Rory and Philip

This story concerns the first time Rory fully accepts that he is gay, and has sex for the first time. If gay male sex is not your thing, please find another story to read!

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I can't remember when I first really knew that I was gay. I had clues from a fairly early age, but I guess I really started to think about it about when puberty was hitting me and all my friends. While my friends all seemed to be suddenly interested in girls and dating, I wasn't feeling any of it. My best friend in the world was Angie - we were neighbors and had been friends since we were in elementary school. She'd even talk to me about boys as we hit high school - somehow knowing that I was safe to talk to - like she somehow knew that I was gay even before I did.

The older I got, the worse it got for me. I say "worse" because my situation at home was not good. My father was part of a church - you know, the "God hates fags!" crowd. There was simply no way for me to even think that I could be gay - it was a one-way ticket to hell, and I believed that my father would personally send me there. When I was first having the feelings, I would pray for them to go away, but as I grew older, I stopped. I had the sense that this was simply "me" and I could not fight it. Still, I tried to keep it all hidden.

Through it all, my mother was oddly quiet about it. I don't know if she sensed that I was gay, or if she didn't feel the same way as my father, but she clearly did not want to pick a fight with him.

So, I grew up confused. My senior year, after we'd both turned 18, I went to prom with Angie. I still don't know if it was because she thought I was safe or if she just felt sorry for me or if it's just because we were such close friends. We had a good time dancing, and at the end of the night we went out with some of the other kids and got a little drunk and a little high, but nothing happened between us. When I got home, my dad was asking if I "got any" from her.

"Dad! We are not that kind of friends!"

"Come on!" he protested, "just look at those boobs she's got! What kind of friend is she? Are you some kind of queer?"

"George!" my mother almost shouted at him, "Rory does not objectify girls like you do, do not teach him that!"

They ended up in a shouting match, and I just went to bed.

Among the other things I'd argued with my father about was choice of college. I knew that I had an aptitude for, and an interest, in engineering, and I'd narrowed things down to Kansas State, or Wichita State, but Wichita did not excite me as a place to be, and I also knew that K. State had a reputation of being friendly for gays. My dad, of course, wanted me to go to some small Baptist school where they would teach "literal Bible" courses. After some arguments, my mother convinced my dad to let me go to engineering school, as I had promised him that I'd simply move out and do it all on my own rather than going to his choice. So I'd been accepted to, and also had some scholarship money from, K. State, and I was looking forward to getting there in the fall.

After graduation I worked for the summer at the local pool as a lifeguard, and so did Angie. As the summer drew to a close she was preparing to go to the University of Kansas, as I was headed to K. State.

"Hey, Rory," she said to me at the start of our last week, "come eat dinner with me on Friday, what d'you say?"

"Like a date?" I asked, "are you asking me for a date?"

"No, you big dumb jerk, just because we've been best friends since we were like 8 years old and now we're going to be far away from each other for the first time in our lives. Just come eat supper with me!"

"OK," I said to her, "sounds fine. So, like at your house, with your parents?"

"Yes at our house, but Mom and Dad are going out to some fancy doctor dinner thing and they won't be home until at least midnight, we'll have the place to ourselves. I'll order us some pizza and we can drink some of Dad's beers if you want to. He won't care, neither will Mom. At least we are at home. Come on - say yes! Please!?!"

I sighed, "OK, OK, it sounds good - 7:00?"

"Perfect. See you then!"

As I walked up to Angie's house that evening, the pizza delivery guy was just getting there. I paid him for the pizza and just walked on in. Since we were about 12 years old, we'd had no hesitation in just walking into one another's houses.

"Rory, is that you? I don't know what's keeping the pizza guy! He should have been here by now!" she shouted from upstairs.

"He was here just as I got here," I told her. "I paid him and here's the food!"

"I was supposed to pay him!" she protested as she came down the stairway, "I invited you, remember? Now what do I owe you?"

"$500, including the tip!" I said.

"That was one helluva tip!" she said. "Now, seriously, how much did you give him?"

"$35, including tip."

She counted out $35 and handed it to me.

We went to the kitchen and she found two beers in the fridge and opened them, and we started to pig out on the pizza.

"So, Rory," she said, between bites, "I do hope that once you get to Manhattan that you will finally give yourself the space to, um, explore and find yourself."

"What are you talking about?" I asked her.

"You know damned well what I'm talking about. It's just us! No one here to listen in, just open up!"

I just looked at her, probably with a frozen look on my face.

"Oh for God's sake, Rory! You know it, and I know it! We've both known for a long time! It's OK! I love you like a brother - you know, the brother I never had! Damn it, dude, admit it to yourself! It's OK - I want you to be happy, and you'll never be happy if you keep repressing this! You're dad is flat wrong! If there is a God, then she made you this way - there's no way God hates you because of how you were made! Now promise me that you will allow yourself the space to grow into what you were meant to be! You're smart, cool, funny, but you're so beaten down! You need to stop assuming that you're dad is right, and come to the realization that he's just plain wrong! You're beautiful as a gay man - now go out there and let the world see that, too!"

I couldn't believe that she'd just said those words out loud. She was insistent, but she was also smiling at me. I felt the emotions welling up in me and knew that they were soon going to spill out. She could see it, too, and she jumped up from her chair and walked over to me and sat on my lap. She pulled me into a hug and the emotions in me just surged over the top and I started to cry. As cliched as that sounds, I just burst into tears.

"Rory, baby, it's OK! You are what you are, and you need to accept it, and accept that not only is it 'OK', it is beautiful - it is what you are meant to be! You are a fantastic guy, and out there, somewhere, is a fantastic guy that you will complete, and he will complete you!"

I cried on her shoulder for what seemed like forever, holding onto her until my lap and buns were growing numb.

"Um, Angie," I was barely able to get out, "my butt is going to sleep, and I could use a tissue!"

As we let go of the hold we had on one another, she stood up.

"Oh, gross!" she said, "you got snot all over my shirt!"

As she said that she popped the t-shirt up and off, now standing in front of me with just her shorts and her bra. I was a bit taken aback.

"Oh, stop it, you see more of my tits when we're at the pool!"

She turned and headed to the hall.

"I'm going to get a clean shirt - you clean yourself up, and I'll be right back!"

I found the box of tissues and cleaned myself up. Angie came back down wearing a clean shirt.

"So, how long have you known?" I asked her.

"Full on 'known'? Maybe a couple of years. Suspected much longer than that. As we all started to have boyfriends and girlfriends, you never had the least interest - in anyone - well, any girls, and knowing the household you grew up in, never any boys, either, at least not that you could admit.

"At first, I was a little disappointed - I wanted you to show an interest in me," she said, now looking a bit more sheepish, "but I also kind of knew that I was, well, not your type."

"But," I started to protest - she was my best friend, and I suddenly felt like I'd let her down.

"But, nothing!" she interjected, "I quickly began to realize that I had in you what you had in me - a very safe, stable, wonderful friend, in whom we could confide. I would never judge you, and I know that you would not judge me. I told you, I love you like a brother - and I meant it!"

I just sat there. I'd suspected that she knew, but I'd never said anything. Dad's influence was too strong.

"Rory! It's absolutely OK. Look at me!"

I had been staring at the floor, but I looked up at her. Her eyes were soft and showed me nothing but love. Not sexual love, just love.

"I had somehow wished that you would confide in me, but I guess you had to bury it all too deep, and I know that I cannot let you go off to school without talking about it. Hell, too many repressed kids end up committing suicide, and I want you to know that if you ever, and I mean ever, feel like that you call me. I'll drive from Lawrence to Manhattan in an instant - well, I'll start in an instant, and it only takes an hour and a half. Look, everybody needs to know that they have someone to count on, and for you I am that somebody. No ifs, ands, or buts! Look at me Rory! Look me in the eye and promise me that you'll never act before calling me!"

I reached over to her and hugged her again.

"I love you, Rory!" she said. "You are my brother. I'll never stop. NEVER." She pushed back from the hug and looked straight at me. "Promise me!"

"Angie!" I said, starting to cry again, but just a little this time. "I love you, too! Thank you! I need someone to talk to about this! I can't talk to Mom, it'll put her in a bad spot with my dad! I sure as hell can't talk to him about it."

She was just staring at me.

"What?" I asked.

"I want your solemn promise!" she said.

"Oh, yes, Angie, I promise you I will call you! But, I really don't think I will contemplate that!"

"Rory, when you get to Manhattan, go to student services and find someone at school. Promise me you will. They have the resources and it's part of being a student. Find someone and talk to them, and then talk to me, too! I'll always be a safe person to talk to. And, one day, when you are feeling strong enough, you should talk to your mom. She'll be better with it than you think. But only when you're ready, OK?"

We hugged some more, ate our pizza and drank about a six-pack each of her father's beer.

I must have passed out on the couch, because the next thing I remembered was Angie waking me up.

"My folks will be home in about an hour, I'm guessing. You need to go home. Can you walk home?" she asked.

As I stood up, I knew that I was going to throw up and I ran and stumbled to the bathroom and heaved up pizza and beer. I helped her clean up, and I walked home. I slipped into the house and was confronted by my father. I did not have the willpower to argue with him, and told him simply that I was going to bed.

"Did you get any from her, yet?" he asked in a mocking tone.

"Shut up, Dad! I'm going to bed!" I said and walked past him.

On finally getting to campus, I settled into college life. I knew a couple of kids from my high school who were also there, but I did not seek them out. This was a chance at a new start. Angie and I talked a lot. Facetime, instagram, texts. As I'd promised her, I found the counseling center and got hooked up with someone that I started out speaking to weekly.

My roommate, Scott, and I got along, but we really didn't do too much together. I was an engineering major and he was a biology major, so our academic circles were different. Occasionally we'd go eat together, or go for a run together, but I was more into the running than he was.

I distanced myself from any religious organizations, but also stayed away from explicit LGBTQ+ organizations, too. My counselor and I talked about it as not going too fast in any direction. Classes were harder than I'd expected, but I had always been a good student, so it was nothing insurmountable.

One Friday, Scott said that some friends were going to play pickup volleyball on the sand courts near our dorm, and asked if I wanted to play. Having nothing particular to do, I joined them. The game was more competitive than I'd expected, but still very friendly. During the game, I'd noticed one particular guy playing. He was about my height, 6' 2" or so, a thin but muscular build with reddish hair and a ready smile. After the game, as my roommate and I were about to head back to the dorm, this guy walked up with his hand out.

"Hey, I'm Philip, and you are?"

"Rory," I replied, shaking his hand.

"You played pretty well out there. We are looking to have a co-ed intramural team in the next IM round, are you interested?"

"How much pressure?" I asked.

"What?"

"How much pressure to win? Are we going to be yelling at each other for every missed shot, or is it more low key than that? I'm an engineering major, and I get all the stress I need from classes. If this is to blow off steam, then I'm in, but if it's all about cut throat winning, then I'll pass. Don't get me wrong, I'll play hard, but if we play hard and still lose, I won't be shedding any tears or losing any sleep!"

"Wow, very straightforward!" he said, "Actually, I think you'll like us. That's almost exactly our team charter!"

We chatted a bit, and he invited me to meet a few of the others at the food court near his dorm. I said goodbye to Scott and walked off with Philip.

Philip carried himself with ease, his smile just as ready as when we were playing. He was clean shaven with a fair complexion and green eyes that twinkled when he smiled. We talked about the league as we went. Eight players per team, and there must be at least one woman on the court at all times. As he described the team, with me we would have an even split - four men, four women, so we'd always have at least two women on the court. He and two of the women had played together last year (it turned out they were all Sophomores) and they were all recruiting from various groups, and I was to be number eight.

"I've already texted everyone, so it's kind of a team meeting, team mixer, eat together time." Philip told me.

I enjoyed meeting everyone and Jeanne, one of the Sophomores kind of ran the meeting as I realized that she was the organizer and de facto team captain.

As we broke up the supper, everyone was glad to have me aboard. We would have a few practice sessions, starting the next day, Saturday, and again on Sunday. Jeanne wanted all of our class schedules to try to find weekday times for some sessions, too, and maybe a chance to scrimmage against another IM squad.

As everyone left except for Philip, he looked at me with an odd look on his face.

"Say, I hope I'm not too forward, but, would you like to go get a drink, somewhere?"

My mind froze, and with it the rest of my body.

"Look, I'm sorry if I misread, and please don't take it the wrong way. If you're straight, then just forget it, OK?" he quickly said after my complete non-response.

"No, wait!" I said. "You aren't wrong, well, I uh, I, um, hmm."

I looked around at the tables in the room, now very sparsely occupied. It was quiet in the room, and my paranoia overtook me.

"Can we talk about this somewhere? Somewhere, else?"

"My roommate has gone home for the weekend. He has a girlfriend back home, so he goes most weekends. We can talk privately there, is that OK?"

"Sure," I replied.

I followed him out to his dorm and to his room. We went in and closed the door. The room was tidy, but not immaculate, and he sat on his bed and I sat on the desk chair.

"Look, Philip, I'm just..." I was struggling with how to talk to him. "I'm just coming to grips with, um, myself."

"It's OK," he replied, "I'm not trying to push anything, but, you seem like a really nice guy, and you're very attractive, but if you're not ready for things, I can understand. Believe me, I can understand."

I looked at him quizzically.

"Let me guess - family issues? Either they didn't take it well, or maybe they don't even know yet?" he asked me.

"Yeah, the second part." I replied.

"Well, I won't push it, but I bet they know more than you think they do," he replied.

"Yeah, maybe my mother, but not my dad!" I replied, "He's part of that 'God hates fags' church - he thinks I'm going to hell just because I left the church."

"Oh wow, that is rough! Rougher than I had it. With me it was my mother - said she didn't raise me to be a pansy. My father was all about trying to calm her down. She's accepted it now, but we don't talk about it much - in fact we just don't talk much."

"I'm sorry man!" I said to him.

"What? You're dad is part of that, and you're sorry for me!?"

"Hey, I guess everybody has some kind of family issues, don't they?" I asked.

"So, about that drink? I don't want to push you into space you're not ready for, but since you're here, we could have something here, and just talk. Or play video games, or something like that."

I looked at him.

"You know, I think I'd like that!"

He found his stash of contraband beer and we each had one and played games until it was late - I mean really late, almost 4:00 am.

"You want to just crash here for a couple of hours?" he asked. "The roommate won't be back until after supper on Sunday."

I lay back on the bed, on top of the covers and was asleep in seconds.

I woke up about 10:30 the next morning, a little confused about where I was, but hungry. I looked for Philip, but he was not there. I found a note. "Went to grab a shower, I'll be right back." There was no time written on the note, so I didn't know if he had been gone for two minutes or half an hour.

I sat up on the bed as the door popped open just as I was stretching out the sleepies, and he came in.

"Hey, good morning! You want to go get some breakfast?"

"More like brunch, given the time!" I replied.

We got some food, and talked. I liked talking to him, and decided that if he asked me out again, I would have to take him up on it.

I headed back to my dorm and showered. Scott was in the room when I got back.

"You stayed out all night?" he asked with a knowing tone to his voice.

"Yeah, Philip and I got playing video games until almost 4 am, and I just crashed there. His roommate was out, so I had a bed to sleep in."

"Video games?" he asked, his voice still betraying that he thought something more had taken place.

"Yeah, just games!" I replied, wondering what he expected. What I did not expect was that he already saw me for what I was - a gay man.

"Look, Rory," he said to me, "I don't care if you're gay, I really don't. You don't have to pretend with me."

"Are...are you gay?" I asked him, thinking that he wasn't.

"No, but I'm OK with it if you are. Just don't ogle me if I'm getting dressed, OK?"

"Yeah, sure!" I replied in an omission that was tantamount to admitting that he was right.

"So, you are gay, right?" he asked me, point blank.

"Hey, Scott, I'm still kinda working through things, OK. I mean, I think so, but, it's...it's just that...it's complicated."

"It always is. My sister is gay, and it took her quite a while to come to grips. It's OK with me, just know that. You don't have to let me in on the, um, complications, but just know that I'm safe to talk to, if you want to."

I felt the sudden urge to hug him, but decided that it might not be the best thing for me to do.

"Thanks, Scott. Really, thank you, for understanding, and for the offer. I'm talking with someone at the counselling center, and I have my best friend from home, and I talk to her about it, but it's nice to know that there's another sympathetic ear. As to my time with Philip, well, we just played games, and I slept in his roommate's bed."