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I took Jim's advice and called Ray Sampson and got the ball rolling. It was the toughest call of my life.
When I got home, I asked Janet if anything interesting happened at work. She responded that it had been hectic since everyone was getting ready for the conference. She didn't mention her "lunch date."
She didn't mention it on the way to or from the prayer meeting either. When bedtime came, she still hadn't mentioned it. I'd given her plenty of time to come clean. I finally told her that I had wanted to have lunch with her. I mentioned that I had called, but Beverly said she had taken an early lunch.
"Oh, yes. Beverly told me you called. I tried to return your call, but you were out of the office. I completely forgot about it. Sorry that I missed your call and the opportunity for us to have lunch together. It's been a long time since we've done that." She explained that she had lunch with a colleague.
"Oh, how did that go?"
"It was fine."
"Beverly said you went to the Hilton. Pretty fancy place. Must have been quite a lunch."
"It was nice, but not something I would want to do every day. The food is a little too rich for my taste. My colleague suggested going there."
"So, who was the colleague?"
"An army captain. We will be making a joint presentation at the conference. I think of him as a colleague in that effort."
"So, I suppose the colleague is a handsome young man."
She assumed that I was teasing her.
"He was an absolute hunk," she said with a playful grin and wink.
"So, probably about the same age as Randy?"
"Well, younger than me, but not young enough to be my son, you silly man."
She was still in teasing mode until she noticed that I was not smiling anymore. She could see that I was as serious as a heart attack.
She looked a little perplexed. She was probably wondering if I actually knew something or had just made a lucky guess.
I asked her if she thought that a "lunch date" with him was appropriate. She looked puzzled as she insisted that it was all work-related and was entirely appropriate.
Then I asked her how appropriate it was for her to eat some dessert from his fork; and how about her feeding him dessert from her fork?
At that point, she realized that I must have seen them. She said that the dessert sharing had made her uncomfortable, but she didn't want to seem aloof or unappreciative. Still, she looked both surprised and guilty. She recovered and asked why I hadn't joined them. I reminded her that they were at a table for two in a very crowded restaurant and that they were already on dessert.
I told her that I had waited by the door to talk to her and meet her companion when they left the restaurant. That was foiled when they left by the back door. She seemed flustered and said she was sorry that we hadn't been able to get together. She knew that I was unhappy.
What she didn't know (and I didn't tell her) was that I'd kept my iPhone busy. I had a half-dozen pictures of her "date" antics. In my opinion, it was more than a work-related discussion over lunch.
I finally suggested that they should do their work at the office on company time instead of at a fancy restaurant on her off-duty time. She said it would be rude to turn down a lunch invitation from someone she was working with on a conference presentation. She went so far as to suggest that her job could be at stake if she didn't cooperate with this captain. Nothing she said seemed on the up and up to me. Now, I'm glad that I hired a PI.
JANET:
I walk over and ask him if he has been able to secure the Hilton conference room for our testing. He says that he has, but it will be at 3 pm on Friday. I'm disappointed that it won't be today.
Steve reminds me of our lunch date today. I wish he hadn't called it a date. I hate keeping things from Brad, but I realize that I'd better hide time spent with Steve from my husband. That might be a bad solution, but I couldn't come up with a better one. My lunch with Steve yesterday had bothered Brad. I didn't expect such a reaction from him. On the other hand, my feelings about Steve are bothering me. I didn't expect such a reaction from myself either!
The lunch is fantastic, just like yesterday, and I enjoy the company, just like yesterday. We concentrate on our upcoming joint presentation and I feel more confident about it after our discussion.
While we were having coffee after our meal, a young couple came by to say hello to Steve. He introduced them to me as Jack and Jill Brown.
I could hardly keep from laughing. Jack and Jill! I'll bet they get lots of comments on that. They're probably tired of hearing those comments. They don't get a comment from me.
Steve invited them to sit down. When they accepted his invitation, I moved over to Steve's side of the booth so Jack and Jill could sit together.
During our conversation, Jack asked, "So, are you two 'an item'?"
Steve took my hand in his and showed them my rings. "Do you see these rings? They are a barrier that I will not cross. If they were not there, however, it would be a different story."
I'm sure that I blushed a little as I explained that we were giving a joint presentation at the conference and that we were just "work-buddies."
Jill gave me a "yeah, right" look. Jack said that he is looking forward to our presentation.
I was over an hour late getting back to work, but I enjoyed the lunch and the conversation. Steve was the very epitome of "an officer and a gentleman." I wonder if things would have been different if Jack and Jill hadn't joined us.
After lunch, I spent some time at my desk in self-analysis. There's no doubt that Brad is my soulmate. He's everything that a woman could want in a husband. I'm certainly not falling out of love with him.
Am I falling into lust with Steve? If not, then what's this feeling that I have? Am I losing my mind?
This is "date night" and I need to perform with my husband. I will do that tonight, even if it requires me to do some award-winning acting.
Other wives fake orgasms and I can too. There is only one thing that I know I can't fake.
On the way home, I stop at a drug store and buy some lubricant. I have never had to use it before. I'm overwhelmed by the number of available products.
I settle on one called "Lube Tube." It has a built-in applicator. It advertises, "just insert and squeeze." It says there is no perfume odor. It has a "natural sex smell," whatever that means.
The package also states that Lube Tube will "fit nicely in a purse"; and that seals the deal for me.
What am I thinking? Why is "fitting in a purse" a consideration for me?
I'm buying it for Brad, right? There's no requirement for it to fit in my purse.
I'm ashamed of myself. For the first time, it crosses my mind that perhaps I don't deserve Brad. Tears flow as I leave the drug store parking lot.
When I get home, I stash the lubricant behind some towels in the bathroom, not in my purse.
A few hours later, I find myself "inserting and squeezing" per the instructions. The product is very thick, white, and sticky. It looks like semen. It also seems to cause a warming sensation. This may be a big mistake.
As I slip into bed beside Brad, my mind whispers to my body to "break a leg."
I am perfectly dressed for my role, thanks to Victoria's Secret.
Next, I need to make sure that Brad is not still concerned about Steve.
"Honey, I love you with all of my heart. I love you and only you. I'm your wife and you can trust me the same way that I trust you. I will never do this with anyone but you. I promise, never!"
When Brad begins his foreplay, I remember how the lubricant causes a warming sensation. If Brad feels that, he'll know something is amiss. Not knowing what to do, on the spur of the moment, I ask him if he would use a condom. I should have activated my brain before activating my mouth. That request lights Brad's fuse. He's close to blowing up. "Use a condom! Are you crazy? Why would I do that? Why would you want me to? What's wrong with you? I don't even have any condoms!"
Oh, boy. That was a mistake. I need to smooth it over. "Ok, honey. I just thought that since we haven't used one in a long time, it might be something different for us"
Good grief, that didn't smooth anything! I need to extricate myself from this fiasco as fast as possible. Accordingly, I say," No big deal. It was just an idea. Forget it, honey."
Brad seems to be mollified. He gets back to some serious foreplay. I'm glad that he's too horny to question my explanation any further.
Then he makes me worry again when he says, "Good grief, Jan, you must have been missing this more than I thought. I've never seen you like this!"
Crap, I think he knows there's something different. I return to my acting script and tell him that I am ready and want him right now. Just after he starts, he stops. He wipes his penis on a towel. I hope he isn't feeling the heat from the lubricant. I'm afraid that's why he stopped. I hope he just thinks that I'm more excited than usual. I'm relieved when he resumes where he left off.
The kissing is good and I enjoy it immensely. I love the touching and the words that Brad whispers to me. As for the rest, I put on quite a performance. I force my body to react. I'm having to fake things that used to come naturally. I make sure that my breathing gets deeper and quicker until it's more like gasping than breathing. I moan. I shake. "Yes, Yes, Oh baby, YES!"
Where's my Academy Award? I'm so good. Brad's so happy. I especially enjoy the afterglow when Brad just holds me and strokes my hair. This has always been my favorite part of lovemaking, even when, unlike tonight, I have experienced fantastic orgasms.
Love has always meant more to me than sex, but I know that sex is important to Brad. I'm aware that his male ego can be seriously damaged if he fails to perform or feels that he hasn't satisfied me. I can't let Brad find out that I've been relegated to faking my orgasm. Especially since it's not his fault, it's mine.
As always, after a while, the afterglow is over and I retreat within my worried thoughts. At first, I'm as proud as if I were the star of a Broadway play. Later, just like last time, I start to face reality. While the love has been real and the afterglow has been great, the physical stuff has all been false. I've faked an orgasm for the first time in my marriage. I've used lube for the first time too. These are "firsts" that make me feel ashamed. I have no right to be proud of my play-acting.
Once again, I have deceived the only man that I truly love. The man that loves me without reservation. The man that I may no longer deserve. The man that I will lose if I continue on this path. This is so unfair to Brad. I know what I have to do. I have a plan. I will put it into action tomorrow.
BRAD:
Janet handles our meals on Monday and Wednesday. I handle them on Tuesday and Thursday. On the weekends, our kids are home from college and we usually have at least some meals at our favorite restaurants.
Tonight, the meal is my duty. Janet is about a half-hour late getting home tonight. Since I'm preparing our meal, I completely forget that I should try to kiss her, per Jim's advice. She doesn't shower or wash her clothes, so I guess there's nothing amiss. A half-hour late is probably not significant anyway.
It's "date night" again and I'm anxious to see if things are better. When I begin my moves, everything is great. She is responding like normal. If anything, she is showing more passion than usual.
Things are going well until, during the foreplay, I find that she is wetter than rain. It's like she just came out of the ocean. I think that whatever was wrong is right tonight.
Then, out of the blue, she asks me if I would mind using a condom. She wants me to use a condom? Now my suspicion detector is in high gear. I let her know in no uncertain terms that I'm not about to use a condom. Not only that, I don't have even one lonely condom to my name. Why would I?
She says she just thought it would add some variety and spice to our sex-life. I tell her that I'm not interested in that kind of variety or spice. I let her know that I hate that idea. Maybe it was a slip of the tongue. Maybe her lover uses one of those ribbed condoms that are supposed to give extra pleasure.
She immediately apologizes. I have more immediate goals right now, so I quit thinking about that and continue with some very hot foreplay.
She's responding majorly tonight. She's hotter than a firecracker. It's so good! She begins to moan "Brad, I'm ready. Honey, I'm ready. Take me. Take me right now." That's exactly what I do.
Wow, she is like a freshly-greased slide. She's never been like this before. Her pussy is red hot. I can feel the heat! She's so slick and wet, that I stop momentarily and wipe myself on a towel.
That doesn't seem to make much difference. She's still slicker than a banana peeling and hotter than a jalapeno. I stop thinking about it and just enjoy it. This is different than ever before. My god, where has this woman been? I'm not complaining, believe me, but I begin to wonder where this behavior came from. Has she learned this from her lover? Is she pretending that I'm him?
I have a fantastic orgasm but she has one like never before. I've had lots of sex with this woman, but even our marriage night wasn't like this.
As we lay together enjoying the afterglow, I happen to look at the towel I had used to wipe myself. It's covered in white goo. I wasn't born yesterday. It was more than her natural juices. I know what that stuff is. I know what semen looks like. Worst of all, it came out of her "bank" before I'd made a deposit! In other words, "It ain't mine, pal." Now, I understand why she was so passionate and slick. It probably had very little to do with me and everything to do with her captain.
I try to act naturally and tell her how great it was, but I know that I'm in trouble. I can't believe that she's doing something like this to us. There are only two reasons that I can think of that she would want me to use a condom. One is to protect me from a possible STD. The other one is so I wouldn't realize that she was already full of his semen. Well, the only question left in my mind is if I'm going to experience an STD.
I remember that this is one of the really bad signs on Jim's list. It means that she didn't even make an effort to clean herself before having sex with me. She must like retaining his essence inside. She had relied on getting me to use a condom. I'm way beyond upset.
Tomorrow, I'll have to call my PI and let him know that I have seen yet another sign. Things are not looking good.
JANET:
I still feel down as I drag myself out of bed, but I dress quickly and hurry downstairs to make a special breakfast for Brad.
I know that there is nothing that I can do to compensate for last night, but I need to try. Perhaps this one little thing will ease my conscience slightly.
Brad became a big fan of SOS when he was in the army. No one else in the family likes it, so I don't make it very often.
His face lights up when he sees his chipped-beef-on-toast treat. I get a big kiss. It doesn't, however, assuage my guilt.
Before he leaves for work, Brad tells me how happy he is this morning to have a loving wife like me.
After he closes the door, I allow myself to shed a few more tears.
When I hear his car pull out of the driveway, I place a call to work and tell Beverly that I will be late this morning. I assure her that I will be there in time to participate in our testing at the Hilton. She says that she'll deliver my message to Harry and also to Steve.
I get another cup of coffee and sit in my chair staring out the front window. I'm watching the clock too. I'm waiting for it to reach 8:30 am.
At 8:30, it's time to start putting my plan into action. I pick up my phone and hit speed dial #5.
"Good morning, Dr. Victoria Jefferson's office. How may I help you?"
"Hi, Betty, this is Jan. Is there a chance that I can talk to Vic before she starts seeing patients?"
"Hi, Jan. She's in her office. Let me ring for you. Hold on."
"Hi, Jan. What's up girl?"
It is so good to hear Vic's voice. Together, we've shared a lot of life's experiences. I hope she won't be too disappointed in me.
I'm determined not to lose control. "Oh, Vic. I'm in a real mess. I've been feeling bad all month. I've fouled up everything. I haven't been a good wife to Brad or a good mother to my children.
I've become infatuated with a younger man at work. I think of him all the time. For some reason, I'm not attracted to Brad anymore. I've resorted to faking nearly everything during sex. I feel lower than a worm.
"Also, I haven't had any energy all month and I've lost all my enthusiasm for life. Vic, I'm a train wreck!"
Now, despite my best efforts, I'm completely out of control.
"Jan, calm down. We can figure this out. When can you come in to see me?"
"When are you available?"
"Can you come in now?"
"Oh, Vic, I don't want to mess up your day. You don't need to see me today. I know you're busy. This isn't an emergency. I'm not dying or anything. It just feels like I am. Can't you just call in a prescription or something?"
"Don't be silly, Jan. I'll be seeing you not only as a patient but as my Bestie. I haven't seen you in a while and I miss you. Just come on in and we'll get to the bottom of this problem. Don't you worry gal; we'll fix it. You and I together, just like always. Come in now, Jan. If you don't, I'll worry about you until you do.
"Thanks, Vic. You're the best. What would I do without you? I feel better already. I'm on my way."
"Good deal. You don't need to check-in. Just come on back to my office. See you soon."
As I drive to Victoria's office, I fight back tears. Vic and I have weathered some big storms together, but I have never before been quite this unsettled. I've never been this ashamed of myself. When I walk into the office, Betty greets me and says that she'll tell Victoria that I've arrived.
"Just go on back to her office. She's expecting you and will meet you there shortly."
As I sit here waiting on Victoria, my memory begins to fill with images from the past. I see us meeting for the first time in grade school. I see us as roomies in college.
I see myself comforting her that night when she had decided that she couldn't make it through medical school. She was ready to quit. We spent all night in the Campus Coffee Shop just talking.
The guy that she thought was her soulmate, had found someone else. She was heartbroken and had lost her confidence as well as her will to go on.
During that all-night conversation, I'd been able to convince her that it was not the end of the world. Somehow, I was able to persuade her to give it one more semester. To this day, she credits me with saving her medical career.
Next, I see her comforting me when I lost my father. She was by my side when I held his hand as he lost his battle with cancer. Then, I see that horrible night just a few years ago when I was by her side as she said goodbye to her husband of 18 years. A drunk driver had caused an accident that took her one true love away from her forever. I was there holding her as she suffered pain beyond description.
The door opens, and there's Victoria, running to hug me. "Jan, it's so good to see you."
"Thanks for seeing me, Vic. I'm so sorry to be bothering you."
