Rotten To The Core

"No cheating. No butt plugs, no clandestine fingering outside the camera's field of view."

"Me? Cheat? El, I'm devastated."

"On your stomach," Laura demanded, in a rather convincing imitation of Detective Goldbaum's speech pattern.

"Oh, come on!" Vicky protested. "Who made you deputy?" Still she rolled onto her front. "Now what, constable?"

"If you have to know, we do actually work with the Greenbury PD. Our contact is a Detective Goldbaum. Has a nice butt and a cute face -- if she could be bothered to stop scowling for a moment. Now move your phone below your- You are impossible!"

Vicky chuckled. "You know, if I take out the plug, I might come right away." Her grinning face filled the screen again. "I'll behave though. Tell me more. Did you get her number?"

"Yup," Laura said. "The one for her job phone."

"Date when?"

Laura snorted. "I didn't say I was interested in her."

"Still you tried to rile me up. Boob size? Fetishes?"

"If I had to guess, not much more than a B-cup. Small and firm. And my God, she's even more lawful than Doug, our resident paladin!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Not one bit. If she had her way, Doug and I would be on our way to Cedar Junction for killing a bunch of roach thralls."

Vicky made a face. "Okay, now my libido has evaporated. Yiiiikes! Did they hurt you?"

"I got lucky and drew my gun on them before they could get too close. One of them landed a nasty hit on Doug but I'm pretty sure he'll be fine. Lay On Hands and all that."

"How did it pan out? I mean, you obviously got away since otherwise we wouldn't have this conversation and stillborn attempt at phone sex..."

"I'd like to give you all the grisly details and especially those concerning our next case but I'm sworn to silence. The only thing I can tell you is that tomorrow-" she checked her phone's clock, "scratch that, later today I'm going to visit the House of Unearthly Delights. Ring any bells?"

"Actually, yes. I haven't been there myself -- yet! - but from what Mom told me, you can get every dirty little wish of yours granted. The girls there know more about you in a heartbeat than you'll ever admit to yourself and pleasure you in a way you won't forget. And the craziest thing? They don't even charge you for it!"

"Sounds... not like something I'd like to experience," Laura muttered. "And how is that sustainable?"

Vicky shrugged, setting her breasts a-bounce. "No idea. Mom didn't stop to chat about the economics of being a lust demon. She did get the messiest tentacle fuck of her life though. Man, her eyes light up brighter than the moon when she talks about it."

"No tentacles for me," Laura said. "One horny dark elf is enough to get me through my wildest dreams." She blew a kiss at the screen.

"May I touch myself again, oh beacon of propriety?" Vicky begged, her eyes large and pleading.

"Here's a challenge for you," Laura said. "Since you already have that plug up your butt, I want to see you play yourself, you know, two-handed combat style?"

"And how am I supposed to show you?" Vicky moaned, obviously turned on by the idea.

"That, my lusty priestess, is the challenge. I'm waiting..."

"You can be a godforsaken bitch sometimes!" Vicky complained. Then she snapped her fingers. There was the rustling of sheets as she covered herself. A moment later, Vicky called: "Daaaad!"

A heartbeat later, there was the sound of a door opening. Vicky rattled off something in breathless Dark Elven, which resulted in a good-natured, male laugh. There was a low chant and a moment later, a weird, wet explosion near the foot of her bed.

"Thanks, Dad. You're the best!" Vicky chirped.

"No problem. Say 'hi' to Laura for me," her father said, closing the door as he left.

"What just happened?" Laura dared to ask. "That sounded... nasty."

"Nothing to be concerned about," Vicky said. There was more rustling and a moment later, the camera's view changed to something at and above the foot of Vicky's bed. "I had him cast a nice, sticky Web above my bed. Boom, instant phone holder." She raised her dildo, a orange-and-green GobCo PleasureStick 2000 in a mock salute before invitingly sprawling onto the sheets. "Are you rrrready for the show? We should have a few hours before that web dissipates..."

* * * *

There was an urgent knock at Laura's door.

"Oh, come on," she groaned. "Can't a girl sleep in peace?"

The door opened a crack and Eric poked his head in. "Sorry, Snow White. There's a goblin lady downstairs waiting to see you. Also, it's almost breakfast o'clock. Not my problem if you spend your nights chatting with your girlfriend."

"Wha-... how do you know?" Laura stammered, sitting up. Her dildo clattered from the bed and rolled merrily across the carpet. Only then did she remember she had been sleeping in the nude after her chat with Vicky had turned naughty. She grabbed her cover.

Eric grinned crookedly. "Um... you moaned. Kinda loud. See ya later." He closed the door, leaving Laura sputtering and blushing. Three minutes later, she skidded to a halt in the chapter house's entrance hall.

Jessie from GobCo was waiting there, looking at one of the large paintings. It depicted a unicorn muzzling a scantily-clad elf maiden's palm.

"Good morning," Laura said. "Sorry to keep you waiting."

"Oh, it's cool," Jessie said, turning away from the painting. "Say, why is it always elves being painted like that? We greenies can be sexy too," she complained, jabbing her thumb over her shoulder.

"How should I know?" Laura said, shrugging. "What can I do for you? Have the roach thralls come back?"

Jessie shook her head, her ponytail flying. "No. But in all the commotion with the cops taking you in for questioning, you forgot your shopping. Mr. Gobson sends his regards!" She fetched a huge orange basket from next to the entrance. "For making sure we didn't end up as thrall food."

"Thank you," Laura said, hugging the goblin. "I totally forgot about my snacks."

Jessie beamed. "They're all in there, along with a few extra helpings and I believe a couple gift cards. I... only need you to sign a receipt. Don't want my boss to think I took the stuff for myself." Jessie pulled a neat notepad and a ball pen from her breast pocket and held it out for Laura to sign.

"Why would he think that? You don't look like the snack-stealing kind to me," Laura said, filling out the receipt. "Here you go."

"Mr. Gobson is old-school like that. Always talks about how you can't trust nobody and all that." Jessie inspected the form. "Stürmer? Like Horatio Stürmer, the legendary Inquisitor from the novels?"

"I'm afraid he's an unlicensed, fictional character," Laura said, grimacing. "And not a flattering one at that. Whoever this Eleanor Greendale is, she put in a lot of effort to slander our family name. She made him an alcoholic, womanizer, and cheater. The only thing he's good for is finding -- and fucking - witches. My parents spent a small fortune trying to slap her with cease and desists. To no avail."

"So you've read a few?"

Laura chuckled. "Well, that was kinda inevitable. They were ubiquitous back at school. Some of my classmates tried to make fun of me that way." She lowered her voice. "I have to admit, she has a certain talent for outrageous sex scenes but the plots are kinda weak and 'monster of the day' like. But don't tell anyone I said that."

"My lips are sealed," Jessie giggled. She tore a slip of paper from the pad and scribbled her number onto it. "I hope you don't mind," the goblin muttered, suddenly rather self-conscious. "I mean, if you want to hang out and stuff."

"I'd be delighted," Laura said, pocketing the slip. "Vicky... my girlfriend, I mean, she keeps telling me I should see people outside of work for a change."

"Cool. I can show you around... once I'm off work, that is," Jessie said, eagerly rubbing her hands. "I've got to make a few other deliveries first though."

"How about we hang out on the weekend? The next few days will be rather crowded, considering I just got here."

"Besides, Laura and I have to go visit a succubus brothel today," Eric said, strutting into the entrance hall. Jessie paled as she saw his mangled face.

"Okay then," the goblin sputtered. "I'm... I'm off!" She turned on her heels and fled.

"Next time, don't scare the little ones," Laura said, wagging an admonishing finger at him. "A question I was meaning to ask you, if you don't mind. Why didn't you heal your face once you were able to cast curative magic?"

Eric's scowl turned his face into a hideous visage. "That was literally the first thing I tried. When it didn't work, I asked everyone -- including Baron fucking Samedi himself!"

Laura walked towards the back porch. A loudly purring Maine Coon flopped onto its back at her approach, demanding a belly rub. She bent down and obliged. "Did you get any answers?"

Eric gnashed his teeth. "Yeah, I did. The priests told me that some ghouls inflict what is called vile damage and by the time Mama Louise got her hands on me, it was too late to purge it. And the loa said the scars are there to remind me of the debt I owe her."

"Sorry if I dragged up bad memories," Laura said, giving the cat one last tickle before continuing towards her breakfast.

"Memories? Girl, that's still current fucking events to me," Eric growled.

"Mind telling me what happened in the first place?" Laura asked, sitting down at the table. Jenna had left plastic covers on the breakfast foods and besides her, Eric and about half a dozen cats and raccoons, the back porch was deserted. She poured herself a cup of coffee.

"Not a problem. I've told it a couple times already, once more won't hurt," Eric said, flopping down opposite her and filling up a cup of his own. "Besides, since we'll be working together, you deserve to know a bit of my dirty past." He pointed a finger at her. "In return, I want to hear some kinky boarding school hijinx."

Laura chuckled. "You'll be disappointed."

"Not from where I'm sitting. Like I said, I heard your moaning all the way to my room last night. When there are moans, there's sex."

"Well, I do have a horny dark elf for a girlfriend," Laura admitted. "Don't they have same-sex couples where you come from?"

"Only on PornHub," Eric chuckled. "What, no cute boys in Occulto-High?"

"Oh, a lot," Laura admitted. "But I was way too busy to play the dating game."

"Then how come you ended up with that horny dark elf of yours?"

"Stop drooling. We were made roommates and she threw me a little birthday party when I turned eighteen. I had an... episode and her consoling me turned... sideways." She looked up. "Hey, I wanted to know about your past!"

Eric sipped his coffee. "No, no. You've already let slip so many juicy bits, now I want the full scoop. She consoled you. Didn't it gross you out, being hit on by a girl?"

"Grossed out? No." Laura fished for a few waffles. "Confused would be more appropriate. No one before tried to touch me like that. I didn't have many friends, besides my sword and my gun."

"I have a hard time picturing you as the outsider, the wallflower," Eric said, his voice much gentler now. "You're way too cute."

Laura met his gaze. "Looks have nothing to do with it. My name has."

"Jenna and Maria said something like that when you arrived," Eric said. "Still have no idea what that means."

"My family has been with the Order since the Founding. Heroes of legend, most of them gifted with powerful magic. Not me though. I can't even get a glow stone to light up for me."

"And that's bad?"

A raccoon jumped onto the table and headed straight for the plate filled with pancakes. Laura intercepted the furry thief, glad for the interruption. "You wouldn't understand," she said, banishing the chittering furball to the floor. "Enough stalling. What happened to you?"

"It's a rather short and kinda pathetic story. I wanted to impress a few street thugs so they'd let me join their gang," Eric said, shrugging. "They said 'Okay, you spend one night on Saint Roch's cemetery and you're in.'"

"And you did it."

"Sure, why not? How could I know that the fucking graveyard was infested with ghouls? It's a goddamn tourist attraction!" Eric threw his hands up. "I even brought a gun, to keep the hobos at arm's length."

"Something went wrong."

"Duh." Eric made a sour face. "I ended up nodding off -- and when I came to, the damn ghouls were all over me. I couldn't move and before I knew it, they were up in my face, with that ugly piece of shit tearing off my ear like it was a bit of chicken!"

"Ghoul paralysis," Laura dryly observed. "You're lucky to be alive!"

"That had nothing to do with luck and everything with the N'Orleans branch's scheduled ghoul culling that same night. Still, didn't save me from running around like something out of Saw."

"All things considered, you got off lightly," Laura said, draining her cup. "How did you end up serving a Life Debt?"

Eric gnashed his teeth again, his face an unreadable, terrifying mask. He eventually calmed down and tried his crooked smile again. "Mama Louise took it upon herself to put my life on a new path," he said slowly. "She said she was too old for the Order life anyway, so she wanted to make sure her powers would still be available once she was gone. So she did some Voodoo ritual and fused her soul to mine." He grimaced again. "You think you have it rough, trying to fill your ancestors' shoes? How about sharing your fucking head with a wise-cracking, eighty-something Voodoo priestess? I haven't jacked off for the past six months because every time I get the itch, I can hear her making a few suggestions on how to make it more intense!"

Laura nearly dropped her waffle. "Seriously?"

"Do I look like I'm joking?" Eric exhaled slowly. "So, how about you stop moaning about your oh so horrible school life? Could be worse, eh? Shall we talk to some lust demons for shits and giggles?"

* * * *

"How come I'm chauffeuring you around?" Eric asked, kicking the Order bus into gear.

"Hold that thought," Laura said, tapping her phone's on-screen keyboard.

--Where exactly is this brothel? She texted to Jenna. And where are you?

--Carpenter Street, behind the old Orpheum cinema. Also, thrall hunting with Doug. Any problems with Eric?

--He's a peach. Talk to you when we're back. Stay safe!

--Will do.

"Because I didn't have the time to get my driver's license just yet," Laura said. "I spent every free minute honing my combat skills, reading lore books..."

"And screwing around with your horny dark elf girlfriend," Eric said. "Where to?"

"Will you give it a fucking rest already? Sheesh," Laura hissed. "Carpenter Street, behind some old cinema."

The bandana-wearing cleric tapped the bus's aftermarket satnav and stepped on the gas.

"So... are you a lesbian then?" Eric asked after a few moments of silence.

Laura skewered him with a gaze. He didn't flinch.

"Why is this such a big deal for you?" Laura asked, slightly exasperated. "I like having sex with Vicky. Didn't have the time to fool around with a boy yet." Deciding that two could play at Inquisition, she asked: "How about you?"

Eric kept his eyes on the road. "Straight as fuck, girl. No cock for me."

"That came out rather vehemently," Laura said, a teasing lift in her voice. "Did something happen in that dirty past of yours you're ashamed of?"

"Nope. And now I can kiss my chances of finding a willing sex partner of any kind good bye anyway," he said, a bitter note in his voice.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Laura said, touching his elbow. "True love knows no bounds."

Eric snorted in disgust. "Don't try that romantic bullshit with me."

"Is that Eric speaking or Mama Louise?"

Stopping at a red light, Eric shot her a sidelong glance. "Both, if you have to ask." A bit milder, he added: "Do you have any idea how weird it is, seeing people with her eyes? She keeps drooling over Doug, for fuck's sake!"

"He's handsome, for a half-orc," Laura admitted. "I bet he'd be fun in bed, with his endurance."

"Can it already, will you?" Eric growled. "The last person I want to have a boner for is freaking Doug!"

Laura glanced his way. "You kinda have one though," she said. "Maybe it's a good thing we're about to visit a succubus brothel, let off some steam?"

"Shut up." Eric turned a corner and came to a halt in front of one of the more luxurious buildings in town, the art deco front a lavish explosion of black and gold. Age and neglect had been kinder to it than to most others. The movie posters were somewhat out of date though, proudly announcing Avengers Endgame and a Lord Of The Rings marathon.

"How much trouble do you think we'll be in?" Eric asked, opening the driver's side door.

Laura left the bus as well, walking to the car's rear and opening the hatch to get her sword. "Hopefully none," she said. "Fighting one succubus is hard enough. More than one... would require more than the two of us." She opened the weapons locker and pulled a few magazines of cold-forged iron bullets from it. "You can imbue my sword with holy energy?"

"I-... yes." Eric reached past her and picked up a vicious-looking flanged mace. "Shotgun or no shotgun?" he asked Laura.

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable," she said. She raised an eyebrow when Eric pulled a double-barreled beast from the locker. A rosary was wound around the stock and silver crosses inlaid into the foregrip.

"That was a Fox Model B once, right?" she asked.

Eric shrugged. "It belonged to Mama Louise and I know how to shoot it thanks to her. Don't ask me for specifics." He reached for the ammo box. Laura guided his hand towards the drawer filled with cold-forged iron buckshot.

"Thanks," he grumbled, stuffing two handfuls of shells into his jacket. "Why these?"

"Because succubi are allergic to cold iron," she said. "And anything blessed. Madame Robert-"

"Who?"

"Our monster lore teacher at Briou. Madame Robert. She's a succubus. Somehow she had forsaken the call of the Abyss and became if not a beacon of light, at least not a force of darkness. Anyway, she loves to shock first-years by placing communion wafers onto her forearms to demonstrate the interplay of holy and unholy powers."

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"She says 'no' because it's like flash paper. A small poof, a bright flame and a bit of sweet smoke. Looks hella impressive though. Let's go." Laura closed the hatch.

They found the entrance in a narrow alley behind the cinema. The plaque next to it was almost invisible thanks to a thick layer of dirt and the door, though sturdy, was absolutely unremarkable. Laura knocked. A moment later, the door creaked inwards. A dimly lit corridor waited beyond, its end shrouded in darkness. Behind her, she heard Eric's breathing quicken.

"Don't worry, there are no furious monsters waiting to eat us," she said.

"I'm not afraid!" he grumbled.

Laura stepped over the threshold. The floor boards underneath creaked softly. Three steps in, there was the by now familiar sensation of the world moving sideways. She blinked and reached for a wall to steady herself. The corridor had changed. Gone was the naked concrete, replaced with a soft velvet padding in dark crimson. Gold trim went along the finely stuccoed ceiling and plush carpet.

She heard Eric gasp behind her. "Are you all right?" she asked, glancing over her shoulder.

The young cleric caught himself on a wall and looked around in wonder. "That... was unpleasant. I thought the world was falling away around me."

"Congrats. You lost your teleport virginity then," Laura said, offering a playful grin. "Need a hand?"

"No, I'm fine." He grabbed his shotgun with renewed determination. "That wasn't there before," he said, pointing to a curtain at the far end of the corridor.