Sexual Preference/Choice Ch. 01

WHO ARE WE, SEXUALLY?

We are all sexual beings. We express our sexuality in different ways. We have all heard the boy meets girl stories. There are also girl meets girl stories, boy meets boy stories, girl meets boy and girl stories and boy meets boy and girl stories. This list is not exhaustive.

When a person acts on their sexuality, sexual nature, or impulse, a person is usually considered straight, gay, or bisexual. What category do you fit in? Are you sure?

Sexuality, sexual orientation, sexual preference, and sexual choice are confusing subjects for many people. A man may think he is gay because he compares himself to other men at urinals. A woman may feel she is a lesbian because she finds herself attracted to a close female friend.

Many people concern themselves with what is normal. Normality has taken many forms throughout history. A person may be very secure in their sexuality but also be confused by thoughts or feelings they may have.

Trying to define what is normal, sexually, is not a simple task.

Many people will agree that we are all sexual beings, and many still believe sexuality can and should be acted upon only in one certain way. Some people see only certain forms of sexual expression as acceptable.

Our religious upbringing may have a lot to do with our sexual feelings and sexual expression. Commonly, boys are brought up to seek girls to have "relationships" with, and girls are brought up expecting men to seek them out. That type of thinking does not always apply today, nor has it

ever been the accepted norm for everybody at all times.

In recent decades, we have learned of people "coming out." We have also heard many stories about hate crimes where homosexuals were the targets. We now have pride festivals. We are faced with a condition called homophobia. We hear about transvestites and trans-gender persons. We think we know about gays and lesbians. We hear about people who are bi-sexual. We have even come to know the phrase "Breeders." Some people accept sex and sexuality as a normal part of life. Other people consider sex and sexuality to be a pride issue.

You hear the phrase "out and proud" and your first thought may be of gay pride. Not all homosexuals jump on the pride bandwagon. Many homosexuals are homosexual, but consider sex with the same gender as natural and nothing to brag about.

The standard male/female relationship is generally the most accepted form of relationship. People who are "straight" are often considered closed-minded and judgmental by those who personally do not feel they fit in the "straight" category. Many straight people are thought to consider homosexuals, and others they do not see as straight, as sick and misguided.

To begin defining our sexuality we must look at what sexual orientation is. A person who is attracted sexually, emotionally, romantically, and physically to the opposite sex is considered a heterosexual. A person attracted to the same gender is considered a homosexual. People that are attracted to both genders are considered bisexual. There are more orientations and titles, but I want to focus on these three.

What is your sexual orientation? Sometimes that's not an easy question to answer. You may be attracted to a person of the same gender, but that does not always mean you are homosexual. Sexual orientation does not always mean or include sex. Sexual orientation involves feelings and emotions. Some people know early in life what their sexual preference is. Others do not find out until later in life. Sometimes people discover their sexual orientation after they are married and/or have children.

Some people might consider a man that is very involved in playing sports with other men to be homosexual. The showering with other men, the constant touching and emotional bonding that occurs during contact sports could be considered homosexual even though no sex is involved. A man who spends much of his time around women, but does not have sex with them, might be considered homosexual.

A woman who shows little desire for men might be considered a lesbian. What others consider to be our orientation and what we know to be our identity is rarely the same thing. Too often people are given or accept labels that describe their sexual interests. One must ask if such labels are accurate. Another question is 'does whom you choose to have sex with really define who you are, sexually?'

It is my goal to define the differences between sexual preference and sexual orientation, sexual identity, and sexual choice. I hope to also help you to understand the reasoning behind sexual attraction. As the reader, you will get a different view of sexuality than you've ever had, and possibly a better understanding of yourself.

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HETEROSEXUALITY

What is heterosexuality?

Is heterosexuality the norm?

Has it always been?

Heterosexuality is defined as attraction to the opposite sex on a romantic, physical and emotional level. Heterosexuality is believed to be the most common sexual orientation. Heterosexuality has been accepted by a majority of society. When heterosexuals meet someone, they usually believe him or her to be heterosexual until they are given a reason to believe otherwise. Heterosexuality is the accepted (expected) norm.

Men and women who are attracted to the opposite sex commonly believe the person they are attracted to is heterosexual. Heterosexuality is not normally considered a subject of study, but, rather, normal.

Until recently, marriage was reserved for couples that consisted of a male and a female. The marriage of multiple males and females to each other is not condoned, accepted, or legal in the United States. The only legally accepted marriages are between one man and one woman, and recently between same-sex couples.

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Because heterosexuality is considered the norm, very little study has been focused on why people are heterosexual. Why are people heterosexual? Is it because of social conditioning, upbringing, or religious teaching?

Many heterosexual persons consider themselves heterosexual because that is what they believe they are. They believe they were born that way. One man told me, "I'm heterosexual because I'm not gay." Mike Piazza stated, "I can only say what I know and what the truth is, and that's I'm heterosexual and I date women."

Heterosexuality is an identity, a sense of self. Some people believe heterosexuality to be a choice like other orientations. Consider this question; would you choose to be heterosexual if you lived in a culture that was predominantly homosexual?

Heterosexuality came to light in the nineteen twenties. In the early nineteen hundreds, heterosexuality was a medical term. Dorland's Medical Dictionary (published in Philadelphia in 1901) defined Heterosexuality as "Abnormal or perverted appetite toward the opposite sex." Heterosexuality is now considered the cultural norm in the U.S. and beyond.

Heterosexuality is accepted because it is the only physical choice for procreation. Although we hear a lot about gay pride, heterosexuals have a pride of their own. Many heterosexuals are glad they are heterosexual. Heterosexuals have to be careful at times how they express pride in their sexuality, though. Heterosexuality is no longer politically correct in some circles.

We still haven't answered why some people are heterosexual. I want to address this question. The first answer for why a person is heterosexual finds its basis in religion. A common statement is, "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

Heterosexual activity is considered by many to be morally correct. Genesis 2:24-25 states, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed." Leviticus 18:22 states, "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is an abomination." Leviticus 20:13 states, "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them."

To deny scripture has had anything to do with the "normality" of heterosexuality would be foolish. According to many people, the Bible teaches that heterosexual activity is the only type of sexual activity acceptable to God. Many people claim there is no Biblical basis for their heterosexuality. That may be so. Why, then, are people heterosexual? Many people believe heterosexuality is the choice sexuality because woman was made from man and the two are consistently looking for the other to again be whole.

Some people have told me they are heterosexual because that is what they are supposed to be. Some people have told me they are heterosexual because it is the natural form of sexuality. I have been told, "Look at nature. Heterosexuality is natural. Animals are not homosexual." One man admitted he chose heterosexuality when he was a pre-teen. He did not say why, though. One man added a little humor in his answer. "I figure if heterosexuality worked for my parents, maybe it will work for me."

Heterosexual sex is commonly known as a man and a woman having intercourse. Looking at a listing of heterosexual sexual activities on the internet, I found oral and anal sex, water sports (peeing on a partner), BDSM, D/s, fisting, partner sharing, swinging, group sex, interracial sex, and a continuing list to be considered heterosexual sex. Some of these activities could also be considered deviant or homosexual practices, but since all the sex was between males and females it was considered heterosexual.

When one considers the above list of heterosexual activities, one might ask what a strictly heterosexual activity might be, and what might be considered a sexual activity that can be indulged in by anyone of any orientation. Heterosexual sex involves many deviations from the simple man on top/woman on the bottom missionary position.

Many heterosexual men fear certain activities they involve themselves in might be considered homosexual. Many heterosexual men want women to perform oral sex on them, but rarely want to kiss the woman if the woman has ingested their semen. If the man kissed the woman and some semen were still in her mouth, would he be considered gay because of the semen exchange?

If a person were celibate or asexual, would they be considered heterosexual? If one does not involve themselves in sexual activity with men or women, are they heterosexual, or do they fit in the "other" category?

A person that is celibate or asexual often finds himself or herself being chastised because they are different. A person who is celibate or asexual may not engage in sexual activity. Their feelings and emotions would be the deciding factor in their "orientation."

Heterosexuality is a much more complex issue than most people realize. Heterosexual sex is usually defined as the male being dominant and the female being passive. For a long time, heterosexual sex was a woman servicing a man. The man's satisfaction was usually the end result of heterosexual sex. Today this is often still the case.

Many people may choose heterosexuality for reasons of acceptance or fear. You rarely hear about someone being beaten to death simply because they are heterosexual. Usually, no one looks at you differently because you are heterosexual. A person may even choose heterosexuality because they are expected to be heterosexual. A person is commonly considered heterosexual if they are emotionally as well as physically attracted to the opposite sex.

Heterosexuality carries a great deal of responsibility. When a person is heterosexual, people expect them to be attracted to the opposite sex. I overheard two men talking one day. One man said to the other, "Wow. Look at those women. Damn. That's nice." The other man responded, "Whatever. I've had enough of women. I don't even care to look anymore."

The first man told the second man, "You gotta look. It's natural for men to look at women." If you believe the first man and his beliefs, you are expected to notice women everywhere you go. You're a man. You're supposed to look.

Men are pressured more to be heterosexual than women are. Many heterosexual men enjoy seeing two women together, sexually. Fewer women like to see two men together. Women may not like or want to see two men together, sexually. Many women, on the other hand, feel more comfortable being around gay men because they are not a threat to them, sexually.

Many heterosexual men feel threatened by homosexual men because women feel more comfortable being with them. Heterosexual men often believe that homosexual men want to have sex with them, also. This is rarely the case.

One might ask; if heterosexual men want to be with women, but women feel more comfortable being with gay men, what would make heterosexuality the better choice?

Gay men often relate to women on levels that most heterosexual men cannot. Men who are not heterosexual repulse many heterosexual men, yet many heterosexual men are attracted to women who like other women. The truth is many lesbians do not wish to be, or would ever be, with men, sexually.

Some people may feel pressure to be heterosexual. Luckily, being heterosexual is supposedly easy to do. Heterosexuals are easily accepted in society. Very few, if any, heterosexuals have to defend their sexual orientation. Very few people are ever shocked when they find out you are heterosexual, although some might be surprised.

A list I found stated that heterosexuals had privileges other people did not have. One of the items on the list was, "People don't ask me why I chose my sexual orientation, and they certainly don't ask me why I chose to be open about it." I am asking that question of heterosexuals.

I believe that heterosexuality is a choice, as is any other sexual preference. Many people argue that sexual preference is not a choice. Many people say they have always been this or that. I disagree. I base my belief that sexual preference is a choice on the fact that all sexual actions and inclinations are learned, be they heterosexual or otherwise.

I believe the old statement that states great lovers are made not born. Gloria Anzaldua was quoted in Frontiers September 22, 1993; "You can become a lesbian and be lesbian for twenty years and then decide that you want to be sexual with a man. I don't know if that changes your lesbian identity, but . . . you make a choice." Could this not apply to heterosexuality?

I admit many people may not realize they've made the choice they've made. Many people assume they have always been this way or that. Many people believe a person cannot choose their sexual preference or orientation.

Another way of looking at choice is realizing there is a time in our early years when we didn't notice gender. There was also a time when the opposite gender was "yucky." As we got older we became attracted to one or both genders. What happened? Were we asexual, then homosexual, then straight or gay or bi for life?

Many people claim certain lifestyles are not normal. These same people will argue that sexual preference is not a lifestyle choice. When we look at what's normal, as opposed to what's accepted, divorce is a perfect example. Divorce may be an acceptable choice to many, but is it normal? Divorce may be common, but I don't think it can be considered normal. Whether divorce is accepted or normal really isn't the issue. The issue is divorce is a decision people make.

We can look at divorce the same way we look at sexual preference.

I believe it would be fair to ask why anyone chooses divorce when marriage is the preferred choice? People divorce because they feel it's the better choice. I've been told that sexual orientation and sexual behavior have nothing to do with each other. If that's the case, why aren't heterosexuals ridiculed or made to feel ashamed of sexual activities that might be considered homosexual if the female partner were to be male or the act possibly considered deviant?

Anal sex is commonly considered a homosexual activity. Yet, many heterosexuals have anal sex. Homosexuals have oral sex. So do heterosexuals. It would seem the only difference between heterosexuals and homosexuals are the persons involved. This being the case, I will attempt to address sexual orientation without thought or involvement in sexual activity.

Let's look at two men. One man looks at another man and finds him attractive, muscular, fit, athletic, and rich. The other man looks at a man and sees him as athletic, strong, muscular, fit and rich. Which man would you consider to be gay? Either man could be gay, or neither could be gay. If the man these men were looking at were a professional football player, would their attention to this man be considered homosexual or heterosexual?

If we took away a person's sexual actions, what would be left? We are judged both by our actions and inaction. If a person does not have sex, we label them virgins, asexual or celibate. If a person has sex, what do we call them? We usually label a person by the partners they choose to have sex with. Therefore, it's impossible to ignore a person's sexuality, heterosexual or otherwise.

If a person is homosexual and has traditional homosexual thoughts and feelings but is unable to find a homosexual partner, and therefore does not have sex, would he not be considered celibate? Or would this man be considered a celibate homosexual? Ask this question again, in your mind, but change the word homosexual to heterosexual. Does your answer change?

Many religious organizations performed what is called reparative therapy. This therapy was designed to help a person change from being homosexual to being heterosexual. Some organizations claimed to be very successful. Yet, the only way to actually know the success rate would be to physiologically measure the sexual response to male and female stimuli before and after the therapy. This was not the normal or routine practice.

Some claim the therapy helped people to repress their orientation rather than change it. It is argued that the direction of a person's lust, feelings, and fantasies define a person's sexual orientation.

If a person's fantasies did have anything to do with a person's sexual orientation, how do you explain the commonality of women having rape or animal fantasies? If we are to accept that a person's feelings decide a person's sexual orientation, then, if a person's feelings change about someone, does that change their sexual orientation?

A heterosexual man may go through a bad divorce and decide he hates women. Is this man now considered a homosexual? His lusts and thoughts are definitely not directed toward women.

A woman may have no interest in sex, for whatever reason. If her thoughts are not directed toward men and there is no lust directed toward men, is she a lesbian? A person's thoughts, lusts, feelings, and fantasies can have nothing to do with a person's sexual orientation.

It should be apparent by now that sexual orientation and preference may be more a choice than a biological disposition. Many people still argue that sexual orientation is not a choice. Marriage is a choice. Divorce is a choice. Who we choose to marry or have a relationship with is a choice. Why isn't sexual orientation a choice? And if sexual orientation is a choice, why choose heterosexuality?

If you ask a person, or yourself, why they or you are heterosexual, you may receive a standard response, "Because I am." or "I like men" or "I like women." Mike Piazza stated he was heterosexual and he dated women. If a man dates a woman, does that make him a heterosexual? No. Maybe it would be best to try to define what makes a person heterosexual. Maybe then we can understand the reason people choose to be heterosexual.