Shall we Play a Game Pt. 03

I told him my name and I could see his strong reaction to it, his lips slightly parted, staring at me as if stunned.

Could it be he already has someone in his life, and her name is Sara?!

"Is everything all right?"

"I'm sorry for zoning out like that, it's just that...your name...I had a very strong reaction to it, I've... always felt it was the perfect name for a woman."

I melt inside at his words, and have to steady myself.

"Thank you, what's your name?"

"Sean."

I feel a thrill at the sound of his name, it fits him perfectly. The lyrics come unbidden to my mind, Sean and Sara, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n...

"Excuse me?"

Startled we both turn around and there's Jeremy sitting at the DJ booth, regarding us with glee. "If the two of you are done staring at each other, we'll move on to the next dance?"

We realize that most of the people in the studio are watching us, and the embarrassed laughter spills from out mouths, standing there in front of everyone.

Not that we would want it any other way.

"The next dance will be a waltz."

We look at each other, and no words need to be said. We come together as if we had done it a hundred times before, and wait for the music.

I stand there with her in my arms and wait for the music, and when it starts a thrill runs through me. Jeremy is playing There Never Was a Time, and I can't help but look over at him, and he's looking at the two of us with open amusement.

I'm cradled in his arms, waiting for him to begin, when the music starts it's not one I've heard before, but it quickly appears that Sean has because he goes a little limp and looks over at Jeremy, who I can see is watching us with pride.

Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. We start dancing, and after about a minute I hear the lyrics that Sean knew were coming.

"There never was a time I didn't love you, there never was a time I didn't care!"

Dance after dance, bliss after bliss we twirl the evening away. Romantic waltzes and night club two steps (Jeremy seems to play a lot of them tonight), wild and fun swings, exhilarating latin dances, and the occasional steamy west coast swing (Black Velvet!). We don't dance all of them perfectly, even Gene Kelly had to practice endlessly with his partners to be perfect, but the occasional oops was met with smiles and sheepish looks. Nor do we dance all of them together, the other women in the studio aren't about to let Sean get away without some dances with them, and when he's not dancing with me the other men make sure I'm not going to be lonely. Although some of them have a disappointed look to their demeanor.

Nothing existed outside this room tonight, only the music which filled our souls and demanded our bodies move to it. What is it about this woman (Sara!) that has me so completely in her thrall? The music takes hold of me, fills me with it's melody, and we dance together captured in the moment. When we make the few mistakes it doesn't matter, all that matters is that we start anew. I wish all the dances could have been with her, but dance etiquette demands that I don't ignore the others here and have a few dances with other women, although it's a struggle to concentrate on the one in front of me when all I can think about is Sara. Some of them look at me with a vague disappointment, as if saying That could have been me he fell for but most of them have a look in their eyes that says Aha, one of us finally got to you.

Jeremy voice breaks into our private world. "The last dance of the night will be a foxtrot."

Shock. Dismay. Denial. It can't end, the music can't stop playing! No, no, the evening can't end, the clock hasn't struck midnight and Cinderella's dream can't fade away! All I can do is stand there and look at her, speechless.

"Excuse me?"

Turning around I see Sue standing in front of me, and with a shiver of guilt I can't recall dancing with her.

"I realize that you'd much rather dance with Sara, but I haven't had a dance with you all evening and was hoping you'd dance the final dance with me?"

I just stood there frozen, wanting to tell her no, but I've known Sue for years and have always enjoyed dancing with her. Sara touches my arm, and I turn to look at her.

"It's all right, go ahead and dance with her."

Turning, I offer my arm to Sue and we walk away to take up a spot on the dance floor.

Sitting down I watch Sean dance with this woman, his movements still graceful but (do I hope?) a little distracted looking and uncertain. Watching him it hits me, the last two hours have been heavenly but there's so much about this man I don't know. From holding his hands I can tell that he probably does physical labor for a living, but what kind? Does he live here in Lincoln or is he just here for a while? Night person or morning person? Kind to his mother or only sees her when he has to? Liberal or conservative? Is it possibly that there's already a woman in his life? (No, no, no!) Is it possible that he's such a good dancer because like Jeremy he's gay? Is it, is he, does he...

Deep calming breaths. First of all, that he's gay is nonsense, no gay man would look at a woman the way he's been looking at me all evening. What kind of work doesn't matter. Doesn't live in Lincoln, I'm graduating in about a year and a half, I can move to another city. Only sees his mother when he has to means I've got him all to myself! I won't bring up politics if he won't. Already a woman...please no!

How to handle this, how to handle this? Coming to a decision I reach into my purse and pull out a notepad and pen. Quickly writing on a note I pull it out and put it beside me. The music is about halfway through and I have to hurry, taking off my dance shoes and putting on my street shoes, getting my things together. Finishing, I wait for the last of the music to end while watching him.

I'm giving Sue the best dance I can but my mind isn't into it. It's easing my guilt a little bit that she has the look that most of the women have been giving me this evening, that I'm so happy for you and aha, one of us finally got you. Do all women celebrate when a man falls under a woman's spell? Does the sorority order of women have a list of all unattached men out there and my name is about to be crossed off? Do I want to know? And does my name go onto another list, the "will the fish get away or is he hooked for life" list?

The music ends and we thank each other for the dance and I turn away eagerly to where Sara has her belongings, to see her walking hurriedly towards me, her things in her arms and her face troubled. All I can think of as she approaches me is no no no, this can't end. She steps in front of me, reaches out to my left hand, puts something in it, and walks toward the door and out. I stand there numb, disbelieving, and walk weakly to a nearby chair and sit down. She left!

I hate myself, I hate myself for taking this cowardly way out. If this was just a single night of magic and there's no tomorrow I didn't want it end and I don't want to know it if it has. On the note of paper I wrote down my full name and my phone number (and all my hopes). If there's no other woman in his life and he wants me the way I think he wants me, he'll call. If not... if not then what will I do?

Disbelieving I look at the folded paper and slowly open it, fearing to find a written apology and asking me to please understand. Shaking, I see on it her full name (Sara Witte) and underneath that - underneath that - three numbers, a dash, three more numbers, a dash, and a final four numbers. I can feel my heart lurch in my chest, and a sob escapes from my throat. Her phone number! I just sit there, looking down at this simple message, unable to do anything else.

I manage to make it a couple of blocks away before I have to pull into a parking lot, shaking and softly sobbing. I turn the car off and bury my face in my hands. He has to call me, he has to call me!

Back in high school I was depressed about how my romantic ideals for the man I wanted in my life were feeling so impossible that I made up a fantasy to console myself. Unbidden, this fantasy comes back to me as I try desperately to be positive...

I'm dead.

All the pains of my last four years of life, the diminished mental and physical health I was forced to live with are gone. I have no body, only the sense of self that has remained after leaving my mortal body. I (float?) in a realm of (light?) feeling incredibly tranquil and aware of who I truly am now that I'm without a body to distract me. Extending my perception outward into the (space?) around me I'm immediately aware of a presence near me, a feeling of such incredible power and purity that my (soul?) recoils from it, afraid that something so immense must surely overwhelm me just by my perceiving it. Fearfully I stretch myself in another (direction?) slowly, afraid of another encounter with another (someone? something?) that might destroy me just by it's very existence and find...

Antoine!!

My husband, lost to me for the last seven years, is suddenly with me. All the joy and (occasional) sorrows come flooding back to me, and incredibly not only do I feel again the emotions I experienced during our time together, but I feel his also. Our joy as we lived our lives together, finding each other, our marriage, the children we created and loved, the fabulous and quiet times we were together, and the sorrow we both felt as his sickness took him away from me. As we (held?) each other I felt a lurch within us, and we both were flooded by emotions and memories not just from our lives as Marie and and Antoine but also...

Svetlana and Dmitri, Iesha and Joffre, Ria and Aithan, Jing and Yuchen, Abeni and Uduak, I lose track of the number of times we had been born, found each other, and lived a full and happy life together. As those memories flood into us a metamorphosis begins, the dividing lines between our two (souls? essences?) blurs, and there is no longer a me and him, a he and a she, a woman and a man, what is left is I.

I thrum with what can only be described as rapture, joy so strong that it's almost painful in it's intensity.

So great is the union that I perceive everything around I, including the immense presence that earlier threatened to overwhelm I. With an awed feeling of amazement, I realize that I am in the presence of the creator! With that realization I remember the times that this has happened before, when the two halves of I were brought together. Then, just as now, I can perceive this purity without being overwhelmed by it, because even though it is still immense to perceive, far greater than I, I too (shine?) so brightly that I am able to sense this immense source of life and light without being destroyed by it. Now, as before, I search for a way to address this entity, thinking back on all the times before that this has happened. And I (smile?).

"Hi Bob!"

I and this realm shake as the feelings of laughter, joy, and pride explode around us, emotions of a proud parent pleased by the attempt of a child to elicit laughter from a much loved parent.

"MY BEAUTIFUL ONES, AGAIN YOU COME BEFORE ME. AS I HAVE BEFORE, I HAVE WATCHED YOU LIVE ANOTHER MORTAL LIFE, AND YOU HAVE MADE ME PROUD. SO MANY OF THE CHILDREN OF MY CREATION HAVE MISUSED OR MISUNDERSTOOD WHAT I HAVE DONE, AND IT SADDENS ME. (I almost am overcome with despair, experiencing this all-consuming emotion that touches me. Only the joining of I's two selves keeps me safe) SO MANY THINK THAT PLEAURES OF THE FLESH ARE EVIL AND ARE TO BE RESISTED, THINKING THEM TEMPTATIONS OF SOME FALLEN ANGEL WHO WOULD TORTURE THEM. DO THEY NOT REALIZE THAT THEIR CREATOR WOULD NOT HAVE GIVEN THEM THESE GIFTS HAD I NOT INTENDED FOR MY CHILDREN TO ENJOY THEM? EVEN WORSE ARE MY CHILDREN WHO REVEL IN PLEASURES OF THE FLESH WITHOUT KNOWING THAT THESE GIFTS ARE SMALL AND PETTY IF NOT COMBINED BY THE TRUE GIFT I HAVE BESTOWED ON THEM, THE GIFT OF LOVE, OF BEING ABLE TO GIVE EVERYTHING OF THEMSELVES TO ANOTHER MORTAL, WHILE CHERISHING AND PROTECTING WHAT THEY THEMSELVES HAVE BEEN GIVEN.

SO FEW OF THEM HAVE ACCOMPLISHED THE PERFECT BLEND OF EROS AND AGAPE, SO WONDERFUL THAT MY SIGHT IS EVER ON THEM. YOU, MY MOST BEAUTIFUL ONES, ARE THE ONES I AM MOST PROUD OF! FOR AS I HAVE SOWN THE UNIVERSE WITH SEEDS SO THAT LIFE CAN GROW, SO TOO HAVE YOU FILLED THE MORTAL WORLD WITH LIFE. LOOK AROUND YOU, MY BEAUTIFUL ONES, AND SEE THE LIVES YOU HAVE SOWN!

I extended awareness around I, and had I still a mortal body I would have fallen down and wept for joy. All around I were the children of our mortal bodies, not just the ones who were born from I's female body but the generations and generations after! So many, so many! And shining brightly among all those others were a few like I, the progeny who had also found a perfect love and come to this place to be fused into one being, forever together and one! The outpouring of joy and love from all my descendants spills into I, and whether I gloried in it for an instant or an eternity (did either of those exist here?) I could not say. All too soon I become aware of a new feeling in this place, a feeling of regret and determination.

YES, BEAUTIFUL ONES, TO MY REGRET I MUST SEND YOU BACK TO THE MORTAL WORLD. No, no, please no! THERE IS STILL MUCH TO DO THERE, YOUR EXAMPLE TO INSPIRE MORE MORTALS TO LIVE THEIR LIVES AS FULL OF LOVE AS YOURS ARE. MORE CHILDREN CAPABLE OF GREAT LOVE TO BE BORN OF YOUR MORTAL BODIES, TO MAKE THE PLACE CALLED EARTH A BETTER PLACE. I WOULD IT WAS SO THAT YOU COULD STAY HERE, BUT THAT TIME HAS NOT COME YET. YOU ALSO HAVE MANY MORE LIVES TO ENJOY, EXPERIENCES AND WONDERS THAT YOU YET TO ENCOUNTER.

It starts, the separation of our two selves, and the sorrow of that parting fills us. We resist it as long as we can, but quickly we are alone again. The presence here does not rebuke us for our resistance, knowing how terrible a loss this is. At the bottom of our sorrow is a glimmer of hope though, for we will be together soon, as different people, to experience again a new love.

DO NOT FEAR BEAUTIFUL ONES, AS I HAVE DONE BEFORE, AS I WILL DO AGAIN, I WILL BRING YOU BACK TOGETHER.

My sense of this place fade, and I feel all the memories of my last life and the ones before that slowly leave. I feel a pressure on my small body, and I am leaving a warm place of safety, and an impact on my body brings out a cry from me, both startled from this sharp new sensation, and the loss of my other lives.

I am born.

As I was being born, did that perfect voice whisper in my mind "HIS NAME WILL BE SEAN" .

He has to call, he just has to! Please Bob, if you really do exist help me, help us! If you only give us a few years or even just a few months together, we'll accept whatever you...

MY PHONES RINGING!!

Frantically I rip open my purse, spilling all the contents on the seat next to me. Grabbing my phone I activate it, and quickly see that the calling number is unfamiliar to me. Accepting the call I put the phone up to my face.

"H-hello?"

"Sara, this is Sean, you left so quickly... are you all right, you're voice sounds like you're crying!"

"Yes I'm all right, just, I don't know, too emotional."

"I probably shouldn't have called you so soon, but I couldn't wait any longer. Is there somewhere you know of nearby that we can get a cup of coffee, someplace serving ice cream, somewhere we could talk and..just talk about...us?"

I look through the car window, and see that I'm in a commercial parking lot that has an ice cream parlor as a business in it. I hug myself, when Bob says he'll bring you together, he doesn't fool around.

"I'm a couple of blocks south of the studio, in a parking lot with a place that sells ice cream."

"I'm on my way!" Click.

I sit there, tears of joy falling down my cheeks. If you thought you were proud of us before Bob, you haven't seen anything yet!