Screwing with History

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I found a desk on the top floor of the library. The lights were just being turned out. Security had left. I was alone. I'd have to sleep here. At least it was warm, and no one would find me until morning. Wrapped in my younger self's stolen sweater, my mind started racing. I was suddenly in 1995. I had no money, and I was starting to get hungry. Would I have to resort to stealing? I laughed to myself. Such a crazy predicament. Not to mention possibly destroying the space time continuum. I looked around at the deserted desks, the narrow moonlit stacks in the library attic. This is where I came to study years ago. This was my little cove, when I needed to finish off a challenging paper or crunch for finals. This was where I would silently run my hand up under my shirt and trace my smooth flat belly... I remembered it well. My younger me was even more appealing than I expected. If I was going to eat, if I was going to drink, if I was going to stay alive... I would have to meet him -- tomorrow. And this was the perfect place!

Next morning, I showered at the gym (two days of grime slid off of me with warm soapy caresses. I was sparkling clean. After all, I want to be presentable when I meet my hot date. I went into the Commons once more as "me", grabbed a Danish and wolfed it down. Then I went up to the library.

He was already up there, getting an early start on his studies. Alone, in the furthest alcove at the end of the gloomiest aisle of books. The radiator was creaking and cranking away, the air was dry and warm. His back was to me. I soft shoed towards him, watching him breathe as he read. His blue T-shirt stretched tightly over his muscular back... an angle I never got to admire. His beautiful, tormented form. My heart went out to him. And then he looked up from his book... staring straight ahead. I stopped in my tracks. I had nowhere to go. He turned around slowly in his chair. The back of his head became his profile. His eyes turned in his head as he came all the way around. We saw each other for the first time. There was no alarm. The room actually got quieter. For a full minute we just stared at each other, wordlessly. His mouth relaxed slightly, as if he were about to say something. My breath quickened. His eyes traveled down my body, sizing me up, checking me out.

"Am I dreaming?" he asked.

"Maybe I'm dreaming", I said back. He swiveled all the around in his chair. He quickly looked right and left, to make sure there was no one else around. Then he stood up. "Jack?", he asked, almost breathless with amazement.

"Yes... Jack." I said back, warmly.

That Mona Lisa smile appeared on his face. His soft blue eyes let their guard down. It was as if he had been expecting me. I stepped closer. He stood up. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. His face was getting flushed, just like in the photograph back on my computer.

"Everyone else has seen you already", he said, his eyes locked onto mine. "They were joking about it throughout the day. I didn't believe them."

"They weren't joking", I said, stepping closer. "Here we are." I giggled... "Or... Here I both am."

He reached out with his left hand and touched my face. His fingertips were like electricity upon my cheek. "I just had to touch -- to see if you were a ghost, or a hologram, or some long delayed remnant of that acid I dropped a month ago." I felt my loins begin to stir. His fingers traveled down my neck, along my throat. "You're wearing my sweater."

"Yes Jack. I'm sorry, I had nothing to wear"

"So that was you in my room last night." The slightest upturn on his lips. "I've been stressing out all morning that someone had broken into my place and stolen something, or worse -- seen what I do every night."

"Your secret is safe with me." He knew that I watched his entire "ritual". It was as if we had the same memories. Because, of course, we did.

Our gazes upon each other deepened. But behind his seductive front, I saw his tender fragile side.

"So, are you my -- what is it - my doppleganger?

"No. I am an older version of you."

"But you look exactly like me -- how is this even possible?" He sized me up. "So how much older?"

"All I can tell you is, I have already graduated, and gone out into the world. There's a lot about me you've yet to discover."

"I'm sure there is." He was looking me over like he was mentally undressing me.

My right hand reached forward and traced his smooth cheekbone. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. 'Here we go', I thought. My hand traveled involuntarily down his neck, along his shoulder, caressing the ever so smooth bicep of my younger self. Our hearts were beating loudly in our chests as we drew nearer. His other hand reached up under my sweater, and my shirt. My muscular belly goosebumped at his fiery touch. He grinned slightly.

"Wow. You've been taking care of me.", he said.

Between breaths I managed to say "Ten years of teaching yoga. But there's more."

His hand traveled around my waist. My caress on his left arm became a grip. Our breath synchronized. "I'm sure there's lots more", he said in a husky voice. The chemistry was approaching combustion in this dusty alcove. This shy boy was suddenly completely free, in touch with his seductive power. And he was turning it upon his older self. I was the one who had instigated this whole scandalous mission, and he was taking the initiative. He looked so lovely in his newfound confidence. But what about the ramifications of changing my past? A flicker of caution entered my mind. I had no memory of this happening to me. So how could it be happening?

"Jack, we're making a profound choice. It could change everything".

His hand spidered up my belly to my smooth chest. His eyes were wide and hungry. "Well then, maybe a change for the better."

And then our lips were upon each other. The world vanished around us. Fireworks danced behind my tightly shut eyes . Our tongues invaded each other. He tasted faintly of caramel and vanilla. Our hands played along each others' backs. I grabbed a handful of his hair, and tugged. He let out a small whimper. This only aroused me more. I opened my eyes and was looking right into me. How could this feel so perfect? The desire re-ignited and our mouths crushed together. I could feel his hardness against mine. Our hips started grinding and my kisses traveled down his jawline to his neck. His left leg wrapped around mine and we almost lost our balance! Then I twirled him around and pressed him up against a row of books. Delicious, unsavory thoughts swirled into my head.

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He pressed his pelvis into my backside. His arousal rocked and probed against my jeans. The heat and strength of my older "me" filled me with such swooning vulnerable pleasure, I arched my back and let out a heavy throated moan. His mouth was upon my nape, kissing and biting. His hand played down my back and squeezed my ass. Then his fingers reached around and found my belt buckle. I had never been so hard. My face pressed into a row of books. Henry Miller's "Tropic of Capricorn" swam into and out of focus on the spine of the nearest book as my older self undulated against me from behind. The dusty smell of old books mingled with the scent of our passion. I was melting in his arms. I was ready to surrender completely. And just as older Jack started to undo my zipper -- footsteps and voices approached on the stairwell!.

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My younger self vanished into the stacks. Several girls - Erica, Andrea and Tania, were busy chatting as they entered the seemingly empty top floor. They were laden with books, preparing to study for some big exam.. I was flushed and breathless, standing there like a deer in the headlights. They looked over at me with moderate surprise...

"My oh my, Jack, you look like you just ran twenty flights of stairs!" At this point I had to just assume they thought I was the younger me. So I went with it.

"Thirty flights actually. I'm practicing for the Empire State Building stairwell race" I joked.

They laughed. Tania looked at me knowingly. "So is this your private study? Is this where the mysterious Jack disappears off to during the busy day to write his masterpieces?"

"It's the best place to focus. No one ever comes up here."

"Ooooh" said Erica, "So you want us to leave you alone? In your ivory tower?"

I blushed. The bulge in my pants was still there. I grabbed a large book off a shelf and held it over my midsection. "No! My place is your place. Please stay, and have a drink."

Evidently my dry sense of humor was a dead match for my younger self. Tania Andrea and Erica all sat at the big wooden table in front of me and put their books down. They thought I was cute. I felt that old shyness start to return. Tania asked me about the random book I was using to cover my still rock hard self. I came up with a quick explanation... about my interest in Medieval Illuminated manuscripts (of which I knew nothing). "Well you could use a little company" Andrea said, her big brown eyes searching mine. I was playing myself flawlessly. They flirted. I made jokes. And all the while I wondered where "I" had gone.

I excused myself from the big desk of girls, to "bring my books over from the corner" so we could study together. Once I was free of them, I started wandering the stacks. My lovely Jack had vanished like the wind. I knew he was terrified of being discovered (those were my own memories) and I was concerned he has panicking now. We had opened up a rift in the time continuum. The narrow aisles of books revealed no Jack-in-hiding. But at the end of the darkest aisle, I saw his books! He had left them behind in his hasty departure. Oh where was he, my caramel and vanilla kiss?

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I was walking briskly through the chill air towards the coffee shop. My God! What just happened back there? I was completely captivated by this Jack, this older me, and my inner compass was spinning. Ghostly doubts and fears and uncertainties were evaporating. That shyness that always gripped me in the presence of flirtation -- it was no more. But I wanted no one else. He was the one. I was still swollen down below as I played out that kiss. That's when I almost collided directly with Elana.

"Jack! Woah that was close! We could have injured each other!" She smiled, Elana was this dark eyed Syrian girl. I had a huge crush on her last year, but she never gave me the time of day. I remember feeling infatuated, and frozen by shyness. Now I looked at Elana, and that was like a million years ago.

"Elana! Sorry. I'm a little lost in thought. You know how that goes."

"Yeah. Finals approaching. I'm swamped."

She had no idea! But Elana was looking at me funny.. Her mouth curled into a smile.

"Where'd you get that?" She pointed to the raised red oval on my neck. Her indifference to me had done a 180. I brought my finger up to it. Still sore.

"Nice hickey there Jack. Doesn't look more an hour old."

"Not even an hour", I said back with a slight grin.

"Well well... Who's the vampire?"

"You'd never guess."

"I didn't think you had it in you Jack. Honestly, you always came off as .... Asexual?

I blushed. "Me? No... Not really."

Elana brushed her finger against my hickey. "That's a doozie. So you're getting some action Jack!" Now she was interested in me, because I was "getting some" How ironic.

"Come on.... Who is she?"

"She?" was all I could blurt out.

"Oh. Is it a 'he'?" Elana raised her eyebrows. I felt a butterfly turn in my stomach. Now she was really intrigued. "Come on Jack. I promise I won't tell anyone." I was trying to make up a name, just to satisfy her curiosity. Then I decided to tell her the truth.

"I gave it to myself".

Elana laughed. "Don't bullshit me. Unless you have the most flexible neck on earth." She seemed to back down. "Okay Jack I don't mean to be so pushy. I'm just curious."

"I'm telling you Elana, you'd never guess."

She started up towards the library. She turned back, smiling. "Well you've got my imagination going. Whomever she is... or he is, they've got good taste!" And Elana turned and headed up the hill. Great! I pined for her a whole year and nothing. Now she admits that she liked me all along. Well, too bad. I've met someone else.

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I scrawled a note and left it in my younger self's book.

"Jack. Where are you? I promise I won't tell anyone. They all thought I was you... No bullshit. No one suspects a thing. You are safe. By the way, you are an amazing kisser. When will you be back at your room? Love, Me."

I left it, as a bookmark, right in the chapter on relativity. He would find it, I was sure. I zipped up his book bag, and left everything in place. I walked out the back stairs of the library. It was warming up outside. A quiet day. Several students were bravely wearing shorts and tossing a frisbee around in the snow. As if to coax spring into an early blossom. Where was he? Maybe I triggered a nervous breakdown. Maybe he was just mad at me. Or he was scared... and needed some space. God -- I was feeling all the symptoms of a new relationship -- insecurity, longing, warmth between my legs. But there was one missing link... if this was truly happening, I would remember it, right?. So what was going on? Maybe time folded upon itself like some M.C.Escher staircase, and the past was erasing itself from my memory with every new action I was taking. I was truly fucking with history!

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I would wait in the coffee shop for a while, then go back and get my books at the library. I couldn't let anyone see us both. I wanted to be with myself right now, and feel that warm strong passionate familiarity. He knew exactly what I liked. But I also had to avoid him, for fear of opening a Pandora's Box of scandal. Tugging my collar up over my hickey, I got a coffee and looked out the window. I couldn't help thinking 'I'm going to be a yoga teacher in the future'! I wanted to know more about my new 'boyfriend'.... We would have to arrange a rondez vous. But first, I had to retrieve my books out of the library. Those dusty stacks would never be the same.

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I was getting a little depressed. No sign of my younger self. And I was getting hungry. Having no I.D. and no money was becoming less of a novelty, and more of a creeping danger. Part of me wanted to get back into that warm shower and travel home, to the present. But was that "home" anymore? Had I already obliterated the future, and created a universe 20 years from now where I didn't even exist? I still didn't have a key to "my" room, and going to Security a second night in a row looked really suspicious and flaky. I didn't want to sully my 'boyfriend's' reputation. And so, hungry and depressed, I walked into the evening dark, headed for 'my' dorm.

I soft shoed down the stained dorm hallway carpet. The sounds of laughter and music behind all the closed doors made me feel even lonelier. I was quite possibly the loneliest guy in the universe. The man who fell out of time. All my friends and family were twenty years away. It might as well have been infinity.

There was something taped to the outside of my door. An envelope. Written on it was "Jack". It could have been a note for him. Or maybe he had written it for me.....! I ripped it down and opened it. My eyes poured over the words.

Hey older me ~ Where are you? I can't stop thinking about you. You've corrupted me. And I like it. But we can't be seen together. If you get this letter, know that I am aching for your touch. You know exactly where my sweet spots are, like no one else ever will. If you haven't vanished back to your dimension (sob), then meet me at my car in the dorm parking lot at 10:00pm. You know which one it is. Yours forever, Jack.

Younger me was a smart bastard. No one would have suspected he was leaving a love note to himself on his own door! It was around ten. My heart was beating hard and slow. I hadn't seen my baby blue '71 Ford Torino in over 20 years. I missed that car. It would be a classic now, if only I had taken better care of it.

I felt the crunch of gravel beneath my feet as I entered the dirt parking lot. It was like a museum to me: rows of 1970's and early 80's cars. Not a hybrid among them. But there was no '71 Torino either. I circled back, just in case I had missed it. No baby blue Ford. I stopped in the cold night and looked up at the stars. I didn't have a watch. Was I late? Did he forget? Did he get cold feet? My stomach was growling now. I hadn't eaten in almost 12 hours. My younger self had just stood me up! Self rejection.. the worst kind! And then I saw the headlights through the distant trees. They were headed my way. My heart quickened. The dark outline of the Torino emerged from the woods and turned into the parking lot.

He pulled up along side me. "Sorry I'm a little late. Last minute details" He grinned that mischievous grin. It was like a first date. I went around and got into the passenger seat along side me. And we drove of into the night. His hand traced my left forearm.

"We can't be seen together, for so many reasons. But once I touched you, and you weren't a phantom, or some figment of my imagination, I didn't want to lose you."

Our fingers interlaced. "I thought I had taken it too fast and scared you away. Forgive me for not slowing down."

Younger me smiled. "Jack. I'm full of feelings I never knew I had. I don't know where this is going, but we have to get away together. Even if just for one night."

We left the college. We crossed the river, and headed into the countryside. A full moon filled the sky above us. My fingers slid up his sleeve and cradled his bicep. He took in a deep sigh. This was my boyfriend. After all these years. And across the ages, we had found each other. We headed for points unknown. Well, Jack seemed to know where to take me.

Jesse'e Diner was open 24 hours. We found a booth in the corner. Jack ordered exactly what I remember me ordering... cheese omelet and chocolate milkshake. I ordered the same. He smiled.

"I see your diet hasn't changed. How have you managed to keep that lovely figure?"

I smiled at my younger self. "Oh you'll become a vegetarian, and take good care of yourself. But, on occasion, you'll indulge. In this case, I haven't eaten since breakfast. So don't lecture me."

We laughed and looked into each others' eyes. My hunger for a good meal was only surpassed by my hunger for him.

"I don't remember any of this though..." I said to my younger self.

"Maybe you blocked it out. It's all so taboo, your memory couldn't handle it."

He was wiser than his 19 years. Wiser, more confident and more imaginative than I ever remembered. The delicate latticework of time had irrevocably shifted. I was already changing my destiny, and with it, my personality. When he finished his milkshake, I took his hands. They were warm.

"Taking myself out on a hot date? How could I ever block that out?"

"You tell me."

"I've been on some bad dates. And I've made some big mistakes. All because I didn't believe in myself." My fingers tightened around his...

"As of tonight, you are going to grow up faster, you're going to discover yourself sooner. No more Jack the shrinking violet. Are you okay with that?"

"What's the alternative?"

"Letting your life be decided by rejection and doubt. You will be a late bloomer, if you bloom at all."

His lip curled ever so slightly. "What do you have in mind?"

He took my hand and placed my finger in his mouth, sucking off a little chocolate milkshake. I couldn't believe how warm and wonderful it felt. His gaze broke with me and his mouth released my finger. He looked over my shoulder politely, just as the waitress came with the check.