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Just one moment barely there and the next completely limp and almost lifeless, toppling forward into a very surprised Laura, who barely caught her in time. She had carried her to the couch after wrapping the robe around her, but not before checking to see if she had a pulse, the dyke concerned that the catatonic brunette might have had a medical episode.
Laura had then come back to the washroom, gently sliding down to her knees in front of Sam and pulling her into a tight hug. She had let the punk cry everything out into her chest for nearly an hour before those blue eyes had lifted to look at the soft, comforting hazel ones of the big woman. She calmed down enough to stand, and the dyke had helped move her to the bedroom so she could sit on the edge of the bed. Grabbing a towel, the muscular woman had then wiped the shit and puke off her legs that the two had been kneeling in.
It had taken another half hour for her to even want to move, laying on her back on the bed. Just staring up at the ceiling as she went through every horrific scenario she could imagine that would cause her girl to have plunged so deep down. It was only after she had slapped herself, quite literally, she woke up out of her pained reverie...
Sam cursed at herself again for the umpteenth time, and it was still not enough to heal the tear in her heart. How she hadn't seen the scars, despite being so close to the woman over the past week, she would never, ever forgive herself for.
She had had her bad experiences in life, but she had not gone through it unable to read faces or tones of voices, or not being able to process intense emotions properly.
Of course, as part of her Navy training, she had done the reading on PTSD that every new shipmate had to do within a certain time after joining a crew. Descriptions of what to look out for in her fellow shipmates, warning signs about it in themselves if they went into a combat situation, all that. It was only now that she was finally seeing just how devastatingly horrible it could be to someone that suffered from it. She was barely able to even comprehend it, it was so raw, so... painful to even consider.
Anna must have gone through the deepest layers of hell several times over, she thought to herself.
It suddenly made complete and utter sense now why they had progressed so fast into love, the thoughts in Sam's mind suddenly snapping into stark focus.
Sam was probably the first woman that the geeky, cute, innocent girl had ever been able to properly and fully open up to. She had talked about being a bit closed off back in Idaho, but she had not said it was overly bad, just that she was shy and introverted. The punk had taken that at face value, kicking herself mentally again at the thought. Anna hadn't talked to anyone back in Idaho about her fetishes, and was also too shy to have gone out to explore on her own, most likely.
It made even more sense thinking deeper about that part of it, as there were no ties back to her home here. She had effectively exorcised herself from what apparently had been a situation and place so horrifically painful that she had to escape, to literally start over again. Perhaps it was that she had been able to trust so deeply, and have that trust reciprocated, that she had finally felt able to share her most secret fetishes and desires with her new girlfriend.
But...
She hadn't shared the worst of her pain, she hadn't let Sam carry some of the burden with her or even for her, and that gnawed away in the gut of the purple haired woman to the point she herself wanted to throw up. It was her own form of hell, as she cared deeply about others, and loved the absolute fuck out of Anna. It was, as she had admitted to herself many times, her one true weakness, her overly-empathetic nature despite being... herself, the outcast, the punk, the dominatrix, the extreme fetishist...
If only she had seen, if she had known, if she had even the chance to go back and talk to-
Sam closed her eyes to stop the tears from escaping again, blaming herself for Anna's current situation, and to her own mind, rightly so. It made sense that it was her fault, as she had been the one entrusted by the most gorgeous woman she had ever known to help her navigate through new kinks and fetishes, discover more about herself than she had known, and Sam had... lost sight of it all. She had been blinded by her love and lust, by those loving looks from emerald green eyes.
They had spent the week madly in love, horny as hell, fucking and pissing and playing almost every day. She hadn't even thought to slow down and actually look at her new girlfriend in the way that she should have.
She hadn't slowed down to make sure Anna was alright and able to process all the new experiences, to look for the pain that she must have been carrying for so long in the corner of her eyes or a small tic at a word. She wanted to kick herself physically for not finding the heavy, crushing burden that had weighed down the beautiful, innocent mind under the surface, hidden and secret...
Cursing under her breath violently but quietly as to not wake Anna, she wanted to do nothing else right now than to go over there and stroke her cheek and hair, reassure her that she's safe and she can take as much time as she needed to process everything...
She looked so innocent, so pure with her hair strewn around her head, covering most of her eyes as she twitched in her sleep. Sam tugged her own robe around herself tightly, a frown almost permanently stamped into her face, muttering about seventy more curses and admonishments of herself for not fucking noticing.
Laura, who had worn a light frown of her own during that first hour as she had cradled Sam in her shock and pain, came over in her own oversized bathrobe, leaning over and kissing Sam's cheek.
"You two," she said quietly, "are an amazing couple. The fact that you're beating yourself up so much about it shows that. Just don't beat yourself up too much, ok?"
Sam gave a small smile through the frown, glancing over at Laura.
"Lady Luck was very kind to me this past week," she said, accepting the cup of coffee that Laura had been making ("A little milk and a pinch of sugar, please?") letting the hot liquid calm her throat that was a sore and ragged from how hard she had been wailing into the dyke's shoulder. "Sometimes... often... I feel like we're going way too fast and will crash and burn. Then when she's asleep on your shoulder, innocent little snores sounding out just like now, you feel the swelling of your heart and know you've found the one, and love blinds you to the darker side of things. How I didn't see the scars..."
She closed her eyes tightly for a moment in the mental pain she was inflicting on herself.
"...fuck me, if I had known, if I had even had a clue, I would have approached today a lot differently! We could have prevented... this... but I was fucking stupid and didn't look."
"If I might make an observation," Laura said, pausing to sip her coffee as Sam nodded, "you guys started fucking, what, about four days ago? Then pissed on each other three and a half ago, raped each others' asses and pussies repeatedly with a strapon in the past 48 hours, and proceeded to full on scat play today. I'm also partly to blame there, as I was the one wanted it on the face from a complete newbie. Even I know better, but you're right, I got a little lost in the whole aspect of finding not one, but two gorgeous women willing to shit on me." She looked over at Anna. "Now, I know you know all about it and enjoy it, but Anna..."
"She's said she's been wanting to try it ever since I told her I like to do it!! And here I encouraged her to fucking rush into it like the fucking stupid bitch I am!!!!!" Sam spat, letting her control slip a little in her own mental anguish, furious at herself at her failure in her duty of care for the woman she loved!
Taking a deep breath, she took a moment to get herself back under control. She still felt her heart absolutely torn apart, but as she looked over again at the cute girl asleep on the couch, she felt it tear anew in her chest, almost sobbing it hurt so much.
"She seemed so into wanting to do it... maybe it was a way for her to exorcise some demons, to take control of herself and do something truly nasty and kinky, to break through a mental block. I should have been more fucking careful, I shouldn't have rushed us into this, but she seemed so... enthusiastic about it and wanted to experience it and wanted to be just as kinky as me, explore the outer edges of her comfort zone and push boundaries and-"
Sam squeezed her eyes closed to prevent more tears from falling, despite a sob wracking her chest and causing her cut off her sentence.
She felt the strong arms of the dyke surround her again, and she let out a few more sobs into the hug, letting the tears come, burying her face into the muscular shoulder that was so gently there. For her gigantic size, there was an amazing amount of compassion in Laura as she simply held Sam as she cried her pain and anguish out. She sniffled and pulled back gently to let the lovely dyke know she was okay again a moment later, the arms releasing her gently.
"Goddammit!!! I just want her to be happy, to be who she wants to be, to realize her full self!!!" Sam clenched her fists looking over at her love, then relaxed them again, unable to keep them clenched as Anna shifted a little in her sleep. She just-
"I'm just saying," Laura put a hand to Sam's cheek, turning the woman to fully face her, disrupting her train of thought, "maybe it's time to slow down and actually enjoy being in love? Maybe this has gone by too fast for her subconscious to keep up to pace with her conscious thoughts. As you said, she's autistic, very high functioning, but still autistic, and she was a cutter. Not a prolonged one, but those scars never lie. Sometimes even the smallest thing can trigger traumatic memories, and from the way she screamed a minute after I left the bathroom, it sounds like she was reliving some pretty bad ones, if they were the ones that caused her to cut in the first place..."
Laura's face softened, her own eyes flashing in memory.
"My little brother has ASD and ADHD, but not Asperger's as you told me Anna also has. He's told me a lot about his own experiences, too, and those with their diagnosis have been putting up defences their entire lives, building tall and strong walls inside their minds, even against themselves and their own memories and emotions. Sometimes they don't have the capacity to process everything then and there, and sometimes the actual memories and emotions are so traumatic that they compartmentalize... in effect, they subconsciously program themselves to defend against any threat, real or not. To tell the truth, I'm honestly surprised she didn't collapse into a panic attack with the noises she was making, and simply just passed out instead."
Sam nodded, finding sense in what the strong woman was saying.
"I mean, have you ever tried to give a compliment to someone that is ASD or ADHD? I mean before her," Laura continued, looking over at Anna for a moment, a small smile tugging at her lips. "She is absolutely gorgeous. A real, true, beautiful treasure of a woman that anyone would be proud to be able to call their love, and I am insanely jealous that she got you before I even had a chance to fuck you! But, if I told her that to her face, she'd probably blush furiously, frown deeply, and try to squirm away, because she has subconsciously programmed herself to escape those situations, precisely because she just isn't equipped, isn't able to handle the sudden and powerful emotions."
"You sure you're a construction dyke?" Sam asked with a world-weary smile, the frown having melted mostly away gradually while Laura had been talking. "Because you're sounding like a psychologist and therapist. Instead of talking about ways to pour concrete or frame a wall properly, you're trying, and succeeding by the way, to make me feel better about my failure to see the damaged part of what was right in front of me before I pushed it beyond the breaking point."
"I'm no therapist," Laura replied with a little, albeit pained, smile, "but when you grow to 6 foot 3 inches in grade 10, and know you're a lesbian from the first memories you have, you don't exactly get to see the friendliest parts of people. My brother didn't get a very nice path through his first 18 years either. We, as a society, have come along way in acceptance of mental health and sexual orientations... but we're far from perfect still. Sexism, racism, homophobia, dim views of mental health... it's all still so fucking prevalent, especially down here in the South."
Sam put her hand to Laura's cheek, causing the dyke to smile and lean a little into it. The punk smiled back, then raised up on the balls of her feet and placed a gentle kiss on the woman's lips.
"I accept you just as you are, all 6 foot 3 of you, caring and strong and able to keep a level head when I... failed to..." she said after their lips parted. "Here I thought you were just going to be a fun friend with benefits, and you end up being the first person to accept being used for Anna's scat adventures, and you're helping me in getting through my own stress about all this."
Laura smiled and leaned down to kiss Sam's cheek.
"Here I thought you were just a hot piece of ass I would fuck for a couple of days before you got bored of me," she smiled mischievously. "Instead, I find a scat Dominatrix that is happy to shit on me, has a beautiful girlfriend, and is perfectly okay with sharing her with me. You are stronger than you think, Sam, and while there may be a few rough edges to smooth over between you two-"
"There is nothing rough," Sam interrupted, looking over lovingly at Anna, her heart not tearing but not mending either, still snoring away, "about her. Not anymore. I'm the jagged, rough piece in this puzzle, razor sharp and duller than a doorknob at the same time. She is so innocent, yet also so extremely kinky and dirty. It's like she's seeing an entirely different world in both vanilla and kink life, and I am just getting little glimpses of it through her..."
Sam wanted so desperately to go lay down with Anna, wrap her in her arms, protect her and shield her. Her feet almost moved before she closed her eyes, looked inwards, and truly thought about what Anna meant to her...
"Goddamn I love that woman more than any other in my life," she finally admitted, letting her heart fully open up, not even realizing she had been guarding a corner of it. She opened her eyes and saw the sleeping beauty almost glowing in her vision. She felt her heart stitch itself back together a little, felt her emotions start to return to their balanced center at a snail's pace, and let a couple of tears slip from her eyes without shame, feeling so full of love right there and then to even want to try to stop them.
"With everything I am and have ever been, I love her. I know that it's been so fast, but it just feels so right, so perfect, so... just fucking everything I've ever dreamed of being possible."
She breathed a deep sigh, then looked down at her feet as the weight of what she had done, what she had pushed Anna do to, how she had broken her, dragged her mind downwards. She scrunched her eyes closed again, and let the shame pour over her, as she felt that it was totally deserved.
"I don't want to lose her."
"Then don't," Laura said, squeezing Sam's shoulder, making her open her eyes and look up. "You're a good woman, Sam. You, more than anyone, are probably the best thing that has happened to Anna. You're voluntarily an outcast, a punk girl that has been on the outside of acceptance and understanding, are very involved in the kink and fetish underground lifestyle, forging your own path and blazing a trail through life on your own. It's amazingly attractive, you know, and probably why Anna fell in love with you! Because you can actually relate to Anna in ways others couldn't even begin to fathom, both of you being outcasts, but for entirely different reasons, yet so alike. She was truly lucky that you were the one that won her heart..."
Sam opened her mouth to reply, but at that moment, Anna shifted, murmuring something.
Both women's heads snapped over to look, two separate breaths held a moment before the sleeping girl stretched, arms way out over her head, her feet and legs fully extended. She noticed the blanket, touching it, and the fact she was in an amazingly comfy fluffy robe, then sniffed the air.
"Coffee? Without me?" Anna croaked weakly as her eyes slowly opened and struggled to focus, coughing to clear her throat, her face a mask of pain. "Ow, f-fuh-fuck, that hurts! Stupid puke..."
Sam, her heart soaring at hearing her girlfriend's voice again, tears falling from her eyes, sprinted over and knelt down beside the couch, leaning in and kissing Anna desperately and with every bit of her heart she could muster.
"I thought you liked tea," she said quietly, sniffling, after pulling back, "because coffee doesn't agree with your digestion."
"I do," Anna replied, blinking the sleep from her eyes, the green emeralds focusing and stable after a moment, shining instead of dull and lifeless, seeing Sam's icy blue ones brimming over. She reached a hand out, wiping away the tears that had fallen down Sam's cheeks with a soft, gentle smile that made the punk's heart slam back together in full so hard that it physically hurt. Laura leaned over and handed her her glasses, which she slipped on, blinking a few times as her eyes refocused on her purple haired beauty again and smiling wider. "But coffee sometimes is the ruh-right thing... when you feel as exhausted as I d-do right now."
The smile tweaked a little, turning a tiny bit silly, and Anna even chuckled under her breath for a moment.
"Besides, I-I-I don't think I have to worry about the effect it has on m-my bowels at the moment..."
Sam blinked for a moment, then chuckled herself, before leaning in and kissing Anna again, with a bit more force.
"Goddamn, I love you, Anna," she said, smiling to let her know it was meant truly.
Anna reached out with her left hand, stroking at Sam's hair. Left hand... left arm... her face fell into shame.
"I... also need to apologize."
"For w-what?" Anna asked, her face quizzical.
"For not noticing," she replied, touching the inside of Anna's left forearm gently. "I should have seen, I should have not pushed for you to try things so fast all week and today, I should have been there for you to talk to. I should have paid more attention to what you neede-"
The kiss was sudden and heartfelt, surprising Sam as she had not even noticed the brunette moving in close, using the hand already on the punk's head as leverage to pull herself up. It was also forceful, to the point that she felt Anna's teeth pushing against the back of her lips, almost painfully so as it crushed the punk's own upper lip against her teeth. Nonetheless, she closed her eyes and put a hand behind the brunette's head, pulling her even harder into it. A little pain to express overwhelming love was easily worth it, and she held the kiss as long as possible with the brunette that had her heart.
"You," Anna said, with a loving smile after they parted, with Sam's hand still cradling the back of her head, "have nothing to apologize for. You... d-d-didn't leave me to suffer alone. You st-st-stayed. No-one's done that f-for me before. Y-y-yo-you're the first person that has ev-ev-ever stayed with me. I... could hear y-you all the t-time, by the way... in the shower... I j-just couldn't get to the part of me th-that lets me talk and see and move without... pain... b-but I could still hear you. You... st-stayed."
