Secret Smiles and Three Little Words Pt. 38

"Are you ok Father?" Alex asked as she watched him stare at the spot on the floor again.

"No," he said simply. "I won't ever be ok again." He looked to her and shook his head that he didn't want to go into it.

"Jack," Alex said touching his face gently. "This was not your fault."

"Yes it was," Jack said tearfully. "If I had been here..."

"Jack," Alex shook her head. "Livy would never have blamed you...Nora doesn't blame you. I don't either. I am happy that in her final moments she was with someone who cared about her!"

"Sorry Alex," Jack said standing up. "I wish forgiveness was that easy!" He began to walk towards the door to leave.

"Jack," Alex said not looking at him. "It was that mentality that killed Livy...don't do the same."

Jack stood holding the doorknob in his hand.

"You were so quick to forgive Livy," Alex pointed out turning to him. "Be as quick and easy to forgive yourself." Jack said nothing but left the sanctuary quietly.

Alex looked to the immaculately clean floor and wondered what he was looking for.

***

Gavin stood in the entryway of the condo. His eyes looking at everything. He began to wonder if his life was ever going to be the same. On the flight home, all he could think about was how his life was going to change now. Not just a little, but dramatically. He was still adjusting to having a woman in his life who was about to become his wife!

No longer looking at the woman on his arm as just a sub, or just a woman he was living with for a short period of time. This relationship had no definitive end, well it did. Until death do us part. This relationship wasn't like the others. It wasn't like Elizabeth or Regina before her. This one, had kidnapped his heart and he didn't want it back.

He adapted his mindset to accept the fact he was no longer going to be a bachelor, now he had to change it again. Now he was going to be married and become an instant parent. It wasn't something he had even thought about. Yes they had talked about her going off the birth control but he thought he would have had time to come to grips with children. Nine months at least!

Now, he looked around the condo and thought of all the things he had done in this place. The parties. The women. He let his head drop back and thought about it. He liked his lifestyle. He liked BDSM. How does one continue that with kids?

The phone in his pocket rang and he answered it without looking.

"I hear you are back in Chicago?" Madelyn's voice asked him.

"Yeah," Gavin nodded. "I had some surgeries scheduled."

"Are you ok?" she could hear the doubt in his voice.

"I'm just standing here looking at the condo," he told her.

"Something amiss?"

"No," he told her. "Just thinking how my life is changing."

"Doubts?" she asked.

"I guess so," he admitted embarrassedly.

"I would be surprised if you weren't having some doubts," Madelyn told him. "It would have told me you weren't thinking everything through."

"I liked my life," Gavin told her. "Is it horrible to say that?"

"No," she assured him. "But it doesn't have to end."

"How the hell can I have a Dom/sub relationship with a child in the condo?" Gavin asked her.

"I don't know," she admitted. "I never had to factor kids into the life."

"I've been a Dom so long, what if I can't do vanilla?" he asked himself more than her.

"You adapt," she answered. "You are such a good Dom that you adapted almost yearly, adapting for the sub!"

"That was different," he told her.

"No," she argued. "You adapted, that's all you have to do."

"What if I can't?"

"Then you will have to leave her," Madelyn said firmly.

"I can't do that either," he said softly.

"I thought you and Alex had talked about kids?" she asked him.

"We had," he agreed. "But I thought I would have had time to adjust. Time to come to grips with the realization...,"

"Realization?" Madelyn asked when he stopped talking.

"I'm not going to be the most important person in her life anymore," Gavin whispered.

"No," Madelyn agreed. "You won't."

"How does a Dom adjust to that?" Gavin asked her.

"I don't know," Madelyn said softly. "I don't know."

"I'm also going to have to violate another absolute," Gavin told her.

"Which one?"

"I'm going to have to share," he told her. "I'm going to have to share her."

The following morning he made his way down to the garage to start his drive back to Pennsylvania. He hadn't slept much and now he wondered if he should put it off another day and get some rest. He rejected the idea, knowing Alex was there by herself, and she needed him there.

Looking at the two cars parked in the private garage he stopped. Both were sports cars. Bucket seats, and very little room in the back. Built for single people, not for people with little kids in booster seats. Not families. Bringing the wave of disillusionment that his life that he loved was now changing and he couldn't stop it from happening.

"What the fuck are you going to do?" Gavin asked himself. The doubt clouding his mood. "Adapt." He said heading for Alex's Mercedes. "You are just going to have to adapt!"

***

Alex stood waiting for the elevator. They were taking her father for more tests and therapy. She was holding Nora's hand as they had decided to go out for lunch instead of eating hospital food again. Her smiled broadened as she saw him walking up.

"Uncle Gavin!" Nora shouted as she dropped Alex's hand and ran towards him. Gavin dropped to his knees and Nora engulfed him in her arms and he did the same with her. His eyes closing and his face losing some of its distress.

Alex watched it happen and wondered what he was worried about. Was it just the terrible stuff swirling around them or was there something more even more unfathomable? She watched his face melt and the smile come out. Nora kissed his cheek and he returned the love to her. Then looked up at Alex.

"Where are you two ladies headed?" he asked Nora.

"To get real food!" Nora whispered in his ear, which caused him to laugh.

"Not digging the hospital food?" he asked her.

"It doesn't have any taste!" Nora complained. Gavin nodded that he agreed. He stood up and Alex was still watching him very carefully, trying to ascertain what was on his mind. He shook his head at her as she was still easy for him to read.

"I'm fine," he told her taking her face and cupping it with his hand.

"Are you sure?" she asked him.

"Positive," he nodded. "Well...sorta positive. We'll find out in the next fifteen minutes." He said, his mischievous grin coming out.

"What does that mean?" Alex asked him.

"I'll explain over lunch," he told her taking her hand. Now he was flanked by Nora in one hand, Alex in the other.

He began to walk out and caught their reflection in the glass. They looked like a family. He stopped and Alex looked to him then to where his eyes were glued.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," he shrugged. "Adapting."

He continued his way out, with the girls on either side of him. He pulled the key out to the Mercedes and pushed the remote to unlock the doors.

"What the hell is that?" Alex asked stopping in her tracks.

"That," Gavin gave a half smile. "Is an adaptation."

They stood looking over the new Mercedes SUV. Alex closed her eyes, she should have recognized that little grin. It was the same one he had when he got her the other Mercedes.

"I didn't think we could both keep sports cars," Gavin shrugged. "Not much room for car seats."

"It's still a lease, right?" Alex asked he voice hardening. Gavin chuckled. "Shit!"

"I think we are beyond leases, right?" Gavin asked her. "I mean, the lease thing was only supposed to last two years anyway...and that was when I was looking at us as dating."

"Now that we are going to be married," Gavin shrugged. "I kind of figured that whole stance of buying your own car was gone."

"No," Alex said through gritted teeth. "It wasn't!"

"Really?" Gavin chuckled. "We are about to become husband and wife...sharing in all things. Love. Home. Money. Bills." He could see that line of reasoning was having no effect on the temper tantrum Alex was thinking of throwing.

"I mean really?" Gavin asked her deciding to change tact's. "Where are we going to put Nora? In the trunk of my Aston Martin? And while your old Mercedes said it had a back seat...you know for a fact it doesn't really have much...uh room?" Gavin flicked his eyebrows at her reminding her of the one attempt of having sex in it. They decided it was impossible and he wound up fucking her on the hood instead.

"I could have gone with a mini-van," Gavin pointed out.

"Oh God! No!" Alex said with a gasp. "I'll take the SUV!"

"Thought so," Gavin laughed as he opened the door and put Nora in the car seat he had already retrieved from the rental car. He held the keys up to her and she took it apprehensively.

"I'm not sure how I feel about this," Alex warned him.

"I'm not sure we have a choice," he said back. "We are both going to have to make some on the fly adjustments."

"Like?" she asked knowing he wasn't really talking about the new car.

"Our lifestyle," he told her.

"I'm sorry," Alex said shaking her head. "I hadn't even thought about it!"

"It's not something we have to address right now, but it will have to be addressed."

"Do you have ideas?" she asked.

"None," he told her with a shrug as he opened the driver's side car door. "But, sometimes life doesn't give you choices of when and where to adapt. Sometimes you have to adapt or fade away." Alex closed her eyes. She didn't like the concept of fading away.

***

They walked into Alex's childhood home. It seemed empty without her mother or father there. Gavin took the sleeping Nora up the stairs and Alex followed him slowly. Looking at the pictures that lined the staircase. She started to cry as she saw a picture of a smiling Livy, her front tooth missing in a school picture.

Gavin turned at the top of the stairs and looked back at her.

"First door on the left," Alex told him shaking her head and continuing on. Alex pulled the small girl's shoes off as Gavin made his way out.

Looking back at her Alex's heart began to break. Even though she was going to be with her from here on, Nora would have to someday come to grips with her mother's suicide. There would be sadness involved. There would be anger as well. There would be confusion. There may even be some guilt.

She found Gavin already in bed in her old room. She smiled at him from the doorway and began to take her clothes off. She slid into bed after putting on some sleep wear. Gavin pulled her deeply within his embrace and held her tightly. She wrapped her arms and her fingers around his and felt his body on hers from behind.

"What are we going to do with our lifestyle choice?" Alex asked him. She had been thinking about it ever since he brought it up. Could they continue it?

"I don't know," he admitted. "Not the most pressing problem we have, so it will keep."

"What's the most pressing problem?" she asked him. "The wedding?"

"No, that's been postponed," he told her. She spun on him.

"What?" the panic ripping through her as she thought about the negatives that statement had.

"Easy!" he commanded as he realized where she leapt to. "I put it on hold because your dad is in no condition to walk you down the aisle!"

"But...," she began but couldn't get the question out.

"I'm not letting you off that easy!" Gavin teased. "You are still stuck with becoming my wife!" She smiled as her breathing came back as she was sure she hadn't taken a breath since her mind leapt to conclusions that he was backing out of marrying her.

She returned to his embrace.

"We will do the wedding when Al is strong enough to fulfill his fatherly duties," Gavin assured her with a kiss to the back of her head.

"Just as long as you aren't changing your mind," she said cautiously.

"Never," he told her.

It was just one word, but it was the way he said the word. The conviction in it. Like what she believed the men at the Alamo had told Santa Anna when they were told to surrender. The word leaving no doubt at the ending.

"Our lives are going to change...aren't they?" she asked him.

"Yes," he whispered. "For the better."

She smiled and sleep came to her quickly. The exhaustion of the emotions taking its toll. The relief of him holding her. The relief of the knowledge through all of this, he was still there, holding her hand.

She thought back to the hospital, when he stopped and looked at something she couldn't see. Then in her mind's eyes she saw it. He was not only holding her hand. He was holding Nora's. That's what had stopped him.

***

Jack opened the door to the rectory and the smell overpowered him. He furrowed his brow and made his way to the kitchen to see who was cooking. Walking in, his feet cemented to the floor of the doorway.

"Hey honey," the woman smiled at him. "Dinner will be done in a few!" She went back to cooking, the smell making his mouth water.

"What are you doing?" he asked her, the smile crossing his face.

"Making dinner," she replied. "Duh!"

"No," he smiled as her chastising. "What are you doing here?"

"Where else would I be?" she asked him setting a plate down on the table for him. "C'mon, I know you're hungry. You haven't eaten in days!"

"I haven't been hungry," he told her dragging his feet to the table.

"Well," she shrugged. "I hope you're hungry now, because I made tons!"

"Well, the poker boys will be happy then, until you take their money again," he said to her as he sat down. He didn't pick up the fork and dig in like his stomach wanted to. He stared at his food and then lifted his head to look at her.

"Oh my!" he gasped. She had undone the buttons on her shirt and had slipped it off. "I can't." He told her immediately.

"Yes you can," she smiled taking off her bra and revealing herself to him. He turned his eyes away.

"Please," he whispered. "Get dressed!"

She picked up his hand and put in on her breast. The soft warm feel of it filled his hand and he gasped softly.

"Do you like that?" she asked him. He could only nod. She picked up his other hand and put it on her other breast. "Feel me Jack, squeeze me, I know you want to!" She reached to his lap and felt him and found him hard.

"This is...I can't," he whispered still not looking at her, but not pulling his hands away for her body.

"It's ok," she whispered. "I won't tell anyone!"

"I will know!" he told her firmly as she pulled his zipper down. "Please don't!"

"You lips say one thing, your cock says another!" she told him dropping to her knees and taking his hardness into her warm mouth causing him to whimper slightly.

He looked down and saw the dark hair bobbing gently on him. His cock disappearing then reappearing from her mouth. Her saliva glistening on it making it shiny in the kitchen light. His hand came to rest on the back of her head, not pulling her off, but helping her along. She sped up as he leaned back and let her continue. Something he knew he shouldn't allow. But God had failed him, maybe he wasn't meant to wear the collar anymore. Maybe this was the last straw.

The wet, warm feel of her mouth made his legs shake as his mind fought within itself. The guilt of letting this poor girl go down on him, damning them both! His hips began to rock upward, how long had it been? Since before seminary. Ten years? Fifteen years now? That was the last time he let a woman touch him with sexual desire.

The girl was drunk, a college girl from a nearby state school. This woman wasn't her. He truly cared about this woman. He scoffed at himself, if he cared about her he would stop her and keep her from damning her soul...and his. Still, his hands weren't stopping her, they were helping her. Her soft moans telling him she wanted this, and her aggressiveness telling him she had wanted it for a long time.

His toes began to point as his orgasm began to build. His legs tight and shaking now as she brought her hand up and began to tug on his hard cock. Holding just the head in her mouth as she stroked.

"You need to stop!" he begged. "This is wrong!"

She giggled in response as she truly knew he didn't want her to stop, if he did, he wouldn't be pressing on her head.

He erupted into her mouth causing him to call out in a growl as his long unattended cock bucked with great force, a buildup of cum over the years it seemed. Exploding and filling her mouth with his salty seed. Lightning bolt, after lightning bolt shot through his body with each ejaculation into her mouth. He seemed to cum forever, his breathing ragged as he fell back against the seat back as she slowly ran her tongue around the head of his cock, cleaning him off.

He looked down at her, knowing he could never return to the collar now. She looked up at him. Her eyes satisfied as she reached for the glass on the table and took a drink to wash him down.

Jack awoke with a start, his breathing rapid and short. His shirt wet with perspiration. He felt himself through his pajama and found himself rock hard, a slight wetness surrounding the tip of his cock in his pajama bottoms.

"Please Lord," he whispered. "Forgive me!" He said a short prayer as his breath became normal again. He rolled over and saw her.

"Livy," he whispered as she sat in the chair in his bedroom.

"That was a completely inappropriate dream," she told him. Her hands resting on the arms of the chair in which she sat.

"Why are you haunting my dreams?" he asked her.

"Is that what I was doing?" she smiled. "Haunting you?"

Jack sat up in bed and looked to the empty chair.

***