Sexual Preference/Choice Ch. 01

If two women share intimate thoughts, feelings, and experiences with each other, they are being women. Their actions are neither heterosexual nor homosexual. A man may play football with a bunch of guys and may even pat another man's behind. This man may touch men in areas that would be inappropriate at other times and may even hug the other men. These actions are neither heterosexual nor homosexual. A man may have trouble expressing his feelings to his spouse or partner and talks of his most intimate thoughts with another man; this is neither a heterosexual action nor a homosexual activity.

When a person is heterosexual, they have to be conscious of statements they make and where they make them, how they act and how they act where. Heterosexuals are expected to follow certain gender roles. Heterosexuals must follow certain standards, men especially.

Boys are molded and directed from a very young age. The coming-of-age hunting trip is a good example. A young boy is taken out and taught to suppress any feelings of empathy for another life, he is taught to be dominant and aggressive. He is taught to be a conqueror. Why are boys taught these things?

It is done to aid boys in becoming successful later in life. A competitive spirit is encouraged so that in peacetime this dominant, aggressive, conquering, competitive spirit can be put to use in the business world. In violent times, this same spirit is molded and further trained to kill and survive. Why is this thought to be important, natural, and encouraged in non-military men?

The answer to this question lies in the fact that for the last few thousand years a dominant, aggressive, competitive, financially successful man has been desired by women and envied by men.

To be successful in the workplace a man must see others as competition. To succeed he must become a warrior detached from his emotions and ready for combat. Men are taught to work through their pain and never take no for an answer.

Men are taught to prove who they are and what they are capable of. This has made many men non-feeling, yet very successful in business. This type of success is often expected out of boys and men whether it is in sports or business.

Women have come to see and expect men to be warriors, as well. Something as simple as a man not being able to win a large prize at a carnival by shooting out a star on a piece of paper or being an accurate shot with a dart can lose his woman's respect. This may sound superficial, but it does happen, often.

Men who may be very successful in business are rarely good lovers or family men. Others may respect him because of his success and devotion to his work, but often his spouse or children do not see him as being successful at home.

Many men are taught survival skills. The problem is these skills often have not fostered relationship survival. The proving of oneself that boys and men are taught has not helped in the sexual world either. Aggressive, competitive, successful men are considered attractive by many women, yet the more aggressive, competitive, and conquering a man may be, the more he wants to conquer.

Where this becomes a problem is in the sphere of intimacy. An aggressive man may be very good in bed. A competitive man who is jealous may be seen as protective. There are two main problems with a man's warrior-type spirit.

One problem is in the realm of sexual conquering where we have heard the phrase "boys will be boys" or "you know how men are." These statements often seem to foster the reality of why men are seen as successful with women the more women they have sex with.

Because women are trained from their youth to be more aggressive in keeping their men and pleasing their men, a woman who has sex with many men is not seen as successful.

The second problem is these same men are taught to, and live with, one main emotion that is commonly accepted as masculine. That emotion is anger. Although anger is commonly accepted as a manly emotion, men have to control their anger for it to be considered acceptable. Men are taught by other men and society to be tough, strong, competitive, and conquering, yet women also want them to be communicative, faithful, and understanding of their feelings.

In heterosexual relationships, men and women are more different than they are the same, mostly because of their molding throughout childhood and later adult lives.

We know of the "battle of the sexes" because heterosexual relationships are often battles both partners feel they have to win. Men are trying to prove they are men and women are often trying to prove they can be just as aggressive.

Many marriages are sexless and not always because either or both partners want it that way. Because it is common for long-term relationships to become somewhat, if not totally, sexless, I have to ask; If sex is non-existent, are thoughts, feelings, and lusts non-existent as well?

It is my opinion that because a person's thoughts, feelings, and lusts determine a person's sexuality, a person's sexual activities or in-activities would not necessarily determine a person's sexual orientation.

It is a well-known fact that men often compare their penis size to the penises of other men. If a man had never seen another man's penis or paid attention to its size, there would be no basis for comparison.

Wouldn't paying this much attention to another man's penis be considered a homosexual activity? No. Most all men compare their penis size to other men's penises at some time in their life. This may not make comparing a heterosexual activity, but you have to admit it is considered natural, common, and accepted.

If my last statement is true, comparing your penis to another man's penis is normal. Therefore, it must be a heterosexual activity. It's normal and socially acceptable, right?

Let us keep in mind that sexual activity has nothing to do with a person's sexual identity. A woman may dress a certain way to impress her spouse or partner. Many women want other women to notice and talk about them. They want to make an impression on everyone, including women. If a woman desires the attention of other women, wouldn't that be considered a homosexual thought or desire? This is a widely accepted phenomenon. Therefore, it has to be a heterosexual activity, right?

The more I try to explain what makes a person heterosexual, the more I realize there is not much that can be considered an exclusively heterosexual activity. This leads me to understand sexual orientation is not accurate terminology.

What a person does, sexually, with another person is more a preference than an orientation. Therefore, heterosexuality is a preference. If heterosexuality is a preference, why do most people prefer heterosexuality? And one must ask if most people actually are heterosexual.

Before I try to explain why many people prefer heterosexuality, I want to pose a couple of questions.

If a man is heterosexual and is put in prison, and he ends up having sex with another man, is he a heterosexual man having sex with another man or a homosexual man who used to be a heterosexual?

If a woman is heterosexual and one night happens to have sex with another woman, is she now homosexual?

Let's look at the first question. Many men have sex with other men when they are in prison. To answer the question one has to realize that there are two people involved in the above scenario. One is penetrating, the other is receiving. Most cases of male-to-male sex in prison are more equated with rape than sex for pleasure.

Rape is an act of aggression and violence. Rape is rarely pleasure-centered for the aggressor or the victim. Male to male sex in prison rarely results in romantic re-occurrences, although rapes often re-occur if the victim makes it easy for the aggressor.

Male-to-male sex, in a prison atmosphere, could not normally, rightfully, be considered a homosexual act, even though a homosexual type of action had occurred. Many men in prison, even those who might rape other men, find overtly homosexual men to be a turn-off, to put it lightly.

The second question involves a woman engaging in sexual activity with another woman. Is a woman a homosexual because she has sex with another woman? Many women have occasions when they are intimate with another female. Many women, especially in college, have sex with other women on an experimental level. Many women I have spoken with admitted they'd had sex with a girlfriend just because, or to find out what it was like, or it just happened.

Many women leave their experience(s) behind them and never have sex with a woman again. Some women have admitted they've had sex with women more than once. Even if a woman does have sex with a woman more than once, it does not always mean she prefers sex with women. It does not even mean she is bisexual. A consensual female-to-female experience may just be a change from routine or a spur-of-the-moment experience.

Sexual preference is complex in its variables. A person may have an experience that many might consider a homosexual act and not have a repeated or continuous thought or emotional desire for such activity again.

If there is no repeated or continuous desire then the experience was just that, nothing more. Even if the thought or emotional desire is repeated there is no reason to call it a preference.

One man I spoke with was heterosexual, married with two children, but admired and enjoyed the male phallus. This man had a collection of phallic items from different centuries and from all over the world. He was captivated with the penis.

This man, we will call him Allan, saw the penis as a work of art, and each one unique. Allan and his wife both collected phalluses. Allan explained he had always been fascinated with the penis, even as a child.

Allan had studied phallicism in many cultures and periods and found the phallus had held great spiritual significance throughout time. Allan told me he had never even thought of having sex with a man and didn't plan to any time soon. He was just mesmerized by the male generative organ. Allan told me he saw the phallus as a focal point for his masculinity.

Allan was heterosexual, yet he enjoyed the sight of and the representation of the male member and considered it art. So did Allan's wife. Allan enjoyed the phallus as art and a spiritual totem, yet he preferred sex with women. Therefore, Allan would not be considered homosexual because of his sexual preference.

One woman told me she often had fantasies that involved her being raped by several men one after the other. These fantasies were continual and repetitious, but they were not an outgrowth of her desires. No woman wants to be brutally raped. As I noted above, rape is an act of violence and aggression. Many women who have rape fantasies do so out of a desire to be submissive, taken, not raped.

Many women end up being the sexual aggressor in their relationships. Many women, because their careers demand that they be in control, have rape fantasies as a release of control or giving control to someone else.

Women who have never had sex have admitted they have had such fantasies. A fantasy is just a fantasy in these situations. Some have desires attached to their fantasies, but not for rape, rather, they desire to give up control for just a little while, if only in fantasy.

In the situation above, a woman prefers to be raped in fantasy, but would never want this fantasy to come true. In fantasy, the rape is done under her wishes, desires, and control. A real rape would leave her abused, physically harmed, and psychologically scarred. Her preference is fantasy because in the fantasy she is still in control, even though, in her fantasy, she is submissive. Hence, not all desire or fantasy denotes preference, sexual or otherwise.

A sexual preference is not unlike other preferences. If a person decides they want to have sex with a person of their same gender, they have made a choice. If I choose chocolate ice cream over strawberry, I have made a choice. I may prefer one to the other, but I make a decision that sometimes contradicts my usual preference. If I choose chocolate over strawberry, that is my preference at that time.

Many people say our sexual preferences come about at an early age. Other people believe our sexual preferences exist before birth, that they are biologically based. I wonder at what time, while I was still in the womb, that I biologically was predisposed to like pickles and Thousand Island dressing? I also wonder, because a vagina formed on my body, if I instinctively knew I was supposed to like something I did not have, let alone even know existed?

Some preferences do come about later and throughout a person's life. Sexual preferences seem to be more important to most people than their preference for different foods or clothing. More important to many people are other people's sexual preferences. Many people will act differently toward a person if they find a person has a different sexual preference than their own. Our sexual preference has a huge effect on those around us.

Our understanding or misunderstanding of our own and other's sexual preferences creates thoughts in our minds that are either positive or negative. We often consider ourselves normal or abnormal depending on what and who we perceive we are sexually.

If we consider ourselves to be heterosexual, and all our friends are heterosexual, then we consider ourselves normal. If we consider ourselves heterosexual, our friends are heterosexual, our parents are heterosexual, not being heterosexual is not normal.

If we are heterosexual and we happen to become physically aroused when in the presence of people of our same gender, one tends to feel shame, embarrassment and begins to wonder about themselves and their sexuality. Many people consider their sexuality on an acceptability basis. We, as a society, strive for acceptance. What is considered normal is usually accepted.

It might seem the reason our sexual preferences are so important is that we want to be accepted.

A person may accept a person and consider them a friend. A person may play football, lift weights, and listen to the same type of music. If this same person tells you they are not heterosexual, there is often some degree of tension, uncomfortableness, or feelings of betrayal. A person may accept another as a friend, possibly their best friend, until they discover or are told this friend has a different sexual preference than his own.

A person's sexual preference is usually more important to others, rather than to the persons themselves. This is often the reason why many people question their sexual preferences and often worry about their sexual identity.

Society has made it seem that a person's sexual preference is important. To some people it is.

Many people desire to bond with members of their gender to solidify their sexual identity. Some people never bond with people of their gender. Because many people do not bond with others of their gender they tend to dislike those people. This occurrence often results in a person distancing themselves from persons of their gender.

When this happens, there is nothing to validate their thoughts and feelings. Many people may not be able to bond with their gender peers, but the desire to bond may still exist. When bonding is considered an impossibility, people can eroticize those they cannot bond with. The result is often confusion.

If a person believes they are heterosexual but have sexual thoughts or feelings for someone of their gender, they often are confronted with fears and often tend to try too hard to be what they believe they are or should be.

When a person tries to be one way and only one way, they often consider themselves successful or a failure on this basis. When a person is heterosexual but has a thought or feeling they consider homosexual, they may consider themselves a failure as a heterosexual.

Many people consider sexual preference and sexual identity to be one hundred percent or nothing. A person who is sexually successful with the opposite gender is usually considered successful in other areas of life. Being successful is important. Being sexually successful seems, to many, to be even more important.

Many singles resent married persons and married persons often resent singles. Singles wish they could be married and many married persons wish they were single. Both singles and married persons can change their situation. Neither single nor married is a fixed situation. Wouldn't the same apply to sexual preference?

If you try you will find many people will act differently around one gender than the other, or around one or another. When men are telling "dirty" jokes and a woman enters the room, often the men do not speak as openly as they had before the woman entered the room. Women are no different in these situations. The same applies to the finding out of a person's sexual preference. It alters a person's feeling of freedom.

A person is more conscious of their speech when the opposite gender is in their presence. If a person has a different sexual preference, people will act and treat them differently. People are not as comfortable with those who are different from them. That is one of the main reasons a person's sexual preference is important to others.

What if a man considers himself a heterosexual and when he has sex is the dominant partner, wherein he is the doer instead of the do-ee, yet he has sex, as a heterosexual, with other men. Is he still a heterosexual? Many people might consider a man that has sex with other men to be a homosexual, yet many people consider themselves to be heterosexual even though they engage in homosexual activities.

Let's assume a man constantly brags about having sex with his girlfriend "Jesse." This man has sex with Jesse two to three times a day. Jesse performs oral sex on this man every day. Jesse is this man's girlfriend. This man would be considered a successful heterosexual.

Let's say that Jesse turns out to be a very beautiful woman - that just happens to have a penis. This man has been having sex with Jesse. His friends have seen this man as sexually successful. Jesse passes, well, as a woman. This man always did the penetrating, or he received, but only orally. What do we consider this man, heterosexual or homosexual?

If the friends of the man in the above story were to find out Jesse is a man, I doubt they would see their friend as sexually successful as they had before.

The case above should prove that a person's sexual identity does not denote their sexual preference.

Dr. Kevin Franklin stated in his book The Origin & Nature of sexuality; " We human beings, straight and gay, are persons regardless of our male or female body. As persons, gay men and straight women wear differently sexed bodies although we have the same gender. Lesbians and straight men have the same gender and they wear differently sexed bodies."

Dr. Franklin has concluded that sexual preferences come from gender identity rather than from sexual identity. I tend to agree with him - to a point.

Gender identity refers to masculinity and femininity. Sexual identity refers to attraction and a person's sense of self. Identity is the core word here. What exactly is identity? Identity is a sense of one's self and the product of one's actions and the recognition of the same by others.

Identity is a social relation and a process. Identity is something constructed and reconstructed throughout one's life. Masculinity, as can be seen in society, is not just a male behavior, nor can it be attributed to male sexuality. Dominance is often considered an attribute of masculinity, yet dominance is not simply a product of male masculinity. It's a practice carried out by both men and women.