Second Chance?

Slightly reluctantly he did take me for more dances. It was getting late, and all of the remaining few dances were slow and romantic, he again got hard, and I pressed against him gently, not to overwhelm him and potentially drive him away, but to let him know that I was enjoying the contact and without saying as much, to let him know I wanted him.

When we got back to my apartment I asked Geoff if he would come in for a nightcap.

He looked at me a little sadly and said, "Kate, I've had a wonderful evening, really I have but I don't think coming in would be a good idea."

I was gutted, when we were slow dancing, I hoped he might take me to bed, but I was content to play the long game. This was another step forward so I just said, "As you wish Geoff, thank you, it was a wonderful night, I hope we can do dinner and dancing more often, good night my love."

Before he could react I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and hurried inside, both delighted and devastated at the same time. Wanting more but happy for anything my wonderful man was happy to give me.

We did indeed continue with dinner and dancing usually a minimum of once a month. We were becoming incredibly comfortable again with each other, and to keep my hopes up, he often had erections when we were dancing, but still, he would take if no further.

Five years of divorce came and went, friendship had grown and there was now a very clear "caring relationship" in terms of friendship, time spent together and even family time together when the kids could be pinned down.

I think the children were very clearly happy that their parents seemed to be working things out and that reconciling, in their eyes was at least possible. They even gave broad hints that we were now so good together again that we should live together and make life easy on ourselves.

Though nothing would have pleased me more, the fact is that Geoff showed no signs of buying into that idea and we had not yet become intimate, much to my disappointment.

That changed on our fifth night out of dinner and dancing, I'd taken a chance and when once again, Geoff's erection pressed between us, I said that I was very horny and would love if he would do more than rub it against me.

When the Uber arrived at my apartment I pleaded, "Please Geoff, please come inside." He did.

We had a wonderful reconnection, strange at first, after almost six years -- six months before the divorce and almost five and a half years since. We were nervous but so happy to be together in a bed again.

Still, wonderful as it was, both times, Geoff declined my invitation to sleep overnight. He kissed me on the top of the head and said, "Too soon Kate, but I loved tonight."

Months rolled by and we became more sexually active, no hesitancy but equally we were again stuck at this milepost along our journey, sex was good, but Geoff couldn't bring himself to sleep with me overnight, seldom could the words, "it was only sex" have been more accurate.

Neither had Geoff ever reciprocated when I told him I loved him, always something held him back. He couldn't say those three words. I felt it, felt it with utter certainty, he loved me, I was sure of it, but he would not say so.

I longed for complete intimacy, the truth was I wanted to be Geoff's wife again if he could allow himself to let me, but there was always something holding him back from committing fully to our new reality, to my dream future.

Our lives went on like this, to be sure it was fantastic compared to the first 4 or 5 years after the divorce but that was now almost 10 years behind us, we were getting into our late forties for me and very early fifties for Geoff, it was obvious that neither of us had the slightest interest in anyone else.

All things being equal, barring my fuck up more than 10 years ago, we'd already have been past our 25th wedding anniversary, instead we lived separately, owned different properties but in most ways behaved like man and wife.

Another year passed and I was reaching my 50th birthday. Geoff wondered how I would like to spend it and I said that I'd like to have a family dinner in a nice restaurant.

Geoff's mother and my father were still alive, Mark was a happy bachelor still, but Amy had married, she'd married a most beautiful young woman Claire, and yes initially it was a shock as we hadn't realised that she was gay, though she said they were actually both bisexual and were both happy to swing both ways. I guess when you break-up a family as I had done, somethings escape you and some confidences are not shared with you.

So, there were 7 of us for dinner and it was a beautiful meal, but I could scarcely enjoy it as I was incredibly nervous about what I had planned later after dessert.

When the time came, I tapped a spoon against my wine glass and said, "Thank you all for coming, you are the most important people in my life, having this time together is precious. However, one person here is the most precious person in the world to me, that's you Geoff., if you hadn't realised"

I smiled at him and in return got a slightly confused, wary look. I continued, "More than 10 years ago I did something that was unforgivable, Claire, everyone else knows, I assume that Amy has told you. That stupid affair cost me the love of the best man I've ever known -- and I'm really sorry Dad, but that includes you but only by a very little.

Over the last 10 years we have slowly got back some of our relationship, I've can honestly say that even through that stupid affair and afterwards I have never lost the love I've had for Geoff since the day we met. I feel it as strongly today as I ever have, I feel that love coming back to me, but Geoff has never put it into words since I betrayed him. I'm perhaps not worthy of it.

At fifty I've decided to take my future in my hands, Geoff, if you will have me, I'd like to marry you. I'm asking with no real understanding of what the answer will be, but I cannot live another day without finding out. I love you with all my heart Geoff, please marry me."

Oh dear, the look on Geoff's face did not look promising.

"Kate, I'm a man of my word, when we set out on our course to find friendship, I warned you that it would never be more than friendship, but then we reconnected on a more physical level, sorry if this is TMI but we are all adults here. The last year has been great I've not been as happy since the divorce, I have to be very honest and tell you I still struggle with the circumstances around our divorce.

Kate, I cannot marry you, I'm sorry, part of me longs to do it, but part of me cannot get over the betrayal. I may not have told you in so many words but here are two things you should hear. I forgave you several years ago, maybe I should have said but that is now in the past.

Secondly, you've felt it and you are right, I do love you, I find it hard to say but after tonight maybe I'll say it more easily.

The reason I cannot marry you is simple, I'm left with a trust issue, I wish I could get past that, but I can't, I trusted you completely and you used and abused my trust to carry on your affair. Do I think you would do it again? No, I really don't, but Kate, what you did damaged me severely, to this day thinking someone I'd given myself to so completely could abuse my trust scares the hell out of me.

I'm not sure what difference there would be if you cheated on me again if we remarried compared to if we live together, I just know that I cannot be comfortable with marriage. I can't take that gamble, much as I do want to be with you."

Kate looked devastated, she had clearly got things wrong and was going to talk but Geoff held his hand and stopped her.

He continued: "Kate, its not all bad news, I'm sorry I don't feel able to marry but I want to make a counteroffer, I love you and I'd be very happy to live with you, will you agree to live in sin with me until death us do part?"

Kate threw herself into Geoff's arms, crying too hard to speak but hugging him so tight and nodding affirmatively so no one was in any doubt. All around the table there were hugs and tears in equal measure.

EPILOGUE:

With no wedding to arrange, Kate simply moved back into the family home and her apartment was advertised for sale.

In the years that followed, the only regret either of them had was the years they lived apart.

For the next 25 years they lived happily together as people who used to be married, as old age brought it's concerns and health problems, Geoff and Kate each rewrote their wills so that the outcome would be as close as legally possible to what would happen should they be married.

Five years later, both still fit and well, Geoff finally relented. "Kate you are still beautiful, I'm sure you still turn heads, I'm ready to take a chance, will you marry me?"