All Comments on 'Revelation of Her Slutty Self Ch. 01'

Can't wait to read the follow on chapters.

Great start and look forward ot reading more

You need to find another editor, because "ellenmay" left a lot of errors in punctuation, spelling and grammar.The sex is just a list, "She did this. He did that." Boring.

.....the makeup of the audience nearly guarantees extensive and vapid criticism.

That said, I have three comments to offer:

1. Constantly changing tense and person makes the piece difficult to read. Keep the narrator POV constant while narrating, switching persons is difficult to follow... so, tell9ng the story 3rd person vs 1st person needs to be consistent. Likewise, constantly switching from present tense to past tense and back again, becomes very annoying very quickly. Try to stay consistent. Also, watch your technicals. More time is spent editing good stories to get the snetences and expressions clear, direct and technically correct than is often spent in the original creation of them. Nothing different here. Send your little creations out into the world in their best possible condition.....they will fare better that way.

2. Try story themes and plots that have some major element that is new. This "Alpha male takes hot girl from beta boyfirend, everybody hates and derides the beta, the girl settles into the Alpha lifestyle with massive orgasms, while beta former boyfriend sinks into despair" plotline is so overdone here that we're considering trademarking it "Bad UK Alpha Male plotline" in an effort to force you lot to pay for continuing to crank out masses of such trite drivel.

3. Try to offer some connection to the familiar in your writings. Readers are more likley to connect with your characters and your storylines and themes, if they can connect with the mundane in those places your story occurs. For example, "Turning North on Terrington Way, she walked briskly against the sharp wind and drizzle that seemed to penetrate to her bones in the grey pre-dawn. As she passed the small darkened shops and apartment entries, she was surprised to see one merchant half the block ahead lit at this early hour, his shop door open and the warm light within bathing the still subdued walk and street beyond. Turning to cross the old, worn cobblestone street and seeing the merchantile name for the first time, she quickly stepped up to the entry and looked hopefully within...'Isolde's Lamentation' had to be the place Terrance had begged her to visit......".

Textures, colors, sounds, sights, familiar-sounding locations or locations widely known are great contributions and settings for stories.....simply because connecting them to your story gives it familiarity, and so a degree of credibility....

I'm sure some of this will sting...sorry, it must a little if it is to assist you in growing as a writer. More will hopefully illuminate and offer a way to expand your talent....

Give some resistance from the boyfriend toward both Lisa and Ed. Try not to keep it the same old bully boss fucking workers wife. No man would really allow that , they would most likely get fired for smashing the boss. Also dumping her this is what would really happen. Story sounds like it will be fun but a different direction from the norm would be nice. Look forward to future stories

Yours truly,

Anonymous

Nice job. Fun sex. Interesting characters.

BTW, it's came, not cummed. :-)

Awesome i love the anticipation.

Lisa I loved you story, can't wait to see how you play this story along but I think I amd going to like it :)

cant wait to see where you take the character

just can not wait what happens next.

Good start - keen to see Lisa get corrupted! ;)

Ii is a bit confusing as far a story structure is concerned. First it is all about Lisa and Mark, Ed gets into it (which is OK) but the Point of View changes abruptly with Lisa - who should be the protagonist - not in the room when the "action" starts.... unrelated to what went before.... Now, for someone who just wants to read "sex" that may be immaterial....

you sure have a naughty mind and a knack of telling some erotic story! don't have us wait for more of you.

Great story, love the tension that is building between Lisa and Ed. I love watching/reading a young women become overwhelmed by a powerful man.

This is very hot, Lisa. I wish you would write more parts so I can see where this goes!

Hey, we need a part two now, Lisa. You have us wondering how you will handle this irresistible, but hopeless womanizer. It seems like like you want him, despite knowing that you will only be a sex toy to him. 😋

So hot!!!

Clever story. My wife has always been attracted to my Alpha male bosses. And they know how to play her. Her cunt has got me a lot of promotions!

Autobiographical? I like it when writers put themselves into a story about becoming a slut. RT

Storyline is confusing and rushed — one minute Lisa’s POV, the next Ed is having sex with two women and Lisa literally disappears. Clear from first two paragraphs that Lisa isn’t really into Mark who she sees as weak, so we know where this is going, but despising Mark for interrupting conversation seems bit strong. Sex scene has potential, but lacks erotic intensity — almost like a fly on the wall describing action rather than characters really engaging. That said, await the next chapter; thanks for sharing.