Sadness in the Eyes - Pt. 01

"You held on despite everything that happened and made something of yourself instead of blaming your circumstances. How much strength and courage that must have taken. It is okay if you hate us. We deserve it!" The last words drew a few people's attention.

I tried to calm her by placing my hands on hers but she drew away. I handed her some tissues that she accepted and sniffled into them.

"I don't hate you or your family, Katie. It wasn't your fault. I'm not even sure it matters who's fault it was anymore. Mum is gone. We should stop talking about things that are in the past." I soothed.

It surprised me. Why was I consoling her? I tried my best to find hatred for them all but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't hate them, especially not Katie. She finally calmed down.

"What did your email say?" she asked me suddenly.

"I was wondering if I could personally apologise to your dad, Craig and John. I could go to Birmingham sometime Friday or Saturday, if they would want me to." I said. She was sniffling a little but at least the tears had stopped.

"You really want to do that? After everything we've done?" She asked.

"You've done nothing wrong, Katie! None of you have. I realise that now. I want to apologise. Please ask them if they would be willing to see me." I pleaded.

"Okay. I will. If they agree, which they will, can I come with? I would like to see them again as well."

"Sure, just let me know what they say. I was thinking of driving there. If you aren't comfortable with that, we can take the train." I said.

"Why wouldn't I be comfortable? I'll let you know what they say. Can I get your number so I can call or text you?" She asked.

"It's in the email but I can put it in your phone." I said extending my hand. She handed me her cell and I saved my number for her. She sent me a text immediately so I could have her's.

"I'm sorry again, Katie. I feel terrible that I made you cry." I said again, wincing a little. I felt like a massive cunt.

"No, it wasn't you Sam. I better go. It's my turn to cook today and my flatmate would worry. I'll text you when I know." She finished and stood up while I did the same. She walked away for a few steps but then bounded back and gave me a tight hug.

It was unexpected and caught me off guard but I found myself hugging her back. She sniffled into my chest before pulling away. "It was nice to finally talk to you properly, Sam. I look forward to meeting you again." She said. I stood there dumbstruck as she slowly walked away.

Chapter 5.

I was filled with nervous excitement as I drove to pick up Katie on Friday. We were slated to go to Birmingham and meet her family after which, I would drive around up to Leeds to see the Blakes before Christmas. I was being pressured into staying for Christmas but I held my end. Mike and Graham knew me well. Katie had winter vacation so she would stay in Birmingham until the new year.

Katie had texted me Tuesday night saying that Friday would work. We'd then had a pleasant phone conversation on Thursday evening planning the logistics. I really started to like her despite my internal protests that I had to maintain a distance from her. There was something pure and unblemished about her spirit.

She was waiting with a large suitcase and a duffel bag when I parked in front of her old two storied apartment. She was a little red from either the cold or the effort of carrying her bags. I got down from the car to help her.

"Hiya! Fancy car you have there!" She laughed. It felt like the most melodious laugh in the world.

"It's the only bit of vanity I allow myself." I said grabbing her luggage and putting it into the trunk. It was heavy as hell. I should have helped bring it down.

"Are you carrying kidnapped children in there?" I asked as I closed the boot.

There was the melodious laugh again. "No, just my serial killing bits and bobs. Saws, knives, ropes and whatnot." She joked. I laughed. She clearly had a sense of humour.

I opened the passenger door for her and closed it after she was situated. As I got in, she was looking at the mirror trying to adjust her hair. I was struck again by how beautiful she was. Her long braid was framing her lovely face. She had a cute button nose and her large brown eyes looked happy for a change. She wore almost no makeup, just some lip gloss on her perfect pink lips and some eyeliner. Her soft cheeks were amazingly pink because of the chill outside. Just gorgeous.

I kicked myself for looking at her, glad for not being caught. She was so young and didn't need a dirty old man like me ogling her. In any case, nothing would come of it because for one, she was my step sister and secondly she couldn't possibly be even remotely interested in me.

We started up at 10 and I reckoned we'd be in Birmingham a little before 12. "Can I put some music on?" She asked me as we turned the corner.

"Sure, as long as it isn't some shitty current pop hit playlist." I smirked.

"I take it that you aren't a Cardi-B fan, then?" She asked.

"Ha ha! No chance! I am a heavy metal guy through and through. Though I realise it isn't for everyone. Old-school rap is also great. The modern stuff just doesn't hit that hard." I said.

"I somehow thought that you would be a classical music person. Didn't you play the violin?" She asked.

"So you know about the violin? You must also know then, that I was pretty useless at it." I laughed.

"I was told you were brilliant at making people cringe, yes!" She giggled.

"What kind do you like?" I asked.

"Oh! I'm a British rock girl. Love Pink Floyd!" she said. I was surprised that she listened to Pink Floyd. I liked them on occasion too.

"Use my phone then. I have a good playlist you'd like, I think. It's also less of a hassle as it's already connected." I unlocked my phone quickly and handed it to her. She browsed through my playlists and found the one I was talking about. 'Another Brick in The Wall' came on and we slipped into a companionable silence, enjoying the music.

It was a while before I realised that someone's intense gaze was on me. I was lost in thought and had missed the music stopping. It had been about an hour since we started. I turned to find Katie's eyes trained on me and a small smile on her face.

"Did you know you move your lips when you speak to yourself?" She asked.

"Sorry! Is that creepy? I didn't reckon I was doing it. Happens when I'm stressed." I answered.

"No, it isn't creepy. It's sort of cute. Want to share the reason for your stress?" The cute comment caught me a little.

"Umm.. just seeing your family. I was pretty venomous when we last met. I'm actually surprised that they agreed to see me."

"Your venom was justified, I think." Katie sighed. "Dad was upset that we hurt you and believe me he's more stressed than you are. Craig and John just look up to you and they didn't know what to expect. They thought you were always this calm and collected guy like Claire had painted you. You were that for the most part but only burst when we pushed you."

"I am usually calm and collected. It's just that mum and dad are very sore topics in my life. I at least know that mum found her way back. Haven't a fucking clue what my cunt of a father is up to though. Hope he's dead or worse." I said angrily.

Katie laid a hand on my forearm and I looked back at her. I couldn't take her pity.

"I don't need your pity, Kate. Yes my parents were cunts, boo fucking hoo. Many people have it worse. Me turning out okay is nothing special. People beat worse odds every day."

"It's not pity, Sam. I admire you. Your strength is inspiring. You've always been my idol." Katie almost whispered. There were tears that she blinked back quickly and rubbed my arm before letting go.

"Idols fail you, Katie. I'm just as human as the rest of us. I'm more of a mess than you'll ever know. I'd much rather prefer to be your friend." I said. I realised immediately how true my words were. The need to be her friend or know her in any capacity was desperate.

"I'd like that too." she said with a soft smile.

"Do I get to call you Sammy now? It's just I've heard your friends call you that." Her smile was disarming.

"Sure! Sammy it is!" I laughed.

"So.... tell me about yourself, Sammy." Katie folded her hands and had a sassy expression.

"Hah! There isn't much to tell. I'm just some guy. I work in pharma and live in Cambridge. Have been there for over a decade. I'm good at my job. Hiking, photography and jiu-jitsu are my hobbies." I finished.

"You left out the parts where you are a brilliant scientist, have a PhD, head the research for one of the biggest pharmaceutical giants on the planet, are rich as fuck and are handsome as hell. Just some guy, he says!" She laughed while counting her fingers.

She thought me handsome! Wow! I had to ignore it as her kindness. Why did it even matter?

"All that isn't important. I'm really just a guy. I keep to myself and work hard. Not unlike a lot of other people." I protested. "What about you? So far I only know that you are a law student. Are very perceptive, kind, smart and absolutely beautiful."

She actually blushed. "I'm not all that. I'm also just a girl. I've had some trouble in the past but I try to not let it colour my view of the world. My job is everything to me and helping people is my passion. After getting my MA next year in family law, there's a job for me at Baratt and Sons. You must know them. I like traveling, reading and jiu-jitsu."

"I know Baratt and Sons. Tony Baratt is an acquaintance and great at divorces, I've heard. You've got to be brilliant working for him. Nice! You will be pretty hated in some circles but at least you'll be rich!" I smiled.

"Everything comes at a cost, Sammy." She patted my hand but looked sad.

We were almost there and slipped into another bout of silence. I finally rolled up in front of a nice looking house and parked up in front. Craig Sr was at the door as soon as he saw Katie get down. She ran to him and embraced him while I got her bags out and followed more slowly.

"Thanks for coming, Sam. We weren't sure if we'd ever see you again. I'm truly sorry for everything that we said." Craig Sr said.

"No apologies necessary, Mr Tucker. I am the one who is sorry. I said some unforgivable things to you all and I regret them deeply. Thanks for agreeing to see me and inviting me to your home." I replied.

"You're being too formal, Sam. Call me Craig. My son prefers to be called 'Tuck', much to my dismay. I should have named him something else. Please come in. Lunch is ready." Craig motioned us in.

John and his wife, Emma were next to greet us, followed by Craig Jr. I apologized to them as well and they kindly accepted. "Glad you could make it Sam. Tuck's wife couldn't make it because of work. I hope you're not angry with us." Emma said.

"Not at all, Emma. I am the one in the wrong. I'm grateful that you've all forgiven me." Katie was at my side through it all. After her family turned towards the dining table, she came to me and held my hand.

"Are you okay, Sammy? That couldn't have been easy." I was struck by how perceptive she was. It was hard to see mum's smiling face on pictures and look at the interior she'd probably designed. It was a glimpse into a life I never had. She saw through me trying to hide my pain.

I squeezed her hand back. "I'll be alright, Katie. Cheers! Just need a bit of time. We should join the others."

Lunch with the Tuckers was a pleasant affair. They really were a nice family. If I met them under different circumstances, I would have been good friends with them. Maybe it was possible even now. At least Katie was my friend.

We talked about their jobs. All of the siblings were lawyers, Emma, a business graduate and Sara, Craig Jr's wife was a teacher. Craig Sr had retired and left the practice to his sons. Katie wanted to find her own way and everyone seemed to support her. They asked about me, although they seemed to know a lot already.

Mum didn't come up in the conversation a single time. I thought the subject was being intentionally avoided and I was grateful. The kids were all brilliant. Craig Jr had two daughters aged three and five, John had a son aged three. I had a blast playing with them after lunch. I'd always liked kids and spoiled my godchildren all the time. Katie was always there, watching me with a smile.

When it came time to leave, I was happy. It felt odd but still welcome. I didn't feel so alone any longer. I realised that it was mostly owing to Katie. She came to see me off after I bid her family goodbye.

"It was a great time, Sam. We should do this again sometime. You're very welcome for Christmas." Katie said.

"I'm not great company during Christmas, Katie. I do appreciate the invitation but I think I'll pass. Any other time would work though, maybe. Only if you're there too." I answered without thinking.

"Why do I have to be there?" Katie asked, puzzled.

"Because I don't think I'll be able to stand it without you. You're my friend." I sighed.

Katie gave me one of her soft smiles. "Aren't you sweet? I promise to be there."

"I should go. I'll be in Leeds by dinner if I start now. I don't want to be late."

"Say hi to Graham and Mark for me. I'd love to meet them sometime too. They seem nice."

"They're the best! They'd like you too." I replied.

"Drive safe, Sammy. Message me when you're there. Thanks for driving me here." Katie said and hugged me hard. I welcomed the contact. She felt perfect. She began to part and there was this intense moment where I wanted to kiss her beautiful lips and never let go.

The moment passed as we parted reluctantly. Had she felt the same as I did? This was mental! She raised herself on her toes and pecked me on the cheek. It felt electric.

"Goodbye, Katie." I said and turned back to my car. "Text me!" she said and waved as I started driving away. My mind was filled with conflicting thoughts as I drove to Leeds. Pink Floyd were playing in my car and 'Wish you were here' came on. I smiled as Katie's face filled my mind.

Chapter 6.

It was now well into February. Valentines day was just around the corner. Another day that absolutely sucked for me. No plans this year like all the other years. I was due a lot of leave and would have to take it before spring if I wanted my bonus. Working non stop was a bad sign in the corporate world. It had to be an expensive holiday, at least to keep up appearances.

Perhaps I could ask Katie for ideas? Katie. I let out a long breath and shook my head. In the past couple of months, she had become a great friend. We now rolled together twice a week at the gym.

She was happy to learn from a black belt and I was happy for her company. She was great for a blue belt and was a good student. We also talked regularly via text or calls and hung out most Saturdays.

I was getting to know her very well. What she liked, what her dreams were, what made her smile. She was getting through every defense mechanism I had built over the years.

Maybe I could ask her out? That would most definitely be creepy. No chance she'd say yes! Younger, better looking and more put-together guys must throw themselves at her. She wasn't one attracted by wealth and shallow displays. Besides she was supposed to be like my sister. I hated that thought.

"Why so alone, Sammy? You're an absolute catch, mate! I can't believe some beautiful lady hasn't snatched you up yet. I'm sorry on behalf of the entire female species." She'd said last Friday, while having our post-roll coffee.

"That is a story for a much stronger drink, Katherine." I knew calling her Katherine pissed her off.

"Fine, be an arse. I just think you should be married with at least three kids by now."

"Gee! Thanks mum!" I laughed. "The women I dated didn't seem to agree. I don't blame them. I was a cunt to all of them, maybe not all but enough of them to end up alone."

"I find that very hard to believe but if you say so.... You're saying no one ever stole your heart?" She poked me.

"Get up. It's Friday. We're going to have to get drunk if you insist on this line of questioning." I said as I left the table.

"Lead on, uncle grumpy! I don't have a bedtime!" She laughed.

"Ouch! I'm not that old!" I shot back. Secretly knowing I was, at least compared to her.

"Not at all, but time flies, Sammy dearest! Hence our need to find you a good woman and find out what she needs to be." She needled. We made our way to a nearby pub and I ordered us both some scotch. I had discovered her love for the beverage much like myself.

We downed a couple drinks, me more than her. "So.. drunk enough to start?" She asked giving me a sassy smile.

"Not hardly, but then you won't stop being a thorn in my arse so here it goes."

She clapped her hands. "Yay! I get to hear about grumpy Sam's girlfriends! Sweet! Cheers lad!" she clinked her glass to mine loudly and kissed my cheek.

"Were they all pretty little things with fake tits?" she grinned.

I laughed. "Couple of the ones I slept with, yes. None that mattered were though."

"So there were a lot? Jesus!" she looked scandalised but smiled.

I just shook my head and began. "I will sound cringeworthy, but here it goes. There have only ever been two women I ever truly loved. One of them was brilliant. We just didn't work out and she's nothing more than a pleasant memory. The other broke me so badly that I haven't dared to look for love since."

She patted my arm and I emptied my drink. "The first woman I ever loved was Sarah. She was one of my only friends and we were the outcasts with Mark and Graham. I met her in school while running away from some bullies. She had just moved from Bristol. We hung out all the time after that."

"One day she comes to me and says. "Sammy, say you'll be my boyfriend." I had always had a crush on her and she was the only girl to ever take me seriously. I just nodded and that was that."

Katie laughed her melodious laugh. "That is sooooo sweeeet! She seems lovely!" She said pinching my cheeks. I gave her a frown.

"She was." I sighed

"She had a difficult home life too, abusive father. That bonded us more. She was the reason I started martial arts. I wanted to beat her dad up." I laughed.

"I respected her and was in love. I knew she felt the same. We grew closer and closer until one winter day it all ended."

"Why?!" Katie gasped. I sighed.

"Her mum finally had the courage to leave her dad. They were leaving for Ireland. Her mother wouldn't tell her where they would live, in fear of her father finding out. It didn't help that her mum also hated me. We cried like babies and promised to find each other when we could. She left and I was devastated. No address, no phone number."

"Did you find her then?" Katie asked.

"No. Probably one of my life's biggest regrets. Things with mum got worse and I was even more determined to make it out. I tried but it was half hearted. I left a year later and never looked back. She didn't try to find me either. She knew where I was and where I would be. Maybe her mum stopped her. I guess deep down we both knew it was for the best. I hope she is happy now."

"Hmm..." Katie said refilling our glasses.

"I tried to find her on Facebook a few years ago. She probably goes by a different name so I couldn't find her anywhere. It felt creepy to do more than that." I said and gulped my drink.

"I'm so sorry, Sammy. You'd have been good together." Katie patted my arm again.

"Thanks, mate. It's in the past now." I looked into my empty glass.

"The second woman was the other love of my life, she was meant to be the one also. She turned out to be a lying, cheating cunt!"

"Wow! What's the story?" Katie prodded.

"Oh the usual. British nerd meets American goddess, falls in love, proposes marriage. She turns out to be amazing only until she isn't. British nerd walks in one evening to find her mouth filled with his landlord's filthy dick. British nerd is devastated. Tucks his tail and runs back home to hide forever."