Secret Sins Ch. 13

They were fooled by not only Donna, who'd influenced them into adopting me twenty years ago, but by me as well. No, I had no idea, but that didn't really matter, did it? If they'd known where I was born, they might have decided to adopt some other baby. Since having found out myself, I usually tried not to even think about it and, at the time, the reminder wasn't exactly easing my stomach cramps. It was like a person's worst nightmare come-

I came to a sudden, boob jouncing stop just before I ran into somebody. Raising my head with a jerk, I found myself looking at a tall indigenous man who'd introduced himself as Longfeather the previous week.

"Oh!" I stammered, broken out of my self-depreciating thoughts. "I- Sorry, I wasn't..."

"Are you alright, Lieutenant?" he asked, his eyes understandably taking a glance at my chest.

"Y-uh... yeah, I was just thinking... about something. How are you?"

He regarded me curiously, probably wondering if I was on something. In his late twenties, he was somewhat attractive, thin and probably involved in some gang or other judging by his 'gangsta' clothing and all the tattoos. However, he'd seemed nice enough when I met him the week before.

"I'm alright," he said, looking me up and down. "You have a different uniform today, Lieutenant Watts."

"Yeah, we, uh... we're modernizing," I stupidly said.

He thought this was amusing, and I couldn't help a sheepish grin as he smiled down the front of my blouse.

"Well, it looks good on you," he complimented. "Real good."

"Thank you, Longfeather."

"I can tell your nipples are hard."

" ... Oh..."

"Are you wearing a bra?"

"Kind of," I replied, starting to get horny. "Um, I'm sorry, I-I should get going..."

"Yeah, sure," he said as I stepped around him.

I was about to bid him a nervous farewell before I ended up asking him if I could suck his cock, but he spoke again before I could do either.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Huh? Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay," he replied with some doubt in his tone. "Y'know, some people here don't like you."

This surprised me. I'd been in the act of turning to go, but I stopped right up, turning to face him again. I struggled for something to say to this unexpected statement, but there was no need.

"It's mostly the elders. A lot of them are traditional, and some of us take what they say pretty seriously. I don't. I think all that stuff is just old superstition, and I like you alright, but some others..."

"But, why? (abomination) Why don't they like me?"

"They say you don't belong here."

"You mean in North Central? Because I'm Christian?"

"No. They don't mean the hood, and you being Christian has nothing to do with it."

"Then, why?"

"They say... they say you're unnatural."

I only blinked at him in reply, stunned at this, but well knowing what the elders were getting at with that.

"You shouldn't be walking around here. You should go home."

With that disturbing piece of advice, he turned and walked away, down the sidewalk in the direction he'd been going when I'd almost run into him.

I looked around myself, at the tree lined street I was on, the old cars at the curbs, the houses of those I was there to help and their dark windows. Nobody was about. It was quiet. The sun was out, but not quite making it through the thick, upper foliage of the trees, and I suddenly wondered how many indigenous peoples were staring at me, at the abomination in their midst.

I began walking again. Soon, I was walking quickly. I felt a little better when I reached Fifth Avenue, a secondary thoroughfare, but it seemed as though everyone who passed was staring at me. Of course, the way I was dressed was probably the reason but, at the time, I was too freaked out and paranoid to think of that. The only thing I could think of was the funny itch on my back where I irrationally expected a bullet to introduce itself at any moment.

Finally back at the Mission, I breathed a sigh of relief, leaning against the inside of the closed front door.

"Is that you, sweetie pie?" Donna called from the kitchen.

This brought a second sense of relief, albeit a disturbing one. It was relief at being back amongst my own kind. (abomination)

"Yes."

"You're early," she said, emerging from the kitchen with the kind of smile that only a monster could have, and only after consuming somebody's children. "Didn't expect you back for at least another hour."

"Where are Darren and Haley?" I asked, uncertainly moving into the front room.

"Upstairs, fucking. Why?"

I didn't answer, instead dropping into one of the chairs that Sumitra had been influenced into donating.

"Tara, what's wrong?"

I still didn't answer, only staring at the wall above the sofa.

"Tara..."

She came to my side, stooping over to look closer at me, searching for an answer to her question in my profile with concern in her features.

"Is it what we were talking about earlier?" she asked.

"I've lost... everything," I answered.

She didn't reply to this, and a moment later I went on.

"Three weeks ago, I was a totally different person. I had a career, I had faith in Jesus, I had... I had a purpose. I had a family. Now I have nothing. It's all gone. In only three short weeks, it's all gone. How did this happen? I don't understand how... How did I go from somebody who only wanted to help people because that's what the Lord commanded, to a drunken slut who takes advantage of people and doesn't give a shit about anything but getting off in the most perverted way she can think of? How did all this happen to me in just three fucking weeks?"

She took a seat in front of me, on the very coffee table where I held Janine Huba down so that her Pastor's wife could eat her pussy. Taking my hands in hers, she fixed me with a sympathetic smile before speaking to what I'd said.

"I know it must be confusing. This is yet another reason why I didn't want to reveal too much to you right away. This is what I meant when I said it would be bad for you, that you weren't ready. But, you're a very intelligent and perceptive young lady, not to mention persistent. I find it hard to resist you, especially since I want you to know everything so that we can move on with each other. I'm as impatient as you are. But... please don't think you have nothing. You have me. Nothing else matters."

"Donna, I love you. I do, and I love you in a way I've never loved anybody, but I wish I'd never met you. You've destroyed my life."

Incredibly, she only smiled at this. It was an understanding smile, and she kissed my hands before she answered to my horrible statement with, "I understand that you'd feel that way. I do. You're going through a transition, and this is part of it, the realization that things can never be the same for you because... because you're not people. You only thought you were, and now you're beginning to realize that you're not. You have no business helping people because they have nothing to do with you beyond the fact that they make up part of the existence that you move through. And Tara... had I left you alone, things would have been worse. Your porn addiction, the lingerie fetish... these things were only the start. And that thing in the basement would have been there, too. And sooner or later, it would have... without me, things would have gotten very bad for you. You would have lost your career, you would have lost your faith, you would have lost all that you were anyway, and so much more."

I let these words sink in while, from upstairs, the erotic sound of Haley's sexual ecstasy reached my ears.

"You can't resist this, sweetie pie, no more than you could have resisted puberty. It's going to happen whether you like it or not, but please know that I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you and, once things settle, you'll accept some things and the new life that comes with them. I told you before, you are not a part of the Salvation Army. They only hold a part in your life, and only for as long as you choose to allow them to. You are the important component here, not them, or anything else that you allow into your life."

"Donna... an old man, an Indian... he called me an abomination. An abomination!"

" ... Well... I'm sorry about that. Some of their elders, as they call them, they're... sensitive to us and what we are. But, sweetie pie, ask yourself: Who is he to say that? For God's sakes, when Europeans first came here, spreading out west on horseback, they thought the man and the horse were one animal until they saw one of them dismount. What in hell do they know about abominations?"

I closed my eyes, determined not to cry as Haley got louder and more desperate.

"And it doesn't matter what other people think anyway," she said. "I told you, you're not people. I know that might be hard to hear and even harder to accept but, now that you're this far, you have to start coming the rest of the way, and part of that progression is accepting that."

I opened my eyes, wiping a tear from the corner of one, then the other, saying, "I just... I thought I had it all, and... I don't know now... I don't know..."

"I understand," she said. You thought you had it all figured out, your entire life lined up in front of you, everything you worked so hard for, and it seems impossible that now, suddenly, it's not to be, that it's all about to be ripped cruelly from your hands just when you finally had it within your grasp. And it's hard to imagine that life will be something else, that it could be something else. And that's scary, isn't it?"

"Yeah, that about covers it," I said with a sniff.

"Well, that's life, sweetie pie. Unpredictable, uncaring and unfair. Even for me. You know, as a Christian, you're used to thinking of life as one big master plan with God at the helm. You have faith in Him, chalking up bad events as learning lessons that He's given you to prepare you for what He'll need of you in the future, giving thanks to Him for the good events... It's not like that. There are no good, or bad events, but only just events. Whether they're good or bad depends on your perspective, on how these events affect what you want and what's important to you, but once you re-examine what's important to you, those same events take on a new light. They become nothing more than the hand that turns the page and, at the end of the book, your life should be what you've made of it, not the outcome of a lifelong struggle against perceived bad events, and God, whatever that is, has nothing to do with it. Shit happens, as they say."

"Play the hand you're dealt?" I asked as Haley started shouting expletives.

"Yes, exactly. But know the true value of the cards you hold. Consider: The average human, from a very early age, is conditioned in today's schools to accept the world view of right and wrong, good and bad, what's important and what's not, what's acceptable and what's not. Then they grow up and pay a lot of money to go to some university where they're given a higher education, i.e., where they're told what and how to think. Truth has become a socially accepted norm, and those who think outside of that norm are now considered freaks. Insane idiots who need to be silenced, or at least ignored. Students who think for themselves, who have the nerve to turn down the Kool-Aid their professors are handing out, are ridiculed in front of their own class so that other students who may have had a glimmer of independent thought are frightened from expressing it, choosing instead to laugh at those who do have the nerve to think for themselves, laughing right along with the rest of the class rather than back them up, because they've all been taught a herd mentality from an early age. The so-called professors themselves are only victims of this same mind conditioning. So, these students graduate, go on to get married, have kids and, in turn, support and reinforce these things as they're taught to their own children in the same schools and in the same universities.

"So, now we have a society of sheeple, not individuals, who go along with whatever the fuck anybody who calls themselves authority says because, after a few generations of this, there's damned few individuals left around to ask how and why everybody's lost their fucking mind. No, everybody just obeys the illusion of authority. Government, church elders, the media, judges, police... Salvation Army Officers... whatever. People have been conditioned to think and act along with the masses, to become the masses, working their little lives away for televisions and the next year's Cadillac, driving themselves ever deeper into debt, never leaving the house without purchasing something before returning. They complain that the rat race never changes while voting in every election, keeping in power the very puppets of those who run and profit from said rat race, constantly chasing the almighty buck like it means something while barely keeping their heads above water. Like stupid dogs, determinedly chasing the big cars of wealth and fame that they'll never catch, but may get run over by, only to get up and feel privileged that they have their tire treads tattooed into their fucking faces.

"That's why I was very careful about who adopted you, Tara. While Christian, your parents have values that go beyond society, even beyond scripture and dogmatic belief systems. They do what they do because they honestly think its right, and they stand for it despite the consequences.

"And there they are, still happy and well respected by everyone in their community while paying the ongoing consequences in fucking Iqaluit. The Army couldn't beat them, and they never will because your parents don't care about rank, or personal status. The Salvation Army is powerless over them, and that's the real reason they want rid of them, and you. They fear them. Your parents are two of the very few humans who've learned what the important things in life are, and it's why you grew up so happy and well adjusted. They themselves know that the Army only holds a place in their lives, and only for as long as it serves them, and if you don't believe me, you just call them up and ask them. Sure, they're proud of you, but they don't give a fiddler's fuck if you're in that uniform or not. Like me, all they care about is whether or not you're happy.

"So, why do you care about losing your career and the life of servitude it held for you? Why are you so upset about losing your place in this so-called society? Do you really want to run with the rest of the mindless, ignorant dogs in the street, chasing the big, shiny car of socially accepted truth and success? Because that's what human society is. That's what humans do, and most of them aren't even willing to as much as listen to the things I've just told you. Even if they did, they'd choose not to believe it because they don't want to. They'd rather work the rest of their lives to pay off a stupid television so they can watch their stupid sports, thinking whoever wins the next cup is an important event. They'd rather remain slaves than have even a taste of real freedom. It's what they want because that's what they've been conditioned to want and to do, and that's what they'll help condition their own children to want and to do. I've seen the few who wake up; it usually starts when they stop watching television. Sometimes they even leave their wives or husbands because they don't get it. The television knows all, and those who dare to disagree with its politics are the ones who're seen as sick and deceived, and their only choice is to tie the ball and chain back to their own ankles and take their place back on the couch in front of the television, or to get out and live.

"I have real freedom, and Tara... you can have it too. You are so much more than the rest of them. Don't mourn what you've lost, celebrate the potential freedom that you've gained. That uniform you've always wanted, always doted on... sweetie pie, it's only a straightjacket for you."

She was right. Everything she'd said was right and, as Darren yelled over and over, his sister crying out in orgasm of her own, I smiled, tears running down my cheeks again as I leaned forward, taking my wise and beautiful girlfriend in my arms and hugging her close to me.

"It's okay, sweetie pie," she assured to my ear. "Don't worry. You'll be fine. We'll be fine. I'm here for you like I always have been, and I'll never, ever leave you."