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"Pauline, can I ask you a personal question?"
"Sure, we're both baring our souls today. Go ahead, ask anything." She said.
"What happened between you and Bruce?" Bruce was Pauline's second husband, they divorced a couple years ago.
She got melancholy, and then said remorsefully. "I think it was doomed from the start."
"Why?" I asked.
"When you lose someone you love with all your heart, you don't stop loving them. They are always there, in your mind, in your heart. Sure, there is the physical void you feel, but they are still part of you. So, when someone else comes along they have to share your love with that deceased person. That is hard to do. They want all of your love, they typically don't want to share.
With us it was even more complicated, I had two pre-teen boys to contend with. They weren't hostile toward him, but he wasn't Ken, he wasn't their dad.
I think the final nail was when we were in our second year and he started talking about selling the house and moving out of the neighborhood. Ken and I bought that house as newlyweds. We remodeled it together, welcomed our babies home to that house, I couldn't leave it.
Also, I couldn't leave the neighborhood. My parents died in a car crash when I was in college. So, when I lost Ken, I lost my family. The neighborhood came to my rescue, supported me, and loved me. They became my family. I couldn't leave them.
Well, it was all over but the crying, which I did a lot of, but the neighborhood, your husband especially, supported me again, and has since. When I go to work at the hospital, I know I don't have to worry about my two sons. They are being looked after by friends and neighbors, my family."
She spoke with such passion, it made me think back to when we bought our house. The neighborhood was different then. It changed into what it was, in large part, because of Kurt.
We chatted some more and then Pauline had to leave to get some sleep before her night shift.
When Kurt came home I had the casserole heated up and dinner on the table. We enjoyed a wonderful meal together.
After dinner I asked Kurt, "Can we talk?"
"Sure honey, what about?"
"About the elephant in the room." I said.
He jokingly looked around, then turned back to me, got serious, and said, "I guess we're overdue."
"Kurt, first of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am. I know I've said it hundreds of times, but I need you to understand that if I could change it I would."
"I know that Deb. You don't think that I see the pain whenever something reminds us of what we went through?"
"I know, but you know I love you, right?" I said.
"Of course, honey. Now you're getting me worried."
"Don't be. I just want you to understand that I love you, and always will."
"Okay, so what do you want to talk about?" He said.
"It's about those six months when we almost fell apart."
"Okay." He said hesitantly.
"I know this is going to sound hypocritical, but when you decided that you were going to live the "just sex" lifestyle I was distressed and upset. You weren't the man I married, he would never do that. Yes, I know, it was all my fault, and I deserved paybacks, but it still didn't make me feel good to know what I had done to you, to your core being."
"Okay, so."
"I learned from Pauline today that it was all a ruse. You never slept with anyone, at least that is what she told me."
"Deborah, you had really hurt me. I know, I was trying to hurt you back." He was silent for a minute. I couldn't say anything, I could say I was sorry, but he had heard it all before, many times. Then he said, "Deborah, let me tell you something that you don't know about me. When we got together neither of us were virgins, we knew that. We even said, "What's in the past stays, in the past."
He paused for another minute. "Well, I've only ever been with 3 women, other than yourself. The first was my high school sweetheart. The second was when I was 21, we were together about 2 years. The third was when I was 25, we also were together about 2 years.
With each one of them it was never "sex", it was always "making love". When you're with someone, you "make love". When you said it was "only sex", my world crashed around me. Was that all it ever was to you? Just sex? I poured my heart and soul into it every time I did it, how could it be "just sex" to you?
To be honest with you, I've hated the last 8 years of "just sex". If that is what it is supposed to be than I'd rather not do it at all." He declared.
I felt terrible hearing that. "Oh Kurt, I am so sorry. I feel like such a slut." Was I willing to bare my soul and tell him the truth about me? "I hesitate to tell you this. I don't know how you're going to look at me when I tell you this. I hate to tell you, but between my college years, and the five years after, I would have to say I've been with 10 times as many partners as you have. I'm not proud of that.
My first time was as a freshman in college. I got drunk at a party and one of the guys, I don't even know his name, took my virginity. I felt so used. So, I just attached no emotion to the sex act, that is until I met you. You were different. Evert time we did it, it was you making love to me. I could see it in your eyes. It was like I was the only person in the world.
These last 8 years have been torture for me. To have you taking me with no love in your eyes broke my heart."
I paused, wondering if I should tell him this next point. I knew it would bring back bad memories, but I had to tell him, I had to bare my soul. "The times with John were me reverting to my college slut days, thinking of it as just a physical act with no emotion. Again, I am so sorry. Do you think you could ever love me, and trust me, enough that I will see that love in your eyes when I'm physically able to get intimate again?"
I paused again, Kurt was silent. I wasn't sure what he was thinking. I couldn't stand the silence so I spoke up again, anything to take his mind off of what I had done. "Kurt, I know it is still going to be a while until I am healed enough to do "it" again, but I wish I could make it up to you."
"Deb, we both are guilty, me more for not forgiving you and just using you. I would like nothing more than to have my wife back, not just in my life, but in my bed."
I looked at my husband, we both had tears streaming down our faces. I so wanted to make up for all the hurt I had caused him. "Kurt, you know it will be a while, but if you'd like me to take care of you in the meantime I will." Of course, I was talking orally.
Then he said something that told me that I had my husband back fully. "Deb, I think I'd like our first time after the surgery to be a special time. I don't want to cheapen it with substitutes, as much as I enjoy what you do to me." The last he said with a grin on his face and a wink of an eye.
I was so glad we finally had that talk. For 8 years I was afraid to broach the subject for fear that he would revert back into his shell, or that he would decide that he had had enough and I would lose him forever. On his side, he probably didn't want to talk about it because of the painful memories. Now maybe we could move forward. I feel like we lost almost a decade.
The next two months were spent loving each other emotionally every minute that we were together. I couldn't even guess how many texts, "I Love You" and "Me too" that were sent back and forth when we weren't together physically. I couldn't wait for the doctor to give us an all clear to resume our sexual relations, no not sex but love making, hopefully.
When he did give us the all clear Kurt surprised me by making a reservation to a luxury resort for 4 days, Thursday through Sunday. To say I was overjoyed and nervous would have been an understatement. I was worried too. Would Kurt like the feel of the "new me"? I knew I was going to have to artificially lubricate. That would have to be something we would have to get used to. I wasn't sure how it would feel to him or to myself. I prayed that we would find enjoyment both physically as well as emotionally.
When we got to the resort it was like we were on our honeymoon. We couldn't wait to get to our room. When we did, we were tearing our clothes off.
I know he had seen me naked with my scar many times since the surgery, but I was self-conscious about it now. Before I took off my camisole, I told Kurt, "Let me go get ready and I'll meet you in the bedroom."
I grabbed my overnight bag and went into bathroom. As I took my camisole off, I looked at myself again. I knew Kurt loved me for me, not my body, but it still hurt to look at my scar knowing my husband would have to live with this for the rest of our lives.
I got out a teddy that I had secreted into my luggage. I had bought it new, deep red, with just enough material to cover my scar, yet also just enough to show a lot of skin to entice my husband. I hoped he would like it. I put lubricant in to my new vagina in anticipation of what was to come.
I was nervous as I opened the door, would we be back to where we once were, before I destroyed it. Would we make love and forget about the past?
I said a little prayer as I opened the bathroom door. "God, please let my husband love me fully, as I love him."
I needn't have been nervous. When he saw me his eyes lit up.
"You look amazing!" He said.
My heart leapt, then he said, "I hope you don't expect that to stay on long. I'm so hot for you, I could tear it off of you."
I smiled and said, "Just the reaction I was hoping for."
He reaches out to me and grabs my hand. I'm speechless as he leads me to the bed. He grabs me, kisses me lustfully, and then lays me down. He unties my shoulder straps and starts kissing his way to my tits. He lifts his head up, admiring them. I look at him as he looks up at my face, I see lust in his eyes. Then he zeros in on my nipples and takes turns sucking on them. They were already hard, now they are like pencil erasers, and wow are they sensitive. As he suckles on one, then the other, my breathing starts to get heavy. Soon I explode in an orgasm just from having my nipples sucked. It has been years since I've orgasmed just from having my nipples sucked. I am elated, my husband is making love to me.
After I calm down he unsnaps the snaps at the crotch of my teddy. I wonder how I smell. The new me with the lubricant has to be an unfamiliar smell to him. I see his nostrils flare and a smile form on his face. He must be able to smell something, and he seems to like it. I hope I have put enough lubrication in. I don't want anything to interrupt what he is doing to me.
He teases me by kissing my pubic mound, then he tortures me by moving away, down my legs, heading for my toes. He knows that my toes are sensitive and are an erogenous zone for me. He starts kissing and licking them, and even nibbling on them a little. I pant, "Oh Kurt, you're driving me wild."
He finishes with my toes and works his way back up to my pussy. I spread my legs in anticipation and he dives right in. He hits my clit immediately and within moments I am cumming in extasy. As I start to come down, he lifts my legs and does what has become a norm for our sexual routine. He starts to kiss and lick my asshole. I start to think of what I know will be soon to come, him moving his way back up my body. He will soon be seeing my scar and I become self-conscious and try to pull him right up to my face. He becomes insistent on continuing his present endeavor, so I relax as the feeling of his tongue probing my rosebud is titillating.
Then he starts massaging my clit with his thumb as he puts a slight pressure on my pubic mound with his hand. The sensation of him probing me with his tongue and the clitoral manipulation sends me over the edge again and I scream and buck my hips in orgasm.
As I calm down, I look down to his face buried in my crotch. It is extremely wet. I know I had had a squirting orgasm. He has done that to me dozens of times over the last 8 years. I'm glad that that was not affected by my surgery.
As he works his way back to my breasts he pauses at my scar. I feel the apprehension growing within me. I wish he would have just ignored it. Then he does something that surprises me and also relaxes me. He gently kisses my scar. The way he does it is so loving, I can't believe it. This simple act has put my mind at ease. I realize that my husband will love me no matter what my body looks like.
He works his way back toward my breasts. He kisses his way slowly, driving me wild in the anticipation of my husband finally making love to me, after so long.
After spending a little more time on my breasts, he started kissing his way up to my neck. I love when he kisses me on my neck, it is so sensual. My breath started getting rushed again, I know that his cock is now just inches from waiting cunt. I need it soon.
He is nibbling and sucking on my earlobes as his engorged cockhead finds my new vagina. It is open and waiting for him. He goes slowly into me. I feel every millimeter of his shaft as it fills me. Yes, it feels different, but then again it feels familiar. Kurt's stiff gorgeous dick is back where it belongs.
He pumps me as he continues to suck on my earlobe. It is driving me crazy. I am enjoying it so much I close my eyes to concentrate on the new sensations. I swear I can feel the veins on his cock as he slides it in and out of me. The doctor has done a wonderful job making it as real as possible.
As I am approaching an orgasm I get a sense of Déjà vu. I have had sex with Kurt hundreds of times in the last 8 or so years. Sex in many ways, but this causes me to flashback to that day, so long ago, when he took me on the living room floor.
I start getting apprehensive. I am getting close and I know Kurt must be close too. It has been month's since we have had sex. I want to experience the orgasm simultaneously with him. I want him to love me fully. I am nervous, will this be the beginning of a new relationship for us or will this be the beginning of the end.
As he pumps into me, I started crying, tears of the unknown running down the side of my face. He starts pumping faster, so I opened my eyes to look into his. That's when I see it, something I haven't seen in 9 years, a total love. He is all there, I can see it and feel it, my husband loves me fully again.
He explodes into me and I join him in the extasy. My tears of apprehension of the unknown have turned to tears of joy.
We collapsed on the bed together. I was in heaven. The surgery, the recovery, the months of waiting were all worth it. I had my husband back! I was smiling from ear to ear as he looked into my eyes.
"I love you." He said.
"Me too." I said, and we laughed.
We laid there reveling in the bliss of the moment. It truly felt like we were newlyweds on our honeymoon, starting over.
After about a half an hour of kissing and loving small talk, I felt the need to have him make love to me again. His penis was soft, but I knew I could change that. I looked him in the eyes as I started fondling him. He could tell what I wanted and what I was going to do to make it happen.
I threw back the sheet and kissed my way down his chest and stomach. I could smell him, rather us, as I approached his cock. It was already starting to get hard in anticipation. I took his semi-erect cock into my mouth and swirled my tongue around the tip, paying special attention to the underside of the head. This caused him to become more erect.
I started working my lips up and down his shaft, sucking gently as I did. While I was doing this I tickled his balls with my fingertips. I moved slowly down his shaft, then back up to the tip, releasing it with a pop as I broke the suction. Then I put my lips on his head and pressed them together as I forced his cock to push into my mouth. I knew this drove him wild. He had told me it felt like he was popping my cherry every time I did that.
It didn't take long for him to get rock hard. I would have continued my ministrations as I looked up into his loving eyes, but I wanted him to make love to me again. This time, however, I would be on top, looking down into those loving eyes as I rode him and he fondled my breasts.
His cum in my new vagina was enough of a lubricant to make this very pleasurable for both of us. I rode him for about 20 minutes, getting him almost to the brink of climax and then slowing down. When I did let him explode it was as I was exploding in orgasm. The pressure of his pelvic bone on my clit as I rode him had been driving me crazy as I was driving him crazy.
The orgasm was powerful, as we looked into each other's eye there was no one else in the world. I let myself lay on top of him, enjoying the feel of his skin against mine. As I rolled off of him I said, "I love you." And he said, "Me too."
I had a huge smile on my face as we both fell asleep, exhausted.
After an hour I awoke to Kurt sucking on one of my nipples and playing with my clit. I looked down at him, he sensed my movement and looked up at me. There it was in his eyes, a full unreserved love. I smiled and hugged him.
We spent the whole weekend enjoying each other. We had a couple's massage, ate in a nice restaurant, walked hand in hand by the lake, and of course, made love. I couldn't get enough of it. It had been so long that I wanted him to make love to me as often as he could.
When we went home we didn't go back to our old routine. We promised each other that nothing would come between us, we would focus only on each other. Every day was as if we were newlyweds again. We didn't sweat the small stuff, and most everything was small stuff. We hardly ever fought, it just wasn't worth it. We had spent over 20 years together, we knew what to expect and knew how to please one another, so we did that. I just wished that it wouldn't have taken so long to get to this point.
Epilogue
Kurt
I stand here, my brother on one side of me (he had made the 5 hour drive) and Pauline with her boys (home from college to be here) on the other side of me. How was I going to go on? How was I going to make it? Deborah, the love of my life, had just left me alone. The cancer came back, it had metastasized through the lymph nodes and through her internal organs. By the time we knew it, it was to advanced to respond to any treatment.
We had made it to our 25th anniversary, barely. The last month had been brutal on her. It was hard seeing her in such pain and when she had decided to give up the fight, I knew it was for the best, for her.
Now I am alone. I just don't know what I'm going to do without her. How will I survive?
One of the last things she had said to me was, "We made it to 25 years, 15 more than I should have been given. Thank you for not giving up on us. I love you so much, always have, and thank you for loving me back, especially these last 5 years. They were true bliss. I love you."
I started crying at the memory. Pauline, with her arm around my shoulder, said, "Kurt, look around you, see the love and support."
I looked up from the grave at the cemetery. It brought back more memories. When Deborah and I had moved here the place was overgrown and barely kept up. The cemetery was originally a church cemetery, but the church had burned down so the city took over the property and its maintenance. A couple years after we bought our house Deborah and I decided that this was an eyesore that we could do something about. We started cutting back the overgrowth and mowing the lawn. Soon other neighbors joined us and in just a few weeks it was something we could be proud of. It became our neighborhood cemetery, we adopted it into our family. When the city came by, to do their minimal effort, they couldn't believe it. After a couple years they just let the neighborhood take care of it, and we were happy to do it.
