Salvation

We got dressed, and I folded up the blanket, and we headed back to the car. But the blanket back in the trunk we drove back home.

When we got back, my parents and the kids were all out at the dock swimming.

I looked out and waved my mom to indicate that we would join them on a moment.

We went back upstairs and changed into our swimsuits.

As I came out of my room, Marilyn was coming out of hers, wearing her pink bikini. "That was beautiful, Ricky," she said. "And sexy as hell too. Thanks for taking me along jogging with you.

"By the way," she added in more of a whisper, "my mom and dad are coming in tomorrow and I'm going to drive to the airport to get them. I'm going to be getting up early, so you'll have to do without me tonight."

* * *

Marilyn's parents' plane was scheduled to arrive early afternoon.

By the time I came down for breakfast, Marilyn had already taken her parents' car into town to run some errands. My mom had thought she would get back around 11 or so, but around 11:45, Marilyn called to say she was running late and asked that they have Toby and Jessica ready to come out when she arrived.

When she pulled in, the visor on her side was down. I guess she had put it down to keep the sun out of her eyes, but it also meant her face was totally hidden. The kids went running out to the car, excited about seeing their parents again. Since they weren't going to have time to eat lunch with us, Mom had made peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for them along with juice boxes, and had packed a bag for Marilyn as well.

It seemed pretty quiet with us on our own. Without their cousins to play with them, the twins didn't really want to go swimming, so I ended up playing some board games with them in the living room. Around five I helped my dad get the grill going so we would be ready when the others got back.

When the car pulled into the driveway around six, everyone was excited to see Aunt Eleanor and Uncle Herb. Aunt Ellie hugged me and Uncle Herb and I shook hands, and then the twins came running to greet them. I saw Marilyn come in, but she was busy with the other members of the family.

As I watched the scene, I noticed that Marilyn had had her hair done -- it was looking lustrous, like the hair some of those models in the commercials swirl around -- and she was wearing new clothes -- a pair of shorter shorts and a sleeveless top that showed plenty of midriff. Basically, it was the kind of outfit that you would expect a hot girl her age to wear, but not at all the kind of thing Marilyn would wear. After a moment, I realized she was even wearing lipstick -- not flaming red or anything, but this was not something I would have ever expected. Aunt Ellie and Uncle Herb were exclaiming to my parents about how good Marilyn was looking.

I understood that Marilyn was happy to be in the middle of all this, but she didn't even seem to look at me.

I couldn't tell if I was just being paranoid, or if there was something wrong. Had I done something? Or not done something? I had expected her to be happy to see me and to want me to be there with her, but there was nothing.

For dinner, my dad cooked up a bunch of chicken parts marinated with barbecue spices, fresh corn, and some more of my mom's potato salad, with beer for the adults (including me and Marilyn) and lemonade for the kids.

With Aunt Ellie and Uncle Herb joining in, the outdoor table was considerably more crowded. Marilyn situated herself beside her parents, across from my parents, with her younger siblings beside her. I sat down next to my mom, but somehow the conversation seemed to leave me out. Instead, the younger kids were eager to have me talk with them and be part of their group. Everything felt totally awkward to me.

After dinner, the younger kids were ready to run around and play for a while. Mom and Aunt Ellie cleaned up the dishes and leftovers. Dad went out to the car with Uncle Herb to bring in their suitcases and let them get settled in.

* * *

That left Marilyn and me. Since I had no idea what was going on, I had no idea of whether it was even okay to talk to her.

She came over to where I was sitting, and said, "Hey Ricky, why don't we go out to the dock for a moment?"

We walked out to the dock together. She didn't try to hold my hand or anything, although with her parents around that would not have been a good idea under any circumstances.

We walked a little bit out onto the dock and stood there, looking out at the water and the sunset.

Then Marilyn said, "Ricky, we need to talk. I know you know something's going on and I understand why you're confused. The truth is, I'm confused too.

"First, I want you to know that you haven't done anything wrong. Not at all. It's just stuff going on in my head. So much has changed for me this week, it's hard for me to figure any of it out.

"When I arrived here, I was still in bad shape because of the whole Billy thing. I didn't want him back, that's for sure, but I had made such a huge mistake and I wasn't past that. Being back home with my parents hadn't done anything, and even going to community college spring semester hadn't really made a difference in how I was feeling.

"I knew I had to change, but I didn't know how to go about it. So when you walked in on me that morning, my anger was all about the frustration I was feeling.

"I mean yes, seeing you naked did give me an idea about what I wanted to do. But the only thing that was coming across was how angry I was.

"Getting to tell you the whole story of what happened with me and Billy helped a lot, even though I was pretty humiliated by having you find me peeking at you through your keyhole. I'm still embarrassed about that.

"Coming into your room during the thunderstorm was all my idea. I knew what I was doing. I was a little amazed at myself since it seemed so out of character with what everybody saw me as being. But it also felt good finally doing something I wanted to do without any excuses. I was taking charge of my life for the first time in a very long time.

"All of it was perfect. You were perfect. And for the first time I felt genuinely sexy and able to feel good about it.

"You know, afterwards, when you began to apologize, thinking maybe you had taken advantage of me, I got mad at you for even thinking that, for not seeing me as someone who could act on my own.

"But now, I see why you would have worried about that. Partially because you're a genuinely nice guy who wouldn't want to take advantage of someone. But also because I was still so much in my old self. In spite of the sex, that part of me hadn't changed. And I still didn't know how to change it.

"Buying that pink bikini was a first step in changing how people looked at me. And even though your mom was a little freaked out, I felt really good wearing it. I knew I looked sexy in it, and I realized how much I liked that. When you mentioned that your mom was worried about what my parents would think, I started thinking about their arrival. I guess I decided that I wanted to hit them with the whole thing, not just the pink bikini. Either they were going to freak out, or they would accept it.

"They not only accepted it, they loved it. I had just been so depressed and dreary-looking that whole year, they couldn't have been happier to see me looking happy and confident for a change."

Okay, all of that made sense. But...why with that change anything between us?

Marilyn was looking out at the lake. She knew the next part was going to be the hard part.

"The thing is," she said, "even before this morning, I knew I had a lot to figure out about myself, about who I was, and who I wanted to be. The other night, when I came to your room, I wasn't waiting for you to teach me anything. I took over, and I let myself go. It wasn't about being nice, or even being with you, it was just about sex -- primal sex. I wanted to see how letting that part of me take over felt.

"I loved it, the more intense the better. I was feeling ready for anything. I felt like I could have gang-banged a whole troop of Hell's Angels.

"Afterwards, I couldn't quite believe where my head had been. I wasn't upset, but it was something I needed to process.

"I could tell you were freaked out. Neither of us really had anything to say, did we?"

* * *

I had been freaked out that night, but what she had just said was freaking me out even more. A whole troop of Hell's Angels? Jesus. I mean before this, things were clear, except for my wondering whether I was going to want to keep this going when we got to State. I was the one in charge of everything.

Marilyn was looking at me, watching to see my reaction to what she just said. I was hoping she wouldn't see how totally bummed I was feeling.

She continued, "You helped me get past Billy for the first time. And you gave me a chance to learn about sex in the very best way, with someone who cared about me.

"But I had so many doubts. What did I really want?

"I didn't want to be your 'convenient' cousin. I didn't want to be your 'down to fuck' relative. And maybe not even your 'hot' cousin. I think I wanted to be your gorgeous cousin -- the glamorous one who would normally be out of your league. I wanted you to be excited about me, and not just about the sex. Maybe in awe of me.

"Ever since junior high, I've been working to not look hot, not look gorgeous. I never looked anywhere near as good as I should have.

"So much has changed for me so fast this week, I need to think about who and what I want to be. I know I can be so much more than I have been in years, but it's strange being in charge of myself this way.

"Remember when you talked about our being at State together and how you would be there for me? That sounded really nice, something to hold onto. But now, I don't think I want to have anyone advising me in any way. I know I made a huge mistake with Billy, and it took a very long time to get past that. But now, I have gotten past it. Maybe I'll make more mistakes, everyone does, but they'll be my own mistakes and it will be my job to deal with them, not anyone else's.

"Look, what I did with you was not a mistake. Not at all. It was perfect, and you were perfect. But now, when I go to State this fall, I have to take full responsibility for myself. I spent all those years, playing it 'safe,' and I missed out on pretty much everything I could have been done. So I have a lot of thinking to do."

She was right. My heart sank. I hadn't expected any of this. And I certainly hadn't expected how hard this would hit me. I mean, when my high school girlfriend, Abbie, the one with the perky tits and the totally cute ass, left for the summer and wasn't going to be coming back, I was sad about that. But I knew I would be at State in the fall and there would be plenty of other girls. But now, with Marilyn, I wasn't sure what was going on with me. I mean, a quick summer fling with a cousin? Wasn't that just a nice prelude to starting State with all those hot co-eds? That's how it should feel, right?

So why was I feeling so bummed out?

The thing is, I understood everything she was saying. Really I did. I knew she was right about everything she said. But however nice it sounds to "understand," most of the time it just sucks.

* * *

Things got a bit awkward after that. No more nighttime visits. Not even a feeling of closeness. I was bummed out, and even though Marilyn was clear on her choice, and I understood why, it wasn't fun having her dump me out of the blue that way.

It wasn't that we wouldn't talk to each other, we would, but we wouldn't have any real conversations between us. It was more like, "Can you bring out more hamburgers, Ricky?"

I don't know if everyone else noticed the change, although I'm not sure how they could miss it.

Anyway, a few days later, after dinner, Marilyn and I ended up sitting on a bench together, not next to each other, but sitting on the same bench. Not really meaning to, I found myself just looking over at her and kind of staring at her profile. After a little while, she turned and looked at me and said, "What are you looking at, Ricky?"

I wasn't sure whether she was irritated, or possibly just asking. Since I couldn't figure out a "best" answer, I just said, "You were right. You are gorgeous."

She looked at me. "Are you just saying that because you think that's what I want to hear?"

"No. Why would I do that?" I said. "You would see right through that, and anyway, I'm not like that. I was just observing, and maybe thinking about things."

"Thinking about things? What things?"

"I guess just thinking about how much everything has changed. How wrong I was, how much I missed. All I knew was about your situation with Billy and how much you had lost because of it. I didn't see how strong you really were. I'm not sure you did either, at least at that point.

"I used to think I needed to look out for you, to help take care of you. I misjudged everything. You are out of my league. And that's okay. I'm glad you found that. Whatever you may have been thinking, I'm happy for you."

"Thank you, Ricky. That means a lot to me. I really appreciate it. I just want you to know I never meant to hurt you in any way. And I'm still grateful to you for everything you did for me."

She got up from the bench and walked back into the house. I just sat there, just trying not to feel even sorrier for myself than I was already feeling.

* * *

I sat there on the bench for a long time. Everyone else had gone inside, and I heard the adults telling the kids it was time for bed.

After a while, the adults came back downstairs and sat around in the living room having drinks and talking. I wasn't sure where Marilyn was, but I wasn't ready to go inside and talk to anyone.

Eventually, it got late enough and I decided to go in and head up to bed. I said good night to the adults and went up the stairs trying not to make noise and wake any of the kids.

I stopped up in the bathroom to brush my teeth and pee, then headed into the bedroom and put on a pair of gym shorts and a T-shirt and got into bed. As usual, I left one of my shades up a bit so I could see the moon. I was still feeling depressed, but I reminded myself there was nothing to be done about it, so I should just try to fall asleep.

Just as I was finally starting to drift off, I heard a soft knock at my door. The door opened and Marilyn came in in her nightshirt. "Billy, are you awake?"

I sat up in bed. "Yeah, I'm awake. I didn't realize you had come upstairs. I didn't see you when I was coming in."

"I came upstairs when the kids were sent upstairs to go to bed. I've been up here for quite a while." She sat down on the side of the bed.

"So, what's up?" I asked after a moment.

"I've just been thinking. Thinking about a lot of things, I guess thinking about everything. Thinking about you. The thing is, I miss you. I miss you a lot.

"You know, when I got my hair done, I ended up spending a lot of time talking to the woman who did my hair. I was her first appointment in the morning there wasn't anyone else waiting. And she was telling me about how I was missing the boat, that I didn't realize how beautiful I could be. That I had been sabotaging myself all along. Like I would shampoo my hair and everything, but I never really thought about paying attention beyond making sure my hair was clean. And the same thing with my clothes. I wasn't doing what any other girl in my situation would be doing, and would be taking for granted.

"I told her I was going to be starting college in the fall, and she told me that I really needed to change the way I thought about myself. And that if I did that, I would have guys falling all over me at school. All of this was such a change from the way I'd always seen myself, or at least had seen myself since junior high. I guess I just had this feeling that I had missed out on so much in high school, that I didn't want to waste college the same way. I wanted to be the kind of girl she told me I could be. I wanted that experience.

"You had done so much for me, but you just knew the old me. That's why you felt you needed to take care of me. I wanted to get away from that. I wanted to be like a snake shedding its old, ugly skin.

"But tonight, when you told me how gorgeous I was, I knew you meant it. I knew you had given up somehow, mainly because of all the things I had said. So you weren't saying that to try to get me back.

"I already knew I missed you, but now, when I thought about what I was looking for, I wanted someone who didn't relate to me as the old me, but saw me as something completely different -- a whole different person to relate to in a whole different way.

"I already knew how handsome you were, and how kind and decent you were. And of course, I remembered how it felt being in bed with you. That's never going to go away. But it was only tonight I saw that maybe you were the person I wanted to find.

"Anyway, I guess I'm still thinking all of this through, but I wanted to come over and tell you something: I love you, Ricky.

"We can talk some more tomorrow. Good night." She leaned over and kissed me on the lips. Then she got up and went back to her room.

I would've loved to have her stick around, and for us to do a lot more, but just that made a world of difference. I didn't necessarily know what lay ahead, but I felt much more at peace.

* * *

The next morning, I woke up early. The sun was just starting to come up, and on my part, the gloom of the past few days had lifted. For a change, I was eager to get up and get outside.

I put on shorts and a T-shirt and flops and headed quietly downstairs. I was the only one up so far. I headed out to the porch, and then went outside to enjoy the sunrise. I sat on the bench which had been the starting point for that disastrous discussion only a few days ago. Only now, I felt relaxed and at peace, a feeling reinforced by the warmth of the sunrise on my face.

After about 15 minutes, I heard the door open and saw Marilyn come out. She came over to the bench and sat down next to me. We sat there silently for a few minutes, just watching the reflection of the sunrise on the lake.

Finally, Marilyn said, "Ricky, I want you to know I meant what I said last night. The thing is, I don't know exactly what that means, or at least what that means for us. I hate the idea that I might be messing with your head. I know you never wanted to mess with mine."

I sat for a moment, thinking. I realized I was still feeling at peace. "Marilyn, all those things you told me the other day about the changes you were going through and trying to figure out who and what you wanted to be next, they all made sense. I would feel exactly the same way. And I would be wary of anything that might hold me back.

"The truth is, before you got your haircut and the new clothes, I had been wondering the same sort of thing. Was what was happening between you and me just an easy accident, too convenient to pass up? I mean there I was, getting ready to go to State, with more hot girls than I had ever been around in my life -- was I going to just miss out on that because of my cousin? It should have been a no-brainer, but it wasn't. There was something between us that I knew I wasn't going to be able to find anywhere else. The truth is, there wasn't any perfect answer.

"And then, you came up with the same idea, and I totally freaked out. None of this answers any questions, does it? So I understand exactly what you're saying."

Marilyn put her arm around my shoulder and hugged me, and held me that way for a while. "Thank you, Ricky. Thank you for that."

There was a sound inside the house of a door opening and then the sound of voices in the kitchen.

"Sounds like somebody's up in getting started making breakfast," Marilyn said. "Maybe we should go in and give them a hand." She turned her head towards me and gave me a quick kiss on the lips and then got up and went back into the house.