Rudra and Riya Ch. 08

My cheek rested on his warm chest. I placed a kiss where his heart was and felt him gingerly draw me closer in his embrace. I sighed. My heart swelled painfully in my chest.

I recalled the day, the agony on his face, the way he had screamed my name when he thought I was dying. I shuddered.

"You okay baby?" he asked with concern.

I nodded against his chest, too scared to use my voice.

What had I thought? That he didn't love me? I felt stupid now. There was no one in this world who'd ever love me like him, and there never would ever be. My eyes welled.

I'd broken the peace and shattered the delicate balance that ran through our dynamics. Now everything was in shambles. I couldn't even look him in the eye, I felt so guilty. Rudra and ma did not even glance at each other in my presence. Trying to side step the elephant in the room, all of us treaded on eggshells.

What I had done, made my heart sink, specially what I had done to ma. I had forced him into her life only to abruptly take him back again for myself. I felt ashamed. I couldn't talk about it to either of them. I missed my babies. I couldn't ask Rudra to take me home to them. I knew why he had decided to keep me at the suite. It wasn't just because the hospital was closer, the guilt made the reason even more difficult to bear. I hadn't seen ma. I knew she was taking care of the babies and she was busy. The little one, Joel, was probably keeping her on her toes. Born premature he had barely made it. I had almost lost him. If they hadn't taken him out of me on time, I closed my eyes shaking the image out of my head.

Dr. Sid had been kind enough to send a nurse to help ma take care of the children during the day. But I knew the task of breast feeding them fell entirely to her. I felt guilty. She was doing this for me, for a daughter who had given her nothing but misery.

I needed to fix this, no matter how. It had been three months since the incident. I missed our life, before I had stupidly destroyed it. I would give anything to have us all live under the same roof again. My chin trembled.

"Rudra," I started slowly. "I'm missing the babies. Can I... see them?" I stuttered.

He cleared his throat and gently squeezed me in his embrace. "When you've recovered thoroughly."

I'd woken him from his sleep so I decided to pursue it in the morning instead.

I dreamt horrible dreams all night. No matter how much I tried, ma would not forgive me. What the doctors had told us at the hospital kept repeating over and over in my head. "You cannot have any more children. Your heart will not bear another pregnancy." I felt grateful that I had been able to have Joel but felt sad that Rudra and I would never make another baby again. I knew how much we both would miss that.

The thought occurred unbidden. Ma could still conceive, but I'd ruined that last chance too. Every morning I heard him jack himself off in the shower. I knew he was having a difficult time. To think he had another wife back home and it was because of me that he wasn't going to her made me feel terrible.

"Let me?" I offered one morning when I heard him in bed. If nothing else I could at least give him this much respite.

"Did I wake you?" He stuttered apologetically and scrambled out of bed in embarrassment. He didn't even meet my gaze.

Why was he punishing himself for what I had done? Why had he stopped being with ma? The thought shattered the little peace I had left remaining. I had never wanted this. I had only wanted his love but not at the cost of his misery or ma's misery. I cried my sorrow into the pillow.

"Riya, are you all right?" He strode to my side and kneeled beside the bed. He looked into my face. "Riya?" I heard fear in his voice, and I began to cry again.

"Riya," he made a dash for his phone then sat next to me again. "What's wrong? Please." He was in agony.

"I want to see the babies." I cried. I couldn't say what I had wanted to. It just felt too shameful to say that I wanted things to go back to the way they were before I had mucked up everything for all three of us.

"Riya," He exasperated pressing his head into the pillow next to me. "I told you baby, I'll take you home, as soon as you've recovered completely."

"But I have recovered. I want to see the babies. I miss them."

I wanted him to be home. I knew he only needed to be in close proximity to ma, then nature would take its course and everything would go back to normal again.

"I'll take you when the doctors say so. You know how far it is. We barely made it...," his voice trailed off. "I can't risk it again." He shook his head hiding his tears from me.

Then a brainwave hit me. "You're going home and installing all the cameras in the house so I can at least see them when I want to. Tell me that you will?"

"I will. Calm down now."

The next morning when we woke he had a massive erection. I pretended to be asleep while he grunted under his breath to his own ministrations. An hour later he was jacking himself off again under the shower. I decided I would just have to do something drastic to get him back together with ma.

Over the weekend, he got ready to drive home with a guy to install the cameras so I could watch and talk to the babies whenever I wanted to.

"Will you be all right Riya? I'll be back as soon as I can."

"Don't worry about me," I tried to assure him.

"Just take care of yourself while I'm gone. I'll be back home before dark. I've asked Sid to send a nurse to look after you while I'm away." He placed a kiss on my forehead.

"Go now," I murmured. "I'm all right." I placed a kiss on his cheek. "Go. I want to see the babies."

He nodded then and tore himself away from me.

It was almost afternoon by the time he asked me to remotely access the camera and I was able to see our babies for the first time in three months. My throat felt choked from trying hard not to sob out loud. Rivulets of tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Then ma got baby Joel in her arms, and a long howl issued from my lungs. I couldn't bear to be away from him anymore. A thunder storm had broken outside quite similar to the one inside me. Rudra tried as hard as he could to console me.

"I'm sorry baby, I should've done this sooner." He choked on tears too. "Please forgive me."

That made me cry even more. I was the one in need of forgiveness. I had done this to all of us.

"Don't cry baby, please. You're breaking my heart, Riya. I'm coming back. We'll both watch them together."

"No, it's raining so hard. You're going to stay there until it subsides," I ordered wiping my tears at once. "Stay there."

"Don't worry about..." he began but I cut him short.

"It's a thunderstorm and you're not coming home Rudra. Do you hear me?" I snapped at him in disbelief. This was all I needed now, him risking his life for me.

I talked to ma, both of us awkward around each other. She had lost a lot of weight, and my heart sank even more. Taking care of the babies was telling on her. But she did look younger. The weight loss had taken years off of her age. I could make out the slight outline of the nipple rings that Rudra had gifted to her on their wedding night. My heart contracted painfully in my chest. She still wore them.

From the corner of my eye I could see Rudra pace the floor restlessly. He'd need a bit more persuading to spend the night, I thought. Once we were done I thought it better to give both him and ma some time alone. My presence was probably putting an additional strain on them. Before turning the screen off at my end, I spoke to Rudra again.

"Please don't upset me more by trying to return in this weather. Do you hear me?"

"Yes," he answered reluctantly looking away.

I shut the screen at my end, but I could still hear everything.

I heard the babies cooing and the toddlers playing, with a smile on my lips. They had become a real handful and I admired how ma at her age was able to take care of all of them. I eagerly waited for the evening that I might hear something welcoming. The silence of the adults was only broken by the appearance of Dr Sid, who'd come down to check on baby Joel. Only a handful of words were exchanged formally when mother asked Rudra whether he would sleep in his room or take ma's room for the night. I could hear an underlying tension in their voice and I prayed that they would soon get past it.

Dr Sid probably left soon after. I felt so grateful, that he had decided to pay the baby a visit even in this terrible weather.

Rudra called before turning in for the night. He had asked the nurse to stay on until the day after.

I assured him the hundredth time that I was all right. Then reluctantly he called off.

All night I kept awake but heard nothing. My heart felt heavy.

I was awake before ma, to the cries of the babies. A few seconds later I heard ma stumble from Rudra's room into the nursery, while she crooned lovingly to start the tedious task of breastfeeding the little ones.

Morning came and the skies cleared and Rudra wasted no time driving back home. It was like he was running away from some demons before they caught up with him.

"How are you doing?" He searched my face.

"I'm fine," I said happy to see him in spite of the guilt I felt of having separated ma and him.

His features relaxed. I wondered whether he was worried I'd worked myself into a tizzy over his spending the night alone with ma.

I extended my arms and he walked into my hug. I trussed myself up against the pillows on the dewan by the window. He kicked his shoes off and climbed into my embrace, lying between my legs so his face nuzzled against my breasts. He took a long breath.

"I like the smell of you."

"Hmm more like my breasts," I whispered drawing him closer.

For a moment he looked up and I placed a warm kiss on his forehead. The love I felt for him tickled my insides until I turned to jello.

In return he parted my blouse until my breasts were bare. Every time his fingers brushed against my skin, I felt fireworks and I knew from his tiny reactions that it got him worked up too. I was in no condition to have sex though. The other day when he had pulled me into his arms for a kiss, feeling his arousal, my heart had begun to painfully drum in my chest. I had started to wheeze and then hyperventilate to his horror. He had pulled me into his arms and gently rocked me until I could breathe easily again.

Tentatively he pecked one breast keeping his eyes on me, when he was sure I was okay he ravenously took a nipple into his mouth.

Involuntarily he closed his eyes, the way I loved so much.

He was my baby. I drew him more against my breast and began to kiss his head. His hair was soft and silky and fresh from a shower. Here and there it had begun to turn grey. I wondered what he would look like when he grew old, but one thing I was sure of I would love him just as much as I did now, if not more.

I placed a wet trembling kiss on his forehead. He was bunting like a fawn.

"I love you, you know that don't you?" I whispered into his ear sucking on his earlobe.

"Riya, don't baby," he lifted his head briefly, his breath came in a gasp against my nipple. "I'm already going crazy for you."

"Hmm," I brushed his lips with a kiss, lifted my breast then placing my other hand behind his head, gently guiding him back to my nipple. I held him there while he suckled hungrily at my tit, biting and gnawing and sucking.

It was making me horny, but after the last time I couldn't give into temptation. His need for suckling was so grave that I could not refuse him, the only small pleasure I could afford him right now. Even though I knew it would only leave us both unsatisfied in the long run. I needed him so much right now, I had begun to tremble. He was aroused too, I knew the way he pushed his pelvis into the mattress beneath.

Had I been in perfect health, I could only imagine how he would have taken me, the mere thought made me breathless. On some masochistic level I wished he would, not caring for my surgery. The physical part of me wanted him to consume me, but my emotional self admired the strength he exercised of keeping himself in check.

For a moment he lifted his head to look into my flushed face, and he knew I wanted him just as much. I was already wheezing. He pulled himself up to place a kiss on my trembling lips. His eyes said I understand your plight.

"You okay?" He asked huskily.

I nodded licking my lips. Then he was ravaging my other breast.

Once he was done. He rested a while against my breasts. "I think I need a shower," he said looking at his arousal.

I sniggered. I think I need one too, can I accompany you.

He laughed then let out a sigh. "Not today, I'll end up killing you. I'll be back in a moment."

"At least leave the door ajar," I pouted.

"Shameless."

"We take what we can," I smiled sheepishly. But I so wanted to watch him right now. I was already getting agitated, I so wanted a release myself.

He nodded before getting into the bathroom with the glass cubicle that we'd had so many romps in, I couldn't even count the times.

Before stepping in he began to unbutton his shirt keeping his eyes on me. My eyes roved hungrily on his bare chest. I wanted to lick him all over.

He pushed his pants down and there was a huge tent in his briefs. My eyes fixed on the prize. It sprang to life, hard and erect, bobbing lightly when freed. Rudra held it proudly, in his fist and unconsciously I licked my lips.

Lithely he stepped into the shower and turned the shower on. Only a few strokes and he had cum already. That was rather disappointing and I scowled at him. I was expecting a long drawn out show.

He finished taking his shower and came out. He threw on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans then padded across the room to me.

He chuckled watching my expression.

"What was that?" I asked annoyedly. "You've never cum so quickly when you're inside me."

"Riya!" His expression changed. "Stop saying such things, I'm barely keeping my sanity." He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. "Did you take your medicines?"

I nodded reluctantly.

"You know the baby looks like you when he's grouchy." He tried to make things light.

I rolled my eyes. "Right! Even a blind man would say he looks like you!"

"Right!" "What time did the nurse leave?" He asked.

"About an hour ago," I replied mellowing down.

"Did you have breakfast?" He asked.

I nodded again, "Did you?"

"Nah, I thought I'd have it here with you."

"Oh! I was just so hungry." I tried explaining.

"It's okay baby."

"I'll go get something for you." I began to get up.

"No, stay, I'll help myself," he ordered at once.

"I need to start doing something around the house now Rudra. How long can I just lie in bed?"

"As long as it takes for you to recover completely."

"How will we know if you don't let me do anything? Besides I made breakfast for myself this morning and nothing untoward happened. You just like keeping me in bed." I looked accusingly at him.

"Fine," he said reluctantly. "Just something simple, don't exhaust yourself unduly."

"I won't," I kissed his lips before shuffling towards the kitchen.

In the heat of the moment I'd forgotten entirely about ma. I had wanted to ask him why he'd returned so quickly that he should've spent more time there. But the moment had now passed. Maybe next time I thought.

That night Rudra and I both sat before the screen and chatted with ma and the babies. I was surprised to know that Dr Sid had decided to spend the night and wondered if everything was all right with the babies.

On enquiry we found that Vansh was running a fever and was down with chicken pox.

I was so grateful that Sid had decided to stay on. I thanked him thoroughly for his generosity. But I was so hopping mad with Rudra. Once I'd turned the screen and the mic off, I let myself go.

"Why the hell were you in such a tearing hurry to leave? You didn't see the babies before you came? You didn't know that Vansh was running a fever?" My voice trembled. "What if Vansh needed immediate medical attention? Rudra? How could you do this?"

"I didn't think about it Riya," he spoke slowly.

"Then what were you thinking about?" I glared at him waiting for him to reply. "Answer me?"

"You," he looked into my eyes.

The realization dawned on me. I opened my mouth to say something but I didn't know what to say.

He began slowly. "The last time, I was distracted from you for just a while, and you... you decided to die on me." He swallowed. "I...I can't lose you Riya. I can bare anything...but not that." He stared into the distance reliving god know's what nightmares.

"I'm sorry," I hugged him to myself. "I didn't mean for any of it to happen," I bit into my lip, "but just the thought... of you not loving me was so unbearable...it broke me."

He shook his bent head. "I will never stop loving you Riya, when will you know that?"

We both cried in each others arms.

"I'm sorry what I did to you...to you and ma...," I started but he did not want me to go any further.

"I always knew that was a mistake Riya." He got up at once not wanting to hear another word about it.

"Please let me speak. The guilt is killing me," I beseeched.

"It shouldn't, it's my guilt to bear, not yours." He almost sounded angry.

I closed my eyes. How could I explain to him, that all along it was me who had coerced them to do it?

"Please at least hear me Rudra." I held his hand to keep him from walking away. He relented reluctantly.

"This is not your fault Rudra. I did this. I was so afraid of losing you that I forced you and ma into it. It's all my fault." I held my head down in shame.

"Why would you say that Riya, when you know I did it?"

"Because you didn't," I began to sob. "I was so afraid of losing you...when I was pregnant the second time, I was too big to be with you. I was so afraid you might succumb to your needs, that I begged mother to be with you."

"What?" He barely whispered then grew silent.

I clasped my hands to stop them from shaking. "I asked her and she refused, but, I planted the seeds in her head. It wasn't her fault. She only gave into her loneliness Rudra. You're not to blame either. I couldn't satisfy you, I was so tired all the time and we were forever fighting. When suddenly that day it happened I was shocked at my own reaction to it. I felt appalled and aroused at the same time. I didn't know what to make of it. I couldn't understand it. But watching you two together, it aroused me beyond belief. It was like I was watching you do things to me, that you were doing to her... "

I trailed off finally unburdening myself before him. But when I looked back at him a nerve had started to thrum in his throat. His lips pursed into a hard line and my heart began to painfully throb in my chest.

He began to get up.

"Rudra," I whispered, then lunged to hold him. I tried to cling to him. "Say something," I barely spoke unable to comprehend his reaction or what he would do next.

"Don't," he whispered through thin lips and I froze.

He walked out of the bedroom. My head spun and I closed my eyes feeling sick and dizzy. I placed my palm over my throbbing heart. "Rudra?" I called out too scared to trust my trembling legs.

Then suddenly it occurred to me. In my need to unburden my soul I hadn't thought about the consequences. Where was he going? In shock I blindly stumbled in the direction of the door. A stab of pain lanced through my heart and my throat constricted. I remembered the surgery and felt my heart. Was he going to leave me? I broke into a cold sweat.

"Rudra," I whispered painfully before I saw the hexagons on the floor hit me.