Rough Hands

He placed me on the bed and I expected penetration. But instead I felt lips on my nipple and a hand between my legs. Gentle. Oh, so gentle. Slow. Very slow. "Dammit, Coop. Quit teasing me. Pick up the pace. We have time for slow and stuff later. Please?"

He complied. He slid a finger in and brought his mouth to my clit. He licked, sucked, pulled. "Oh, God, Coop!" As if on cue my first orgasm, not self generated, in years roared through me and I groaned. I made animal noises. I loved it. I pulled on his arms and brought his head up to mine and we kissed. He kept his weight off me but I was engulfed by him.

I reached down and grabbed his cock which was hard and ready and guided it towards the opening that was waiting hungrily for him. This is gonna hurt. But I don't care. I guided it in a little. Pushed him back. Pulled again. Then out. He took over and started thrusting in and out. A little deeper each time. "Coop! Coop! Coop!" I groaned with pleasure. Ignored the small amount of pain.

"You're wonderful, Coop. Thank you, thank youuuuuuu!" I was having another orgasm. A whopper. I became lost in it. My pelvis arched upwards on its own accord and I grabbed his back with both hands and pulled myself close. It went on and on and I went limp for a second.

"Oh, Coop!" He resumed his thrusting. Harder, faster, deeper, until he was buried in me. I felt so full. It was wonderful. Then he shoved in deep, groaned and started ejaculating. His enjoyment made me cum again. And then we both stopped and lay still.

My hand was playing with his hair. I could feel his weight pushing me into the bed. I loved it. "Oh, Coop. That was incredible. You're incredible. I wish we could stay this way forever. And see? No scratches or bleeding." My hands ran across his back. Wet.

I looked at my fingers. Blood! "Oh, Coop! I'm sorry! I scratched your back and made you bleed. I was joking about the tiger. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I...It was just so great! I..I've never done that before. Dammit, Coop! What have you done to me?

"It's alright, Crys. I'll wear your marks with pride." I kissed him again.

"No resting on your laurels, Doctor. Your patient needs more. Time for another round. Where's that glove? Kidding." He was still hard and I pulled down on his butt to get him going again.

We spent the night snuggled in each others arms. Damn! When he spooned me it was more like being tucked into a warm mixing bowl or something. Heaven. But...When I awoke at first light I was still dreamy, reveling in the feelings, but worried.

I'd laid all my cards on the table. Professed my love and adoration. I shouldn't have done that. Never should have done that. I shouldn't have made him feel like I was pressuring him. What if he doesn't feel the same? He didn't say anything in response last night. I told him he didn't have to, but... God! If he calls it quits this morning....I have no idea what I'll do!

He stirred. I was staring at him when he opened his eyes. He stroked my hair. "You're even beautiful in the morning."

"You sound surprised."

"No, I...."

I put my finger on his mouth. "You're not so bad yourself. And if that's what catfish and hush puppies do to you, I'm closing the store and gonna start catfish farming." He laughed.

"Give me those big mits of yours." I inspected them carefully then kissed the palms again. "I love 'em. They made me a very happy girl." I threw the covers aside. "And look! No scratches, rips, tears, bruises or signs of any overt damage. Although I will say that I am a little sore....down there." And pointed. "But well worth it.

"Well, enough lollygaggin' around. Even though I would love to spend the next day, or maybe week, right here and I know that you professional types can lounge around all day thinking brilliant thoughts, we working people have to get going. I need to get home, shower and get to the store."

I went to give him a quick kiss, but he pulled me in and wrapped those damn wings around me and we kissed. "No, Coop. Really. I have to get going. I still have to get my car and stuff."

"Well, why don't you start the coffee. Everything's on the counter. I'll take a quick shower and drive you to your car."

"Sure, and wear these clothes you manhandled and wrinkled all to heck. Nope. You can take me home instead. I'll figure out the car later."

"No questions this morning? Actually I anticipated a lot of questions last night."

"I was going to ask them last night, but someone kept sticking some big old thing in my mouth and I wasn't sure I could enunciate clearly around it." And I gave his wiener a few quick strokes. Damn, who are you Crystal Buerger. You never talk like that.

"Just to be clear. I believe someone dragged it into her mouth rather than someone cramming it in there."

"Well, I may not have all the facts straight." Darn. He's making me blush. Weird. I don't feel self conscious about being nude in front of him. Not at all. It's like he just looks at me and loves what he sees instead of appraising, evaluating, weighing what he sees. Like that damn ex- of mine used to do. Married for years and self conscious until the end.

"Yes. I have thousands of questions. I figure you'll spill the important stuff when you're ready. Mean while, as I find my clothes: How tall are you? How old are you? Where'd you grow up? What's your sign? What's your favorite color? Do you really like chocolate best? What's your favorite pie? Do you like cows or horses better. How the hell did you become a farrier? Do you like to dance? Who's your favorite music group?

"Should I go on? Carefully consider your answers. Submit them in writing, in triplicate. No! Sorry. That's the government. Maybe you can answer tonight? Would you like to see me tonight?"

"Absolutely. 6'4", 30, outside Augusta, Pisces, blue, yes. Pecan, of course, horses, I thought it was cool, slow. The Cowsills. OK. Ready for the next round." I just stared.

"You're shitting me! The Cowsills? That could be a deal breaker...How the hell did you do that? I don't even remember the questions."

"Yes, I'm kidding. I try to always listen carefully to my patients."

"Are you comparing me to a cow? Well, you're the back end of a horse that doesn't smell good." He laughed. So did I. "Oh, Coop. What on earth am I going to do about you." I actually teared up. Love, fear of loss, just emotions? Heck, I don't know.

He hugged me and gave me another kiss. "There, there, Old Girl. I'll get you some grain and fresh hay."

I jumped up. "You ARE a horses ass." But I had to laugh. "Get going. Hurry, please."

And so it went. We were like two peas in a pod. Or here in Georgia, two peanuts in a shell. We laughed, we talked, we did so many things together even though we were both swamped with work. I cooked for Coop, tended his garden, took care of my dad and did his laundry and all the usual stuff, but still worked on expanding the business and educating the farmers.

I spent many nights at Coop's house and I was pretty floored when my dad didn't seem to mind at all. Never said a word. Guess he's afraid of having a spinster daughter. But Coop was holding back. Something was chewing on him. He never did say I love you and so I never did. I'd already bared my soul to him so the next move was his. He didn't seem all in.

He never did discuss the details of his first love although I learned just about everything else there was to know about him. I tried to get him to open up, to let me know what he was thinking, but no go.

His folks came to visit. I packed up my stuff and stayed with Dad. His folks stayed at his place. True to form, there were multiple emergencies so I ended up spending most of the time with his folks. Nice people. I showed them all around town, which took about ten minutes. We toured the country side, the lake, and even went to Mattie's. Everyone in town knew about Coop and I so I tried not to think about the additional 'condiments' that might have been added to my order.

I had a great time with his mom. We talked about him, cooked together, laughed together, took care of Coop's things together. I had them over for dinner and they hit it off with my dad. Next day when I went to Coop's to check on them she called me into the bedroom.

"Crys, we need to talk." Oh, shit. The four worst words on the planet. I wonder if all the other cultures have an equivalent? They must.

"Sure, Anna. What about?" She walked over to the dresser and opened the drawer with some of my bras and undies in it. I blushed. I'd forgotten that drawer.

"So, has my son become a cross dresser? And it doesn't look like any of these are his size. I assume therefore that you and my Coop are pretty close?"

"Uh, yes, M'am. We are."

"Like really close?"

"Yes, M'am."

"So how do you feel about him?"

I broke. I spilled my guts. "I love your son with everything I've got. I'm all in and I have no idea what will become of me if he ever breaks it off. I've loved him since he first walked in the Farm & Feed two years ago. I finally had to, well, I had to make the first, second, and third moves. And even told him right off the bat how I felt....

"We are so good together, he makes me laugh, we carry on like little kids, nights....well, nights are fabulous." I blushed again. "I can't believe I'm telling' you all this. But..."

"But he won't commit. He won't go all in. He's holding back." I nodded.

"That little bitch really, pardon my language, but that little bitch really fucked my son up! You know the story, right?" I shook my head.

"My son is such an ass sometimes. Just like his father. He dated this fancy pants girl all during vet school. She thought she was really something and her shit didn't stink." Whispering, "It did. She went at our place a few times. And I can tell you...

"He loved her more than anyone should love someone else. Her name was Eleanor and put on so many airs that she changed it to Eléa. She was an ass and he never saw any of it.

"In any event, she's finishing her PhD in French, of all things, and two months before they're about to get married she starts having an affair with a fellow student, this little scrawny, wire-rimmed guy who shaved all his hair named Tristan. Even his arms were shaved!" She said sarcastically. "Then like two weeks before the wedding she dumps Coop and flies off to Paris. Her parents and I, and Coop had no warning and had to cancel all the wedding stuff. Cost her parents a bundle.

"She sends them a Christmas card once a year. Big effing deal. We finally moved her stuff into storage and got rid of her apartment. Her car just sits at her folk's house. They're still pissed and cut all her money off. No idea what happened to her.

"All of that would be awful, but she must have said some things to him that made him feel like a freak. He wasn't near the man he was before. I can still see some of it in his eyes, but, my dear, you have made a huge difference in his life. A mom can feel it.

"I still have no idea what she said, do you?"

"He never has been willing to discuss it. But I kinda have a notion. She was cruel. Maybe to make it easier on herself. She had to know what she was doing was wrong, right? But she apparently told him he was too big, too hairy, that what he did with animals disgusted her. Damn! All the things that I love about him. He's like snuggling with a big old grizzly bear. I feel so warm and safe..."

"You do love him don't you?" I nodded. "And you're the kind of woman he needs."

"Anyway, she said something about his hands that crippled him. The only way I have surmised any of this is that he would wince and look pained when I first hit those topics and I had to tell him how much I loved those things about him.

"I shouldn't tell you..."

"Crys! Dammit! We're having a woman to woman talk about a man we both love. I know what people do together. Just like his dad and I still do."

"God! Don't tell him that. I'm pretty sure that he thinks you two did it like one time for each kid under very sterile conditions." We both laughed. "But, Anna. He wouldn't touch me. I finally jumped up and took my clothes off and he looked like he was ready to cry. My grizzly was ready to cry. He said his hands were disgusting. All calloused, cut up, and rough. That it would scratch my skin and I'd leave.

"I'm starting to cry right now. It was the saddest thing. I took his hands and kissed them and finally put them where I wanted them and it was great. He is always so gentle...Sorry. TMI. But as soon as we were done I stood up and showed him that there were no scratches or anything."

"But he's still holding back, right Crys?" I got tears in my eyes again.

"It's like I can feel her ghost or something. Like she's always there somewhere in the background. I worry that she'll come back and then he'll be gone. That I've never really had a chance. That's what my husband did. Left me for his first love when I was pregnant."

"Where's your child, Crys?"

"I lost her right after he left." I was crying full out now.

Anna hugged me. "Oh, Crys. I'm sorry to put you through this. This must be awful for you. But thanks for filling me in. Just know that his dad and I would choose you over any other woman on this planet."

"Thanks, Anna. It's been three months. I don't know how long I can go on waiting for the other shoe to fall. I find my self starting to pull back. Go into defensive mode. It feels like some big ole rat is gnawing holes in the feed bags of my heart like at the store and all the good things are leaking out onto the floor or something.

"Please hang in there, Crys. And if you need someone to talk to I'm always just a phone call away..

And then it happened. "I need to talk to you, Crys." Six words, but still the sound of doom.

"Sure, Coop. What's up?"

"Well, you know I was engaged..."

"No, I didn't. You never shared that with me." He looked flustered.

"I was engaged and she left for Paris a couple of weeks before the wedding."

"Oh?" I knew this, but wanted to know where he was going with it. Confession time. Or....

"Uh, yes. And now she's back and wants to patch things up with her folks..."

"And talk things over with you, right?" He nodded. "And this is the same girl that 'talked' to you about your size, your hair, and your hands...." He nodded. "And she's the reason why you still have one foot out the door when it comes to you and me..."

"No! Crys, I think you're fabulous! I...I..."

"...Am still hung up on my first love even if she hurt the hell out of me, right? Is that what you're trying to say, Coop?" He nodded. "Well, you have to go. Remember, I've been down this road before. I know what's at the end. I'd rather have it happen now than after we were married or had kids or anything. So go!"

I couldn't help it. The tears rolled down my cheeks. "I knew this was going to happen, Coop. I just knew it from the way you've been acting, when are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow."

"OK. Well, let me grab my stuff. When and if you come back, we'll see where we're at. Thank you for everything, Coop. It's been wonderful. And a time I will always treasure.

I do love you, Coop. With all my heart and soul for now and probably forever, but I don't want to be the girl who's sleeping in your bed while she's the one you're always wondering about in that head of yours. All the time thinking 'what if.' I just can't do it. I won't do it. Never again."

"Crys...I"

"No need to say a thing, Coop. I'm a big girl and life is complicated. Have a safe trip. On second thought, I'll just get my stuff after you leave. Any idea how long you'll be gone?" He shook his head. "Why don't I take the dog with me. And I'll water the garden if it needs it."

"Thanks. Crys, I..."

"DAMMIT, COOP! I get it! Pick her, pick me, or hell, pick someone else. But you need to pick someone and give it your all. I love you, Coop." He reached out, but I avoided his grasp. I drove off, but stopped and cried my eyes out on the way home.

"Crys? What's wrong?

"Nothing, Dad. Just deja vu, all over again as the saying goes. The dog's gonna stay with us for a while, alright?"

"No problem, Hon. You sure there's nothing I can do to help." I shook my head, afraid to talk. I dragged the dog to my room to sleep with. At least I had something. I started sobbing, but then decided I should call his mom to give her a heads up. So I pulled myself together.

"Anna. This is Crys. She's back in town and Coop is leaving tomorrow to be with her. Thought I should give you...well, to let you know."

"That damn fool. Men are so stupid. Did he say what he was planning?"

"Not really. She wants help reuniting with her folks and she wants to talk to him. Oh, Anna! I don't know if he's coming back or not." So, I lost it and started sobbing. I needed a woman to talk with and had no one else. No one since my mom passed. It just hurt so badly.

"Crys. I am so sorry. We'll keep our fingers crossed. I told her mom all about you and even she thinks you're a better match for him. But remember, my girl. You are a beautiful, wonderful girl who I love like a daughter. And you deserve someone who can't stand to be away from you. Who watches the clock all day, counting the moments until he can hold you. Don't settle for less."

"That's pretty much what I told him. No longer would I be the girl he was sleeping with while he was thinking and dreaming about someone else. If he comes back, and he wouldn't commit to even coming back to town..." And I sobbed again. "Sorry, Anna. If he comes back, he's either gonna be 100% in or 100% out. I can't do what I've been doing any more.

"Good girl. I understand. I'll keep you posted."

"Thanks, but I'm not sure I want that. I'm dropping off the planet until he either hands me some flowers, begs for forgiveness, and tells me he's all in, forever. Or is gone out of my life, forever. If he comes back and doesn't want me. I...I think I'll probably have to leave town and go somewhere new."

"Oh, Crys, I'm so sorry. But I understand. And to be honest I think I would do the same. But please stay in touch, no matter what."

"OK. I'll try. Take care, Anna. Good luck. Bye.

"Come here, Doggie. I need someone to snuggle with. Sorry if I get your fur all wet. But dang it. You're getting a bath tomorrow. With lots of soap. You smell too much like Coop." And I can't stand it. Damn it, Coop. Why? What's wrong with me? Why am I not enough?

"Hi, Mom. Surprise!" He gave her a hug. She didn't return it.

"Yes. Yes, it is quite a surprise, Coop. Why are you here? What are you doing?"

"I..I... Well, Elle..."

"I know what you came to do. But why are you doing it?"

"How? I..."

"Crys had the courtesy to call and let me know. You are such a fucking idiot. Pardon my French. But without doubt you are the dumbest son a bitch on earth."

"Mom?"

"You walked away from the best girl on the planet. A girl who loves you with every fiber of her being and all she wants.... All she wants is love in return. Nothing else. She loves you just the way you are. Doesn't want to change a thing. Why? Why the heck are you doing this? To you, to her?"

"She said she understood..."

"Of course she said that. What did you want her to do? Get on her knees and beg? If she had to do that, well, she'd never be able to look herself in the mirror again. And would you still respect her? Or would you still be thinking of miss high and mighty, better than the rest of us?"

"Mom, she wants to reunite with her folks. She just wanted me to help her with it."

"That's bullshit. Coop, you're sounding dumber and dumber. She doesn't need you for that. She must have gotten dumped by Tristan the wonderful and now she wants you back. Right?"

"I don't know, Mom. She never said....She has a little girl."

"Perfect. So, if you two get back together you'll love that child and treat her as your own."