

The smile on his face, when I entered his room in my night clothes, did funny things to me. It made my night. Possibly even the next day.

He scooched and I tucked myself under his covers as if the constitution entitled me with that absolute right.

He started to get very comfortable and close. Then I felt both his legs wrap my right leg. I felt his breathing change. I could sense his heart was beating faster. So was mine.

Then he slipped his hand over my tummy. For a second, I thought he would rest his palm on my tummy, but he loosely held me as his elbow was near my navel and his palm on his bed sheet.

God was rewarding me again for all the good deeds I did during my past lives. He had first rewarded me by giving me Andy. The first two years of my life I was the only child. Though I don't remember anything, but I guess I was happy. But sometime after my second birthday Andy was born. Though I did not realize it then, but it was after he was born that my life was complete.

I craved more though. I spread my right arm out and slipped it under his neck and gently pulled him towards myself. He moved closer and held me a bit tight. He seemed at peace. I was at peace. And peaceful was the sleep thereafter.

We were cuddled up closer the next morning when I woke up. He woke up shortly thereafter. I got out of the bed and stretched. He was watching me. I smiled and gave a peck on his cheek and left his room.

------

We soon slipped into the new routine of good-morning kisses. After that good-night kisses weren't far in getting included in that routine either. Eventually, we started sleeping together every day. We were literally together the whole time and hence when the time would come to call it a night, we'd just decide on whose room we'd use. Sleep was peaceful and we'd wake up every day cuddled up tightly in each other's embrace.

All hadn't remained purely platonic between us, with our ever-increasing physical intimacy and deepening feelings, but the residual guilt about conformity to societal propriety in me had evaporated. I mean it was there, but like my heart, I wouldn't give two fucks about it. I was happy I could get that sorted. We cared about each other so much that we'd never hurt each other. Our relationship developed into something stronger. Propriety to me became a concept qua an individual and not qua society. I love my brother and I'd do anything to get him out of his perpetual agony. And making sure my brother's happy; that was my conformance with propriety.

Falling in love is supposed to be one of the most beautiful things in life. When the underlying feelings are pure and unconditional; faith, trust, deep affection, and care being generously weaved therein; the whole experience becomes hallowed. This sacred experience is greatly appreciated by all. However, when a brother becomes a consort and a participant, suddenly all the sanctity is repudiated, and the experience becomes taboo and gross. This, according to me was absurdly nonsensical. In fact, with a brother as a consort and a participant, I firmly believe that whole sanctity of the experience is elevated to an ethereal level.

With one supposed issue sorted, there was still another nagging issue in my mind. At the rate we were going, we couldn't keep this from Mum and Dad for long. They knew we always spent the day together, but they didn't react to it. But if they knew we were spending even the night together, there might be certain complications.

My fears came true shortly, as one morning Mum cornered me in kitchen post breakfast.

"Why did Andy get out of your room this morning?" She said rather bluntly.

My knee-jerk reaction was to deny everything. But then even if I did, what we were doing couldn't be kept from Mum and Dad for long. Getting it out in the open would be better than living under the constant fear of being caught. Yes, it'd be completely possible that they may want us to stop sleeping together. But I believed in myself enough to convince them to let us continue. I felt bad that I didn't discuss this with Andy before.

"Mum, Actually, me and Andy are sleeping together. And before you interpret it totally wrong, by 'sleeping' I mean just sleeping together; sharing the bed and nothing else."

Mum seemed to be in a contemplating something. "And why do you two need to share a bed in the first place?"

"Andy's not in a good space mentally and its only deteriorating. You know his 'condition' right; not being alone is really helping him out. I'm just giving him moral support and I think it's helping him.

"I know we shouldn't be doing it, but he's starting to return to his bubbly self, and it has been very nice to have my brother back. And I don't want him to go all silent on us again. I don't think it's a big deal. I hope you don't either."

"Your Dad might object, but I think he'd eventually be fine with it. Just make sure no one gets hurt, okay?" Mum said. Her concern was valid. I was glad her reaction wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

"I'll make sure of that Mum. Thank you so much." My eyes were wet as I hugged Mum.

That night as I laid my head on Andy's shoulder and cuddled up to him, I told him everything about my encounter with Mum. He said that he trusted my judgement and that getting things out in the open was an excellent decision, like all my other decisions. He got a big wet kiss on his cheek for that and we snuggled tight as we fell asleep.

When we were with Mum and Dad the next day, though nothing was spoken, but it was rather tense. However, things eased out over the next few days and Mum and Dad seemed to come to terms with the newfound closeness between Andy and me.

------

As things seem to return to normalcy, I could feel Andy to be deep in thinking one day as we lay in his bed. He could say something anytime.

And say something he did. He started speaking as I had rightly anticipated.

"Sil," he continued, "Can I say something to you?"

I nodded and he continued, "Promise me, Sil, you'll hear me out completely. You won't freak out. You won't unjustly worry. You won't judge. You won't come to conclusions. Promise me, Sil."

"I'll be the last person to do that. Wait, scratch that off, I'll never be in that list in the first place. Search your feelings, Andy, you'll know it's true, Trust me, Andy."

"I trust you with my life, Sil. I know I sound like a hypocrite when I say that considering how I've never spoken with you properly, but please trust me when I say this. I'd be a corpse without you."

Before I could react, he continued, "You know about my 'condition,' right? Medical, psychological or whatever the fuck, you know right that I'm not in the pink of my health. Mental health."

"Yes, I do. And don't call it a 'condition,' you can use the clinical term."

"No, I don't want to plant that idea in my head. That's the last thing I want. In fact, if I did that it will actually be the 'last' thing in my head. Or maybe second last."

What the fuck, I said to myself, 'Don't say such things Andy. Your sister's heart is fragile when it comes to you.'

He did not spell out further what he was insinuating, and I was glad that he didn't. He continued, "Do you see a change in that 'condition'."

"Positive or negative?" I asked.

"Anything. Just tell me what you feel /felt," he said.

"As a matter of fact, I did. I can always tell when you are in pain. During all those years I could see it and feel it to an extent. However, lately what was so overt during all those years wasn't so overt anymore. You were calm. Not like 'calm' calm. But like calm before a hurricane. You were withdrawn. And don't think I did not notice you noticing the knives and stuff."

"Shoulda been more subtle."

"Shouldn'ta noticed those god-awful things in the first place."

"Well this organically sets the context of what I was wanting to tell you."

"Yeah, we got sidetracked. What did you want to say?"

"Okay. Let me put it this way. Assume there's a problem. Any problem like a problem in general."

"Mhmm."

"Now this problem will give rise to questions."

"Yes"

"These questions now need answers."

"A natural corollary, yes."

"Once, we find the answers. We have to find a way to implement these answers so that what the problem was in the first place can be solved."

"Yes"

"Sometimes there is an overlap between the problem and the question. Like they are co-dependent."

"I lost you at your last sentence. But since the issue we are discussing is taking a philosophical undertone and becoming subjective, I assume that there may be an overlap."

"Good. God, what I'm about to tell you is hard for me to confess, but I guess I owe this to you," he continued, "my life became my problem. My life my very existence became my problem.

"And how did that happen? Me, a passionate student and an avid lover of the Chartered Accountancy course, lost my interest to study in entirety at the final level. I always feared that I'm not good enough and always had issues with my self-esteem. But me losing interest to study, just when I was one step away from my prestigious professional qualification, confirmed those fears and insecurities big time. I started hating myself. I never made an effort to help myself and to set my headspace right. Deep down it felt that I did not want to. That's why I had a bad fallout with the shrinks. I ended up hating myself more.

"All that self-loathing started affecting me at work. I couldn't concentrate for long periods. Every time I was second guessing myself. Hating myself even more. But somehow, I managed myself at work. Didn't let my tumultuous headspace affect my quality of work. But it always feels like it is just a matter of time before I fuck up royally.

"My self-hatred had grown so much that my life, my very existence became my problem. A problem I wanted to get rid of. That's when all the thinking started."

Lumps were forming in my throat as I was trying to comprehend the gravity of his confession.

"This problem gave rise to the question, why my life? Why did it have to turn out the way it did? I then started thinking and continued thinking about it, a lot, a lot. Somewhere deep in my thought a bolt of lightning struck me. I realized that was my eureka moment."

He continued, "I realized why me? Why my life? These were not the right questions. 'Life' per se, 'Life' itself was the question. Basically, I realized 'life' is the question for which we all search for answers.

"When things are smooth this question this grand question that life is, it doesn't need any answers. But when things aren't, that's when the need for answers makes you a living hell."

He strangely made sense. So much sense.

"Again, just like me figuring the grand question which arose because of my problem, I was able to figure the answer. Yeah, just like that. Sometimes the answer's in front of you. All you have to do is look."

This was getting dark. My gut said to me it was. That's when my suspicions about him were confirmed. God, at that moment each the molecules that made my body threatened to disengage themselves from me.