All Comments on 'Seven Year Itch'

Weakest of the lot

A very good brief read.

I'm glad you progressed to adding dialogue. While it adds an extra degree of difficulty, it also broadens and deepens the story more naturally than adding whole paragraphs of stilted descriptions or narrative commentary. With more practice you will have it flowing more freely.

I'm glad his new wife recognized the importance and value of his revisiting the hurt of his previous marriage to address the issues there. Many people would tell us to leave the old hurts alone, but sometimes at the time we are too hurt to see clearly that we were not the only victims. Good to see John stepping up to help the kids whose mother was never going to provide stability.

No theatrics, no navy seals, no elaborate plan, no spywork (professional that is) ... no hemming, hawing, etc.. Just dump the skank, get on with life, pass out the proper punishment when you have the chance. Yep it was opportune how easy it was, but this is a fiction story site.

I do understand how enlightenment can come long after the fact. You don't know something and then you do, or you don't care about something and then it matters. Also, I liked the way the story took two different roads to revenge. Very good.

Better than your previous stories. It does show improvement. You did miss on what happened to Linda at the end. 4 kids with 3 or 4 different fathers? That information should have been shared with Linda's parents - They of course love their grandchildren, but they should be told their daughter is a faithless, cheating slut.

Revenge on the guys, in line with the maximum pain for both, was fitting for the story. Linda getting off Scot free didn't do much to fill in the blanks.

.. this was a great one.. good and keep going.. just take the stories to what looks like a logical end.. don’t leave us hanging bro

Trump ? Second amendment ? Were they relevant to the story?

I really don't care if an author thinks Trump walks on water, or is a demon from hell.

But with the posturing from Universities, blue-city mayors, etc, why risk alienating parts of your audience by adding things that don't connect to the story? Tell the story and connect the dots. Seems like these two references were disconnected.

I've read stories where the cheating scum were also connected to religion, "family values," or conservatives. Point there is to accentuate the say-one-thing-and-do-another hypocrisy, hence it's relevant. Or the arrogant rich guy who thinks he can buy anything -- relevant again.

Great story. I had no problem understanding this one at all. Really perfect revenge on the lovers, taking from them what they cared about the most. Linda , it turns out, was nothing worth losing at all. Please stay away from politics in your stories though, and the second amendment is sacred. You’re good at this writing thing, and these short stories are excellent. Now give a long, character driven story. I think it would be amazing.

I'm very impressed 4 stories in two days. This one is the best so far nice work.

Damn, Linda really was a nasty whore. Four bastard kids from four different fathers...

This was a great story, but it was missing some revenge on the skank. Sterilisation would be a public service!

"He loved Donald Trump and thought the second amendment was more scared than the bible." - See, Anonymous, THIS is how you can use politics in a story, as a simple descriptor of the character. If this was like a TMM story, the next line would be, "It figures that a follower of the philanderer Trump would be a Bible-thumping hypocrite that thought nothing of fathering a baby with a married woman."

/

Yes, the best of the lot, and congratulations on adding dialog, and now for a critique of that! Use commas between the attribution and the quote, for example: John said, "Blah, blah, blah." If the quote comes first, replace the period with a comma, for example: "Blah, blah, blah," John said.

Where have you been. Excellent writing. 5

@Anonymous Re: Politics - While I agree that Mel's politics had nothing to do with the story, it didn't hurt anything. There were no disparaging remarks about Trump or his supporters.

I love revenge stories. 5 stars.

Really liked it. Well done and keep them coming. Only one request, unless relevant to the story, please leave politics out of the story. 5 stars

John will be discovered as the assailant of Mel Jones and convicted of GBH with the appropriate jail term. So big deal, the wife cheated with him. That doesn't merit cold blooded assault causing life changing injuries. This sort of stuff isn't acceptable even as fantasy.

Those kids never knew who that man was who came by?

Agree completely, you have talent and improve every story so thank you for your work. Also agree to keep politics out of it (or you'll end up like Marlboro Man who writes not anywhere near the worst plots and characters on here but ruins the whole thing with political ravings). Although, 2nd amendment, sacred or scared....was that a Freudian slip perhaps. ....

But I will agree stay off the third rail around here. Unless what you have to say is profound (never read anything like that here) or you just don’t care like MM.

And write what you know.....a baseball bat might float down the Potomac towards the Bay but it will never sink to the bottom.

~Enkidu

Interesting story! I don't know how I would have handled things. You have to be careful that revenge does come back and bite you in the butt.

5

. . . why did he walk away from them just because he wasn’t their biological father? That part didn’t make sense.

He bonded with them, he reared them for years, he loved them, and then he just threw them away because he wasn’t the sperm donor.

Very entertaining one page read. Thanks for sharing.

but after the selfishness elapses a new life begins. TK U MLJ LV NV

Taking a shot at the President and 2A? Bad timing for that.

In today's day and age I think mandatory DNA paternity testing at birth should be mandatory before any birth certificate can be filled out and and filed with the state. Kind of antiquated to keep assuming that the father is the male partner of a heterosexual relationship. If everything matches up no problem just eliminates questions down the road. If the DNA doesn't match then it should be up to the male to decide if her wants to accept parental responsibilities and if so he should have to formally adopt the child.

Why support all those kids (via the ex inlays) when none are his? He was with one for what, 18 months? OK if he wants to support two then go ahead but not all 4. I know they are "innocent" but if anything help her get on some assistance program or let dick weed support them. He is on the birth certificate for 2.

Oddly enough, this same concept came to my mind when Georgia was trying to outlaw abortion. I thought "If every male above the age of 12 was required to get DNA testing, then the random child could be associated with both of their parents, and support arraignments determined".

I'm pretty sure that that requirement would sink all such abortion proposals immediately.

As for politics in stories, especially in this time, yeah - you are going to piss off at least half of your audience. This characterization was an interesting case - I took it as laziness on the part of the author - he could have listed the characteristics, which would have been boring, or he could have tried to make the characterization more organic, which would have been a lot of investment in an undeveloped character. Best, I'd guess, to leave it off.

Leaving the characterization off has some issues, but schadenfreude, while a mainstay of this category, is still something of a moral deficit.

YMMV

Green-something

Not much in the way of explanation into the why and why for of the cheating. She cheated, he got screwed, even if the financial settlements were in his favor. Like he said, he loved the kids. Good that he managed to maintain contact with them.

My real problem with this story is how he relegated his new love (and she described herself as such) to a brood mare, good for making children. No personality development at all in any of the characters but especially his second wife. Which left the story really untold.

Never use a preposition to end a sentence.

Understand the reason for the revenge and refreshing it was not for the standard revenge on the bitch reason. As for the swipe at politics and 2A. You picked the wrong side. The other side would have the lack of moral character and responsibility to cheat with a married woman and have no cares about any offspring that came about because of it.

But really not needed either way. To alienate half of your audience for something that is not even necessary is foolish and childish.

Hey Buckeyebob, your comment reminds me of a joke.

A truck driver was delivering books to a library on a college campus. The driver was not familiar with the campus. He saw a kid standing on the side of the road with a stack of books in his arms. The driver stopped and ask the kid, excuse me, could you please tell me where the library is at? The smart ass little bastard replied, no I will not unless you can ask using proper English. Even a truck driver should know how to ask a question correctly. The truck driver looked at the little runt. Ok said the trucker, I'll rephrase the question. Do you know where the library is at, ASSHOLE. Was that you on the side of the road?

Cheating people caught and punishment fit the story.

Our protagonist has built up his business and rebuilt his life. Has a new child with a lovely lady. He's on-top-of-the-world! Thinks about his ex-wife and the kids who he thought were his 7 years earlier, before finding otherwise. Instead of feeling happy and blessed, like any normal person....He veers off on a mission to find out who was the father of the 2 kids that HE abandoned, when he divorced his cheating wife. Finds out it was 2 guys. And sets about to near-destroy them--one physically, one financially & emotionally. This would have made sense when he was angry during & aft the divorce. Now that he is in a happy situation, all this sudden scheming to damage people all these years later is irrational and would signify a sociopath. There is nothing to celebrate about this new father. I would suggest the wife to pack up the kid and get away from him, if he's this unbalanced.

@ReedRichards Re: "He bonded with them, he reared them for years" - Actually, not. David was 18 months and Melissa two months old, at least when he discovered that his wife had cheated.

Anonymous 10/16/20 comments are stupid! You don’t go for revenge immediately after finding out about something very important to you. You wait and let things cool off so that people don’t think that you are involved when something “wonderful” (sic-2001 A Space Odyssey) happens!

revenge is better when the scum can relate his pain to his "crime", but revenge is always good regardless of when. Evading any consequences of revenge is also always hi on the list of whats needed to get revenge. Theres always the possibility that revenge will never get done and that sucks a lot, living well is good but w/o revenge, life will always have an empty disappointed void and life will have not been lived well.

Fuck the high road...Revenge gives a better peace of mind than years of long drawn out mental forgiveness

I am curious, what last name did David and Melissa grow up with? If it was still Franklin as was on the birth certificates, they would be looking for answers about their father. Jenkins might have David's name changed but he wouldn't have Melissa's changed.

Revenge is always satisfying.

Your stories are very enjoyable and deserve to be more highly rated, especially this one. One or two of your stories almost read like poetry at rimes.

And regarding the political element commented on in this one: I suppose if you read on social media that your antagonist is likely one of the small minority that owns the vast majority of guns in the U.S., it could affect one’s strategy regarding a plan of revenge, don’t you think?

Not a fan of revenge stories, though this one was well done. Time itself will destroy all who wronged us : the virile will become impotent with age, the financially successful will nonetheless grow sick, suffer, and die.

Again. Great story, but that Linda was one dirty cheating whore.

okokok, but what is a "totem mention" of the children?

fuck the high road, the high road has many men paying for someone else's kids and living in basement apartments or with mom and dad.

3 stars and 'ONLY' because you used violence to get even with one of the Assholes. If you had chosen a non-violent method of revenge, it would have been 5 worthy. 'Just sayin' violence should never be an option, unless in defense.

5 Stars!!! Great revenge on the lovers. Ex-wife didn't rate any extra revenge...

Why drag irrelevant politics into a story ? Donald Trump won the 2016 election, thus about half your readers might have voted for him. I don't even like him, but I recognized that some people are so obsessed about him that he colors stories by being associated with the "villain" where politics has literally nothing to do with it.

If you did a story about politics during the Trump administration where it was germane, it would make more sense. In other words, authors (and editors) should check their ASSumptions.

I used to think "Trump Derangement Syndrome" was a myth. But if he's so living in people's heads that he has become the avatar of evil in a plot that is otherwise not around politics, I need to re-think that. Maybe people are that mental.

As for the poster who mentioned the "small minority" of Yanks owning firearms, it's been consistently hovering around 42%. I checked. Not small at all, though whether or not that's "good" is quite a different question. And with the unrest in the USA of late, I'm confident it's topped 50% and become a majority. I'm not touting that as good, just that a simple spot of research can help.

No penalties for the Linda slut. By your the way, aggregated data fro 23 and me, ancestry dot com and other DNA service providers shows that about one in five men are raising kids not theirs. Typically the third kid is most likely to have different bio dad. Third kid timeline is about when wives start to wonder, get restless, or simply need affirmation. Women have very effectively hidden the truth for decades, and still have courts, government and public opinion on their side. Men still get fucked regularly by society, and it is increasing,as it is now a crime to be a white male, just do some simple searches. Better yet, read all u can on the case of William heatherigton, gene see county Michigan. Decorated military vet was totallyy fucked over by his wife, the system and the military, all because they were afraid of the female vote and afraid of being perceived as a to feminist.

David and Melissa never knew the identity of the man who often came by when they visited their Grandparents.

I find it difficult to believe that they *never* knew...

With him clearly helping the kids, I can't help but believe at *some* point that the grandparents wouldn't relate the tale... or that the kids wouldn't eventually notice a correlation between them needing things and them getting things after they visit their grandparents (and the unknown man)...

And no way a proud father would be able to conceal that pride *all* the time...

Also, what are the odds that neither of her husbands fathered her children *while* they were her husband? Those kind of odds almost require intent on her part.

Only thing I didn’t like was the paucity of info on Linda…why she was a slut, and what, if any, real price she paid….especially after being found out by second husband.

.

4 ****

"He loved Donald Trump and thought the second amendment was more scared (sacred?) than the bible. His (Mel Jones) account gave John all the information he needed."

Exactly how did the above knowledge contribute to John's revenge strategy? Or was it an overt, gratuitous statement of the author's political ideology? Well I for one am no more interested in the author's sexual orientation, religious beliefs if any, the color of his skin or his ethnicity than I am in his politics. I refuse to be lectured about appropriate political thought by a nobody writing on an erotic website.

Fortunately, I do have to ability to chose not to read any more of your submissions.

Not a lot of new ground here.

perfect

Finally a story that has satisfactory ending. Thanks for sharing.

Loejtc,. “I refuse to be lectured by a nobody writing on an erotic site.” But you posted that piece of crap follow up?? to another authors original story. Ever heard of irony, dick?

The story would have benefitted from more exposition around Donna. She deserves to be more than set dressing.

The injection of politics added nothing to the characterization of Mel, nor to the story.

A 99.4% accurate dna test is pretty awful. Means that 1 in 167 guys could be an equivalent match. DNA testing is usually much more accurate than even 99.99%...

good pabacks but 6 kids of his own> OMG, I had 4 and that was too many