Savior Ch. 16

"Does Patrick know you race?" I asked as we made our way across the parking area.

"He knows, but he doesn't come watch. I think It hits a little too close to home for him."

He led me to the far corner of the parking area, and I noticed a faint trail leading into the forest. We followed the path, stepping over fallen trees and pushing aside undergrowth.

"Where are we going?"

"A little place the locals know about."

We walked for another ten minutes, making small talk, before stopping on a flat rock outcropping that overlooked the same valley as the public overlook, but with a much better view. There was no real danger of me falling, but I couldn't convince my knees and stomach of that, the lack of handrailing and the nearness of the edge making me slightly wobbly. My heart pounding, he steered me across the huge rock to another short ledge, perfect for sitting, set back a bit farther back from the cliff edge and tucked under some trees. He picked me up as easily as he handled the doors, sat me on the ledge, then turned his back to it and hopped up to sit beside me.

"Some view," I said as I slowly kicked my feet, the setting sun painting the valley with reds and golds.

"Beautiful."

He wasn't looking at the majestic scene before us. "Oh, would you stop," I growled, giving him a push on the shoulder, though I was warmed by his attention and the compliment.

He looked over the forest below. "The scenery's not bad either."

I snickered as I shook my head before taking his hand, holding it in silence as I enjoyed his company.

"Do you really think we'll find Garrett?" I murmured after a long moment of silence.

"Yes."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because we have the whole town looking for him, even if they don't know it, and because I promised I'd get him back to you."

"But how?"

He looked over the valley again. "I don't know," he said, not looking at me, "but if Carl's in Bayport, or he shows up here, we'll figure out a way."

I continued watching the slow creep of shadows as the sun set. "Why are you helping me? This isn't your problem."

"Because I said I would. We made a bargain. You help us, we'll help you."

"Is that the only reason?"

I didn't know what I wanted him say. That he loved me? If he did, I'd know it was a lie. Nobody can fall in love in less than a week. Because I fucked him, and he wanted more of the same? At least I could understand that, but how long would it last? The way he looked and fucked, he could probably have all the free pussy he could handle.

He was quiet a moment, as if thinking. "No. I'm also helping because I want to."

"But why?"

"Because, Hanna," he said, a hint of exasperation in his voice, "I feel sorry for Garrett. I know what it's like growing up with a dad you can't depend on, a dad who doesn't have time for his son. It pisses me off that Carl is doing that to his own kid. I want to take that son of a bitch by the throat and beat the living shit out of him! I don't even know Carl, but I hate his fucking guts!" He paused a moment then continued more softly. "If everything you said is true, I want to get Garrett away from Carl because the kid deserves better."

I watched him as he stared across the valley, my eyes wide at sudden venom in his voice. "You okay?" I murmured, gripping his hand tighter.

He met my eyes and his face softened. "Yeah. Sorry. It's just every time I think of Carl and Garrett, I see me and my father, and it pisses me off." He gave my hand a gentle squeeze in return. "I thought I was past this, but guess I still have some issues to work out."

"Thank you for leveling with me."

He shrugged. "It's my problem."

"No, I mean thank you for telling me why you're helping." I spent another long moment watching the shadows of the setting sun moving gradually across the valley. "Can I tell you something?" I whispered, afraid if I looked at him I'd lose my nerve.

"Sure."

I licked my lips, my heart thudding harder than when we stepped onto the rock. "You're confusing me."

"What do you mean?"

I could feel him looking at me, but I didn't look away from the scenery. "I mean, nobody has ever been so nice to me without wanting something in return. I don't know how to take what you're doing. I don't know what you expect from me."

"I don't expect anything from you."

"And if I said I wanted to go back to my motel tonight and not sleep with you anymore, that'd be okay? You'd still help me get Garrett back?"

He said nothing and I glanced at him. He was frowning, his displeasure clear. "Is that why you're sleeping with me, so I'll help you with Garrett?"

I could feel myself tearing up. "I don't know! I told you I was confused! I don't think so, but... I feel like it's expected... but you don't seem that way, and now I can't tell if I want to be with you because I'm so grateful, or feel guilty, or what!" I covered my face with my hands, not wanting him to see me cry. "I don't know what I feel," I gasped, trying to pull myself together. "I'm so twisted up by all this I don't know what to do or how to act. When I'm with you I feel a little happiness, but then I feel guilty for feeling that way when Garrett is still missing. I want to believe you want to be with me and aren't just using me, but..."

"But what?" he asked quietly.

"But... I have a hard time believing it," I murmured, ashamed of my words.

He took my chin, turned my face to him, and then gently pulled my hands from my face. "If you want to go back to your motel, I'll drop you off on the way back. Will I be disappointed? Yes, but I'll still help you find Garrett. I'll help you for as long as I can. Not because you're sleeping with me, but because Garrett deserves better. I might not be able to save every kid from a piece of shit father, but I sure as hell can try to save this one."

I watched his eyes, his gaze steady. I could see anger and determination there... and I believed him. I tried to push my tears away, but couldn't. My accusing words were out there and I could never take them back. I leaned over, wanting him to hold me, and when his arms surrounded me, what little control I had failed. I began to sob, so achingly sorry for what I'd said, for every bad decision I'd made that had brought me to this point, that I couldn't contain it anymore.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"For what?" he whispered as he held me and stroked my hair.

"For doubting you, for think you were like... accusing you..." I gripped his jacket in clenched fists as tears and pain poured from me in racking sobs. "You're such a good man," I sniffed when I began to calm down. "If you can just help me find Garrett, then I'll..."

"You'll what?" he murmured, his embrace still warm and comforting.

"Then I'll get out of your life and you won't ha—"

"What if I don't want you out of my life?"

I sniffed again. "You deserve better than me."

"How about you let me decide what I want and deserve."

I pulled him to me again as my tears returned and I cried into his chest, nodding my head. I wanted to believe, I so desperately wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, when this was over Rand and I could try to make something together.

I gathered myself as I wiped at his chest. "Your jacket is all wet," I sniffed.

"It's been worse."

"I'm sorry for what I said."

"It's okay. I can understand how you are—"

"That's not an excuse," I whispered, cutting him off. "Can you forgive me?"

"Nothing to forgive."

"I'm so fucked up," I murmured as I pushed out of his arms, alternately wiping tears from my eyes and his jacket.

"You're just worried and confused. Do you want to go back to your motel?"

I sniffed again. "Only to get my things, if you still want me."

He smiled and pulled me into a slow, gentle kiss. "We'll take your car. You can drive."

I wanted to cry again, but I fought off my tears. "Thank you, and I'm sorry."

He smiled at me. "Didn't you and I have agreement about you apologizing all the time?"

I laughed wetly. "You said try it for an hour."

He wiped away another tear. "So I did, but I think you're ready to try it for a week now, don't you?"

I swallowed hard and nodded, afraid if I spoke I might start crying again. He kissed my eyes in the gathering darkness before pulling me into another embrace.

He held me until the darkness was nearly complete before leading me to his Harley, holding my hand tight as the light from his cell phone lit the way.