Rue the Day Pt. 03

This is the last installment of my 'Rue the Day' story, it would help if you read the other parts first. First of all, like most of my stories there is just enough sex to move the story along. If your looking for a lot of sex read another story. This is not a fluff piece, there are deep emotional things in this story. I hope you like the path I took this story down. I appreciate and read (and reread) all the comments on all my stories and hope that you will add yours to the mix. I, as well as others, enjoy reading the different viewpoints and thoughts about stories.

Thank You for spending your time with my thoughts. Rag

P.S. To Anonymous, yes I know this is an erotic website and also not every guy that forgives is a cuckhold.

*****

I am sitting at my desk trying to keep my mind on my job. I am nervous. Today is the day, the day Deborah will decide if our life together would end sooner or later. I am praying that she will be willing to fight for us to be together long into the future. The decision is, ultimately, hers though. I can see her decision going either way.

We have been married 19 years now. I am hoping to see our 20th anniversary. Hell, I am hoping we'll see our 50th! Our marriage hasn't been a bed of roses, in fact, the last 9 years have been strained. Although I've told her, and showed her, I loved her every day, I know that in another way I've made her life a living hell. I could understand if she chose to just give up and let the inevitable finally end it.

Nine years ago, when Deborah had an affair, I thought about ending it. I even went so far as to visit a lawyer about a divorce. I chose to stay married for selfish reasons, but also because, in reality, I didn't want a divorce. I loved her even though I hated her.

Now, 9 years later, I'm the one hoping she chooses to stay with me.

Our appointment is in half an hour. She stayed at home from work and I, choosing to give her space to decide, went to work. It is a good thing I'm no longer working on the machines. I probably would have done something stupid and got myself hurt because my mind would have been on other things. Instead, I sit in my office directing others to fix things. That, unfortunately, has given me a lot of time to think and reminisce about the last 20 plus years Deborah and I have been together.

Deborah

The appointment is in about a half an hour. I still haven't made up my mind. Either way I choose, our lives will change drastically, maybe forever. Ultimately, I have to decide if it is worth it. Kurt says, "Don't give up." But I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I did. He could find someone else, someone that he could love totally. I know he loves me, but ever since I cheated on him, the love is not there in our most intimate moments. To look in his eyes as we are joined, and not see the love that had always been there before, hurts me so bad. I have preferred doggie style for the last five years so that I don't have to see that look in his eyes.

Lately it has hurt me to have him inside me, both physically and emotionally. I have chosen to satisfy his needs either orally or anally.

At first, I thought that my sporadic periods and spot bleeding were part of pre-menopause. I knew my libido had gone down, I am close to 50 after all. When I wasn't getting wet it confirmed for me that menopause was starting. When I spoke to my gynecologist about it, she asked me how long I had been experiencing pain during sex. I told her, "For about a year." I had attributed it to less lubrication and the onset of menopause.

She looked at me and said, "I'm going to order some tests."

Well, the tests came back. It was more than menopause. She told me I have Vaginal Cancer. She sent me home with information and websites to look at.

That night, when Kurt got home from work, he knew right away that something was wrong. I tried to play it off as nothing, but he persisted. When I told him, he was devastated. He immediately went to the computer and started checking websites and printing off pages and pages of information on my condition.

"Honey, we can beat this. Sure, the road is long, but I know we can beat it." He said, trying to show his support for all that I would be going through.

The truth is I'm not sure I want to go through it. My doctor told me that she was referring me to an oncologist that specializes in this procedure. From what I have read online the procedure would be a Radical Vaginectomy. In other words, they were going to remove all of my reproductive parts. Then they would rebuild a vagina for me out of some of my own tissue. Even then, I may have to go through radiation and possibly chemo.

It would be months before I was back to "normal", and that's if everything went perfectly. How can you be "normal" if most of the parts that make you a woman have been removed? I didn't know if I wanted to be that "normal".

Then there was Kurt. How would he react to the new "normal" me? If he couldn't make love to me the way I am now, how would he even be able to have sex with me as a "repaired" woman? Would I even feel like a woman? I know outwardly nothing would look different to everyone else, but I definitely would feel different.

As I get ready to make the appointment, I am leaning toward just letting it run its course. As long as I can have something to reduce my discomfort, I will tough it out.

Kurt

I'm waiting in the reception area of the doctor's office when my wife walks in. I can see it on her face, she has made up her mind. God, I hope she has chosen to fight.

She sits down next to me. I turn to her and kiss her softly. I love her so much, what would I do without her, if she were to leave me. I know I would be lost. She is my soulmate. I knew it almost from the moment I met her. "Lord, help us through this, take this from her." I say to myself and to God. I pray he is listening.

Tears start to form in my eyes as I stare at the floor in front of me. "I need to stop crying." I say to myself. "I need to be strong for her. She is going to need me to be her rock."

"Mr. and Mrs. Coleman?" The nurse asks. We look up and nod. "The doctor will see you now."

As we walk into the room, I grab Deborah's hand and give it a slight squeeze. She responds in kind. We are together, facing our future in this one moment.

The doctor greets us as we walk in, I wonder how many of these conversations he's had to make. We sit and he asks us, "So, any questions that I can answer for you?"

Deborah

The doctor asks if we have any questions. The websites we visited have given us more answers than we had questions for. I felt I knew, pretty much, everything there was to know, so I answer him, "I think I have all the answers I need."

With that the doctor starts talking, informing us what the procedure would be like, what to expect. I stop him, "What can I expect if we do nothing?" He looks dumbfounded. He is in the profession to fight the disease. He doesn't even consider that that may not be what I want.

He stammers, "Uhhh ... Well ... the pain will get progressively worse and the cancer will spread through your lymph glands and throughout your body. If you do nothing but manage the pain, you will probably not last a year."

I know he said that last statement to try to shock me into changing my mind. Shock me into fighting the disease.

I look at Kurt, he has tears in his eyes. I don't think he was expecting that from me. Oh, he probably felt that it was a possibility, but he didn't want to face it. I saw the look in his eyes, he wanted me to fight, he wanted me to say, "I'll do anything to stay here with you." I however, after doing all my research, felt that maybe now would be a good time to let him go.

People say it's selfish to not want to fight to live. "You should fight for your loved ones. Don't be selfish and just think of yourself. How will this affect them?"

Well, with me at least, I am thinking of my husband. He is still young enough to find someone else. Find someone that he can love fully, someone he can "make love" to, not just "have sex" with.

It's been 9 years and he hasn't forgiven me. I know I hurt him, bad. I thought, however, we would be able to get past it. I have shown him every day that I love him, and only him. He's shown his love to me, but he still hasn't made love to me.

I guess, in a way, I am selfish. Back when I cheated on him, I should have let him have the house and just ask for enough cash to live on for a few months so I could find a place to rent and a roommate to share the expenses with. I, however, wanted to stay married, be by his side every day. I wanted to feel the love that he was willing to show me. I didn't want to let that go. With this cancer, however, it was like God was telling me that it was time, time to let go.

Kurt speaks up, "Can I have a few minutes with my wife?" He asks the doctor.

"Sure, my next appointment isn't for another 20 minutes, so I'll let you talk this over."

Kurt turns to me. I can see the tears in his eyes. I can see the pleading in his eyes, he so wants me to change my mind. "Deb, we can fight this. The success rates of this surgery are good. I'll be right there beside you all the way."

"Kurt, you've read the same things as me. The possible side effects and complications. I will immediately go into menopause, my libido will probably be non-existent. It will take months to heal. When I do heal it will obviously feel different to me, and probably to you too. All of my reproductive parts will be gone, I won't even feel like a woman. How would you feel if your penis and balls were cut off? Would you feel like a man? I just don't know if I can go through the rest of my life with you thinking of me as less of a woman, a woman with no sexuality."

"Deb, I love you." Kurt said, "I will love you no matter what. I know there will be some adjustments, and if you never get your sex drive back it won't matter, it's only sex."

I winced at that statement, he saw it and realized what he had just said. He knew that his unwillingness to make love to me was also a factor in this.

"I don't want to lose you, honey. I don't know what I'd do without you." He said.

"You'd survive, find someone else and love her. You'll live the rest of your life loving her fully."

I saw the hurt on his face when I said that. I didn't mean to cause him pain, I had caused enough already. I only meant to tell him that he would find someone else to love, someone else to take my place.

"Deborah, I don't want anyone else but you." Kurt said, "From the moment I saw you that first time I knew you were the one for me. I know I haven't been all that you wanted me to be. I know that I haven't been the husband I should have been. I've been trying to change, talking to others and asking for their suggestions. If you say you will fight this I will change, I swear to you I will change. You have shown me nothing but love these last 9 years and I have still shown you contempt. I don't want to lose you. Please say you'll fight it and you'll see, I'll change. I love you so much. I'll love you fully and forever."

I am crying now, seeing the pain in his eyes, and also the love, makes me hurt inside. I had made up my mind, I felt it was for the best. Now he tells me that he wants me to live and that he will love me fully again.

How can I say no to him? I want to, to let him find another, but also, I want to have him back, the old him, the him that loved me fully and completely. If I don't try, I will never get that back. He will be torn with my decision and always be looking for a way to make things different.

I so want him back. I so want him to make love to me again. I yearn for it with my whole being.

I turn my eyes up to his. We are both crying. "I love you, Kurt. I have never loved another. You have been "the one" since I met you. I am so sorry that I hurt you. Oh, that I could turn back time and remove that hurt from you. I don't want to hurt you again." I take a deep breath and then say, "I will do this for you, for us."

Three weeks later I was in the hospital for my surgery. It was as bad as they had thought. I had to have a Radical Vaginectomy with a reconstruction of my vagina. After a few days I was sent home with orders to get bedrest and also take pills to alleviate the pain. They would reevaluate in few weeks and possibly start chemo.

I don't remember a whole lot from that first week at home, mostly I slept. I do remember Kurt being there every time I woke up. He was like my guardian angel watching over me.

During the second week of my recovery I was standing in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower and change my bandages. As I took off the old bandages, I looked at myself in the mirror. There was a large scar on my abdomen where they took some of my flesh to create my new vagina. I would never wear a 2 piece bathing suit again. The scar would be a constant reminder of my womanhood being taken from me.

I started sobbing. Kurt heard me and came quickly into the bathroom. He came and held me, I cried into his shoulder. He brought me back into the bedroom and we sat down on the bed. I continued to cry.

He was crying now too and said, "I'm so sorry, God I wish I could do it all over again. It's all my fault. Why did I have to be so stubborn?"

I looked up at him, puzzled.

He said, "Deborah, I'm the reason you got cancer."

Now I was even more puzzled.

He went on to explain his reasoning.

"For the last 9 years I have made your life a living hell."

"No, Kurt, I know you love me, I felt your love every day." I said.

"Not where it counted though. I couldn't or wouldn't make love to you. Every time it was just sex. Every time I came it was putting a little seed of anger into you, anger at your betrayal of our marriage. That anger took root and turned into a cancer that grew with every new deposit of my anger. My selfish anger did this to you. I will never forgive myself for hurting you this way."

"Oh Kurt, I caused it all, and I don't really know why. You were always good to me, always attentive to me. I was stupid, a selfish stupid bitch."

"That's in the past now. It will be different from now on." Kurt declared.

Facing death has a way of focusing you, what is really important and what needs to be let go. Cancer, whether it is operable or inoperable still makes you face your mortality. A month ago, I was ready to die, thought it was best for both of us. Now I wanted to live, to spend time reenergizing our relationship. I wanted to spend time really living and loving with my husband, the true love of my life.

We spent the next hour lying in bed, both crying, but for different reasons.

By the third week I was getting around a little, enough to go to my doctor's appointment anyway. When I was evaluated they felt that it was a successful surgery, no sign of cancer, and I was healing well, slowly, but well.

After 4 weeks Kurt had to go back to work. He had used up all his vacation and personal time to be home with me during my recovery. I still wasn't 100%, in fact I was probably about 60-65% back to "normal", well the new normal.

I was lying in bed, not wanting to get up, when the doorbell rang. I slowly got out of bed, hoping that whoever rang the bell would just go away. It rang again. I threw a robe on and made my way to the front door. It was Pauline, my neighbor, what was she doing here?

When I opened the door, she was standing there with a casserole dish in her hands. When I had surgery, the neighbors had coordinated meals for us, so seeing her with a casserole dish was not unusual. As I had been getting better, however, the meals had tapered off.

"Hi Deborah." She said, "I know Kurt went back to work today so I thought I would help you out. All you have to do is heat it up."

"Thank You, come on in and I'll put it in the refrigerator."

Pauline was one of my neighbors, but I have harbored some anger toward her since that night about 9 years ago when Kurt went to work on a "plumbing" issue she had. I needed to be cordial though.

"So how are you doing?" She asked.

I could see she was a little nervous, something was on her mind. "Getting better, not 100% but getting better every day." I said, trying to keep the conversation light.

She hesitated but finally said, "Deborah, can we sit down and talk?"

"Sure." I said as I made my way into the living room.

She started talking as we sat down. "I feel like there is something wrong between us and I'd like to clear the air if it is possible."

"No, there's nothing wrong." I lied, trying to deflect.

"Deborah, I've seen you talk to other neighbors and it is totally different than the way you talk to me. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to know, so maybe I could fix it."

I wasn't going to pull any punches. I'd let her know how I felt. "You know why." I said.

"No, I don't! It's been like this for years. The only thing I can think of is the New Years Eve kiss. Is that what it is?"

"It's more than the kiss. I know Kurt had sex with you earlier in that month!" I said, the gloves were off now.

Pauline started laughing, which pissed me off even more.

"Why do you think that?" she questioned.

"You had called with a "plumbing" issue and Kurt was gone about an hour and a half, and when he came back, he was smiling, relaxed and said, "the problem was nothing my snake couldn't fix."

She chuckled, "Deborah, we didn't do anything. I really did have a drain plugged, and Kurt snaked it clear. Then we talked. He bared his soul to me. You know, you really hurt him. He was so angry, I thought you two were finished, but I have never been with your husband."

"Then why did he take you out on Valentine's Day, instead of me?"

"Deborah, you know I had lost Ken about 2 years before. We were talking at the New Year's Party and I mentioned that I wasn't looking forward to another winter alone, especially Valentine's Day. He offered to take me out, as a friend."

"I truly thought that you were the first of many." I said.

She laughed again.

"What's so funny?"

"Deborah, he has never been with anyone else since you two first started going out. We've talked about this a lot. He would stay out late drinking at the bar because he would get so angry when he went home. He was afraid he'd do something to you that he'd regret."

"I was getting "Thank You's" on my facebook page from strange women. You're trying to make me believe that was all just coincidence?"

"No, it wasn't coincidence. He asked those women to do that to make you angry, to make you feel some of the hurt he was feeling. He told me he wanted you to know how it felt when the one you love, with all your heart, betrays your wedding vows."

"You mean to tell me it was all a ruse? I don't believe you." I was getting angry that he would do something like that to me. How could he? Then I remembered what I had done to him, and I was sad. I truly had hurt him bad.

I was silent, in deep thought for a minute. Then a thought came to my mind. If he hadn't had sex with anyone else, then I didn't destroy his moral compass. He was still the same man that I married, a little worse off because of what I had done, but a man of principles, nonetheless.

Then Pauline spoke, "He loves you, loves you dearly. That is why he asked you to fight this cancer. He told me that you had thought of just letting it run it's course, but he didn't want to lose you."

I was crying now, I had made a mess of our relationship and yet he still loved me. After I had been crying for a while Pauline asked, "Can we change the subject?"

"Yes, please." I said.

We talked for about an hour. I was really connecting with her. She was being totally honest with me, so I asked her a question that had been on my mind for the last couple years.