Serendipity

Cold toast is just bread. Fruit is fruit. Cold bacon is ok. Cold eggs and tepid coffee, not so much. I ate it all anyway. We sat there on his bed and just talked. Victor confessed his growing feelings for me, and I told him the truth. I loved how he made me feel, and my god, I loved what he and I had done last night, all caps, cursive L.O.V.E.D., but this wasn't the real me. It was a facade, it was a device, a ruse I used to hide from the pain of my loneliness.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Victor took my hands in his, "that this isn't who you really are."

"You've never seen me when I'm not dressed. There's a lot less drama." I tried to smile.

"Drama is good sometimes." He grinned. "It proves we're alive."

"Then my ex is the most alive person on the planet." I let out a weak laugh.

Victor's face got serious. "Babe, what's bothering you? Last night was amazing and this morning, you're crying. What's wrong?"

Inhaling deeply, I let out a loud sigh as a series of shudders ran through my body.

"Oh, Victor, last night was incredible." It was going to break his heart. I knew it. "It's just so confusing. I don't want to lose you, but I'm not sure I can give you what you want. You want me as your girlfriend, your all-the time girlfriend. Tell me I'm wrong."

"I can't." His big brown eyes got sad. "So, what then? I thought that was what you wanted, too, to be a girl full time."

"I like girls too much to do that. Last night was amazing. I've never felt like that before, but as nice as it was to have you pull me into your arms, I want to do that for the woman I love. I just need to find one that will accept me like you do."

"It's ok." He bit his lip, nodded, and let out a soft sigh. Just like him to go all stoic on me and let me off the hook. There was no hiding the sadness in his eyes. "I understand. So, what do we do from here?"

"Not a fucking clue." I laughed. "I guess we just take it one day at a time and see where it goes. Like I said, I love so much about being with you, it just..."

"Yeah." He nodded.

"I guess you could try to make me change my mind." I grinned, running my hand up his thigh.

"You liked that, did you?"

I could feel the blush rushing up from my neck, covering my cheeks. I bit my lip and nodded. "A lot."

By the time Victor took me home, my world had been utterly and completely shattered. We were going to continue dating, with the caveat that we both knew that was as far as it was going to go. And the sex? Hell yes, I was going to let Victor fuck me as often as he wanted. Great, one more thing I get to explain to some unknown mystery girl. I laughed to myself as I made my way gingerly up the steps to my house.

Roscoe was waiting for me. In fact, he had left a special gift for me just inside the front door. I cleaned it up, got him breakfast and then took him to the park for a nice long run and an even longer session of frisbee.

I half expected to see Sarah at the park, but was glad I didn't. She would certainly ask me about the smile that kept crawling across my face, and I wasn't sure how to explain getting fucked silly by a massive black man.

I focused on anything that took my mind away from what Victor and I had done and the nagging feeling that, as amazing as it was, it just wasn't what I really wanted. And then there was Sarah, constantly invading my thoughts.

I timed my trips to the park to early mornings and late afternoons, avoiding the middle of the day, because that's when I usually saw Sarah and Chloe.

Victor texted me a few times. I ignored him. To be honest, I was being a bitch. We had agreed to continue dating, but I had decided that I didn't want to be hurt again and that I didn't want to hurt anyone else either. The more we dated, the closer we'd get and the worse it would be when one of us broke it off. It was just going to be me and Roscoe for a while.

Roscoe and I had spent the morning at the park entertaining an enthusiastic crowd with his acrobatic catches. We were at a small outdoor burger place just down the street from the park. I was enjoying my burger and a cold beer. Roscoe was laying in the shade underneath my table doing an amazing job of not harassing the squirrels running around in the trees. I was calm and relaxed, at peace - until I heard his voice.

"Hey, can I sit?"

My heart stopped. Fuck, my ass clenched. I closed my eyes and stifled a sigh, letting the air out slowly through my nose. It had been weeks since I had heard that voice.

"Hi, Victor." I couldn't even look at him.

"I just want to make sure you're really, ok? That's it." He sat down across from me, resting his elbows on the table and folding his hands together, resting his face against them as he started at the top of the table.

Roscoe must have sensed my discomfort because he got up and started nuzzling my leg. I reached down and scratched him behind the ears, drawing strength from his unlimited love.

"Just talk." I repeated what Victor had said. He slowly raised his head and let out a soft sigh.

"You warned me, remember? It was my fault. All of it." The look in his eyes was begging me for something. I wasn't sure what.

"But I led you on. I knew what you wanted, and then I gave it to you. When I got home, I thought about everything. Eventually, we're going to break up and I don't think I can handle that rejection, not again. I'm sorry I ghosted you. I never wanted to hurt you like that."

We just sat there, neither of us knowing what to say. To be honest, I missed him. I missed the way he made me feel and the physical excitement that came with it, but mostly, I missed him; just sitting and talking and having someone I didn't have to pretend with.

"I saw you and Roscoe at the park. He's amazing." Victor finally broke the silence, his voice quiet, tentative. "How did you train him to do all that?" He gave me a weak smile. He was trying to start over.

"I didn't." I slowly relaxed. "He's a rescue. Not really sure who rescued whom, though. On the way home, I stopped for some supplies. When we got to the toy aisle, he grabbed a disk. The first time I took him to the park, he was all over it. Whoever had him before me worked with him a lot. The shelter said they picked him up as a stray, no tags, no chip, but it's always in the back of my mind that someone is going to show up and claim him. I don't know what I'd do if that happened." I reached down and gave Roscoe another scratch behind his ears.

Cocking my head, I looked at Victor, "You were at the park, you've been stalking me?"

"Stalking is a harsh word. More like looking for an opportunity to just talk. I miss you." The sigh that followed his words was massive. "Dammit, sex between friends just screws thing up, every time. Listen, I know we can't have what I wanted, but I still miss you."

"Friends? And you said wanted, past tense."

"Like I said, you warned me. I thought I could convince you. Maybe I put too much stock in the myth about 'big black cock' being addictive or something." He gave me a wry smile.

"I have to admit, it is pretty impressive, and I asked for seconds and thirds, after all." I could feel myself blush to my toes. We both laughed.

"Look, Charlie, I'll be honest. I care about you a lot and have since that first night we met. I knew when that guy you were dancing with looked like he was going to hit you. Maybe I've got a hero complex or some shit like that, but I want you to be safe, happy, and safe."

"But..." I interrupted.

"Yeah, there's a big but in there too." He stopped and just looked at me, his big brown eyes swallowing me whole as he thought about what to say next. This whole thing was so wrong. I was the one that had led him on, then ghosted him. I was the one, not him. And here he was, acting like he had betrayed me.

Everything in me wanted to run, to get as far away as I could from the feelings of guilt building inside me. Roscoe licked my fingers, and I looked down at him, smiling at the unbridled acceptance in his bright green eyes. I had found that acceptance in two other places. One was my mom, and one was sitting across from me, trying to fix what I had broken.

I shuddered and looked back at Victor.

He reached over and put his hand on my arm. "You want to know what I miss most, more than the dancing, the kisses, the sex, and the way I felt when I woke up with you in my arms, more than all that? Do you want to know?" He locked his deep chocolate eyes onto mine. I nodded.

"I miss how it felt when you just let it all out. That kind of intimacy is different. It's on a whole different level. There are places I can go for sex. I have a couple of girls I can call, but none of them ever trusted me like you did that first night. It's your friendship. I miss having someone I can trust with anything, and I think we had that. I miss sitting and drinking coffee and just talking. That's what I miss."

"Friendship?" I was at a loss for words. "That's all?"

"Well..." He grinned, and we both laughed. "Friends care about each other and want each other to be safe and happy, too. That's kind of what it means, right?"

There was that pleading look in his eyes again.

"So, say we decide to be just friends. What then? I mean, you've only ever been around me when I was all dressed up. Are you ok with the real me?" I pointed at myself. "Most of the time, this is what I am. I love dressing up, but it just doesn't fit into my regular life, so you'd have to put up with me like this, too. No full-time girlfriend."

"Benefits?" Victor gave me the most evil grin I had ever seen.

"Don't push your luck." I chuckled. 'I hope so.' The thought ran through my head.

"Deal." He stuck out his hand for me to shake. "Now, are those burgers as good as they look?"

I laughed and nodded. "Absolutely."

We talked and laughed while we ate. He fell in love with Roscoe just as I had when I first met him, and he shared some recent pictures of Lord Biscuit. Victor had gotten into the habit of dressing him up in cute little outfits. My favorite was a top hat with a faux tuxedo. Lord Biscuit seemed to enjoy them, or at least didn't care enough to protest. Somebody somewhere had a business making those cute little outfits, too. My guess was, they weren't cheap.

I discovered something hanging out with Victor. I had isolated myself from my male friends, too. Wrapped in my fear of being discovered and the rejection that came with it, I had quit meeting the few friends I had for drinks or catching a game. I had built a neat little wall; around myself, my feminine clothes, and Roscoe.

Victor dragged me to fight-night at his favorite sports bar and took me to a few baseball games. I even dressed up for a few of them, if you can call short shorts, my forms, and a crop top dressing up. The way the surrounding guys kept ogling me, I guess it did.

"Warn me next time you want to do this. OK?" I got a nice tan and Victor couldn't keep his eyes off me. When I woke up in his bed again, sore from a night of 'benefits', I remembered what it felt like to be wanted and my mind wandered to Sarah. I hadn't seen her in over a month. Someone had probably beaten me to her by now. That would be about right. I let out a loud sigh.

"You alright?" Victor patted my thigh.

"Yeah, just thinking about stuff, missed opportunities, that kind of thing."

"That girl you told me about?"

"Yeah. What if she would have been ok with this?" I motioned to myself. "I never gave her the chance, and now I've been actively avoiding her for over a month. Not sure that bridge even exists anymore. I've been so afraid of rejection that I've cut myself off from giving anybody a chance. Even you were an accident."

"Nope. No accident. I wanted your ass as soon as I saw you. That dress, the way you danced, we were meeting. You didn't have a choice." He laughed.

"Well, I'm glad we did." I sat in silence for a while.

"Where'd you meet her, anyway?"

"Dog shelter. That's where I got Roscoe. Then we just kept running into each other."

"No shit. That Sarah. Cute little blonde, big smile, bigger heart? That's who hooked me up with Ben. That's who I was talking to at the club when you got jealous. You chose my ass over her? You are one fucked up bitch." He laughed. I agreed.

"You accept me as I was, no judgement, just acceptance. I was afraid if I asked her out and we got close, she'd just reject me when I told her about my dressing. I've been hurt too many times."

"You never even gave her a chance?" He looked at me like I had two heads.

"Nope, kind of a pussy, I guess." That got a raised eyebrow.

"Listen, I have an idea. Do you have a nice cocktail dress?"

I looked at Victor and raised an eyebrow. "Did you really just ask me that?" It was my turn to laugh. "Fill me in over breakfast. You wore me out and I'm starving."

Victor laid out his plan. It could work, or it could explode in my face. Either way, it sounded like a lot of fun, and I might get closure with Sarah. Worst case, spending the night dressed to the nines with Victor, adding in the music and dancing and the alcohol. The worst case was I'd end up right where I was right now.

I'd never admit to Victor that between my dress, new lingerie, and heels, I had spent over a thousand dollars on my outfit. Some people think it's not fair men can just wear the same tux to everything while women buy something new every time. Those are the same people that have never spent an afternoon at Nordstrom's. They've never roamed the shoes or gotten lost in rack after rack of dresses searching for the perfect combination. My dress was Versace, my shoes Jimmy Choo, and my bag Gucci. I wasn't sure who I was trying to impress. Victors' reaction mattered, and I was going to a true gala, so I wanted to make an impression. I think in the back of my head; I wanted Sarah to say, wow, too.

The annual Metropolitan Charity Gala was one of the premier social events of the year. A two-hundred-dollar-a-plate dinner. A cash bar with a live band and a silent auction would follow the dinner. It all benefited a half dozen charities. The animal shelter was one of them. Victor was on the board of two of the charities, including the animal shelter. Sarah was on the animal shelter board, too. They would both be there, and I was going to be Victor's plus one.

There had to be at least a thousand people there. All organized in table groupings by charity. I saw Sarah at one of the animal shelter tables. Victor and I were at a table for Project Outreach. What surprised me was that Sarah was there with a very attractive, very tall woman with blonde hair. Her date looked like she had Germanic features, probably those crystal blue eyes, too. They looked close, closer than I imagined Sarah would be with another woman. I resigned myself to the idea that Sarah was a lost cause.

There were announcements, and the charities received awards for excellence of varying degrees. That was why they were here. The animal shelter and Project Outreach both received awards that showed they were at the top of the list, probably Victor's doing. I was going to tease him about it like it was, anyway.

Sarah accepted the award for the shelter and waved at Victor as she left the stage. Victor nudged me and waved back. Sarah's and my eyes locked for a second and she got a strange look on her face. I didn't know if she recognized me or was just surprised to see Victor with a date, maybe both.

Dinner was amazing. Serving this many people with this quality of food was an epic feat. The chef and house manager must have been magicians. I had trouble coordinating steaks on my grill.

Victor got caught up in a spur-of-the-moment conversation with one of the other Project Outreach board members, so I went to browse the silent auction. There were tons of things I would have loved to have, but most of the bids were already out of my price range. There was a Kate Spade purse that would go perfectly with one of my dresses. The top bid was high, but it was for charity, so I upped it fifty bucks. Hell, with what I spent on my outfit, why not? I bid on a small sculpture of a dog with a frisbee and an art print that I liked, not really expecting to win anything.

"So, you and Victor, I never would have guessed." I turned to see Sarah admiring the same sculpture I had just bid on. "Kind of explains things, though." She let out a long sigh.

"Explains things?"

"Why you never asked me out?"

"It's not that. Victor and I are just friends. He just needed a date for tonight, and well, I like to dress up. Most women don't understand this." Pointing to myself, I grimaced. "I'm a little, or a lot, gun-shy. I didn't want to be rejected again." It was my turn to sigh.

"Just friends? I've seen you two at the club dancing. That's not just friends." She had me there.

"We tried, and it was amazing. He's so perfect, but he wants a full-time girlfriend. Eventually more, but 'full-time' is the operative phrase. I'm not interested in that, at least not with another man. So, we hang out, go to baseball games, watch fights at sports bars, and come to high-priced gala events. Some time I go dressed up and sometimes I don't."

"You tried it? Tried it, tried it; with Victor?" Sarah gave me the strangest look.

What could I do? "Um, yeah. Tried it, tried it with Victor. Like I said, it was amazing." I cringed, waiting for her to yell and scream, calling me gay or fag or something.

"Wow. He's not a small man. Can I ask how that worked, exactly?"

What? Sarah knew I dressed and now she knew I had spent the night with Victor, in a biblical sense, and what she wanted to know was how it worked. "Um, painful at first, and then pretty awesome."

"All the way?" She was incredulous.

"Sarah, what the hell? You really want details of me having sex with another man?"

"Sorry, it's just that I know a girl, and um, well, girls talk sometimes, and she told me he was huge." Her face was scarlet. "I'm sorry. It's none of my business. I'll shut up now." She turned to walk away.

"Sarah, wait. How long have you known this was me?"

"At our last board meeting, he was all smiles. He told me he had met someone special. I asked him about you, who you were, where he met you, that kind of stuff. He told me about his proclivities, mentioned we almost met each other at Zed. When he said you had a border collie, it just clicked. That and the hair."

"And it doesn't bother you?"

"I'll admit, I had to think about it. To be honest, though, I have a little experience with girls like you, so I'm probably more accepting than most. Besides, Roscoe loves you, and that's about as good a reference as you can get." There was that smile again. "Actually, I think it's kind of cool that a man will put himself out there like that, little miss five-hundred-dollar Jimmy Choo's."

"Jealous much?" I couldn't help but blush and smile. "I was kind of hoping you would notice."

"Wait, you dressed like this to get my attention, not Victors?"

"Like I said, Victor and me, just friends. It helps that he knows I dress like this and likes it, but yeah. The idea was you'd want to meet the hot girl with Victor, and I could see how you reacted when you found out it was me. If you screamed and ran away with your hair on fire like my ex, then at least I'd have closure. It's just too bad you're here with someone else."

She smiled and looked at me a little sideways. "So, is it still, Charlie?"

"Yeah, coming up with a different name is too confusing, and it's not like I have multiple personalities. It's just me in a dress, mostly."

"Mostly?" Sarah looked at me sideways.

"When I go dancing all dressed up, I might like the way the guys react to me a little more than when I'm not dressed."

"I've noticed that about you." She laughed and touched my arm. "Maybe you're a little bi; well, Victor, maybe a lot bi. Have you thought about that?"