Second Chance?

It was a long number of years before I understood that the "more", was simply a massive cock. Seriously? How fucking pathetic to ruin a good marriage for that?

I'm a practical man, when the evidence points in a certain direction, the easiest explanation is usually correct, commonly known as Occam's Razor, after the 14th century philosopher, Willaim of Occam.

I accepted that she had never loved me or at the very least had fallen out of love with me. I didn't look forward to starting again, I had two children well up in years and I had no desire for another family.

I foresaw a lonely future, not for me the singles bars, the blind dates set up by well-meaning friends, no, I saw a self-contained future, unless something remarkable just fell into my lap.

My greatest wish was that I'd have custody of the children, they were of an age when the legal system took their wishes into account and they both expressed their wish to remain with me in our house.

Fate then played a part when she conceded to my and the children's wishes to stay in the marital home, then, distraught with having broken our family, she had a mental breakdown and the law determined that at that moment she was unfit mentally to look after our children, so I was awarded full custody and the usual arrangements would apply to the family home once the kids were out of it.

Our divorce proceeded slowly but surely, neither of us making demands that caused delays and overall, I have to say that I was a little surprised that Kate accepted the outcome without any fight.

She said that she owed it to me to fulfil my wishes given her affair but again I wondered if it indicated she had no wish to stay married to me, that her affair indicated what I suspected, that she never really loved me and was happy to move on.

It was sad to realise that our marriage had not been worth fighting for in her eyes.

Against that I saw the results of our break-up in her mental health issues, that showed a different tale but in my own loneliness without her, the feeling of being unloved took over my psyche and I quickly dismissed any lingering love for Kate.

My few friends suggested that, and a stiff upper lip approach was the best way for me to get through this emotionally, but it had been difficult. Quite simply, I missed my wife, my other half, the person I shared the joys and sorrows of life with, shared love with, all that now gone.

Chapter 6 - Kate

From the moment I returned home from that non-conference and was thrown out of our home by Geoff, I crashed mentally. I knew the consequences of discovery would be exactly what transpired, Geoff is a wonderful man, but he is a proud man too and nobody should ever doubt his resolve.

I was broken, for a while I was so bad that my father had me hospitalised under the treatment of a mental health expert and that led eventually to Geoff being given full custody of Mark and Amy. Apart from being a legal decision it was also the children's own decision.

As I mentally unravelled, I felt unloved, Geoff, Mark and Amy seemed happy to move on without me, none of them visited me in hospital, the children had not visited me before I'd entered here and I could only assume that given Geoff's promises not to keep them from me or turn them against me, that they simply didn't want me in their lives.

That sent my mind further down the rabbit hole.

The only visitor I had apart from my widowed father was Paul. He called to see how I was.

I discovered that Geoff had not made even the slightest approach to him, Paul's wife apparently remained unaware of our affair. I was amazed that Geoff hadn't attempted to hit back at Paul's marriage in revenge, then it occurred to me, he was once again looking out for me.

The man I had an affair with was my boss, not some friend or stranger, but the man who owned the company I was employed my.

I explained to Paul, "this is Geoff's way of making sure that I keep my job. I'd guess that if you fired me that our affair would quickly become something your wife would know about."

Paul nodded his understanding and assured me that my job was safe, and I just needed to get better and back to work.

A few weeks after the divorce, I had a surprise visitor, my son Mark came to see me. It had been several months now, and he had a curious expression, something between strong emotional pain and anger. I tried to hug him, but he cut me off.

"Why mum? I have so many questions, but why did you abandon our family, we were all so happy? Amy cries almost every day, she hates you, but she misses you so much. Dad...well Dad is walking around in a cold daze, it's as if his emotions have been put in a deep freeze, you might as well have shot him. He says that you never even fought for you marriage, never once tried to talk him out of divorce. Why did you lose your love for us? Why, answer that for me mum?"

I had not expected such news, nor such accusations. That I didn't care?

It was the reverse, I had accepted that nobody cared about me anymore. My daughter hated me but missed me just as much and yet she had not visited me. My husband, that wonderful loving man, had become detached and cold?

"Oh Mark, I was so stupid, I had an infatuation, it was wrong, so wrong. Your father discovered my affair, and I just knew he would never forgive me, he had my things packed and had your grandfather primed to pick me up, he threw me out of our house, and I knew it was forever."

"Fight against your father's wish to divorce me? It never occurred to me Mark. I'd hurt him so much; I could see it in his eyes that he despised me. I couldn't fight that look of hurt me had. I was ashamed of what I had done. I miss you all every day, my heart has broken but it's all my fault, I had no right to do anything but go along with your father's wishes. Don't you see that?"

"Mum, I understand what you have explained, but I think that if you had given him any sign that you didn't want a divorce, things might have been different. He thought you either never loved him in the first place or just lost any love for him, you just let him walk away and divorce you. He knows you are not well, but he thinks you just don't care about him or me and Amy."

I howled in pain that my family thought that about me, my heart was broken with the loss of the 3 people I love most in this world,

"Oh Mark, how could he believe that? My heart is breaking with the loss of you three, I can't cope with it, that's why they keep me here. And now I hear that it is my lack of love of wanting to fight for my family that has brought us all to this?"

"Mark if you still have a shred of love left for me, tell Amy that I love her and miss her, that living without her and you and your father is slowly killing me, that the only thing that would make my life worthwhile again is the love of my children, I can't expect it from your father but please let me be in your life and in Amy's if she will have me. I want to get better, to get out of here and make a new life with my children in it. I love you Mark, I never stop loving any of you, even when I was being dumb, I worshipped your father. I know it doesn't make sense what I did but that is true. I will always love him."

That was a cathartic moment for me, the sudden understanding of how my family had considered my quiet acquiescence to the divorce, shocked me. I did what I thought they expected that of me, thinking it my duty to make the separation easy for Geoff, instead, they thought I didn't care.

When had I become this idiot who was ruining the lives of everyone she loved?

I decided to become a functioning human again, and after Mark had hugged me and told me he loved me before leaving, I now had a reason to get better to get a life, to right the wrongs that were in my power to fix, to help my poor young daughter through her teenage years. Mark promised to try to bring Amy to see me.

Things began to improve, and I got out of hospital, off the meds and back to a functioning life. Returned to work. Started meeting with Mark and Amy regularly, sometimes together, often separately.

Reconnecting with Amy was easy in one way, she needed her mother, but she made it hard too. She called me a bitch and a homewrecking slut once or twice. It was hard to take but it was also true, so I sucked up her anger and fought through it to regain my daughter's trust and love. Mark had been much easier.

Geoff however remained a closed book to me, he seemed to have decided that shutting me out was the best way to deal with his grieving for our marriage. He was always nothing but polite, I understood that he was still exactly the man that made and kept his promises. He facilitated me and the children's meetings and encouraged those relationships.

He never gave me the slightest hint that he wanted anything to do with me beyond the contact necessary when people share children together. Neither did he give the impression of lingering hate, indifference best describes it. What people don't understand that indifference from someone you still love with all your heart is incredibly painful.

And oh, how I love Geoff, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, certainly in my case it did.

Chapter 7 - Three Years Later -- Kate

I've kept up good relationships with Mark and Amy, Mark is now at University, so I don't see as much of him, but he's pretty good at phoning me regularly to chat.

On one call Mark said, "You know dad hasn't even dated anyone else in the three years since your divorce?" I hadn't known that though a friend of our from our married years had said something similar to me a year back, but I'd no idea of the truth of it, neither had I allowed myself to believe that Geoff held any feelings for me, complete indifference appeared to have set in.

"Mark, believe it or not, I haven't dated anyone either. I stopped the affair the day we were discovered by your father. Since then, I've been out with friends and met some people but never followed anything through with a date. I can't, I still love your father, even if he barely speaks to me."

A week later I had a call from Geoff, "Kate, do you really think it's helpful for you to tell your son that you love me?" Before I had a chance to speak Geoff hung up.

The new normal of loneliness continued, for both of us.

Four years after our divorce I was asked to attend the second wedding of an old friend, Susan, she'd lost her first husband to cancer and after some years had now found a new man to share her life with. We had lost touch over the years, so she had not known that Geoff and I were divorced, and the invitation was for both of us.

I called a day later to see Amy and asked Geoff for a few minutes to discuss something. This was not a regular event, but he sat on the couch and asked me to continue. I told him that Susan was widowed but was now remarrying. Geoff smiled and said she was a lovely woman who deserved happiness in her life.

I handed him the invitation and a peculiar look came over his face as if the very thought of being with me was offensive to him. I took a leap of faith and said, "Geoff, once upon a time Susan was a dear friend to both of us, she has had a difficult few years, through Alan's death and now she has a chance of happiness. Couldn't we set out problems aside for one day to celebrate her new start with her. Of course, we can travel separately if you wish, different bedrooms, just to be there for her?"

Geoff thought about it but struggled to come to a decision, then said, "Let me think about it Kate, I would like to support her, but I hate the thought of inflicting myself on you for a day or more."

I looked back at him like he had grown a second head, "Geoff, I'd give my right arm to spend every day of my life with you. You don't get it but even when I was being an idiot, wanting more for my own stupid ego, I promise you, I never ever stopped loving you. I don't think I ever could stop loving you if I tried."

The second I'd finished speaking, I knew I'd made a mistake. Geoff looked shocked and shook his head and muttered, "Let's just forget it, I can't cope with this." He quickly retired to his bedroom, and I talked with Amy for an hour during which she quizzed me about what had just happened. I broke down and balled hard tears about how I'd told her father how much I loved him and that he had been incredibly uncomfortable and couldn't cope."

Amy smiled and said, "That's because he loves you too mum, but you hurt him bad, and I don't think he will ever get past his hurt. He has no interest in other women, but he is scared that you would just break his heart all over again. I'm 17 now and I do understand a lot more than when you divorced. It's not love mum, its trust, that is the problem."

Out of the mouths of babes and innocents, Amy had hit the nail on the head, I'd shattered Geoff's trust in me, I'd abused it and used it as my defence against ever being found to be a cheater.

A few days later I summoned the courage to ask him again about Susan's wedding. He said we could travel together; it was only 2-3 hours' drive but that we would have different rooms. "Kate I hope make no mistake about this, we are going to the wedding of an old friend, don't make it anything more than that in your mind, it is not a date."

And so few weeks later off we went to the wedding, on the drive we spoke about our memories of Susan and her poor deceased husband Alan who had been such good friends. The drive passed without any discomfort, and it looked like we would get through it unscathed.

In fact, the day was very enjoyable, quite often Geoff and I chatted just like in the old days before I caused all the problems. Occasionally something said in conversation disturbed Geoff, and I could see it in his eyes, he would be quiet for a while, but he kept recovering and started to show increasing resilience as the evening wore on, he even took me to the dance floor, and we had three dances.

At 10 pm he surprised me saying he needed to go to his hotel and that he would call me in the morning to arrange to pick me up. I pushed my luck and asked might we meet and have breakfast together. He didn't think too long before agreeing.

It had been a good day from my point of view, I'd had more from Geoff than in the last 4 years.

I didn't want to push my luck on the journey home, but I did chat constantly and got a reasonable response.

When he left me home, he told me that he had enjoyed the trip.¡ and I didn't want to miss the opportunity. "Geoff, I loved spending time with you. I know you will never forgive me, but I haven't dated since the divorce, when you have had the best man possible in your life it's hard to settle for anything else. I know I'm opening myself up to a world of sarcastic comments with that statement, given what I did to us, but do you think we might occasionally socialise as friends. Would friendship be something we can achieve?"

He looked dubious, but he refrained from anything hurtful, he thought seriously before he started. "Kate, you were the love of my life, but you betrayed me in the worst possible way, you threw me away for a better man."

"No Geoff, never better, there is no better man. He certainly wasn't a better man."

"Kate, something about him was better, that goes without saying, otherwise you wouldn't have fucked him so often."

I must have looked at him as if he had slapped me, certainly that is how his reaction made me feel. He looked a little apologetic, but only a little.

"Kate I didn't intend to say hurtful things to you, I just wanted to say that I enjoyed these two days but that I need time to think about friendship. One thing you must understand, It will never be anything more than friendship. I cannot open my heart to that sort of devastation again, I never will. Do you understand? If not even friendship is not in our future."

"Geoff, I am so sorry, I've said it so many times and meant it every single time. I would like you to understand that my heart is sore when I think of what I did to you. I can never undo that hurt but I completely understand your preconditions for friendship, and I will accept any role I can have in your life.

Geoff, anytime you feel the need to speak harshly to me as you just did, do it freely. Yes, it hurts me, but it is no more than I deserve for destroying our marriage. I'll go through fire for you if it brings you any comfort. Yes I've told both of our children that I love you and I always will, I told them that because it is true, I hope someday I will cause you less pain and if you ever need to send me away, I'll regretfully accept whatever you ask of me."

Most of this was spoken with deep emotion, I could feel that Geoff accepted it as my truth. I think he felt the words deeply, he quietly nodded as if accepting the validity of what I'd said.

He quietly told me he'd think about friendship as our way forward, he thought our children would definitely like it and that was as good a reason as any.

Whilst I didn't fully agree with that, I wasn't about to challenge it, these two days had been progress, I still hoped for more despite his warning that things would go no further.

Chapter 8 -- Another Year On

Most of a year past since Geoff and I had attended Susan's wedding, it had been a restart of sorts for Geoff and me.

A week afterward Geoff called me and said, yes the time we'd spent together had been good and that he could see no reason why we could not be friends. Our divorce was long behind us, we had been civil if pretty cold about the process, we hadn't tried to cause any more hurt than I already had done by my dumb affair.

My boss Paul had been an exemplary employer, after the affair, there was no attempt to prolong our affair, he took Geoff's plan to keep me employed as the price of him not revealing everything to Paul's wife. Paul & I behaved around each other as work mates should, he'd lost the attraction for me now, his wonderful cock now just something that had ruined my life, I no longer lusted after it.

So work was still good, I was good at my job, sales kept rolling in and the dust settled on that troubled past. I was now employed solely for my value as an employee, not as a playmate for the boss.

It was clear to Geoff that I had no romantic interest in anyone but him. I never tried to mask my love for him and indeed he became more comfortable with me expressing it, though he never returned the feeling, at least never in words, though occasionally he would do something to help me or just one of those touches that reminded me of when we were openly in love. I kept the faith that one day he might accept me back, warts and all, blemishes freely acknowledged and understood -- but I wasn't holding my breath and in fairness he never gave any hint that it might happen that way.

It was almost five years since our last celebration as a couple of our wedding anniversary that Geoff surprised me. He asked if I'd like to go to dinner and dancing on our anniversary date, he made no mention of it being our anniversary but clearly it was a date ingrained in each of our brains. I vaguely wondered if he had any planned surprise but didn't really expect it.

On the night we had a beautiful dinner, drank some wine and later moved on to the club attached to the hotel where a lively jazz band was keeping the dance floor well filled with patrons.

We danced often, fast, slow we both enjoyed it. Towards the end of the evening, we were slow dancing, it was very romantic then to my complete surprise I felt Geoff's cock harden against my belly. I was in seventh heaven wondering where this might lead.

When the song finished Geoff steered me back towards our table, though I'd have given anything to stay for the following slow dance. Geoff was a little red in the face and started to apologise. I cut him short and said it was the best thing to happen to me in the last 5 years and would he please take me back on the dance floor.