Sadness in the Eyes - Pt. 01

"You're the best, lads. I'm sorry I've been such a shit friend to you both." I slurred.

"The fuck are you on about, mate?" Graham asked.

"You were the best man at both our weddings, You're the godfather to all our kids and don't miss a single birthday, you were there for us when dad died, you were there for us every time we fucked up or needed money. You are literally the most reliable person on the planet. Shut the fuck up and get out with your fake guilt!" Mark scolded.

"Still, I could have done more and I promise to be better." I said slapping both their shoulders.

"It's unnecessary, but we know you will brother." Graham soothed me as they put me in a cab back to my hotel.

The next day, we were all terribly hung over. The reading was at 9 and the Blake boys showed up at 8:30 with sunglasses despite the clouds and rain.

"Lets get this over with, lads." I said as we went to the Tuckers' office. The twins had to get back so they bid me goodbye with big hugs all round and invitations to visit them in Leeds for Christmas. They knew I never accepted but they still invited me all the same.

"Glad to see you could make it, Sam." Katie greeted me as I entered. She had a pleasant smile and a soothing voice.

"No worries, Ms Tucker. I would like to get it over with soon as I have to get back to Cambridge this evening." I said.

"It's Katie or Kate, Sam." Katie said. "You don't need to be so formal. It will only take about an hour. We are all solicitors and John's friend handled Claire's will." She informed me.

I just nodded and took a seat on the conference table. Craig Sr walked in looking worse than I did. It wasn't surprising. John and Craig came in next and took seats at the head of the table followed by the solicitor.

The will was read. I was surprised that mum had accumulated substantial assets after I left. She had gotten her old job back and made quite a living. She left some money for me as well. I was immediately angered but bit my tongue until the end.

Her money was equally divided amongst her 4 'Children'. I was left with £200,000. Hearing this made me cringe but I kept my composure. She also left me her letter and an engagement ring belonging to Gran. It was bizarre. I only cared about the letter. The rest, I couldn't give two fucks about.

As they wound down and started talking logistics, I interrupted them, still being civil. "John, I would like to offer up my part of the money. I don't deserve it and don't really need it either. The ring can also go to Katie. I would just like the letter."

"The letter and the ring have to go together, Sam. Those were her instructions. As for the money, the cheque has already been mailed. Give it to charity if you must but it is yours."

"She had to get a one up on me even in death. Torturing me when she was alive wasn't enough." I laughed. I couldn't hold back the vitriol much longer.

"Sam, your mother loved you! How could you say such things?" Katie exclaimed. That did it!

"Ha, ha fucking ha! Loved me you say? Where was her love when she came in piss drunk every night and 11 year old me had to clean her puke and put her to bed? Where was it when she called me a sissy and asked me to do drugs? Where the fuck was it when I only ate one shitty meal a day? The kind woman you knew was all an act! Fuck you all!" I spat.

"Hand me the fucking letter and I'll be gone. You all wouldn't have to pretend to like me anymore.Your saintly stepmother was the worst addict bitch to ever grace this earth! The money, I'll donate to cancer research since she died of cancer. The ring, you can shove up your arse!" I said and grabbed the letter out of John's hand.

Katie tried to stop me but I had already moved to the door and left in a hurry. I couldn't stand these people shoving my mother's kindness down my throat any longer.

Chapter 3.

My dearest Sammy,

I am not worthy of your forgiveness so I wouldn't even ask it. I am dying and the only thing I can think of is how badly you were treated. My beautiful baby boy! I was an awful mother and there is no forgiveness for my sins. I will face my judgement before God for them.

I am proud that you made a good life for yourself. This was despite me or your father and that is something only you can take credit for. It is a blessing that you stuck to the righteous path. It would have been so easy for you to stray. For that very reason, you will be the best man I ever know.

I am ashamed to tell you that I hated you so much after your father left because I saw so much of him in you. I goaded you to go towards drugs and waste your life as your father had. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I only realised it after you left. My baby boy had gotten into Cambridge without ever needing me!

How could I have been so cruel? To deprive someone so loving and kind of my affection. I know you will always hate me and that is exactly what I deserve. I tried and got better, too late, I know but I had to change. I found someone who loved me despite my flaws. He is a good man and his children treat me like their own mother. Another thing I don't deserve.

I tried to contact you, meet you and talk to you. You were right in ignoring me. I failed as your mother and you shouldn't burden yourself with guilt because you didn't reach back. It will never be your fault. Always remember that.

What I have left you won't make the pain or suffering justifiable. I still want you to have them. The money is a symbol of my trust that you will do the right thing with it. The ring, was your grandmother's. Give it to someone worthy of your love. I know she will be the luckiest woman to live. I cannot think of a more deserving person to have it.

Sammy, I will always love you. In life and death, even if you don't need my love. You are the one good thing I could leave behind to the world. Find all the happiness and contentment you deserve. No one can be more worthy. Live a good life and forever be the man I know you to be. Please never lose the kind spirit God has blessed you with.

Love,

Mum

P.s: Your step siblings look up to you and want to get to know you. Please don't punish them for what I did. They are genuinely good. Katie, the youngest, reminds me so much of you. She has had a tough life, but is kind just like my Sammy. I know she will reach out to you. She lives in Cambridge. At least hear her out. Please do your undeserving mother that favour.

It was the third time reading mum's letter. I wanted to kiss it one minute and tear it or incinerate it the next. I had answers now but didn't feel any less angry at her. I was also similarly angry at myself. It was a mess and I needed to feel something else.

I was sat in my 5 million pound house with a whiskey, in my pants, feeling sorry for myself. The definition of pathetic. I needed to get out of the funk. If anyone were to peek behind my stoic mask at work, it would spell bad things for me and my career.

Mum's letter mentioned Katie in the end. I was reminded of the demure woman in her mid twenties in the office. She had been enraged when I spoke about mum but felt like I'd slapped her when I let the truth slip. Maybe that had changed her image of mum somehow.

She was absolutely beautiful, deep brown eyes and long brown hair. Her skin was like marble. Her face immediately told of her kindness but her eyes held sadness that I recognised in my own.

I wanted no contact with her, however. My mother had compared her to me, saying she'd faced hardship as well. I didn't care, or so I told myself. I had nothing against her but in my head, I painted her as the villain. Someone mum replaced me with.

I finished my whiskey and poured myself another finger. Opening my laptop, I began checking my mail. Many congratulatory emails from both friends and foes about my promotion greeted me. I replied to all of them and moved on to more work related ones with new drugs and clinical trials. I had a heap of hard work as soon as I got back.

Scrolling down, I saw one that was from Katherine Tucker reading 'Apology'. I was about to click the delete button but curiosity got the better of me. I opened it.

Dear Sam,

I'm sorry for how I behaved at the reading, of how all of us behaved. We now realise that your wounds are deep and the woman we knew wasn't the one you had to put up with. We got the better deal but she looked after us when our own mother abandoned us. Ironic, yes, but you must know how much she regretted treating you like that.

I don't mean to justify her actions but if you ever need to talk, not just about her but about things in general, I would be happy to hear you out. I know you're incredibly busy but I would like to apologise in person if possible. I am a law student at Cambridge uni so it should be relatively easy to arrange. Here is my cell:xxxxxxxxxx. I really hope to hear from you.

Kind regards,

Katie

Mum wasn't wrong. Katie did try to reach out. I was pissed at her for doing so. She didn't try to hide that my mother had been more her mother. It made me angry but I admired her for being honest. My mind was swimming with so much vitriol but none could be justifiably directed at Katie. She didn't deserve it, no matter how much I wanted her to.

In my whiskey addled state, I began typing a reply that would surprise me come tomorrow.

Dear Katie,

Many thanks for your email. I extend my apologies to all of you as well. It was unbecoming of me to say the things I said, especially considering you had all just lost a loved one. I believed I am better than that but my behavior was truly shameful. It is me who should apologise to you all in person.

Maybe something could be arranged soon before I have to start working? I am currently on leave. Would sometime on Friday or Saturday suit you all? I am willing to travel to Birmingham if necessary. Please let me know. I believe Craig Jr has my cell but here it is in case you need to reach me:xxxxxxxxxx

Sincerely,

Sam

I realised what I had done after I hit send. The fuck did I have to apologise for? I had only spoken the truth! Maybe what I said was true but the way I said it was completely shitty. I had lost my temper and it wasn't the right thing to do no matter how much I hated my mother. Sighing, I closed my laptop and started getting ready for bed.

Maybe Katie did deserve a chance. I had no right to judge her. Mum's improvement wasn't because of her, mum only married her father after she was better. If I thought about it, mum improved because I left. I was responsible for her transformation more than anyone. Katie really was blameless. Her smile and kind but sad eyes were the last image in my mind's eye as I went to sleep.

The next few days were bearable at best. I had gotten back from Birmingham on a Thursday. It was now Tuesday, the 12th. I was due for leave until boxing day but always worked during Christmas. After all, I was a big shot now.

I was still staying home until next week. I got a lot of chores done and had time to do some hiking and photography. All in all, I was starting to feel better. Maybe the shrink could wait.

Jiu-jitsu had been something that I had done for ages. It was one of the only things that I did for fitness anymore along with running. I had been a black belt for a few years now. The discipline it provided held my sanity. I went into my early class, expecting a good roll to take a lot off my mind.

There was a beginner's seminar going on on the next mat and I saw my professor teaching the class. Me and a few others in the gym were looking at the pin escapes being demonstrated as we were never too advanced to learn.

Eventually, we decided to start the session with some light rolls and D'arce chokes were the theme of the day along with armbars. As I was rolling with a long time training partner, Dean, my eyes caught a familiar face on the mats in the distance.

Was I imagining Katie? What the hell was wrong with me? Dean was a brown belt but my distraction allowed him to secure an armbar and I was tapping immediately. It was a little embarrassing to get tapped out by him but I took it on the chin and focused for the remainder of our session.

As we ended our roll and thanked each other, I saw Katie again in the seminar on the other side of the mats. I wasn't mistaken as she looked all sweaty in her gi with hair all over the place. She was still immensely beautiful. That observation somehow made me feel more guilty. I was debating whether I should talk to her. I hadn't ever seen her around but it was not unusual as she was a blue belt and came in at a different time compared to us, more advanced students.

In my zoned out state, I had lost track when I heard someone call my name. "Sam?"

"Sam, is that you?" Katie asked from behind two others. There went my option of avoiding her. Of all the places and days, she had to be here and now. Standing in front of me with apprehensive eyes.

"Hi Katie." I said with a tight half smile. "Didn't expect to see you here."

"Me either. I didn't know you trained....Wow! You're a black belt!..... It isn't surprising though." She was babbling nervously. I had almost a foot on her roughly five foot two frame. We were now staring at each other awkwardly. We must have looked a sight because Dean cleared his throat, saying, "Professor Jake wants to see you Sammy."

"I'm s-sorry to keep you. I should... I should go." She said nervously.

"Katie, wait! I need to see Jake but we should talk after. It'll only take me a few minutes. You didn't reply to my email. I was wondering if any of the dates were still okay."

"Oh! Sorry!.... I didn't know you wrote back. I must have missed it. Let me get changed and we can discuss." She said moving away. I watched her leave and sighed. She was gorgeous. Shaking my head, I went to see Jake.

I came back to a nervous Katie slouching on a chair beside the mats. A kids' class had started and she had a small smile on her face as she watched 15 to 17 year olds shrimping. She had changed into casual clothes with jeans and a sky blue top and her hair was now in place held in a pony tail. She looked elegant.

I felt like an arsehole. She was at least a decade younger than me, if not more. That hadn't stopped me from admiring a woman before but this was different. Maybe because she was somehow related to me. She was my step sister for crying out loud!

"Katie?" I called, standing a foot away from her. She looked at me and a smile lit her face. God!

"I'm ready to go. Would you like to change? We could stop for coffee and chat." She asked

"Yeah. I stink!" I laughed. She simply shook her head yes with a smile. "Let me get changed and I'll see you in ten outside. There's a cafe down the street. You could get there if you like." I replied. She nodded again and left with her bag slung on her shoulder.

I sighed. Why was I doing this? I owed her nothing. I didn't need to speak to her. She hadn't even read the email! Something compelled me to be open to her. I didn't understand it. I took a quick shower, changed out of my gi into jeans and a black tee and put my coat on. It was just past six when I left the gym. Walking down the street to meet Katie raised a ton of questions that I tried to ignore.

Chapter 4.

Katie was sat close to the window looking at her phone, waiting patiently. I walked in and her eyes met mine. The sadness in them startled me but her face had her beautiful smile again as she recogised me. I waved and went to place my order, her eyes following me. It wasn't very crowded so it only took a couple of minutes for me to get my coffee and pay. I made my way back and sat opposite Katie.

"I wasn't sure you'd show." She said when I looked up. "I wasn't sure either." I sighed.

"Listen, Katie.." I began but was interrupted. "Before you say anything, I'm really sorry for how we all behaved at the reading. Trying to force mum's love on you was the wrong thing to do." She said in a panicked tone.

"No Katie. You have nothing to apologise for. It was me who acted like a twat. You had just lost someone who you deeply loved. It was wrong of me to insult her memory, no matter how I felt. To be honest, I was just angry that I had been so easily replaced. It wasn't your fault that she got better. You all are blameless. My behavior was unjustifiable." I finished looking down.

It felt better after I apologised. Somehow Katie's judgement of me mattered. I wanted to be a good person in her eyes. She gently laid her palm on my hand, making me look up.

"We could never replace you in Claire's heart, Sam. There wasn't a day that went by when she didn't speak about you or pray that you were safe and doing well."

Her hand moved away but she continued. "She wasn't strong enough to face you and it broke her heart. She spoke so highly of you. Us kids grew up to admire you even though we had never met. She just stopped trying to meet you in the end, saying it was God's will. I shouldn't have let her."

I laughed. "She had so many opportunities to change before I left. I got a letter every week for a while."

"And you didn't reply to a single one. Nor did you answer any of her calls. That made it pretty clear you didn't want to see her." She said.

"So now it's my fault? I was a shitty son? Well, I am a shitty son. I learned from the best!"

"I didn't say it was your fault, Sam. It wasn't. You did what you thought was right and Claire believed she deserved the punishment. It is just how things turned out."

"Passing blame is pointless. I can only say that there were missed opportunities and it doesn't matter any longer as she's gone."

"Yeah." I shrugged. "I'm sorry again Katie."

"I'm trying but I can't let go of all the hurt. Years of neglect won't go away just because she redeemed herself in the end. It makes it worse because it tells me that I wasn't enough for her to change when it mattered."

"No Sam! You were why she changed. You were what made her better." Katie said forcefully.

"Her life after you left was spent trying to atone for her mistakes. Claire wasn't perfect, none of us are. She did her best and it wasn't enough. Such is life. You have to let go of the hatred because it's only bad for you. You don't have to hurt yourself."

"You're not wrong, Katie but it will take time. I hope someday I can be happy that mum found you all. She needed love and was betrayed by the person she was supposed to get it from. That broke her. One day, I might forgive her and myself. I hope I do because all this anger isn't good." I said.

She just smiled sadly. "You are just as wise as she said you would be."

"It's okay. We are all grateful to her because she was what kept us three on track. Dad was devastated after our mum left us, Claire took care of us all. Me more than the others because I was just a child when Dad married her."

"Like I said, we knew a different version of her and she never told us fully how bad it was between you, only that she failed you miserably. What you said at the reading was what opened my eyes to how bad you had it. Dad told me more after you left but he doesn't know everything either."

I shook my head trying to process all that was happening. It was too much but Katie was like a calming presence. I looked at her and found her beautiful, sad eyes filled with tears. It broke my heart.

"I'm sorry Sam! I'm sorry we took your mum away from you! How bad it must have been for you! To think that we hurt you more makes me want to gut myself. I want to hate Claire so badly but I just can't do it! I'm sorry!" She was sobbing now.

"She was there for me when my life took a very dark turn. She saved me but that was at the cost of not being there for you. It's all my fault!" she continued.