Sam I Am Ch. 05

<APyreInside81> Yeah. I guess you're right.

<PhoenixMoon86> Trust me, I'm a good judge of character. Don't talk to that guy anymore and you'll be better off.

<APyreInside81> You're right. Thank you for your advice. I'm sorry if I upset you by telling you about this.

<PhoenixMoon86> No, I'm glad you told me. I'm happy that we trust each other enough to talk about these things. If you have any more contact with any of your friends, let me know, okay? I just want to be informed.

<APyreInside81> That's fair. I'll let you know.

<PhoenixMoon86> Thank you. Let me know in advance, okay?

<APyreInside81> You mean before I meet them, I should let you know that I'm planning on meeting them?

<PhoenixMoon86> Yes, exactly.

<APyreInside81> That sounds like you're planning on preventing me from meeting them.

<PhoenixMoon86> Would that be bad?

<APyreInside81> Well, I mean, I should be able to go out with my friends if I want to.

<PhoenixMoon86> Of course, but you don't want to.

<APyreInside81> What do you mean, I don't want to? Why wouldn't I want to go out with them?

<PhoenixMoon86> Because you'd rather just stay with me.

<APyreInside81> That may be true, but it doesn't really sound healthy... Aren't people supposed to have friendships outside of their relationship?

<PhoenixMoon86> Do you want to?

<APyreInside81> Not really, I guess, but...

<PhoenixMoon86> But what?

<APyreInside81> I feel like I *should*.

<PhoenixMoon86> And why do you feel that way?

<APyreInside81> I don't know... I can't give a concrete reason, it just seems like it.

<PhoenixMoon86> I think you're thinking irrationally again. If you don't have a good reason for what you think, then you're probably wrong. You're probably jumping to conclusions based on a lack of information. I think you would rather just stop going out with your friends.

<APyreInside81> Maybe.

<PhoenixMoon86> Are we agreed, then?

<APyreInside81> You're asking me to agree to not meet with friends anymore?

<PhoenixMoon86> Yes.

<APyreInside81> Something about that doesn't sound right.

<PhoenixMoon86> I never go out with friends either. So it's only fair.

<APyreInside81> What if I want to, though?

<PhoenixMoon86> You won't. We'll make sure of it.

<APyreInside81> We?

<PhoenixMoon86> Yes. You and I both. Because neither of us want you to keep going out with other people.

<APyreInside81> Doesn't it seem a bit controlling to try and control whom I can talk to?

<PhoenixMoon86> I'm only doing it because you want it.

<APyreInside81> What do I want?

<PhoenixMoon86> A TPE.

<APyreInside81> A what?

<PhoenixMoon86> Total Power Exchange. Do you know what that is?

<APyreInside81> No.

<PhoenixMoon86> Do you think that we have a domination-and-submission relationship?

<APyreInside81> Um, maybe, kind of.

<PhoenixMoon86> But that kind of thing is usually just sexual. In the bedroom, one person is in control, the other person is controlled. But we do that whole control thing outside of the bedroom, in a non-sexual context as well, don't we?

<APyreInside81> I guess we do, yes.

<PhoenixMoon86> That's what I'm getting at. A Total Power Exchange is when the submissive doesn't just get tied to the bed and spanked, it's when he gives up complete control of his life. He hands over all power over his entire life to the woman who controls him, and he has no say about anything in his life because she makes all his personal decisions for him.

<APyreInside81> That sounds kind of dangerous.

<PhoenixMoon86> Not at all. There are many people who live in such relationships.

<APyreInside81> That would require me to trust you 100%.

<PhoenixMoon86> Good thing that you do, then. Don't you?

<APyreInside81> Well, yes, but...

<PhoenixMoon86> Then what is there to make a "but" about?

<APyreInside81> I'm just not sure about this whole thing.

<PhoenixMoon86> That's why I'm here to make the decision for you. It doesn't matter if you're not sure, Sam. Just trust me. I will make the best decisions for us.

<APyreInside81> That sounds like something a person who can't be trusted would say.

<PhoenixMoon86> Are you implying I can't be trusted.

<APyreInside81> I don't know. I just... I don't know what to do. I'm sorry.

<PhoenixMoon86> It's okay. Just think about it for a while. I don't want to pressure you into making a decision now. We have plenty of time.

<APyreInside81> Okay. Thank you for your understanding. I'll come back and talk to you about it after I've thought about it some more, okay?

<PhoenixMoon86> Of course, my darling. Take all the time you need.

<APyreInside81> Thanks for being so understanding about this, Sam.

<PhoenixMoon86> You're welcome. Just one more thing...

<APyreInside81> Yes?

<PhoenixMoon86> No orgasm for you until you reach a final decision.

<APyreInside81> But if I don't have an orgasm, I won't be able to think clearly about the whole thing.

<PhoenixMoon86> If you can't even think clearly about it, then why would you trust your own judgment? That just goes to show that you need someone like me who can show you what you need and what the truth is.

<APyreInside81> I don't know... Ugh, I don't know what to say, I'm sorry.

<PhoenixMoon86> It's okay, don't feel bad. I understand. You don't have to say anything. Just think about it for a while. Just go and lie down and think about it for a good long time. And let me know when you decide.

<APyreInside81> Okay, I'll do that. Thank you, Sam. Thanks for being willing to give me time.

<PhoenixMoon86> Take all the time you need, my love. I'll be right here waiting for you.

* * *

He might have been a person of weak will, at least when he tried to assert his will against hers, but he was not a stupid person, and it was clear to him that he wasn't thinking clearly. The day came when he wasn't willing to keep going in mental circles anymore. He made the decision, just for once, to sit down and think as objectively and rationally as possible about the whole thing. Doing this necessitated an orgasm, so that his thinking process wouldn't be muddied by the constant sexual thoughts he was having. And so he resolved, just for once, to masturbate to orgasm without her permission, even though she'd explicitly said not to do this.

He found this more difficult than expected. He felt guilty about it; he knew that he wouldn't be able to tell her the truth, that he had orgasmed against her wishes, and even without the guilt weighing on his mind, he found that masturbating just wasn't the same anymore. After the sheer intensity of their in-person sexual encounter, lying on a bed alone and trying to tug at his penis just wasn't working for him. It took him much longer than usual to reach climax, and even when he did, it seemed less satisfying than usual. It wasn't so much that he came in the usual rush of ecstasy, but more like the intensity of his arousal just wore off for a while. For the moment, that would have to be enough until he could get his thoughts in order.

It became clear to him, when he thought about it for a while, that he was in over his head. He'd underestimated her at first: for some reason, he'd thought that she wasn't very serious about their relationship, that she was perhaps shy, maybe even not very intelligent. None of these initial impressions had been true. He suspected that she'd deliberately given these impressions for the purpose of getting him to initially underestimate her. Well, there was nothing to be done about that now; whatever had happened had already happened, and the question now was what to do for the future.

He didn't need to think about it for very long. He realized that he didn't trust her and couldn't trust her; she'd said too many things that didn't seem to be true or were intended to mislead him. And what is a relationship without trust? Whatever other qualities she might have had-good looks, intelligence, charisma, a sense of humor, a phenomenal sex drive-could not sustain a relationship without trust. Quickly, before he could change his mind, he logged back online and sent her the message he knew he needed to send.

<APyreInside81> Sam, I'm sorry. I need to take a break from this.

He waited a few minutes. No response. She was showing up as online. Was she away from her computer? Or was she ignoring him?

<APyreInside81> Sam? Are you there?

Another few minutes passed.

<APyreInside81> I need to talk to you.

Still nothing.

<APyreInside81> Please answer me. I really need to talk to you right now. It's important.

<PhoenixMoon86> What do you want?

<APyreInside81> Have you been here the whole time, just ignoring me?

<PhoenixMoon86> What do you need to talk about?

<APyreInside81> I'm breaking up with you.

<PhoenixMoon86> Okay.

<APyreInside81> That's it? Just okay?

<PhoenixMoon86> What else should I say?

<APyreInside81> Aren't you upset about it?

<PhoenixMoon86> Is that why you're saying this? To make me upset? Way too obvious, dude. Don't try to manipulate other people's emotions if you don't know what you're doing. Leave that to me, I know how to manipulate yours effectively.

<APyreInside81> So you're not upset that we're breaking up?

<PhoenixMoon86> Can we still be friends?

<APyreInside81> Um, sure, I guess so, if you want.

<PhoenixMoon86> Then nothing changes. We just go from being in a relationship to being close friends.

<APyreInside81> Well, I'm okay with being friends if you're okay with it.

<PhoenixMoon86> Of course I am. It's fine.

To him, it seemed that what he'd said might have been a blow to her. In reality, it was fine with her; if they had an on-again, off-again relationship in which they constantly broke up and then reunited, eventually he would lose the ability to distinguish between the two. There would be no discernible difference between whether they were in a relationship or not, because either way, they would be together, doing the same things they always did anyway. She didn't need the "label" of being in a relationship; as long as they were together and it was always just the two of them, it didn't matter what they called it. Without any labels or names to apply to the link between them, he would be all the more confused about where they stood and what was real. And if they were together but "not in a relationship", that might be even better, because it meant that he couldn't break up with her.

<APyreInside81> Well, thank you for being understanding about this. I thought you would be more upset.

<PhoenixMoon86> I'm not upset at all. Friends can still control each other's orgasms, right?

<APyreInside81> Um... I don't think that's usual behavior between friends.

<PhoenixMoon86> Good thing ours isn't a usual friendship, then.

<APyreInside81> It doesn't sound like we're really breaking up... It doesn't sound like you're actually accepting that we're breaking up.

<PhoenixMoon86> Well, just remember: just because you broke up with me, that doesn't mean that I broke up with you.

<APyreInside81> But it's not like I need your permission to break up with you. Both people don't have to agree to the breakup. One person can leave if they so choose.

<PhoenixMoon86> In most relationships, that might be true, but not in ours. You don't get to choose.

<APyreInside81> Why?

<PhoenixMoon86> Because you're not autonomous. You don't have control of your mind or your body anymore.

<APyreInside81> How do you know?

<PhoenixMoon86> I just know it. Just wait and see, Sam. Find out how happy you'll be over the next few days, weeks, or months. Find out how much ability you have to take any joy in anything in life. I know that you won't be able to, because I'm the only thing that gives you the ability to feel happy about anything. Find out how readily you can orgasm without me in your life. I know you won't be able to, because your dick is already addicted to me. You won't be able to reach an orgasm if I'm not wiping my pussy juice on your face. Find out how strong your will to live is without me. I know it will be weak, because you live only for me. And when you can't stand it anymore, when you can't bear your life without me anymore, you'll come crawling back to me. I'm in no hurry; I'm willing to wait years, but I have a feeling you won't even last a month. I'll just be here waiting. You can come and let me know when you've given up and are willing to take your rightful place, which is kneeling at my feet, and agree to a TPE.

*** PhoenixMoon86 has signed off ***

She'd turned it all around. What should have been devastating news-his intent to break up with her-had been turned into a war of attrition in which he was bound to lose. She knew exactly how to use a man's imagination against him: plant the seeds that needed to be planted, then leave him alone with no further input. As time went by, his mind was bound to start manufacturing its own thoughts, exactly the thoughts that she wanted to be there.

He had a bad feeling about all of this. In theory, it should have been his fantasy come true: he'd always wanted this, a woman who was strong and determined enough to take control of his life. Now he had what he'd always dreamed of. And yet something was off. Maybe the problem was him: maybe he just wasn't ready for it. Whatever the case, he went to sleep that night with a tingling in his head-both heads-that he just couldn't get rid of.