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"FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!" she blurted out in panic.
Jon caught her in his arms and kept her from falling. She grabbed hold of his arm for dear life and let out a huge sigh.
"Thanks," she said genuinely.
"You okay?" he asked trying not to let the grin under his scarf come across in his voice.
"I don't fucking know. It's so far down."
"You could have started with a green run," he said.
"Yes. I know. I should have, but I wanted to stay with the group and I thought it wouldn't be that bad. I'm an idiot."
"No your not. Just need to get used to it again. I'll help you get down," he reassured her.
He gave her a couple tips on not losing control on the steeper slope and for getting through the icier patches. He got her to follow him on a path that he thought would be easier, but she was still nervous. Finally when the steeper first portion started to flatten out she seemed to find her feet. She even started to laugh as they bounced over a few small humps. She still fell once and swore in frustration but was still motivated enough to keep going eagerly.
He met her at the bottom and she gave him a high five with an exhilarated laugh.
"You lived!" he joked.
"Holy fuck," she said looking back up the mountain in disbelief. "Maybe I do a green run before trying that again."
"Sounds like a good plan," he said.
"Where's everyone else?" she asked, looking around.
"I think they've gone up the lift again. We kinda took our time getting down here."
"Sorry I held you back," she said
"No don't worry about it. Let's head back up."
They worked their way back over to the lift and got in line together. Part of him started to feel nervous to be alone with her again, but he reminded himself he shouldn't be. He and Beth were serious and strong together and he had told Carly as much. He needed to trust himself if he expected her to trust him.
"I can't believe how scary that was at the top, like it was just so high up. Other resorts I've been to weren't anywhere close."
Jon chuckled. "And you wanted me to go skydiving with you..." he said shaking his head.
"To face the fear!" She said, swatting him with a smile. "I hate heights but I don't want to."
"Okay fair enough. Would I have had to push you out of the plane though?" he joked.
"Maybe..." she laughed. "Or at least convince me. I mean it's kinda what you did up there."
"You did it yourself you just needed to see that you could. Anyone could do that," he said.
"No it's... different with you. You've always had a knack for making me feel like everything's going to be okay," she said with a soft smile.
Her words snuck into his chest and started to expand as he looked into her sparkling blue eyes. He broke his stare as he suddenly realized they had to move forward to catch the chair and they both almost missed it, laughing together as they pulled themselves on awkwardly and it swung away.
Remembering the skydiving conversation from their happier days, and laughing with her was turning the time back in his mind, and he was definitely feeling more comfortable with her, but maybe for the wrong reasons.
He brought himself back to earth thinking of their conversation from last night, but it compelled him to apologize.
He looked at her and broke the brief silence, "Carly... I'm sorry about last night. About what I said, er, at least how I said it. If I hurt you... again, I'm sorry."
She seemed to search his face and slowly turn her mouth into a small smile, "I forgive you... again," she said softly, squeezing his arm.
He couldn't help feeling a small thrill at the affectionate touch, and he noticed she seemed to hold his eyes after her words. He nodded and gulped, looking away. Thankfully she changed the subject.
"The view IS beautiful as long as you look away and not down," she said, grasping the safety bar tightly.
"Yeah. It's one of my favorite things about skiing actually. Makes me think I should go hiking more," Jon said.
"Yeah me too. Why don't you?"
"Elaina was very much NOT into it. Beth is though, we've talked about going once the spring comes," Jon said.
Carly simply nodded and there was a brief awkward silence.
A kid on a snowboard went underneath their lift and they could hear the music coming loudly through his headphones even from far away.
"Sheesh. It's gonna suck seeing that kid for noise-induced hearing loss in a few years," Jon said.
"Ugh. He's blowing those things out too. Looked like a crap brand anyway, but I could hear the distortion from up here."
"Riiight. Little miss audiophile," he said with a smile.
"You're just jealous you can't appreciate it." she mocked.
"I think I could appreciate the difference between THAT and something sane." he said.
"Did you um... try out the turntable?" she said, with a nervous glance.
Jon lost his smile and looked away, but eventually answered. "I was afraid to look at it for a long time. Almost threw it out actually..."
Her eyes went wide with concern at the thought.
"...But I finally busted it out a few weeks ago. Picked up a few albums on vinyl to test it out."
She gasped excitedly and smiled, "Which ones!"
...
"No! No comparison. Second album all the way," Jon argued with a smile as they jumped off the ski lift at the top.
"Sacrilege!" Carly said. "How can y-... ooohhhh shit!" she teetered as she skied down the small slope from the lift and caught her ski in a groove.
Jon laughed as he helped her stand back up out of the snow on the edge of the path. "Smooth," he teased.
"No fair, you distracted me with your crazy-talk!" she laughed brushing the snow off.
"K the green one's this way. Unless you wanna try another intermediate," Jon said.
"I was almost tempted, but after this little display I think I better play it safe," she giggled.
"Fair enough," he chuckled. "Let's go."
They skied away together towards the run.
...
"Woo!" she said skidding up to him and giving him a light snow shower at the bottom of the run. "That felt good!"
"Looked good too," Jon said, feeling proud.
"DO I now?" she said suggestively, and wiggling her hips playfully.
Jon had to put a lot of effort into ignoring the feelings it gave him and looked away. "That's not what I..."
"I'm joking," she said with a swat.
They skied up to a different lift, no sign of the others anywhere around.
"At the top of this one there's a green and an intermediate to the right, so you can take your pic. Just don't go left it gets tricky that way from what I know."
"Yeah I'll just stick with you," she said with a smile. "I'm actually having a lot of fun."
They made light fun conversation as they waited in line, and Jon lost himself in how great she was to talk to when the ice was melted. When they got on the chairlift again though, there was a silence that started comfortable, but strained on.
Carly finally spoke. "Vienna asked about you, you know," she said with a smirk.
"Oh?" Jon said looking at her in confusion.
"Yeah... she tried to be subtle, but she was... interested in your situation."
Jon waved a hand dismissively. "She's probably just not used to meeting a doctor and got caught up in the novelty."
"No, actually apparently her dad's a surgeon," Carly said. "You know she actually has a microbiology degree? She's a smarter woman than she lets on."
"Hmm." Jon raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Well whatever, she's engaged to Blake."
"Yeah... Sometimes that doesn't mean much..." Carly said softly.
Jon's face went sour at the implication. After a moment Carly spoke up again.
"No, honestly I don't know if she's really interested in you, she was actually more asking about... us."
"What do you mean?" Jon said carefully.
"Well... I guess she could sense something there. Between us."
Jon got suddenly concerned. "I didn't think we'd been... Have I...?"
"No, no, not that I'D noticed anyway, but I dunno, maybe we haven't realized."
"Do you think other people suspect, or ever did?" Jon asked.
"I don't know. I thought MAYBE Grace did for a bit, but I haven't got the sense recently. The only person I've told is my therapist."
Jon looked at her for a few seconds. "I told Beth," he admitted.
Carly tightened her lips and nodded. "K..."
"Like, not details, but we're really serious and I didn't want there to be secrets. I-..."
"Yeah, yeah I get it, I don't blame you," Carly said, looking away.
"Maybe we're sending signals, but we just need to give it time. Whatever's lingering between us is gonna fade, and we'll move on and be happier for it," Jon said, as much to himself as to her.
She was silent for a minute, and then he heard her sniffle and realized she was crying.
"That's not what you said before..." she said with a croaky voice.
"Well now I-"
"You said you'd never stop feeling that way about me. You tried to tell me you loved me."
"I shouldn't have."
"But you did. You really did feel that way didn't you?" She finally looked at him and he saw the tears streaming down her face.
Jon wanted to be honest with her. He knew at the time he had been more sure he was in love with her than anything else in the universe, but he resisted.
"I... I don't know anymore..." he lied, feeling his throat tighten up in remorse.
"I should've let you say it. I should have said it back. I wanted to, so badly, but I was scared and I was still in denial."
"Carly please, don't do this," Jon begged, trying to keep his voice from breaking. "I can't let myself betray another woman again. Beth doesn't deserve it, even Elaina didn't deserve it, Tabitha absolutely didn't deserve it, and neither did you when I fucked up the worst. How could you even want me if I did it again. How DO you still want me after I did?"
"Because... I just do," she sobbed stubbornly. "Because you know that you messed up, and I love that you want to do better, and I forgive you for it. I really do, I shouldn't have pushed you away. I shouldn't have run."
"No, you did the right thing."
"Fuck the right thing. I've regretted it ever since. Now I just want to tell you the truth. Jon, I don't know when I might get a chance to be alone with you again after this, and if I don't I..." She was almost hyperventilating. "...I need you to know that I... I want to tell you at least once that... I love you."
Those three words were like a spell that made every cell in his body swell with a life that was beautiful and painful all at once.
"Jon... I loved you for a long time. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I know you want to be a good man and stay with her and if you do then fine, but I need you to know that I still love you. Even after everything. I feel like I always will."
Jon wiped away a tear that escaped and looked away from her. He was worried if he stared too long he would reach over and kiss her. So much of him wanted to. He saw the end of the lift coming up.
"Don't you still feel anything for me?" she pleaded softly.
He tried to find words but his mouth felt dry as a bone and opened and closed uselessly. He looked from her pale sobbing face to the upcoming dismount slope and struggled in his own teary-eyed hopelessness.
"I don't..."
He meant to say 'I don't know what to do', but his words caught in his throat, and he suddenly scrambled for his poles as the dismount approached.
She let out a devastated sob and looked away in despair as the dismount came under their feet and they launched away.
"No wait, I mean I don't-... Carly just wait!" He skied off to the right like they'd planned, but she veered away from him to the left. He lurched when he noticed and almost fell, having to keep going right to stop from falling. He knew there was only black diamond runs the other way.
"No! Carly wait!" he yelled at her as he finally stopped and awkwardly turned around, but his heart sank as he saw her look back at him with a destroyed look and push herself away even faster towards the other runs to escape him.
He worked desperately to ski back up the trail to catch up with her, but she looked back again and took off faster. He watched in disbelief as she launched herself down the slope already going way too fast.
"Carly! Stop!" he shouted hopelessly as he poled his way down the approach trail and came over the ridge to watch her skiing almost straight down, gaining speed and not looking like she was in control.
He launched down after her and tried to maintain his own control while still working to catch up with her. He saw her veer off to the far side and towards the moguls in the scattered trees. He suddenly remembered what Beth was telling Rob about this run and started to panic.
His fears came to life as he saw her start to ricochet over the first few moguls. She tried to veer sideways to slow herself down but had almost no control. She flailed and somehow stayed on her feet but headed into a narrow path out further into the denser trees, going way too fast for the size of the track. Jon worked his way over the moguls like his life depended on it and somehow managed to hit the same path into the trees, going recklessly fast, but somehow maintaining his balance. He suddenly saw her again at the bottom of a steeper slope as it turned away from the cliff beyond it, back towards the main run, but she hit it too fast and flew into the air away from the trail. He watched in horror as her ski tip caught the snow fence and she flipped upside down as she flew into the air and soared over the steep ledge.
"CARLY!!!" he shouted her name in terror as he managed to crash into the snowfence to stop himself and watched her miraculously smash feet first into a tree to stop her descent and tumble down to disappear into the snow below it.
He scrambled to untangle himself from the plastic fence and climbed over the snowdrift to look down. It was a steep slope but not straight down, at least not entirely. She was about 30 feet down. On the other end of a small sloped plateau. A little further and she would have gone straight over the cliff. He didn't see her moving under the tree though, and he suddenly realized she was caught in a tree well.
He moved in a mad panic. She could be suffocating to death as he stood there. He unclipped his skis and grabbed one in his hands, and without thinking twice jumped down the the sheer 20 foot drop to the top of the sloped plateau below.
He sunk up to his waist but managed to work his way down to the tree. He saw the snow moving slightly on the right side of the trunk but couldn't see her. He worked his way down-slope of the tree and started digging frantically towards her with his hands and using the ski as a makeshift shovel. She would be suffocating helplessly. Gasping for air that wasn't there with her lungs being more and more compressed by collapsing snow. Tears of regret and pure fear started to fall down his face as he willed every muscle in his body into overdrive trying to clear the snow and reach her. It was taking too long. Hopelessness was starting to set in.
He wished he had said the words back and kissed her. He wished they had just stayed on the lift and talked, or that he at least told her to wait and let him figure things out. Anything other than that heartless rejection, even if it wasn't intentional. She deserved so much more. Instead, she would die thinking he didn't care. The most amazing woman he'd ever met would die a needless, senseless death. Like Garrett, like so many other good people that he'd seen have their rich meaningful lives stripped away for no good reason.
He lost control and screamed her name again, "CARLY!!!" Why couldn't he find her? Why couldn't he save her?
He threw his hands up and grabbed his head in frustration. Then, as the snow was still, he suddenly saw a slight movement crack the snow off to the left of where he had been digging. He attacked the snow in that direction and finally felt her parka. He slid his hands along it clearing the snow away with new-found energy and hope and finally felt the skin of her face and then a sudden desperate gasp of air from her mouth.
He sobbed with a smile as he cleared away her head and got her arms free as she sucked in more long laboured breaths. Once he was sure her chest was free enough to let her breathe easier he let her catch her breath and held his face close to hers, gently cleaning the snow from her perfect beautiful skin.
"Carly can you hear me?" he asked.
"Jon..." she muttered in exhaustion between her slowly settling breaths.
"Carly you're gonna be okay, alright? I'm here. I got you."
"Okay... Jon... I'm sorry," she whispered breathlessly.
"No, Carly, I'M sorry, I'm so so sorry. I didn't mean to say what I said back there, I just... Fuck I can't believe I almost lost you," he laid his forehead gently on hers and caressed her cheek.
"...I'm upside down," she muttered in confusion.
"Yeah, I know. We need to pull you out. I just wanted you to catch your breath. Are you okay to hang on to my arms?" he asked.
"Yeah... yeah I think so. My leg really hurts."
"K we'll take a look when we get you out." He leaned down sideways and wrapped his arms around her and reached out his leg to brace against the tree trunk. He couldn't believe how good it felt to have her arms squeeze tightly around his shoulders and her face next to his.
"K on 3, one, two THREE!"
"AAHHH FUCK!!" she screamed out in pain. He stopped with her only halfway out and sideways. "I think my leg is broken!"
"Shit. Okay. Let me clear some more of the snow away and hopefully we can move you the rest of the way."
He dug the rest of the snow away from on top of her legs, and made sure her bindings were unclipped. She winced as he slid her away from the tree and slowly up the slope away from the steep drop off.
"Oh! Jesus!" she exclaimed in fear, seeing the cliff below them.
"Don't look over there, just focus on me okay? Let's get you a little further up this slope," Jon said, praying the snow didn't give out below them.
She whimpered through tears of pain as he slid her up and away and finally to a place he was thought was safe. He took out his phone and sighed in disappointment to discover they had no cell service.
They both shouted for help for a few minutes, but no response came. He finally decided he needed to try to climb back out. He packed snow around her leg to help immobilize it and pulled her in for an affectionate hug and told her he needed to go find help.
She squeezed him back needfully and cried into his shoulder. "Be careful Jon!"
"I'm coming right back as soon as I find someone or get a cell signal okay? I promise."
"What if you fall? It's all rocky and steep up there!"
"I'll be fine. I'm coming back, I promise. Okay?" He looked deep into her eyes and they shared a long stare. She nodded with a small scared smile. He felt like he wanted to bend down and kiss her, but he stood up and started trudging through the snow.
He took a long time searching for a path back up the first drop-off and struggled up the steep rocks. Finally with the help of a few unfortunate saplings he pulled his way up and over the ledge. Muscles exhausted and panting for breath he finally found the snow fence again. Still no bars on his phone. He shouted for help again. He trudged over to the trail and kept shouting. He decided going up was better to start with, and climbed, shouting again and again.
He finally was able to see the start of the trail as it opened up to the moguls. He shouted again and suddenly heard the scrape of a snowboard and someone come to a stop at the opening of the trail.
"Hey!" he waved frantically.
"OH! Hey, um Jon right?! It's me, Tails -er Taylor!"
"Oh! Yeah! Hey man we're in serious trouble, Carly fell over the edge down there, she's partway down the cliff and she's got a broken leg!"
