Selective Amnesia

I saw her almost the moment I had entered the club. It didn't matter the smoke or the crowd, I saw Cindy's hair and knew it had to be her. It wasn't really that I knew her so well as to be able to pick her out of a crowd but there were so many times when I knew for sure that I wouldn't be able to open up facebook on my phone while I was at work because if I did there would be her with that stupid hairdo being party girl extraordinaire in various states of undress. I actually seriously contemplated deleting my facebook account or at the very least not having it on my phone and only checking it on computer.

My plan for that night had been to pick up women. Well, I suppose plural would be wrong as I had no intention or delusion that I would be able to pick up more than one woman on the same night. I actually expected to strike out and was already emotionally prepared to be rejected by every woman I met. This night wasn't about success, it was more about just announcing to myself that I had done my duty and waited a proper amount of time before moving on. I had been the one to break up with my previous girlfriend, Jill, and out of respect for her and her feelings I hadn't put myself back out there. Well, it was time and it didn't even matter if I went home alone. Tonight was just about having fun, meeting up with friends, and getting back to being myself with no restrictions.

But like I said, I saw Cindy there. Almost automatically I rolled my eyes. I mean, I knew almost nothing about her and I assumed she was different in private than the idiot caricature of herself she played on social media. I kept my distance as I circled the room around her and got a better angle to view her way. Perhaps she wouldn't notice me and I could just leave and not tell her that I had been there. There were emotions there that were confusing.

I looked away and decided to just focus on doing what I was supposed to be doing and not worry about her. If she happened to notice me and come talk to me (which would be a first) then that would be that and I could play it cool. There was no reason to dislike her or have any hard feeling towards her. So what if she ... Emotions. They suck.

I got a beer and went over to play pool with my friend Teddy. He assumed I was still in a funk over Jill so I let him think that. While he was saying something to try and cheer me up I ran the table on him. That shut him up and got him to focus on the game instead of whatever he thought was going through my head. We racked up again and while Teddy took his turn to break I heard a cheer erupt over the music from the gaggle of college girls on the other end of the place. Did I want to go see what retarded thing Cindy had done was? No. No, I did not.

Teddy was trying really hard to replicate my previous performance when I felt a hand come to my shoulder.

"I've got the winner." Jill's voice said.

When I knew it was her I actually started to laugh a bit.

"And that is not an excuse to throw the game." she added as she came to my front. As she said it Teddy missed his shot and it was my turn. Teddy already had half his stripes down and I had to start at the beginning. But it didn't matter. I usually avoided showing off like this but I could just as easily run the table at that point as at any.

Teddy laughed as I coldly and mechanically sank all my balls without giving him another turn. I called three banks on the eight ball just to show off a bit. I struck white and then turned my back to the table as the balls did exactly what I planned behind my back.

"Man, you're the only one who can turn a two player game of pool into solitaire." Teddy said.

"There are some other two player activities he also turns into solitaire sometimes." Jill added.

"If you want to play, rack them up." I responded.

"On second thought, I changed my mind." Jill said. "But I am glad you're back from the dead."

"Don't be silly. I'm not nearly good enough at anything for God to want to take me from this world."

Jill probably had meant to walk away but perhaps in that moment she'd heard me hint at similar ideas in the past and after our break up something in her mind finally wanted to pull on that thread. "You do know natural selection takes out the losers not the winner, right?"

"Then explain Whitney Houston." I countered. "When God needed a singer he decided to deprive us of her voice and left us can't-sing-worth-a-damn Madonna."

"What? There are a lot of good singers out there."

"Cliff Burton."

"Who?"

"Mozart. It's clearly a pattern. Why doesn't anyone else see it?"

"Then what about Beethoven?"

"56."

"Older than most people back then."

"Ada Lovelace. Henry Moseley. Evariste Galois. Jimi Hendrix. Robert Howard. John Toole."

"What about Frank Sinatra? You act like you're a metalhead but I know you secretly love him."

"And any Joe every man on the street can sing just like him. Just as good, hitting all the same notes. He wasn't special. Amy Winehouse was special but she's gone and we're left with the goo goo gaga lady who can't do a fucking thing but bark like a dog."

She looked at me like I was crazy. After swallowing her eyes went wide and she look away. She left me there and I let her go. I looked back at the table to have another game but now I was by myself. I shrugged. I had played pool alone many times, too many to count or remember. I could rack the ball and run the course without missing a shot even with a blindfold on. There was no challenge to the game for me. I heard another 'whoo-hoo' from the crowd of girls in bright pink and yellow dresses, among whom Cindy was with.

So I wasn't psychic or anything but I sort of knew that if I went over there and joined the halo of young single men trying to get attention from those girls that I would be totally ignored. But that was for the best. Then if Cindy and I ever had the conversation about being in the same place I could at least say I tried to go talk to her but that she was too busy. And if I did happen to get through to be able to see her? What then? Well, it wasn't going to happen anyway but if by the rare likelihood that it did then I could just say hi and that would be the end of it. I didn't feel like being in this place anymore anyway with asshole Jill walking around.

I put the cue away, shook off my gloom, put on a fake smile, and headed over. With each step I started to imagine what I'd have to say on the phone to Cindy's mom. If Cindy happened to tell her that she saw me surely I'd get a call and it would be another half an hour of me being polite while listening to the pitch for some network marketing scam.

I got close and found a nice spot to plant myself. I was definitely the odd man out in that crowd of happy, bubbly jerks all singing along to the pop song being imposed on us by the DJ. I waited patiently and had a game with myself to count the songs before I called it quits and went home. I pushed through to get to the nearest bar to get another beer and then I found my way to get back to the spot I had chosen for myself cut off. I was still near the bar and I faked bouncing to the music all the while being annoyed with myself for even subjecting myself to this.

Just then, right in front of me, she was there. Cindy was trying to explain to some guy what kind of drink she wanted. She was clearly already drunk past the point when I would have stopped. I smiled and just looked at her. She looked over at me and looked right through me like I wasn't even there. Typical.

But then I was surprised. A look of recognition came over her face. Her eyes lit up as she looked up at me and pushed past that guy to get closer to me.

"Hi." she said.

"Hey. Long time no see." I answered.

"Yeah. Totally. What are you doing here?"

"Just enjoying my weekend. I was about to go though."

"No, you can't go. The party is just getting started."

I was going to protest but Cindy took my arm and pulled me over to her friends. Then, while she was struggling to keep her balance, she started to slur the names of all the other girls as she had me either touch hands or at least get eye contact with them all one by one. It was so odd to be getting hugs and embraces by these girls to whom I would be invisible had it not been for Cindy. The next thing I knew I was dancing with two hot sexy girls and acting just like some schmuck who belonged with them when I really, really didn't. I didn't have anything to be happy about. I was just faking it for Cindy's sake and she was too drunk to be able to read my expression anyway.

Yes I was dancing with two fine as hell sexy bitches but I had no delusion about being able to take either of them home with me. They weren't my kind of women anyway. Jill was my kind of woman. She was tough, confident, competent, wore a jeans jacket, and was honest enough with me to kick my ass if I ever fucked anything up. If Jill was in a building on fire she'd likely find a gasoline can to add fuel to the flame while daring the inferno to come get her if it thought it had balls enough. After being with a woman like that what use did I have for little miss perfect bubble gum cutie dancing with me? Fake makeup and fake hair colors were no substitute for a woman who was real, flaws and all. I didn't have anything in common with the blonde on my left of the redhead on my right. I listen to METAL, have nude posters on my wall, and ride a motorcycle. Me and Barbie girl were incompatible.

At some point I mentioned that I'd had enough of nonsensically gyrating myself and that I was going to call it a night. At hearing that it seemed, led by Cindy, the whole group of young women all rejected my idea and insisted that I just needed to rest before the next round of dancing. The club had some table booths randomly placed here and there. We corralled ourselves and there were so many girls around me that there were three of them sitting on me while they ordered more drinks.

As we sat and drank there was talking but none of it was anything I could understand, take part in, or even hear clearly so I just kept a positive face on for their benefit. Somebody said something that I guess was supposed to be hilarious so much to the point that Cindy lost her balance with laughing and the next thing I knew her torso was laid across my lap and the top of her dress popped open and revealed her bra to me. Cheers went up from the others as a kind of signal to drink and a different girl brought a glass to my lips and poured the alcohol over my mouth though most of it spilled down my chest.

Somewhere in all of that an Asian girl tried to kiss me. In the back of my mind I had a flashback to when I had dated this girl from Spain in high school and for an entire summer I had been adopted into that crowd and became known as the guy who dated all the international students even though it was just the one. Would that happen again? Was this girl properly Asian or was she an American who just looked Asian because of where her grand parents had come from?

The kiss with that girl never actually happened. Before it was to connect, the Asian girl was clearly telecasting with her whole body what she was up to. Cindy took notice and jerked herself up. She actually yanked at the Asian girl's hair to keep her lips from touching mine. The Asian girl made an angry face but Cindy probably didn't see it. She was busy just then straddling my lap with one thigh on either side of me. She put a hand to each side of my face and planted her own lips onto me.

I have to admit I was rather confused. My confusion sort of started when Cindy was so violent with her 'break a nail and it is the end of the world' friend. It was strange for her to act that way. Had she wanted the girl to get permission to kiss me or something? But then when Cindy herself kissed me I was just ... I can't describe it. I couldn't think. I couldn't process it. There were so many conflicting things just then. Should I stop her? Should I continue? What did it mean? Was she trying to tell me something? Was this a dare?

Just then I heard my sister's voice in my head. "You like her, don't you? You kissed her, didn't you? I bet you two made out all night long." I had only been eight or maybe nine at the time. Cindy had gotten scared by some TV show and ran to bed crying. Instead of any of the adults doing what should have been their job I was told to go lay in bed with her to comfort her while my older sister got to stay up and watch monster movies. Then the next day Madeline wouldn't let it rest. It wasn't my fault. I hadn't known. I hadn't understood what was going on. It shouldn't have been such a big deal. How could have I have known before someone explained it to me? It wasn't fair.

And now it was something like fifteen years later and here was Cindy on top of me in front of all these people kissing me like I'm some boy she has a crush on. Shit! What do I do? What do I feel? What did this mean?

She pulled her lips away from me and brought them to my ear. "Use your hands. I know you want me." She came up and then looked down at my bewildered face. She knew? Knew what? That I wanted her? When had I ever said that? Or done anything that even hinted at that? It wasn't true. She had to be mistaken. I must have sent the wrong signal because I didn't want her. Of course I would not want her. That would be impossible.

Except that it wasn't impossible. I could bullshit everyone around me for years and years all the while trying to tell myself in my mind that what I was saying was the truth but none of that changed what I knew in my most secret thoughts to be true. I did want her. I thought about her. I desired her. And now she was here on top of me. Was this a test? A trick? Or was it something more? Dare I hope for it to be more?

I started to kiss her and my hands started to grab her and ... shit, I almost thought we were going to fuck right there in front of everyone. Once I had the idea of fucking her in my mind there was no other conclusion. I was done with the club and so was she. I picked her up and started for the door with her. We were cheered and celebrated as we made our way out.

After a very short taxi ride to my place (cause no way I was going to take her home to her mom and have to deal with that bitch) we were pulling clothes off of each other as we laid next to each other in bed. She was so full of passion and desire that she wasn't even all the way out of her garments when she wrapped her legs around me and pulled me down to her with my cock entering her pussy.

...

I opened my eyes the next morning not really sure of exactly what had happened the night before. I sort of remembered that we'd had sex more than once. I vaguely recalled as I looked at Cindy's naked form there next to me. Had I pulled out? We hadn't used a condom so it would have been a very good thing for me to pull out but I couldn't remember actually cumming.

I looked over at the time. It was past ten already, almost eleven even, so breakfast at the fast food place was out. If we slept much later we would be starting the day off with lunch. At that moment the best I could do for her was toast and black coffee. She started to stir as the aroma of the beans fill my small studio apartment. She sat up with her hair going in all directions as she wrapped my sheet around herself.

"Good morning." I said as I sat next to my bass and offered her a plate.

She smiled at me and greeted me as well.

"I have butter." I offered. "Do you want butter?"

She shook her head as she took her first bite of my toast. "Do you have cheese?"

I thought about the contents of my fridge. "No, probably not. I can go get some."

"No, that's ok."

"Sorry."

"Is that your guitar?"

"Yeah. Like it?"

"It's kind of cool. Do you play?"

"That's what it's for. Certainly not for show."

"Are you in a band?"

"Uh, no. I never went that direction with it."

"Maybe I can hear you play sometime."

"Yeah, that would be cool. I imagine we're going to be seeing more of each other since I'm guessing we have a few things to discuss."

"About that, anyway. Where's my phone."

"Right under the pillow. You dropped it last night so I put it there for you."

She fetched it out and spent a moment looking at something. I got up to check on the coffee and seeing that it was done poured two mugs.

"Before I forget." she called out to me. "Can I have your number?"

"What?" I asked myself as I tried to comprehend her question. I came over to her and offered her the coffee but she didn't take it right away. "You don't have my number already?"

She looked up at me, noticed the coffee and received it. "I don't think so. Or maybe I just misspelled your name."

"Well, no wonder you never call me." I laughed. Of course if she had call me, or if her mother had called me I likely wouldn't have been prone to answering. Anyway, I got out my phone, found her number in my contacts, and rung her up. She was startled at first when her phone started to buzz in her hand but then her eyes went big and she stared down at the phone.

"Louis?" she asked. Then she looked up at me. Then suddenly panic took over her face so hard that her shoulders shook her whole body. Her eyes went really wide and her mouth went circular. "Louis!"

"Oh, no. Oh no no no no. Do NOT tell me that you did not know it was me."

"But ... but ... Why? Why didn't you say something?"

"About what?"

"How could you? How could we? How could ..."

"Cindy. Slow down. Calm down. What part of this did you not understand?"

"You knew it was me, right?"

"Yes. Of course I did. Why didn't you?"

"I ... I ... You kissed me. You fucked me. You put your thing inside of me. Oh my ..."

"Hold it. Hold it right there. You kissed me."

"You knew I was your sister and you did that to me."

"Well some fucking sister you turned out to be. You fucking forgot I existed."

"I never forget about you. I'm always sending you my updates."

"Yeah, pictures of you drunk off your ass making a fucking fool of yourself."

"Well you didn't mind it last night, did you? Why didn't you tell me to stop?"

"In front of all of your friends? You wanted me to out you as kissing your brother in front of all of them?"

"You could have told me in the taxi."

"I thought you fucking knew. Though now that I think about it, it makes sense that you would fucking forget about me. AGAIN!"

She looked away and I was just looking down into the black liquid in my hands.

"What do we do?" she eventually asked after the ticks on my clock had audibly echoed through the apartment off the bare brick of my walls.

"Nothing. There's nothing to do. You go home. Go back to your life and I stay here."

"I don't want you to think that I forget about you. I'm your sister and I'm a good sister."

"Cindy, my REAL sister is dead."

"That's not fair, Louis. She was my sister too."

"She would have been 26 this year. Did you know that?"

"Not specifically that exactly."

"Cindy, just ... This was a mistake. Obviously. So we have to forget this ever happened and never tell anyone about it. There. Solved. Sorted. You go home and I'll stay here and everything goes back to how it was before."

"Wait. Um, like you said, we have things to discuss."

"Yeah, we just did."

"I'm sorry we haven't invited you over more often."

"It's too late now."

"It's not. We don't have to tell mom about this."

"Your mom. She's not my mom and she made the crystal fucking clear when she left me in that foster home."

"The lawyers told her ... "

"I don't give a fuck. Lawyers my ASS!" My passion had propelled me to my feet in that moment and Cindy cringed away from me.

"I'm sorry." she said as she clutched the bed sheet to hide herself. "Do you want to talk about it?"